to be annoyed with DH's stag do/wedding schedule

[Lambzig]

Two of DH's friends, one from school, one from work are getting married in October and we and our DD 2 are invited.

The weddings are on consecutive Saturdays and will inolve 3-4 hour car journeys each way and an overnight in a hotel both times. I was a little bit 'ouch' at this as I will be 8 months pregnant by the end of it, so the car journeys will be a bit uncomfortable. In addition, we are quite broke, desperately trying to pay off debts and save a bit of money before I go on maternity leave so the double present buying/hotel/petrol money is not great. However, they are DH's friends and he refuses to go by himself, so I said I was happy to go as long as there are no pregnancy issues and DD is ok.

Last night, DH told me that he is also going to the two stag weekends which are the two weekends before the weddings. This means that he will be away from Thursday night to Sunday night for those weekends as well and they are both 3 nights in a hotel plus the obvious costs of food and drinking.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off that he is going to be away for two consecutive weekends, leaving me with all the childcare (I am working part time which will be pretty full on just before I leave) and spending lots of money we dont have (he says he will put the costs on a credit card, great!), then that will be followed by another two weekends away that we cant afford at weddings where I dont know anyone (and will inevitably end up being the grown up while he has a few drinks with his mates), all towards the end of my pregnancy. I am not the youngest, working hard to make sure I keep my job after maternity leave and am shattered at the moment already and finding looking after DD very tiring.

Want to ask DH if he could just pick one stag weekend, or just go for one of the nights for both of them, but want to be fair.

Just want to add that I am normally very cool with him going away/out etc, its just the double event and the cost and the timing. Happy to be told that others have managed three children while giving birth and running a multi-national while their DH or DP were on a month long stag trip to Ibiza and I am being unreasonable.

I'm usually all yabu and all that with stag do's as a lot of women get a bit hysterical over them. But I don't think you are being unreasonable.

If there isn't the money you don't go. I think he should reconsider his plans for this reason alone.

I don't think it's U of him to want to go on two consecutive stag weekends, I'd say it was fine if you could afford it. But if you can't afford it and it's all got to go on credit cards, HIBVU.

There is no way I would go away for the weekend on hen nights if it mean getting into debt, and I know dh wouldn't do it for his friends stag nights. We are bth more likely to feel that these fiends had been inconsiderate in planning weekends away when they knew another friend is having the same thing at another weekend so close.

Are these two friends with each other? They should have done a joint stag night if they wanted all their friends to be able to attend both.

Oh, should have read properly! One is a school friend one is a work friend! I'd make dh choose one or the other.

YANBU

The cost alone should rule it out but I would probably have stopped DP going on a stag do when I was heavily pg and had a toddler too. I used to cry picking her out of the cot I was so exhausted. What if you go into labour? Does he not mind missing the birth of DC2?

YANBU, this is bad timing and you can't afford it. It's irresponsible to put things on a credit card when you don't have a plan for paying it back and by doing so, he's sacrificing your financial security for two weekends of pleasure purely for him. Selfish much?

TBH I would not be happy attending weddings 3/4 hours away at 8 months pregnant and would not be going. Even if your pregnancy is normal the journey will be exhausting for you and if anything does happen you will be a very long way from home. It just sounds like a bad idea all round.

The reasonable thing in my opinion would be for him to not go to either stag do and for him to go to the weddings by himself, preferably taking your DD so you can get a rest!

YANBU. Even if you were not pregnant, with the resulting strain for you to be left with everything, he can't afford to do it.
DH is away for four days at the end of August (our DC3 is due the first week of Sept) and he is going out of his way to make sure he is accessible, sober and ready to return at the drop of a hat should I need him. If I didn't want him to go he wouldn't.
What's with the refusing to go on his own? WTF?

I don't understand this bit about how he refuses to go to the weddings on his own. He has no problem going to the stag dos on his own!

If it were my DH, he'd either go to only one stag do, or go to both but for only one night each (although really, if we were in debt, he wouldn't go to either).

I think you're totally in the right and your DH needs to be more considerate here.

I have no problem with dh going away, tbh I enjoy it!

But, there's no way he would be going if we couldn't afford it and I was 8 months pregnant.

And we wouldn't be going to the weddings either.

If you can't afford it you can't - heck no to putting weekends with the boys on a credit card, that's a terrible idea, particularly when you know your income is about to drop.

YANBU

My dh wouldn't leave me when I was heavily pregnant. Your needs are more important than his at the moment.

Two 3 night holidays? When you are heavily pregnant? No way?

Weddings are about other peoples dreams and their future life together.
If you can go and celebrate their special day with them, great. However, this should not have a massive impact on you and your family. If you cannot afford to go to the weddings, do not want to go, are physically unable to go or things will be very difficult if you do you go, then don't go!

I've long learnt not to do things out of obligation.

If instead of going to the wedding you were to put the money you would've spent into a bank account for your children, and do the same for every wedding like this, think how much you could have saved for them to be put towards their Uni fund.

As for the stag parties He is BVUR.

YANBU.

Personally in your circumstances he shouldn't going to the weddings either, they sound like they are going to cost an awful lot. I'd be putting my foot down about it being un-practical and unfair and if he insists on at least attending the weddings then he would be going alone.

Yes they are good friends and it would be a shame for him not to be able to attend however spending family money you don't really have to spare and when your income is about to be cut on a none essential isn't very sensible and taking an uncomfortable 4 hour drive whilst heavily pregnant, and sitting around like a gooseberry in a room full of people I barely know whilst not even being able to have a drink does not sound like my idea of fun.

Could he not opt not to drink at the wedding and drive back the same night to save hotel fee's?

Has he given any consideration of what will happen if you go into early labour?

I didn't go to a family members wedding for pretty much the same reason's - too far and too costly.

There's no way health wise I could have done a wedding 4hrs from home at 36wks pregnant with ds2 and I had ds1 at 37 weeks! I think you probably need to get dh to choose one stag and one wedding, or he does both weddings on the understanding that you may not be up to going, and no stags. I also think you need to try and get through to him just how precarious you being able to go to either wedding might be - there's a very real chance you just won't be fit to go. Good luck - lots of talking in the weeks ahead I think!

YANBU about the cost if money is tight.

Looking after my kids alone wouldn't bother me at all and it doesn't bother DH when he does it either.

YANBU, especially concerning the money issue. One long weekend like that costs a lot never mind two.

I think it would be quite fair to ask him to pick and chose; perhaps a day/night at each stag.

As an aside though I wouldn't be that comfortable with DP going drinking at your stage incase anything happened. I'm 34 weeks at the minute and my DP is away with work and it's just not worth the hassle to me as I have felt constantly on edge that I'll go into labour early and he won't be home in time.

yanbu

as one poster said, he is happy to go on a stag do alone, so can go to the wedding alone - as you will be heavily pregnant and wont know anyone and cant afford it

so basically the 4 weekends will be taken up by stag do's and weddings

I'd not go to any of it, stag nights, weddings, whatever. You don't want to, it's too much hassle and you can't afford it.

I'll bet the couples will barely notice.

YANBU.
I'd go to the weddings as I feel friends' weddings are important, but I'd also tell your husband to go to each stag just for one night if he can. Unless either of the stags are close enough for him to just go for one night's eating and drinking and get the last train home - in which case he should forget staying in a hotel altogether.
By my maths, you're looking at at least £100 a night for each stag, taking into account the hotel, food and booze, especially if he's keeping up with the lads. That's £600 if he did them both for three nights each, which is what - a month's mortgage while you're on maternity leave? It's too much money to fritter away, in my opinion.

I'm actually in a very similar situation to your DH right now, as well.
I'm six months' pregnant, we're skint, and we're trying to save up enough money for maternity leave - yet I have two weddings of close friends to go to, on consecutive weekends in August.
Both involve nights in hotels and one involves a short-haul flight, at great expense.
I'm choosing to do the weddings, but have sacrificed the hen dos as I simply can't afford them. For one (which has already happened) I drove three hours each way just to join them for a meal and dancing, and for the other I'm getting the last train home, again after the meal.
The friends understood my position, just as your DH's friends should. I also resent being expected to fork out for an entire weekend for a hen or stag do, at a cost of hundreds of pounds, but that's a different topic altogether...

Just tell him that the cost of the stag nights means that you and the children can't go to the weddings with him, and that you are going to use some of your savings to get a cleaner in on one of the weekends he is away, to deep clean the entire house ready for the baby coming as you won't be able to do it all alone by then.
If he can go to the stag nights all alone poor widdle fing he can go to the weddings alone. Eight months pregnant and with 2 children to watch all day, at a wedding for someone else's friends isn't my idea of a fun time, let alone paying out hundreds of pounds I didn't have for the dubious privilege.

Thanks for your responses. Its good to know that I am being very unreasonable. I dont mind the weddings too much as DH wants to see his friends married and I totally get that and both grooms and partners have been generous to us when DD was born and her birthdays/Christmas so as long as I can physically do it, then that will be OK. Costs for those pretty much the same if DH goes by himself or I go with him as petrol and hotel is the same (hotels both £80 per night and petrol around £50 for each so around £300 to go to both weddings, a bit painful but just about OK). We would buy both couples a present even if we couldnt attend.

I dont know why he wont go on his own, but he is always like this about weddings/parties/birthdays if I am invited. He admits if I am unwell, he would have to go on his own or not go, but would like to try. Fair enough.

Both stags are in the UK, but 3-4 hours drive away. I have just added up the cost.

DH showed me the emails so the first stag is £90 hotel per night then about another £100 to pay for the activities booked then food and booze on top, so easily £500.

Second is a bit cheaper, £70 per night hotel plus booze and food, so probably about £350?

Add on petrol (another sore point is that DH wants to take the car to both as they are in the country and he can give others lifts, so I have no car for both weekends).

Therefore, it could be as much as £950-1000 for the two weekends. Eeek. Perhaps if I point this out to DH, he will agree its a bit much.

He did get a bonus this month that would easily cover it, but we had already agreed that this would be used to pay of some debt.

One way to approach this might be to figure out a realistic budget for all the events say, maybe you can squeeze £400 or so out of what you have and then leave it to him to decide what he wants to attend within that budget. If it only covers the weddings for him alone, so be it, if he can manage one stag do night as well, great.

It's slightly more positive than saying 'no I dont' want you to go to X', but still being realistic about it.

oh sorry x-post

With those figures, I'd be saying weddings but no stag dos. That's a massive amount of money and really quite irresponsible if you have debts already.

He's going to leave you with no car two weekends in a row so he can give lifts to other people?

Um... how about he fucks off with that idea?

Not a chance. My DH wouldn't be attending either stag. In fact it's highly unlikely I would even hear about them, as he would have the good sense to realise this himself and not even bother suggesting it to me.
What a complete waste of money, particularly when you can't afford it.

A GRAND for the two weekends?!?
I don't know what your maternity leave budget is, but we're budgeting £1,000 a month as our total expenditure for when I'm off (it'll be very tight, but just do-able, I hope). So the cost of those two stags would be an extra month of me being at home with my baby.
Therefore, if it were me, there's no way my DH would be going on either of those weekends. I should add that I'm usually all for him going off with the lads, and have no problem with stags in general, but the money involved here is madness. And leaving you home with no car for two weekends would also be a massive pain for you, with two children at home.

His bonus, surely, should be a bonus for the family and to pay for your collective debt/ savings/ whatever you need. Not a licence for him to blow it on booze.
If he really wants to go, he could do a day of each stag and take the car. As I said in my previous post, I drove three hours each way for a hen do recently, as I really wanted to see one of my oldest friends but simply couldn't afford the hotel. Yes, it's a long way, but it's hardly a stupidly long distance when such huge cost savings would be involved.

£300 to go to both weddings is reasonable, but £1,000 for the associated stags is just daft, in my opinion. In your current situation, I'd definitely put my foot down.