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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with DH's stag do/wedding schedule

64 replies

Lambzig · 17/07/2012 10:28

Two of DH's friends, one from school, one from work are getting married in October and we and our DD 2 are invited.

The weddings are on consecutive Saturdays and will inolve 3-4 hour car journeys each way and an overnight in a hotel both times. I was a little bit 'ouch' at this as I will be 8 months pregnant by the end of it, so the car journeys will be a bit uncomfortable. In addition, we are quite broke, desperately trying to pay off debts and save a bit of money before I go on maternity leave so the double present buying/hotel/petrol money is not great. However, they are DH's friends and he refuses to go by himself, so I said I was happy to go as long as there are no pregnancy issues and DD is ok.

Last night, DH told me that he is also going to the two stag weekends which are the two weekends before the weddings. This means that he will be away from Thursday night to Sunday night for those weekends as well and they are both 3 nights in a hotel plus the obvious costs of food and drinking.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off that he is going to be away for two consecutive weekends, leaving me with all the childcare (I am working part time which will be pretty full on just before I leave) and spending lots of money we dont have (he says he will put the costs on a credit card, great!), then that will be followed by another two weekends away that we cant afford at weddings where I dont know anyone (and will inevitably end up being the grown up while he has a few drinks with his mates), all towards the end of my pregnancy. I am not the youngest, working hard to make sure I keep my job after maternity leave and am shattered at the moment already and finding looking after DD very tiring.

Want to ask DH if he could just pick one stag weekend, or just go for one of the nights for both of them, but want to be fair.

Just want to add that I am normally very cool with him going away/out etc, its just the double event and the cost and the timing. Happy to be told that others have managed three children while giving birth and running a multi-national while their DH or DP were on a month long stag trip to Ibiza and I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:

YouOldSlag · 17/07/2012 11:51

YANBU.

Every time he lives it up on a stag night, he is leaving his heavily pregnant wife to cope on her own with a 2yo after a tiring week. It's selfish.

Also, I know two people who had their babies 4 weeks early. If that happens he will be miles away from you and drunk and you will have nobody to take care of your DD.

He might be gutted at missing the stags and weddings but he has to learn to say "I can't make it, my wife's 8 months pregnant and not up to the journey/I can't leave her etc"

What he wants to do is not as important as what he needs to do. He is a grown up now. Getting into debt so he can get pissed up before the baby is born is not responsible.

People understand if you can't make a wedding when 8 months pregnant.

Original poster

Lambzig · 17/07/2012 11:59

To put it in perspective, £1000 is about the salary I wont be getting, so it is another months maternity leave paid for (if we had it, but we dont have it anyway)

OP posts:

GlassofRose · 17/07/2012 12:02

If there isn't the money you don't go. I think he should reconsider his plans for this reason alone.

^ What she said

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 17/07/2012 18:45

you are in debt already. how on earth can he justify going and spending the money?

he should also be helping you rest/prepare for baby towards the end of your pregnancy and be prioritising that, so cutting back drastically on the social life. however, the lack of money should mean he cuts back a bit anyway.

WilsonFrickett · 17/07/2012 18:51

I'm usually a bit meh over stag-do posts, but on this occasion YANBU. I think you have to really talk to him about this and say 'look, do you realise we're going to be spending a month doing wedding things, and I'm just not fit for it?'. Then, work out a total amount of money you both agree you can afford to be spent on stags, and then leave him to work out how to cut his cloth accordingly. It's madness to spend this much when you want to save. And TBH by the time you get to wedding #2, you are going to be exhausted and no fun after 2 weekends doing by yourself and a further wedding. It's really unfortunate, nobody's fault, but the timing is terrible. He needs to rein it in.

Laquitar · 17/07/2012 18:59

It is not 1,000 is it? £90 for the hotel, is he going to drink £400? And the second one is £70 for hotel plus drinks.
Still, if you cant afford it then it is silly to go. He has a good excuse so he can give them a miss.

boredandrestless · 17/07/2012 19:02

YANBU about the stag weekends. Too much money, too much time away where you have to cope with a toddler while 8 months pg AND with no car.

He's being very selfish and short sighted here. I'd also be concerned about his stance on financial priorities and debt.

boredandrestless · 17/07/2012 19:03

£90 PER NIGHT! It's not a stag night - it's a stag weekend.

I don't get this whole hoohar over stag and hen weekends, find it all a bit selfish but that's a whole other thread!

Chubfuddler · 17/07/2012 19:05

My Dh can be a little bit like this - inconveniencing us to be all hail fellow well met with his friends. Well he could until I had a massive fit about it and put my foot down.

Four weekends on the trot, at the end of a pregnancy, with massive expense you can ill afford - no fucking way basically.

FlangelinaBallerina · 17/07/2012 19:26

You can't afford it, and that's all there is to it. There's no point umming and ahhing over whether YWBU if you did have the money, because you don't.

I think your best bet is to rule out the stag nights, refuse to go to the weddings yourself and sell it as his last chance for a couple of big nights out before the baby. I'd have thought he'd be glad to get some time to himself to socialise without having to look after any DC or a pregnant wife!

nightowlmostly · 17/07/2012 19:44

YANBU. The money issue alone is a good enough reason for him to skip the stag dos.

And as for you going to the weddings, when I was pg I could barely sit in the car for 15 mins with the rib pain, so I wouldn't count on being fit for that even if you say now you'll go.

I'd be having words, but tbh he really should be able to figure this stuff out for himself! Sorry OP, good luck!

inabeautifulplace · 17/07/2012 19:49

Sounds very familiar to me. Though our child was born last year, I've turned down 3 stag do invites and a couple of weddings since, all for financial reasons.
I'm sure your bloke has had lots of free and easy times in the past (and you, hopefully!). But until the family finances are straight then there's simply no room for extravagance. He needs to accept that taking on significant debt in exchange for a few days of fun is irresponsible.

LaQueen · 17/07/2012 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

malovitt · 17/07/2012 20:14

I agree with LaQueen.

MizK · 17/07/2012 20:15

I think YANBU. mainly because of him hogging the car for two weekends in a row!
Agree with LaQueen that I personally try to attend hen dos if I can because they are a special one off thing, not just a random jolly - but from what you say you really can't afford for him to go to both weekends. Maybe if he goes to one but makes sure he takes the other stag out for a pint and explains he genuinely can't go?
Do try to attend the weddings with him if you can, because non-wedding attendance is a bit hurtful to the couple even if you do have a good reason.
Good luck, OP!

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/07/2012 20:22

"(another sore point is that DH wants to take the car to both as they are in the country and he can give others lifts, so I have no car for both weekends"

No. Just no. You should come before the friends he wants to give lifts to. If he wants to look generous, he can tell them all how he let you have the car this weekend because you needed it more than him/them.

solidgoldbrass · 17/07/2012 20:32

I know you are currently PG and have a toddler to look after OP but - when do you get treats, parties, social time with your friends? How much family money is spent on things that benefit you alone? I think you could be falling into a worrying pattern of the man behaving as though he is the only one entitled to treats and leisure, and you need to stamp on it.

noblegiraffe · 17/07/2012 20:34

Oh dear god, you can't travel 4 hours while 8 months pregnant to go to the weddings of people you don't even know.

I went to a wedding when I was 9 months pregnant which was 4 hours away. We got the train so I could be near a loo and walk up and down if necessary. The journey was bloody awful, I could have cried, I felt so bad. But I grinned and bore it because it was my brother's wedding. No fucking way would I have done it for strangers. And I didn't even have DC to look after.

YouOldSlag · 17/07/2012 22:06

non-wedding attendance is a bit hurtful to the couple even if you do have a good reason.

Rubbish! If an 8 months pregnant guest couldn't make it to my wedding because she lived 3-4 hours away I wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurt and I doubt any sensible bride would be.

DitaVonCheese · 17/07/2012 22:11

Laquitar it's not just one night, so it's 3 x £90 plus £100 for activities plus food and drink, then 3 x £70 plus food and drink.

OP, are they at least sharing hotel rooms?

YouOldSlag · 17/07/2012 22:15

And Laquitar, that's just the stag, the weddings will cost petrol and hotel costs as well.

holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 22:28

It's too late in the pregnancy for him to bugger off anyway. You will be as good as full term when the stag dos come around and will be completely knackered and in need of support and rest. He could also miss the birth if you gave birth while he was away on his jolly. He is really selfish if he is determined to put mates needs first. He needs to tell them that he is very sorry but you can't attend as wife will really need me even if she doesn't give birth that weekend.

holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 22:30

Don't go to the weddings either. It's too close to the birth dates. Why should this time be all about his friends when you really should be top priority.

One day visit to each stag do could be OK but really any friend would understand why a pregnant wifes needs would be a higher priority.

YouOldSlag · 17/07/2012 22:33

He is really selfish if he is determined to put mates needs first

This ^^ in a nutshell.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/07/2012 22:50

YANBU. I do think it's tough to miss out on stag do's and weddings but he really wants it all his way - the weekends, the car etc.

There must be a compromise somewhere - e.g. if he car shares or goes for less days per stag do then it will reduce costs.

And I assume you have your weekends away while he looks after your DC planned in return?

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