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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a thank you card for wedding cash gift?!

91 replies

BlueMoon74 · 18/07/2012 19:24

Gave a cheque of £50 to an old family friend for their wedding (we didn't actually get invited to the wedding due to the size of their immediate family) This was 6+ weeks ago. I hadn't heard anything so was worried that they hadn't received it. Just checked online and the cheque was cashed the day after their wedding!

I think it's really rude that they haven't phoned or sent a card to say thank you! £50 is a lot of money to anyone, but we have a baby on the way, and £50 is a LOT of money to us! They've taken the time to cash it - surely they could have taken the time to say thank you? Hmm

Would I be being unreasonable to drop her a message on FB to ask did she receive it? How would I even word such a message?! Or do I just accept that she's cashed it and moved on?

I feel really annoyed if I'm honest! Maybe I"m being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
FoxyRoxy · 18/07/2012 20:40

I sent our thank you cards out with the Christmas cards 3 months after our wedding. I had personalised cards made which took a while, plus we live abroad so I wanted to send all in one go. No one said a word so I assume no one was offended!

Original poster
BlueMoon74 · 18/07/2012 20:46

Thank you all for your replies :) Right..I am being unreasonable, 6 weeks isn't that long when you think (as pointed out!) 2 weeks for honeymoon, back at work etc. Thank you to the person who pointed out too about alphabetical replying - my surname is an M, so yes! Maybe I'm down the list.

BUT think I might have to also accept that clearly writing a thank you card isn't a priority for everyone. Maybe not everyone has old fashioned manners (I think it probably is becoming old fashioned to write to say thank you?!)

OP posts:
RuleBritannia · 18/07/2012 20:58

BumgrapesofWrath

It's never too late. Write as soon as you can. Don't come up with the excuse that you can't find/can't afford thank you cards. Write a letter and explain that the delay was because of toddler, pregnancy, work commitments.

You will emerge from your donors' bad books saisfactorily.

LottoQueen · 18/07/2012 21:12

When we got married we had been living together for about 200 years already.

There was not a request for a wedding present from anyone or poncey list from LIDL/ALDI, but if guests felt like it, we said to buy us vouchers or booze (champagne)

I sent out thank you cards to everyone that had given us a gift within a month guests clearly hated us and wanted free booze at wedding or tight bastards It did not take that long (lack of presents)

Original poster
BlueMoon74 · 18/07/2012 21:12

Agree with Rule above! Never too late to say thank you - even if it's just a verbal one! How do your friends know you're grateful if you haven't told them! :) (thank you cards are £1 for 6 in Tesco at the minute, you could do 6 a week until you finish!)

OP posts:
LottoQueen · 18/07/2012 21:30

Still felt bad for taking a month though

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/07/2012 21:32

Well, I think it's rude. It's not that hard! I've heard the 'oh, we're not bothering with thank-you cards too' ... and also the wonderful excuse 'oh, you are family so we knew you would understand'. Hmm No, I didn't, as family you should know I am a right grouch.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/07/2012 21:34

Could be they are writing their thank you based on the list of invitees, and you were not on it, so I would not hold my breath if I were you....

Trioofprinces · 18/07/2012 21:42

Quintessentially - that's exactly what I was going to say. Maybe they've forgotten as you're not on their invite list.

Either way YANBU to expect a thank you but you should give it a little while longer before getting too worked up.

Cherriesarelovely · 18/07/2012 21:43

YANBU. I do get the 6 weeks thing, yes maybe that is true but I don't think we ought to accept that writing thank you's or indeed even saying thank you is old fashioned. It's rude. I have a brother whose children (now well into their teens) ever thank me for anything I give them, verbally or otherwise and I am minded not to bother anymore.

Sarcalogos · 18/07/2012 21:51

I did all of mine within a month- but loads of people expressed surprise about how 'quick' they were.

Every time I think about it though I get worried I missed someone out (if I did it was a 100% accident and I feel terrible)

Oh and they had a pic from the wedding on the front, no reason for that to take long with a reasonable photographer.

FredFredGeorge · 18/07/2012 21:52

Yes it's rude to not thank you for the gift, but it's even more rude to remind her and complain about not getting a thanks, even if it's just by hints or similar. If you gave the gift to get the thanks, then you gave it for an entirely selfish reason and you don't deserve the thanks.

It's a gift, it was appreciated I'm sure, your thanks got missed, forget about it, it's not important. So YABU.

Cherriesarelovely · 18/07/2012 21:57

Just because you would like a thank you doesn't mean you gave it for a selfish reason! OP is not asking the recipient to fawn all over her, she is just asking for an acknowledgement. When I give my DD a treat I do it because I love her and enjoy making her happy etc but I still expect her to say thank you. Is that me being selfish?!

snickers251 · 18/07/2012 22:14

My wedding was 7 weeks ago I am desperate to get the thank you cards out but my photographer is dragging his heels!

My thank you list includes gifts from people who unfortunately were not invited but I hope they have some patience coz I reckon it's gonna be a few more weeks yet!

Original poster
BlueMoon74 · 18/07/2012 22:32

fredfred True..true..you don't give just to give thanks, as you say. Just it is a lot of money! If I'd sent her a tenner, I'd probably not be as bothered if she'd forgotten! But that £50 could go a longgg way to helping us out right now. I know it's irrelevant but she earns twice what I earn. It's as if she's cashed it, shrugged and just gone 'oh well!' And it wasn't just the money - i sent a lovely handmade personalised card!

OP posts:
AKMD · 18/07/2012 22:47

YANBU. I now realise that I haven't received thank you's from 4 out of the 5 weddings I've attended in the past 3 years. I am a total hypocrite though - I wrote thank yous to everyone with personalised messages about how we were using the gifts, sent most of them but couldn't find addresses for some. A year later when we moved house I found them under the bed Blush There are definitely a few of our guests who think we are lacking in manners as stupidly I was too embarrassed to send them with a grovelling note and it's now nearly 4 years on

TuesdayNightClub · 18/07/2012 23:15

we only sent thank u cards to the big doners for our son's first birthday

Seriously? In a way that seems worse than not sending any, at least then you are treating everyone the same rather than only thanking those 'deserving' of it.

Bue · 18/07/2012 23:22

I always heard that you have a year (yes, really) to do wedding thank-yous.

No, you technically have a year after a wedding to give a gift, not to send a thank you for it!! (Although I think this is very outdated.)

I received an early wedding gift two days ago and just finished writing the thank you note. Go me.

Sarcalogos · 18/07/2012 23:28

'we only sent thank u cards to the big doners for our son's first birthday

Seriously? In a way that seems worse than not sending any, at least then you are treating everyone the same rather than only thanking those 'deserving' of it.'

That is much worse than not doing it at all. How crass.

WildWorld2004 · 18/07/2012 23:37

It was a few years ago but i dont think i sent thank you cards for my wedding. But then im not a card kind of person (waste of time & money in my opinion).

However i did make my dd make thank you cards for her birthday. This was coz dhe was quite rude on her birthday & dismissed a lot of the gifts. So it was a punishment for her as it took her hours on a beautiful sunny day but also an appreciation to others.

BackforGood · 18/07/2012 23:41

YANBU. Some people are incredibly rude and lacking in basic manners.
when you consider many of the guests would be in couples or families, you don't have that many cards to write, and no-one is expecting an essay. A couple could easily do them over a weekend, and, more importantly should.

TuesdayNightClub · 19/07/2012 09:13

I would send thank you cards to everyone, not just the 'big donors'. I know which course of action I think is crass!

redrubyshoes · 19/07/2012 09:45

One couple we know asked for money towards their new bathroom. That was three years ago, we have not had a thank you and they have not bothered getting the new bathroom.

I feel a little bit Hmm at that one, but to be fair maybe a big expense came up and they needed to use the money on that.

Scholes34 · 19/07/2012 10:01

I remember once getting a pre-printed thank you card a few monts after we did a collection at work for a wedding gift which simply said "Thank you for your most acceptable gift."

After receiving that I vowed not do anything so impersonal and impolite when I got married.

I think you are definitely not being unreasonable to be miffed about waiting so long for a thank you (if indeed one is on its way).

I also think it's more important to get a thank you out sooner rather than later and newly weds shouldn't use the excuse about waiting for the photographer to provide the photos for the thank you cards. Surely, one of the guests had their own digital camera there to provide a snap or too, or are more people signing away exclusive rights to Hello magazine these days?

skateboarder · 19/07/2012 10:09

tuesday i'm with you.