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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to dread going out and making smalltalk with Smug Pregnant Mum?

55 replies

Pinkforboys · 18/07/2012 18:49

In my defence I've been trying for dc2 for 4 years, have had 4 failed IVF transfers, 2 miscarriages and have been waiting 4 months for FSH levels to reach acceptable number for highly regarded last-chance-saloon IVF clinic to give me that last chance.
Meanwhile Smug PM is pg for 3rd time. With twins. I find it very hard to put on the smiles and interest at her latest isabella oliver dress and troubles finding a big enough people carrier....
Please- tell someone tell me to get over myself!!

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 18/07/2012 18:53

Get over yourself.

As difficult and lonely as it seems at the time, you are not the only woman to have conception problems. You have no idea of her personal experience, either.

Fingers crossed it happens for you, soon.

ReelAroundTheFountain · 18/07/2012 18:54

Firstly, I'm sorry you've had a tough time, any level of infertily is heart breaking and insanity-making.

Does she know that you've been trying? If she does and yet she still waffles on then I would not go and see her. Or I would ask her to talk about something else as you find it difficult.
If she doesn't know then you maybe are being a bit unreasonable. TBH I wouldn't be interested in anyone going on about stuff like that. Can you keep changing the subject? Can you keep you conversation with her to a minimum?

TheMonster · 18/07/2012 18:56

Is she really smug? Or is she just happy with her situation?

WhatWouldMargoDo · 18/07/2012 18:56

I'm so sorry for your struggles, it sounds utterly miserable and i wish you best of lck with last chance saloon.

However.

It's not spm's fault. She hasn't taken anything away from you. Pg people chat about their pregnancies, it's normal small talk. Unless she knows what you've been theough and chats away regardless, she's not being insensitive. I imagine that she's possibly shitting herself, she went for a third and has ended up with twins. I'd absolutely fucking brick it if that happened to me. And i wouldn't say anything in front of myfriends who have had trouble ttcing, but if it was someone who as far as i onew had mo issues, i might say 'shit! Twins! Omg!' or something equally witty and original.

Just keep changing the subject. Or talk about the amaaaaazing time you had drinking and doing class a drugs and staying up till dawn and dancing your arse off and how much freedom you've got now dc1 is a bit older and how great it is.

littlemissbroody26 · 18/07/2012 18:57

i know ttc is hard it took us a long time to get pregnant with this baby, but try to focus on your DC1... that is a lot more than many couples will ever have!!

Debeezandbirds · 18/07/2012 18:57

Get over yourself.

I don't know if you've shared your problems with friends but you'd be surprised how many have this heartache. You shouldn't have to put on the smile. Be happy for her. Her having a baby doesn't make it any less likely you'll have one, there aren't a finite number of babies to go round. She's your friend and needs your support.

I do hope it happens for you soon.

EugenesAxe · 18/07/2012 18:58

I'm amazed that anyone who is pregnant could feel smug about it... glad perhaps but smug no way! The number of things that can go wrong... I'd feel like I was really tempting fate, and anyway it's a horrible thing to be about something I regard as totally a blessing and not an achievement.

Just remember the grass isn't always greener, and good luck in your quest for a second.

sensuallettuce · 18/07/2012 19:04

Maybe tell her how you feel? It might be easier - for you both.

Good luck OP I can understand you feeling a bit pissed off and bitter but it's not her fault - if you can't face it don't see her.

My BF tried for 15 years (she had to go IVF from the start) and has a gorgeous 18 month old baby girl - never give up hope.

thisisyesterday · 18/07/2012 19:15

if she knows your history and is still like this i'd be tempted to just avoid her for a while.

of course she is entitled to be happy, but that doesn't stop her from using a little tact and being courteous and maybe not rubbing it in your face by going on about it when she is with you.

groundcontroltomajortom · 18/07/2012 19:16

She's having twins and already has two children.

I would be terrified.

Are you sure she's smug?

VolAuVent · 18/07/2012 20:09

YANBU at all. Infertility is incredibly painful. Of course you can be happy for other people but equally they should be supportive and understanding of your problems. Otherwise it's totally one-sided, because you have to always put on a brave face time and again, but in return you receive little or no compassion. It's like it's too difficult for other people to deal with - well how do they think you feel? Yes it's a busy life for those with children but would they want to swap with someone infertile? I think not!

However, does this woman actually know of your problems? If not, then why don't you say something? Say that you'd love to have children one day but haven't been able to so far. It would be nice if everyone realised how hard infertility is, but it's the sort of thing many people feel they have to sweep under the carpet. It's only if people discuss it that others might understand more. Some never will understand, but some will.

littlemissbroody26 · 18/07/2012 20:42

but OP does have a child doesn't she?

when i was having fertility treatment what anoyed me more than smug pregnant women was people being upset ttc #2 when they had a lovely charming DC1 to look after.

alphabite · 18/07/2012 20:44

I feel your pain OP. I live every day knowing I won't ever have children.

Northernlurker · 18/07/2012 20:51

It's not her fault you haven't been able to conceive. She is pregnant, she has pregnant stuff to talk about. I'm sure it feels like she's almost stolen your pregnancies - to have four dcs when you only want 2. But that's not logical or possible or sensible to think like that. So very gently - yes get over yourself.
I will be willing those FSH levels to drop and for you to have a super effective IVF experience from last chance saloon..

Debeezandbirds · 18/07/2012 20:53

"when i was having fertility treatment what anoyed me more than smug pregnant women was people being upset ttc #2 when they had a lovely charming DC1 to look after."

I know of a woman who complained on FB she would never hold her child in her arms, she had a DS already. The reaction from people who had fertility problems they never mentioned was awful, they held their pain with dignity and never complained, but this was too much for them.

We've had a few miscarriages with our trying for DC number 2. It may never happen, but my lovely DS gives me so much to be thankful for. I congratulate and 'like' the statuses of all my friends posting their pregnancies and photos. I have lots to be thankful for and I'm thankful they're having healthy and happy pregnancies.

Northernlurker · 18/07/2012 20:56

Missed littlemissbroody's remark. I've seen this debate before and it doesn't end well. On a thread where the OP has shared the pain she is ttc a second child I think it's actually quite cruel to devalue her experience like that.

Wanting to be pregnant and being unable to be is an agony whether it's your first child or not. That's all that needs to be said I think.

thebody · 18/07/2012 20:57

So sorry for you op that's so tough.

Avoid her like the plague, nothing is more boring than anybody else's pregnancy and birth stories also their scan snaps and brats.

U need to mix with other mates.

Cityofgold · 18/07/2012 21:17

Agree with Northernlurker's comment, and I say that as someone who has been TTC #1 for 3.5 years without success yet.

However I have a number of friends who, whilst they know my difficulties, have the attitude that they can't be expected to hide their own lives or 'fertility ease' and that it's just life and I should just get on with it. So yes, smug parents in my book. Not everyone gets it. And occasionally I find it difficult to put up with them. So the OP has my sympathy.

littlemissbroody26 · 18/07/2012 21:19

2 other posters said "get over yourself" I think that is more cruel than saying be thankful for the 1 child you have.

I know it will probably be very hard and expensive to ever have DC2 and I will most probably be envious of my friends when they discuss sibling names and age gaps but it wouldnt make me feel that they were smugly pregnant or that I didn't want to be around them.

My point is not that it isn't a valuble experience, just that there will be people very envious of her and the fact that she is a mother to one child. Everyones situations are different and there will allways be people in worse/better situations than you and very likely those same people will envy you for something (that you possibly havn't even considered.)

MrsReiver · 18/07/2012 21:30

Ouch. As someone who has struggled to conceive DC2, the "be thankful for the child you've got" comments are horrible. Just because we already have a DS, that doesn't mean our longing for a second baby isn't as valid, or painful as yours. Don't trivialise or dismiss our pain please.

MainlyMaynie · 18/07/2012 21:30

I agree with littlemissbroody, the pain of not having a 2nd child is not the same as the pain of having no children. I imagine that we will find it as difficult to conceive DC2 as we did DC1, but that is in no way the same as thinking you might never have a child. We have DC1, we're blessed.

But that doesn't help OP, whose own pain is real to her. Smug pregnant lady is probably terrified about the twins though.

aquashiv · 18/07/2012 21:32

As a mother of twins myself belive you me that woman has her work cut out for her posh frock or not.

Ormiriathomimus · 18/07/2012 21:32

Why call her smug? Perhaps she's just excited.

Sorry about your problems though Sad

MrsReiver · 18/07/2012 21:35

No it isn't the same as thinking you might never have children, but it's still been a horrible, painful journey.

I actually feel guilty for being pregnant, a friend of mine - who has been ttc DC2 for 6 years - said to me today "I can't wait for X to have her baby, then there won't be any pregnant people around to piss me off." I can't tell you how much I am dreading telling her our news in a few weeks! I shall endeavor to avoid appearing smug! Grin

Debeezandbirds · 18/07/2012 21:37

In defence of the "get over yourself" comments OP did request we tell her to get over herself. Perhaps she's aware she's being a BU here?

We very much want our second child, I'd still shit myself and worry like mad if I found out I was having twins. Here is a friend who needs as much support as the OP just with a different problem.

Mainly I thought your comment was very gracious and all the best to you and to everyone trying to conceive first or tenth.

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