to be annoyed with DH's stag do/wedding schedule

[Lambzig]

Two of DH's friends, one from school, one from work are getting married in October and we and our DD 2 are invited.

The weddings are on consecutive Saturdays and will inolve 3-4 hour car journeys each way and an overnight in a hotel both times. I was a little bit 'ouch' at this as I will be 8 months pregnant by the end of it, so the car journeys will be a bit uncomfortable. In addition, we are quite broke, desperately trying to pay off debts and save a bit of money before I go on maternity leave so the double present buying/hotel/petrol money is not great. However, they are DH's friends and he refuses to go by himself, so I said I was happy to go as long as there are no pregnancy issues and DD is ok.

Last night, DH told me that he is also going to the two stag weekends which are the two weekends before the weddings. This means that he will be away from Thursday night to Sunday night for those weekends as well and they are both 3 nights in a hotel plus the obvious costs of food and drinking.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off that he is going to be away for two consecutive weekends, leaving me with all the childcare (I am working part time which will be pretty full on just before I leave) and spending lots of money we dont have (he says he will put the costs on a credit card, great!), then that will be followed by another two weekends away that we cant afford at weddings where I dont know anyone (and will inevitably end up being the grown up while he has a few drinks with his mates), all towards the end of my pregnancy. I am not the youngest, working hard to make sure I keep my job after maternity leave and am shattered at the moment already and finding looking after DD very tiring.

Want to ask DH if he could just pick one stag weekend, or just go for one of the nights for both of them, but want to be fair.

Just want to add that I am normally very cool with him going away/out etc, its just the double event and the cost and the timing. Happy to be told that others have managed three children while giving birth and running a multi-national while their DH or DP were on a month long stag trip to Ibiza and I am being unreasonable.

I think hen and stag dos are important (to the bride and groom obviously!) and would make an effort to compromise. That said, as a hen, my MOH deliberately designed a weekend that people could pick all of or bits to attend, some friends came to the whole thing, others to one night, and I was grateful to everyone for taking the time and effort and of course financial effort, we took lots of food and drink to make it as cheap as possible for othes. I don't think hens/stags should ever be offended if people cannot attend expensive do's.

In this case, I would compromise, that would be, given his bonus, one night of each stag do.

Your compromise could be tnat you will go to weddings if you are well enough.

His should be he would not drink at either wedding in case you go into labour.

You are NBU and good luck!

Would be very upset if dh couldn't understand why I would be upset if he demanded to go on 2 expensive holidays stag dos and 2 not-cheap weddings in the 4 weeks while I was at the latter end of my pregnancy, regardless of the money situation.

Wanting to spend all the money on them when you don't have it and are already struggling and about to go on maternity leave - double whammy of upset.

Taking the car too so you are left without when 8 months pregnant - triple whammy.

What does he think is going to happen if you go into labour when he is away? Has he got any plans for how you are going to get to hospital (get taxi quotes) and who is going to look after the kids, how they are going to get to these people (or these people get to them), how are you going to be supported in hospital - get a couple of prices for doulas so you have something to show that him going isn't potentially just going to be about him spending money but that you will have to spend more if you do go into labour. Also different plans will be needed if it is a short quick labour vs a long labour (were previous dc early or late - and is he banking on this again?)

Get him to work out exactly how much it is going to cost him in interest card credit charges too so you are talking about exact costs rather than just the intial outlay. and include all your extra expenses too.

Then see if you can get him to change his own mind. Failing that - get him to just go to one day/evening for each stag. and see how you feel on the day as to whether or not you want to go to the weddings.

good luck - hope you manage to persuade him. yanbu - he is.

I'm biased though - DH was asked to be best man for a friend who's wedding was around the time I was due. As soon as they found out, they moved the stag weekend a few weeks earlier and the wedding a few weeks later so we would both be able to attend but were also completely quick to reassure us that if one or both wasn't able to attend due to baby issues they had no problem with that whatsoever. removed the stress a lot!

Actually - I have a better solution...

I'd invoke the mw saying that it wasn't good for me to spend so many hours sitting being driven in the late stages of pg (dvt risk etc) but that you think the best idea is for him to take the kids to the wedding so he isn't on his own and you can just relax at home, rest up after hectic work and before hectic baby arrival...

would love to see his face when he processes that one

It's just too risky OP. As zipzap said, there's the DVT risk, poor circulation etc involved in a long car journey, plus you said your DH is likely to want a drink too. Well that'll be no good for you, will it?

He needs to grow up. Stags and hens are not as important as a healthy pregnancy and a rested wife who is about to be a mother of two. Even my 6yo is being taught to live with occasional disappointment!

Thank you Dita and YouOld. That's a lot then.

I'm all for weddings and birthday parties but 3 nights stag at over £500 is bloody a lot and imo when you do something like this at these hard times you have to expect that some friends will not come. Unless you are under 5 yrs old and you dont know about reccession and about debts.

Exactly Laquitar, People have to start understanding that when you have a family your economic priorities change. starting with the OP's DH!

Excellent advice from zipzap. I'd be able to deliver that message with a straight face and everything.

zipzap is very wise.

YANBU. Your husband is being Unreasonable and Unrealistic.

I ran the scenario by my DH and his response... "no" to both stag do's (he was horrified at the thought of spending 6 nights drinking and racking up £1000 to pay for it all! And "no" to the work colleague's wedding, but send a nice card and gift with apologies. And "possibly yes" to him going alone to the friend's wedding (provided he could organise an inexpensive way to go and stay in inexpensive hotel for minimum time), but using public transport (so I had the car at home if I needed it) and not drinking while there in case he needed to come home in a hurry if I went into labour early. (which obviously I won't as I'm not actually pregnant - this is just a "what would you do?" )

If you don't have the money, you don't go. It's that simple.

We actually did similar with one of DH's oldest friends when he got married last year. DH missed the stag do as we couldn't afford it at the time (to make up for it, they got together one evening prior to the wedding and just had a couple drinks at the pub instead). For the wedding, I stayed home with our DSs (one has SNs and coordinating for him to go was just too difficult), and DH went on the train. While he was there, myself and the boys got very very ill, and he rushed back home (missing the wedding!). I felt horrendously guilty that he missed the wedding, but his friend (and his friend's new wife) understood why he had to leave, and DH said afterwards (when I was moaning about how badly I felt that he missed it) that there was no way he would have stayed there once he knew we were so ill.

It's all about priorities IMO.

I have a tent of a dress for my cousin's wedding that I never got to. I was 36 weeks and my dd decided she wanted out. You going into labour is a very real possibility. YANBU.

My DH says no to both stags and he would pick the wedding he most wanted to go to but realistically probably wouldn't go to either. Surely if you'll be 8 months pg then there's a reasonable chance of you going into labour 3-4 hours away from home?

(Drama I attended my first wedding a two weeks old because my mum was due to be a heavily pregnant bridesmaid for her sister but I was early )

I cannot imagine being in a car for 4 hours whilst 8 mos gone AND looking after a 2yo. I could barely manage 10 mins in the car at that point.

Also if you can't afford it, that's that. I'd love to go on holiday this year but we don't have the money so are nOt going anywhere.

This really isn't about whether YOU are being unreasonable, your DH is being massively unreasonable to not have worked out for himself that he's doing quite well getting to both weddings; blithely assuming he can have two three night weekends away on top (that he can't afford) is beyond unreasonable.

He needs to understand that there simply isn't a spare grand for this, not to mention the fact that disappearing for two long weekends when you are heavily pregnant and have a toddler to look after makes him a total wanker. I would massively resent having to point it out to a grown up. If all else fails and he insists on going for God's sake don't let him take the car. At that point it should just be a straight NO.