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AIBU?

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Original poster

to expect a thank you card for wedding cash gift?!

91 replies

BlueMoon74 · 18/07/2012 19:24

Gave a cheque of £50 to an old family friend for their wedding (we didn't actually get invited to the wedding due to the size of their immediate family) This was 6+ weeks ago. I hadn't heard anything so was worried that they hadn't received it. Just checked online and the cheque was cashed the day after their wedding!

I think it's really rude that they haven't phoned or sent a card to say thank you! £50 is a lot of money to anyone, but we have a baby on the way, and £50 is a LOT of money to us! They've taken the time to cash it - surely they could have taken the time to say thank you? Hmm

Would I be being unreasonable to drop her a message on FB to ask did she receive it? How would I even word such a message?! Or do I just accept that she's cashed it and moved on?

I feel really annoyed if I'm honest! Maybe I"m being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
Sarcalogos · 19/07/2012 10:13

Tuesday, I think you have misunderstood my post, apologies if it wasn't clear. We are on the same side here!

My thank you cards weren't 'snaps' it was an obviously professionally taken photo. It still didn't take weeks, we had negotiated with the photographer before the wedding to ensure he would send us a couple to choose from about a week after the wedding. Although I suppose it helps that we only had a 6 day honeymoon so were able to hit the ground running when we got back.

I was starting a new job about a month after the wedding and the idea of still having the thank you cards hanging over us did not appeal!

WillSingForCake · 19/07/2012 10:17

It's so rude not to send thank you cards promptly. If it's going to take ages to get them printed with one of your wedding pics, then don't send personalised ones. I'd much prefer to receive a bog standard card from whsmiths within a couple of months after the wedding, rather than one with a photo of the bride & groom sent months later. If people were at your wedding then they know how you looked, if they weren't put in your card that you'll email some photos once you've got them.

It doesn't matter if you're busy, I know it's a boring task, but it's so rude not to acknowledge the thought & expense that people have gone to. Turn the TV off for an evening and write them, or set yourself the task of writing a few every night before you go to bed.

And thank you cards after a new baby are so much easier if you write them straightaway, or else you end up having loads to write at once too.

amandine07 · 19/07/2012 10:48

YADNBU! but like others have said, give them a bit more time.

I know people say they are too busy, it's just the way things are these days etc. But hang on, where are people's manners? you should absolutely give acknowledgment & thanks when given a gift, even if it takes a long time.

I'm 34 so not yet an old fuddy duddy (i hope!) but I really feel strongly about this.

From my experience, wedding of school friend 5 years ago- I gave £50 John Lewis voucher which was on their gift list and then sent a wedding card to their home address. Never received any thanks for the gift- not even a text or email.

Another school friend married abroad so I couldn't attend, but I went to the celebratory party when they returned. Again I did the JL £50 voucher a couple of months later, ok I was slow to give the gift.

I gave directly to my friend who obviously said thanks but never heard from his OH despite us being friends on FB, I would have thought she'd at least have sent a quick thank you just to acknowledge.

I don't know, maybe it's just me and I expect too much of others? Confused For me, it's simply what I would do if in the same situation...but I guess each to their own.

Over the years I've got more sceptical about weddings and think some couples view it as a present-grabbing exercise.

Original poster
BlueMoon74 · 19/07/2012 18:05

It's nice to see/hear so many people do still have lovely manners and would send thanks. :)

OP posts:
littlebluechair · 19/07/2012 18:08

They should thank you of course - but the most recent thank you I received was for a wedding gift given TEN MONTHS earlier!!!!! TBH, once it gets that late it's almost better not to bother as it just drew attention to the delay!

meditrina · 19/07/2012 18:10

There's no need for cards or printing (especially if it causes delay)! Just an ordinary thank you letter is fine.

Ideally, all thank yous are dealt with before the wedding. If presents are not sent in advance, then you write as they are opened.

Guests should write thank you letters to the official hosts within a week, and I'd aim for thanks to anyone else in the same timeframe.

TuesdayNightClub · 19/07/2012 18:51

Oops, i'm really sorry sarc completely my misunderstanding! Blush

MulberryMoon · 19/07/2012 19:01

Apparently etiquette rules say people have a year to write thank you notes. Not sure if this might have dated from the time when people might go on a grand tour of Europe as a honeymoon and post might not be reliable from abroad? I'd say within 3 months is ok. How long were they on honeymoon for?

Original poster
BlueMoon74 · 19/07/2012 19:10

I've just checked my calendar - the wedding was 8 weeks ago now, they went on honeymoon 3 days after the wedding for 10 days. She wasn't planning on going straight back to work (she told me) but not sure how long after the honeymoon she's had off.

OP posts:
littlebluechair · 19/07/2012 19:31

I take it all back and I will tell DH we should not have giggled at our 10 month later thank you card - I had no idea you got a year's grace!

Sarcalogos · 19/07/2012 23:07

No worries tuesday Grin

mrsconfuseddotcom · 19/07/2012 23:37

I think you need to get over yourself a bit, OP. Do you have nothing else to think about? Eight weeks (or six if you factor in a honeymoon) is not long.

I think the people who manage to get thank you cards out within a week (or whatever other ridiculous timeframe they manage) are either super human or don't have much else going on in their lives. I, for one, can remember be bloody busy after almost three weeks away from work. The thank you cards went out later than I wanted not because I didn't care but because I had a life and a demanding job.

whackamole · 20/07/2012 00:05

I think it's really rude.

We didn't want or ask for gifts at our wedding, but most people gave us cheques or cash which we were delighted about. I did most of the cards a couple of weeks later and the rest a week after that. By the way I have three young children including a baby, plus a job and a husband with a job and I still managed to write out personalised cards to everyone to thank them for their generosity.

I did only buy pretty cards from Paperchase - but I'm sure the message is supposed to be the most important bit!

WillSingForCake · 20/07/2012 07:50

I was so touched by how kind & generous our friends & family had been, I wanted to thank them as soon as possible. I can't understand how people wait months - don't you feel shit about how hurt some of the gift-givers must feel? Just reading this thread shows that a simple thank you means a lot to many people.

MrsConfused yes, I too was massively busy after 3 weeks away, even more so as I stayed up late every evening making sure people were thanked for their generosity. I do have a life, I just put some of the more pleasurable elements of it to the side whilst I got this boring task done. The wedding and the honeymoon are all about the bride & groom, then it's time to take the focus off yourselves and spend some time on the people who helped make your wedding day be so special, by giving you gifts, helping you with the preparations etc.

doublecakeplease · 20/07/2012 08:26

I think that the 'i didn't have time' excuse is rubbish - these people managed to find the time to plan a wedding and go cash a cheque but couldn't find a few minutes a night for a week or so to thank people!?

Sarcalogos · 20/07/2012 09:31

Quite, it's amazing that they all have time to cash the cheques...

Planning a wedding takes a ridiculous amount of time, but people do it because it's important to them. To say they don't have time to write thank yous just shows how much less important the couple feel they are.

In the month from my wedding we moved house, had another family wedding and 2 other significant family events. (that's why we had a short honeymoon). Yes, writing the cards wasn't the most exciting thing that happened to me that month, but, along with the other family events/moving it was important to me.

Although don't get me started on how my beloved new husband seemed to be totally fine with me writing all the cards but demanded the right to scrall his own name on the bottom (holding up the sending of the them in the process!)

Original poster
BlueMoon74 · 25/07/2012 10:12

I think you need to get over yourself a bit, OP. Do you have nothing else to think about?

It never fails to amaze me that there's always one rude person on a thread..oh and what a surprise, someone who didn't see a thank you card as a priority!!!!

I'm incredibly busy actually. I think it just depends on where your priorities lie. If yours lay on sorting yourself out then yes, can see why you didn't place saying thank you at the top of the list. Personally, I was brought up to say thank you promptly! As someone else kindly pointed out, they saw it as a priority to cash my cheque!!! That part (traipsing into town to the bank, which actually I always find a massive faff!) they managed immediately. The part where they actually took the 2 secs to say thank you....Yep...still hasn't happened!

A phone call would be nice...a text...hell..even a fb message in this day and age. But to make zero acknowledgement is rude.

Oh and mrsconfused bet you found plenty of time to plan your wedding so people could adore you with their presence and presents ;) ??! Strange that...

OP posts:
fruitysummer · 25/07/2012 12:36

I had post cards printed as my thank you cards and then wrote personal messages on the reverse of each one.

I gave/sent most of them out in good time. Less than a month.

I did however find a small pile i'd asked my husband to deliver which he clearly couldn't be arsed to in a drawer when I was rearranging at Xmas. I posted them out with xmas cards and a note of apology saying we'd overlooked them and neglected to post them.

clarasebal · 18/09/2013 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Sirzy · 18/09/2013 19:36

Clara - spamming is against the rules of Mumsnet. Posting a link on all thread with the word gift isn't going to do much except give mnhq a job to delete things!

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 18/09/2013 19:40

Add message | Report | Message poster clarasebal Wed 18-Sep-13 19:18:17
Sorry how can I delete It?

Clara, if you acknowledged this 20mins ago (and apologised), why are you still spamming?

PiddlingWeather · 18/09/2013 19:41

YABU. I got married a month ago and am only getting round to thank you cards now- had to get them made, delivered etc

Bearbehind · 18/09/2013 20:18

OP - I'm entirely with you, there is no reason why thank yous can't be sent within a couple of weeks of the end of the wedding period/ honeymoon, however, following discussions on another very similar thread it would seem that acceptable excuses for delays in sending thank you cards from some brides include:-

If you only gave a present in order to receive a bit of card in return you should take a look at yourself.

I spent more than a year planning my wedding so required a 2/3 month break from it all afterwards

I can't find the perfect photo to use on the cards therefore won't send any until I do as it is inconceivable to send a normal card.

crazyspaniel · 18/09/2013 20:27

I have a similar situation, but the bride and groom haven't cashed the cheque yet! Wedding was over two months ago and we've heard nothing since. The cheque was for £150, and I don't like not knowing when the money will go from my account. I'm not quite sure how to bring it up.

Melfish · 18/09/2013 20:36

Gave a cousin money for his wedding (which they asked for), didn't hear anything, but he is a buttmunch anyway so not surprised.
ON the other hand, DPs received a thank you card from another wedding for a gift they swear they didn't send!
Did my thank you cards as soon as possible, tho not as dedicated as a friend who did hers in the airport lounge en route to the honeymoon. I'm of the opinion if you don't want to say thank you (either in person or writing) then don't ask for a present.