Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dread going out and making smalltalk with Smug Pregnant Mum?

55 replies

Pinkforboys · 18/07/2012 18:49

In my defence I've been trying for dc2 for 4 years, have had 4 failed IVF transfers, 2 miscarriages and have been waiting 4 months for FSH levels to reach acceptable number for highly regarded last-chance-saloon IVF clinic to give me that last chance.
Meanwhile Smug PM is pg for 3rd time. With twins. I find it very hard to put on the smiles and interest at her latest isabella oliver dress and troubles finding a big enough people carrier....
Please- tell someone tell me to get over myself!!

OP posts:
igggi · 18/07/2012 21:39

Mainlymainie the OP has lost babies. It's not some kind of hypothetical thing with a pain that is "real to her", it's just real.
You cannot possibly know whether, for each individual, the pain of not having another child is worse than having no children (especially if the journey involves many years, mcs or stillbirths). But let's all judge each other's grief. Hmm
OP if you posted in the MC/pregnancy loss pages you would get a different response. You can wish someone all the best with their pg, while still finding it hard to be in the same room as them!

MrFunnytheEasterBunny · 18/07/2012 21:40

I'm sorry you are struggling. I have been ttc dc2 for 2 years with no success at all, so I have some insight to how you feel.
My bro and sil have tonight told me she is pregnant with their first dc, and I am over the moon for them. Spent about 2 hours on the phone answering all her questions about how she was feeling, maternity care etc. inside, a little bit of me was sad that it wasn't me, which I think is only natural, but I don't wish it wasn't them, if that makes sense.

I think yab a bit u, but I understand why. If you really can't handle it, then stay away, but don't deny her being happy. If I ever actually manage to get pg again, then I would want people to be happy for me and I'd hate to feel I could talk about my pregnancy because someone might be upset.

MrFunnytheEasterBunny · 18/07/2012 21:40

Oh and I had 3 MC before DS, so I also know the pain that losses bring.

littlemissbroody26 · 18/07/2012 21:57

I don't think secondary infertility is unpainful, I really feel for anyone not in control of their fertility, be that women stuggling with ttc dc1,2,3,4,5 or those pregnant when it is unplanned. What I don't think helps the situation is when women feel negative emotions towards other women just because they have what the (ttc) woman wants.

I am at an age where all of my friends have had babies in the last couple of years, it is really hard cooing over a growing bump and talking about birth plans and hearing their fears and happiness but they were not pregnant with my baby and just because i wanted to be pregnant more than anything it didnt make their pregnancy any less special, as a good friend I was there and listened to them and bought them pressies and adored their babies... then went and sat in a hot tub with a large glass of wine and some blue cheese Wine I understand that everyone is individual but how I choose to cope was by concentrating on the things I do have that are amazing, my OH and my lovely family... and my friends (and new generation of babies!) That is my advice because it worked for me and I didn't even have my own child to concentrate on, I don't expect everyone would agree with my advice but it worked for me!

Now I am pregnant with long awaited dc1 I understand that pregnancy isn't the hollywood inspired fantasy that i thought it was (i am not complaining for a second as i am over the moon to be given the chance to be a mum) I feel lucky and happy but not for a second have i ever felt smug.

I think it makes a difference if your friend knows you are going through IVF, for me most of my friends did know we were having IVF and there was a big problem in what to talk about, they had baby glasses on (like i do now) so eerything was baby related and i was thinming about fertility and sperm samples and injections all the time. They did try to talk about the IVF with me but I found the comments far from helpful "you are so brave having IVF" from my friend who was 8 months pregnant, i didn't feel brave I felt desperate "things weren't this complicated in my day" from my grandpa to which i said "in your day infertile people remained childless" so for me it was easier to talk about carry cots and cloth or disposable nappies than to try to explain infertility/fertility treatments to people. Anyway, sorry for the babble, my point is that I think most people just don't know what to say even if they do know about your treatment.

I really didn't mean to offend.

kinkyfuckery · 18/07/2012 21:58

2 other posters said "get over yourself" I think that is more cruel than saying be thankful for the 1 child you have.

Did you read the OP?

MainlyMaynie · 18/07/2012 21:58

Yes, me too Igggi. Is it a competition? I actually meant 'real to her' to mean that there is no point dismissing other people's pain because it is what they're experiencing.

littlemissbroody26 · 18/07/2012 22:06

kinkyfuckery I did read it, I felt that saying concentrate on/be thankful for your child was a more constructive way of saying get over yourself, I can't see how what I said is more mean.

Kewcumber · 18/07/2012 22:09

Its shit isn't it OP - I never managed to get pregnant at all and sometimes its all you can do to paste a smile on your face and pretend an interest. Its not the kind of pain you can freely share like a bereavement - particularly with someone pregnant.

You don't need to get over yourself, you need to do what you do every other time = paste on a smile and feign pleasure for her. You don't need to feel it! Just faking it is good enough!

igggi · 18/07/2012 22:12

Mainly I don't think it's a competition, but you and some other posters have introduced the idea of the OP's situation not being as bad as someone with no children, I'm not sure why.

kinkyfuckery · 18/07/2012 22:13

kinkyfuckery I did read it, I felt that saying concentrate on/be thankful for your child was a more constructive way of saying get over yourself, I can't see how what I said is more mean.

She asked people to tell her to get over herself!

LeanderBear · 18/07/2012 22:23

YANBU, it is completely understandable but best to try and deal with it. Noone could blame you for feeling sorry for yourself from time to time. You just have to try and not let these feelings take over.

I am very sorry to hear that you have had so many problems and I really hope everything works out for you and your family.

MainlyMaynie · 19/07/2012 09:02

I didn't introduce the idea. I wouldn't normally post on this type of thread, but I wanted to defend littlemissbroody whose point that secondary infertility is not the same as primary infertility, made to someone who asked for a kick up the arse, seems reasonable to me.

Anyway, I hope OP managed to fake a smile. Lots of us have been there and the smile faking is never easy.

echt · 19/07/2012 09:35

I don't think concentrating on whether or not the OP has a child is the point.

Even had the OP not had a child, good manners DOES mean "get over yourself". It is coarsely expressed, but at the heart of good manners.

I could not have a second child, and the pain was exquisite, but not for one moment would I have thought of avoiding pregnant friends.

On the other hand, the twunts who cheerily urged me to "get pregnant soon", you know, larf, larf, I would have dropped down the nearest drain.

I smiled cheerlessly.

MainlyMaynie · 19/07/2012 09:42

Echt, when people ask me when we're having another I tell the truth - we'd love one but it took us a very long time to get DS, so it might not happen.

I always acted pleased for other people who were pregnant when we were TTC. It wasn't all an act, because of course I was pleased for them, but I was also thinking 'why not me?' So although I knew it wasn't reasonable, I did cry afterwards. And TBH I did a bit of avoiding too, as some days it was too hard to be pleased for them. Pregnant people do naturally get into that bubble and I don't blame them!

VolAuVent · 19/07/2012 10:04

It should work both ways. It's not fair to expect the OP to slap on a brave face if no-one is making an effort to be kind and understanding in return.

If someone having painful problems is expected to make a huge effort to put on a happy face for other people's benefit, then surely those with the good luck should make an equal effort to support, understand and be sensitive around those who are less lucky.

hazeldog · 19/07/2012 10:11

This made me think of an aquainence who has been TTC forvever and had several MC's. She has allowed it to make her so bitter that she seems to think that anyone who can conceive is doing it to spite her. She can be quite vicious towards pregnant people and her long suffering partner. The worst of it was when my pregnant single friend who desperately needed somewhere to live was blocked from moving into their housing co op by this lady. Please dont let yourself become that person. I felt like you do after losing dd1 but I had to learn to swallow those irrational feelings and share others joy at their pregnancies for my own sake. Nobody is deliberately rubbing their pg in your face. Its just life going on and its tough.

porcamiseria · 19/07/2012 13:45

aww OP

I think you need to tell her how upset you are and how your struggling

if she is a real friends she will be less smug x

LettyAshton · 19/07/2012 14:03

Sadly some pregnant women do act in a terribly smug way, particularly the very fertile Boden-type ones with six toussled-hair children in fairy wings and wellingtons and counting. "Oh, dh just has to look at me... hee hee." But probably these women are smug/insensitive in all areas of their lives and would cheerily tell a recent amputee about how much they love doing fun runs.

NutellaNutter · 19/07/2012 14:39

As someone who has gone through 8 years of infertility and treatments and ended up with a nervous breakdown at the end of it all, I would say very definitely look after yourself first, and sod everyone else. Drop her as a friend. Your mental well-being is your chief concern. Anyone who hasn't been through this dreadful battle has no idea what it feels like. Do you ever post on the IVFConnections or Fertilityfriends boards? They're really great for support from people going through the same thing, including secondary infertility, which I actually found much harder than primary infertility as I felt so awful about not being able to give my daughter a sibling.

DumSpiroSpero · 19/07/2012 14:39

Going back to the OP...

If the other woman is aware of your situation and still goes on a bit, it might be fairer for both of you to take a raincheck. Your feelings are obviously very raw at the moment and hers are probably all over the place too.

If she's a close friend, perhaps you can explain why to her, even if it's by dropping her a note. If she's not, just make your excuses and keep in touch in a less full on way (if you want to) until you feel more able to cope with seeing her.

TBH it's such an emotional situation, I'm not entirely sure being reasonable or not comes into it.

Best of luck with your next try - hope it all works out for you.

NutellaNutter · 19/07/2012 14:41

Oh, and if it wasn't already clear you are definitely NOT being unreasonable. Don't post here, look at the other boards I mentioned. You need to speak to other women who have walked a mile in your shoes.

DuelingFanjo · 19/07/2012 14:42

is she actually a friend? I mean if she's not so much of a friend that you can't talk to her about how you are feeling and expect some sympathy then why are you meeting up with her?

Original poster
Pinkforboys · 21/07/2012 12:21

Thank you all for much needed support, advice and reality checks.
PG lady in question is fellow Mum at school so though she is a v nice woman friendship is rather forced through circumstance. Others I've been able to share what I'm going through with, but she's not one I've found able to share with- conversation tends to be more superficial. I'd love to share with her but the moment just hasn't come up which is a shame as our DS's get on really well. Who knows- maybe there'll be a playdate over the hols when I can fess up why I'm keeping bargepole distance from her with ample tissues to hand as it's a conversation that always reduces me to tears.
Anyway- I found the solution...managed to sit several seats from her at Mums night out in pub and enjoyed myself to the full without having to hear full details about latest bump-fashion-crisis.

Lastly- to those with no sympathy for DC2 struggle- trust me, DS1 IS my most treasured possession, it took 5 years to have him. Second time around isn't as raw but it's still pretty painful, especially when surrounded by so many large families at school. You just can't get away from it.
I'm off to bake cakes and avoid pg mums. Good day to you all! Wink

OP posts:
Bobyan · 21/07/2012 15:28

Smile and wave and think of the stretch marks :)

Hope things work out for you.

liketochat1 · 21/07/2012 16:33

I'm sorry you are going through the pain of infertility op. Of course other people need to get on with their lives though. It's not your friend's fault you have these problems. She may well not be smug- just pregnant.