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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family ruled by 13 year old

54 replies

jungandeasilyfreudened · 17/07/2012 15:19

I don't really like DH's family which might be clouding my judgement on this. (I don't think the reasons are relevant for this and for the sake of brevity will leave it at that).

DH isn't really close to his family but he sees his parents briefly every fortnight or so. He also has a DB who he rarely sees but do all get together for Christmas and any other family gathering as decided by PIL.

DH's DB has a son who is now 13 who I'll call John before I get muddled with acronyms. I've known John since he was 5 and he has always been allowed to do and say whatever he likes as it's 'good to let kids express themselves'. Ok.

John is outspoken and rude towards my DH (thankfully he largely ignores me), frequently insulting his appearance whilst his parents and PIL look on with that sort of 'kids will be kids' face on. For some reason we are always too shocked to respond and I certainly have never felt it my place to say anything before.

This year has been very stressful for us, I'm expecting first DC and we really aren't in a great financial position. We were expected to provide John with an Easter present and when we didn't MIL pretty much told us off and for the sake of a quiet life DH went and got something. It was John's birthday yesterday and we didn't provide a present so we received a text from MIL simply saying 'John wants to know where his present is'.

We have yet to reply. I am astonished that adults are facilitating this kind of behaviour (including us of course!!) but have no idea how to handle it.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he is rude and ungrateful and that his own parents or at least grandparents should not be encouraging this?

If I'm NBU what the heck should we do about it?!

OP posts:
ddubsgirl · 17/07/2012 15:24

pull them up on it and tell them your having a baby and your money is being used elsewhere!

Boggler · 17/07/2012 15:28

I think yabu fir not getting your nephew anything for his birthday, believe me when your dc arrives you'll be hurt if their birthday is missed.

Kayano · 17/07/2012 15:30

If db didn't get your child something I bet you would be huffed

It's quite a snub to not get your nephew anything!

AdoraBell · 17/07/2012 15:31

YANBU

DH should be able to tell his siblings and parents that he will not be buying a gift this time as money is short/he has decided not to. Doesn't sound like he can though, if he just quietly allows John to openly criticise him while the rest of the family enjoy the spectacle. Because that's what it sounds like to me, sounds like your DH is the whipping boy. Actually sounds a lot like my PILs.

I would suggest, if DH doesn't feel able to stand up to them, that you minimise the amount of time spent with them. Maybe monthly short visits instead of fortnightly. Just drop in for coffee on your way to/back instead of spending a day or evening. Have Christmas at home, just you DH and DC. Only go to one or two of the family functions. See how that goes.

puds11 · 17/07/2012 15:33

I think you should have got him a present but he needs to be pulled up for his attitude or he is gonna be right little so and so when he grows up

TouTou · 17/07/2012 15:33

Jung - he sounds pretty vile because of his parents slack attitude. Poor kid in many ways.
Amazed by 'Easter presents' being expected as well. When did Easter suddenly become Xmas? Confused Chuck him a Kinder egg in future.

But... do you always tend to give him a birthday gift? If so, YABU to not think a text would be enough. Even a card and a little thing from Poundland would have been enough.

Salmotrutta · 17/07/2012 15:35

Really Boggler??

OP - sounds like the parents have let him away with murder and no, no-one should be "expected" to give presents. Nice if they want to but no big deal if they don't.

That boy is in for a hard time out in the big bad world if he has no manners or boundaries.

I'd say that money is tight and you have your own baby to think of and leave it at that.

I'd also tell the lad he was very rude the next time he passes remarks or says what he pleases.

Salmotrutta · 17/07/2012 15:37

I'd say if he's had 13 years worth of presents he's done well.

Some of my siblings stopped giving our DCs gifts when their own kids came along and that was absoutely fine by us!

TouTou · 17/07/2012 15:38

But please, OP, at least send a card in future if you do decide that money is too tight. At least that way, you have properly acknowledged his birthday, rather than a lame text, and you look thoughtful and loving. I only ever got cards from uncles and aunts and possibly a fiver shoved in there, and I was perfectly happy with that.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/07/2012 15:40

We didnt get my 13yo nephew an easter egg, he's 13 ffs and into girls.

Original poster
jungandeasilyfreudened · 17/07/2012 15:40

If we were one big happy family I would agree with you that it is a snub. Perhaps I should have elaborated more in my OP about how things are between DH and his family. To give an example, DH called his DB to tell him we were expecting a baby. His only comment on the matter in that and any subsequent conversation was 'bloody hell'. At no point then or since did DH get a 'congratulations'. I just find it quite odd that they don't have to acknowledge DH's existence until John doesn't get a present!

I also would not have EXPECTED a present from anyone other than my parents on my birthday. I just find it a strange sense of entitlement that DB and John can treat DH how they like the whole year and then demand a present.

OP posts:
Pippin23 · 17/07/2012 15:43

Fair enough a birthday present but an Easter present? Who buys Easter presents for teenagers? If he was 5 I could understand but he's 13, what were you supposed to get him, a fluffy bunny?!

YNBU, but you're going to have to compromise in order to keep the peace - it might be less stressful that way. My only advice is not to get caught up in thinking that because John is a little shit you shouldn't get him anything - personally I think the issue of his behaviour is separate.

Mrsjay · 17/07/2012 15:44

i HAVE A RELATIVE LIKE THIS although she is ruled by 3 teenage daughters always has been they really are nasty girls not all the time but most of the time , It is sad because tbh they got away with it for years,

Catsdontcare · 17/07/2012 15:44

I think Easter presents are stupid so I think not getting one was fine and I wouldn't have been pressured into it. Bit mean to not send a card but if he is an obnoxious sod then I'd be tempted not send anything either

Mrsjay · 17/07/2012 15:45

oh YANBU say something if he is rude to you or your husband and dont worry what the parents say I wouldnt

Catsdontcare · 17/07/2012 15:46

Families are weird in my family we only got gifts from parents and grandparents. Dh's family give gifts for every occasion possible which is tiresome!

StrawberryMojito · 17/07/2012 15:52

You should have got him a birthday present but his attitude stinks and his parents should teach him manners.

CheerfulYank · 17/07/2012 15:56

I don't recall getting presents from my aunts and uncles. If I were having a family party and they were invited, then of course. Otherwise a card or nothing at all.

And "John wants to know where his present it" ....how rude!

Chandon · 17/07/2012 15:56

I'd let DH handle this, stay out or you'll be the bad guy!

Alternative: say" We did not get anything this year". the end.

Original poster
jungandeasilyfreudened · 17/07/2012 15:58

I think the point that salmotrutta makes about him having a hard time when he grows up is quite true. In one way I feel a bit sorry for him as I think he will get one hell of a shock one day and in another I think it's gone on long enough and if his parents won't do anything we should bloody well stop rewarding him for being so ill mannered and demanding.

I really think it's the lack of intervention from parents and PIL that gets me.

And whilst I might see my child's birthday being missed as a snub I genuinely don't think DH's DB family would ever bother, I'd be amazed if they did in fact. Which is no problem, that's their choice. It just seems to be one rule for them and another for us.

adoraBell sadly I think that is DH's role in the family. I did think they might respect him more now he's going to be a dad but it doesn't look very likely.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 17/07/2012 15:59

Tell 'John' you have sent his present to a third world country.

I'd not have anything to do with them, family or not.

CinnabarRed · 17/07/2012 16:00

You could try the old MN standby of "That was rude. Did you mean to be so rude?"

It would also cover all insults from John when you're in his presence.

poppy283 · 17/07/2012 16:01

Yanbu, my sister is like John.

It's easy for those that live with he personto accept their behaviour as normal, ime you have to put your foot down.

It's your dh's family so the onus is on himto do this. Just be honest, tell them the reason you didn't get him a present and deal with the fall out.

My sister is 23, believe me it doesn't get better until you stop letting them get away with it.

Mrsjay · 17/07/2012 16:06

"You could try the old MN standby of "That was rude. Did you mean to be so rude?""

I do the passive aggressive YOU ARE welcome with my relatives daughters when they snatch something from me , relative including grandparents excuse behaviour as they have anger issues Hmm ok then 1 is ASD so she has a reason to be abrupt sometimes the other 2 are just out of control and down right nasty ,

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 17/07/2012 16:07

Ok birthday present is a bit of a snub (but hey if you are skint, you are skint. your own baby is a priority) but a sodding easter present?! For any child it isn't really a big deal, but a teenager? He could go whistle if it was me, vile or not.

As for any adult actually having the cheek to ask where a present was Shock they must have no social skills if they think this is appropriate to ask.

Really. it's no wonder "John" is as rude as he is with examples like this...