Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family ruled by 13 year old

54 replies

jungandeasilyfreudened · 17/07/2012 15:19

I don't really like DH's family which might be clouding my judgement on this. (I don't think the reasons are relevant for this and for the sake of brevity will leave it at that).

DH isn't really close to his family but he sees his parents briefly every fortnight or so. He also has a DB who he rarely sees but do all get together for Christmas and any other family gathering as decided by PIL.

DH's DB has a son who is now 13 who I'll call John before I get muddled with acronyms. I've known John since he was 5 and he has always been allowed to do and say whatever he likes as it's 'good to let kids express themselves'. Ok.

John is outspoken and rude towards my DH (thankfully he largely ignores me), frequently insulting his appearance whilst his parents and PIL look on with that sort of 'kids will be kids' face on. For some reason we are always too shocked to respond and I certainly have never felt it my place to say anything before.

This year has been very stressful for us, I'm expecting first DC and we really aren't in a great financial position. We were expected to provide John with an Easter present and when we didn't MIL pretty much told us off and for the sake of a quiet life DH went and got something. It was John's birthday yesterday and we didn't provide a present so we received a text from MIL simply saying 'John wants to know where his present is'.

We have yet to reply. I am astonished that adults are facilitating this kind of behaviour (including us of course!!) but have no idea how to handle it.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he is rude and ungrateful and that his own parents or at least grandparents should not be encouraging this?

If I'm NBU what the heck should we do about it?!

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 17/07/2012 16:07

I'm sure John got plenty of gifts for his birthday. It's grasping of them all to demand gifts like this.

I would explain that money is tight at the moment and that times are difficult.

Bet you get diddly squat for your dcs from them despite years of buying John gifts.

John sounds like a real mess actually. Being rude and opinionated is NOT a valid means of expressing oneself.

cozietoesie · 17/07/2012 16:14

Just a small thought, coming from The-Family-With-Complex-Dynamics.

Are you absolutely sure that John actually said that? He may be difficult (and many kids are at that age) but I've seen plenty occasions in my own family where remarks have been ascribed to other people for a variety of reasons. For all you know, John might not have been the one to notice and it may have been entirely an adult 'Did jungfamily send anything?' which has then been ...'translated'.

boneyjonesy · 17/07/2012 16:14

You don't know that it is john wanting to know where his present is, or if it's BIL/SIL/MIL that thinks you should be getting him something.
But if you wat them to buy for your child then you have to buy for John

PackItInNow · 17/07/2012 16:16

The parents and your IL's are enabling this behaviour by letting him away with the ill-manners and demands. Not only that but the IL's phoning up and 'demanding to know where 'John's' Easter present was, are letting him know that he has people to back up his snese of entitlement. That needs to stop, so 'John gets the idea that he WON'T get what he wants all the time.

Yes you'll probably be the bad guy, but who cares. You're not on this planet to be a skivvy to a teenager's ill-mannered demands.

Next time the PIL or parents ring up, tell them that you've decided that birthdays and Xmas are the only times anyone will get a pressie and card. The pressie and card will also depend on WHAT you can afford (that being a card and present or just a card). If the're not happy with that then they can take it or leave it.

You have a baby after all and the baby's needs comes first before any presents, cards or demands from you IL's.

FWIW, any time my own kids demand something, I give them this look Hmm for about 20 seconds and they back down pretty quickly or ask nicely. It's that look that says "I don't think so matey. I might think about it when you're more polite".

boneyjonesy · 17/07/2012 16:16

also I do have to say it's very easy to be critical of other people's parenting when you haven't any of your own.One day you might be the one with the the socially inept teenagers and eating your words.

PackItInNow · 17/07/2012 16:18

That was meant to be sense of entitlement. Would help if my fingers would stop going at 60mph on the keyboard when the old brain is going at 5mph Grin.

Original poster
jungandeasilyfreudened · 17/07/2012 16:43

cozietoesie for John's own sake I'd like to believe that is possible but a few weeks prior to his birthday last year we were visiting PIL and John and his parents were there. John's dad said 'John's got something to ask you' to DH. John then said 'yes, it's my birthday soon and I'd like blah blah'. We hadn't even been talking about his birthday. And just to be clear we have never received so much as a Christmas card from them. I think DH would have loved a handmade creation if money was tight. Surely anyone can manage a folded bit of paper with some festive colour crayon splodged on the front?

boneyjonesy I totally agree with you but it is the total lack of trying to intervene that I can't tolerate, not the fact that they could try and fail IYSWIM. And this has been going on for the 8 years I've known him, he hasn't suddenly turned into a Kevin. God knows I was an awful teenager but my parents did attempt to curtail some of my more appalling habits! I don't think there's much justification for consistent rudeness over so many years.

Thank you for so many ideas of how to improve things a bit. I haven't really helped poor DH and tend to sit there mute when it's all happening and seethe afterwards which doesn't help at all!

OP posts:
manicbmc · 17/07/2012 16:50

Is it just me imagining John as Dudley Dursley, counting up his birthday presents and demanding more?

MsOnatopp · 17/07/2012 16:59

Shock YANBU. Drop them.

cozietoesie · 17/07/2012 17:06

jungandeasilyfreudened

Ah well. It sounds to me, though - and from what you just posted, as if his family aren't so much 'facilitators' as 'instigators'. I'd be having a sideways look at them and their dynamics and just hope that the kid finds his own way out of the situation with minimal damage by the time he's in his late teens or early twenties.

That's if you can be bothered. In your place, I'd just stop trying and live my own life as I wished to. (Perhaps be there later on if the kid runs into trouble with his people.) You can't sacrifice your own lives to other people just because they're used to it.

AdoraBell · 17/07/2012 17:13

Judge. How do you think DH would feel if you stood up for him? Mine was horrified when I did it but now, years later, he appreciates it. Of course I'm the bad guy, but I'm bolshi enough to be happy with that.

Maybe point out "that's not a nice way to speak to your uncle" or similar depending on the situation.

tabulahrasa · 17/07/2012 17:17

I think everyone's being unreasonable.

Not giving your nephew even a cheap birthday present without even telling him first is fairly harsh tbh.

The text asking where his present is, is just rude and grasping.

Hopandaskip · 17/07/2012 17:29

yeah I was also suspecting it was MIL/FIL/BIL whatever thinking that you should have got him something and saying that 'John' wanted to know where his present was. Even if it were John, I suspect that he has had years of "why did they not get him something?!?!?" to influence his expectations.

Seriously though, even if you are incredibly brassic, is it too much to make a homemade card and get him a big bar of galaxy to recognise his birthday?

Easter on the other hand, yeah no.

cricketballs · 17/07/2012 17:34

I also would ask the question if it was actually John who asked where his present was or if it was MIL trying to ask why he received nothing from his uncle and aunt?

In terms of Easter, if it is a tradition within DH's family then for you to suddenly go against their tradition would feel like a snub. (for instance, my side ignore Easter, but dh's family have always given Easter eggs to the children of the family....even the teenagers)

Original poster
jungandeasilyfreudened · 17/07/2012 17:36

Sorry cozietoesie I didn't mean to address that whole paragraph just to you, I should have put a break in. I do think you're right though.

I think they might stop asking for presents when our baby arrives so they don't have to bother buying anything which will be a relief.

I just can't understand the idea of buying presents for people who are consistently rude to you, family or not. When does it stop? When they are 16? 18? Genuinely interested BTW, when does the 'I buy your child a present, you buy mine one' kind of agreement finish?!

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 17/07/2012 17:40

Goodness OP, YANBU. Even if you sent a present every year, since you're pregnant with your first I personally would not assume I'd be getting any gifts off you, given you have to prepare for the arrival of a baby!

If John did indeed ask, your in laws should have explained you have a new baby to think of atm. If he didn't your bloody in laws are rude as fuck for asking you. Presents are lovely if they're given but should never be expected.

I would speak to your husband about reducing contact. Then during the visits call them out on their rudeness immediately - Did you mean to be so rude? //That wasn't very nice John, please apologise to your Uncle. // etc. You'll either stun them into showing some manners or they'll get worse - in which case you have a perfectly valid reason to just leave.

manicbmc · 17/07/2012 17:42

I think if they had reciprocated with cards at Christmas/birthdays then fair enough. But they hadn't.

But you just know a kid like that (with those parents) is not going to be happy with a homemade card and a bar of chocolate. Especially as he had asked for something specific anyway.

Original poster
jungandeasilyfreudened · 17/07/2012 17:43

Easter eggs I could understand but they were definitely expecting something more along the lines of a birthday present type of gift.

We didn't get anything in the first instance because we totally forgot, not nice I know but I had pregnancy hospital visits which we were stressed about and other major things going on (trying not to out self).

I think it just would have been nice if someone had said 'it isn't like you to forget John's birthday, is everything ok?' rather than demanding the present. After that I really just wanted to tell them to stick it.

OP posts:
Mayisout · 17/07/2012 17:47

In my albeit limited experience ghastly spoilt DCs can turn out alright in the end. The fact is they KNOW exactly what is going on, who is pressuring who, who is being put upon, but it is to their advantage to let the ridiculous behaviour continue.

Once older they just switch to how they KNOW they should be behaving and get on ok in life.

I would give him money for bday , think we gave 20 quid to DNs, then stopped at 18, then something for 21st. I'm wrong what we did was give 20 quid for Xmas and skipped bdays after the age of say, 8, until 18th and 21st. Then finished. But you seem to be stuck so would just do it, it will stop when he is 18 surely

Socknickingpixie · 17/07/2012 17:50

that sounds very much like the parents not the child wondering.

in my family we dont bother with easter apart from with the branches that go to church but they just get a card we all buy our own children easter eggs,i think it gets silly if everybody sends one how many eggs does 1 child need? befor we implimemted this rule my kids ended up with over 50 eggs all but 1 each ended up in a black bag and taken to a local refuge for the kids in real need.easter presants are just wank and i cant get my head around them.

birthdays are somewhat different tho i get for all my nephews (i dont have any neices im the proud owner of all 3 of the girls and 50% of the boys as well) my brothers and sisters all get for all kids non of us buys for adults unless uts a special birthday but not one of us children inc would ever expect anything or ask

tabulahrasa · 17/07/2012 17:50

It's not a I buy your child a present you buy mine one thing if it's your nephew though...it's just buying your nephew a birthday present. If he's truly awful (and I also have one that is) then presents stop at 16 because they're adults and I don't buy presents for adults if I don't want to give them one.

Forgetting isn't the same though, I assumed you'd decided not to buy a present - doing it by accident is different.

picnicbasketcase · 17/07/2012 17:50

Shock They'd be getting nowt from me, I can tell you that much. It's bloody dreadful that no-one is discouraging this child's behaviour and are even egging him on to demand things. I think you need to point out that despite their lack of congratulations and best wishes you are having a baby and that your own child is your priority when it comes to spending money. And they'd better get used to it, because that's how it's going to be from now on.

And I hope someone eventually tells John to learn some bloody manners Angry

worrywortisworrying · 17/07/2012 17:51

Surely, you tell them (and John) that you got him EXACTLY what he got you.

Floggingmolly · 17/07/2012 17:57

Your mil sounds as much of a problem as John. It's certainly not her place to be demanding presents on his behalf Hmm. Can you ask her to keep her beak out, or would the fall out be too much to handle?

wordfactory · 17/07/2012 17:58

Text: John wants to know where his present is.
Reply: John needs to learn some manners.

That said, I do buy my nieces and nephews and my cousins' DC cards and gifts (more often than not, vouchers).