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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is he? or am I getting carried away with myself (long sorry)

74 replies

SherlockGnomes · 17/07/2012 10:05

Would really like some perspective on this? I currently work in an admin role and as a complete fluke I've been offered some work for the company doing some content writing - which is pretty much my dream job. I would be paid per article but would have to guarantee a certain number of hours per week, I currently work three days a week and spend the other two looking after my 10mo dd. I had planned to agree to some hours from home (3 a day) and if they couldn't get done I could do them in the evening. Sent my DH a massively excited email and was told I was getting carried away with myself, that he felt I wasn't looking after dd properly by doing this - this is the rest of the email:

"If your gonna do this its gonna have to be on a night when she is in bed... Or on a Sunday when she is not there... and by the time she is in bed at the ' mo then your not far behind!

I'm not having ago... or saying your not doing enough... but we have had a working washing machine for 3 weeks, and we still havent even caught up with that yet!

I dont want you to end up perma stressed, tired and worrried about deadlines!!!

SO really think about it and any questions"

I feel a bit gutted - especially about the laundry bit, as he had a day off work yesterday with no DD so had ample time to get it done, but not sure if it's just being pig headed because I want this so much, thoughts much appreciated?

OP posts:

Tillyscoutsmum · 17/07/2012 10:07

YANBU. He is being a misogynistic twat

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 10:08

You see I'd have to dump him on the grounds of his written English. I couldn't bear it. What's this 'gonna' all about, eh?

I think what he's trying to get at is that he's not going to do anything more in the house, even if it means you can do something you love.

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 10:10

It would be hard to spend three hours writing with a 10 month old in the house, unless the baby was particularly good at sleeping, so you'd have to do it in the evenings.

He's couching it in terms of worrying about you meeting deadlines, where I think he's worrying about the impact it will have on his life.

badtime · 17/07/2012 10:10

Tell him to do the fucking washing himself. He clearly thinks housework and childcare is for women and outside work is for men, event though you already work.
He is a tool.

YANBU, but he is.

PenisVanLesbian · 17/07/2012 10:10

He can't spell.

And he's a twat. Tell him to go fuck himself, and do his own washing.

worldgonecrazy · 17/07/2012 10:10

YANBU. Did he have a valid reason for not helping with the laundry yesterday?

It sounds like he feels threatened by you doing this and is trying to undermine you. Maybe he's jealous that your standard of grammar and spelling is good enough to be a copy writer and his is dreadful?

Dropdeadfred · 17/07/2012 10:12

Sorry but what a twat he sounds

pictish · 17/07/2012 10:13

Yanbu!!

Where is the support here? All he cares about is himself...and I think there are underlying tones of resenting you getting ahead and finding something that makes you happy....which is a bad sign.

If this were me, my dh would be delighted for me and would do whatever was in his power to facilitate an easier time for me so I could accomodate it.

Your dh is a toss!!!!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/07/2012 10:13

IMO a partner should be jumping over himself to congratulate you and tbh why the hell cant he catch up with the washing.

Why cant he take DD for a while in the evening to let you do this new work? Im sure he will have no difficulty spending any extra money it brings.

He is BVVU

Nancy66 · 17/07/2012 10:14

Well definitely don't get him to proof read your writing.

Three hours a day probalby IS a bit ambitious with a 10 month old.

But he is being a twat.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 17/07/2012 10:14

Firstly he needs to write properly, that would annoy me immensely.
Secondly, why couldn't HE have caught up on the washing yesterday when he had a day off?

I think he's being completely unreasonable. This is something you've dreamt of doing and now he's squashing it and taking the shine from it?! That's hardly supportive is it.

Accept the offer, make it work and stick two fingers up at him. (Yes, I'm feeling childish today).

PurplePidjin · 17/07/2012 10:15

Is he so incompetently childish that he can't put clothes in a machine and push a couple of buttons? Does a Y chromosome prevent the vacuum cleaner working? Do Gordon Ramsey, Marco Pierre White and Jamie Oliver all lack testicles, with their unnerving ability to produce nutritious food?

Tell him to post his opinions somewhere my dp and his mates can see them. He'll soon learn how manly he is

Ormiriathomimus · 17/07/2012 10:15

"I dont want you to end up perma stressed, tired and worrried about deadlines!!! "

Really ? How considerate? How tragic that he appears to have an allergy to housework ?

"we still havent even caught up with that yet!!" And whats with the 'we' as he clearly means 'you'.

And he needs to learn to write English properly too,

KatherineKavanagh · 17/07/2012 10:16

God, things like this make me glad I'm a single parent. What an idiot!

DuelingFanjo · 17/07/2012 10:27

I would find it very hard not to say something snidey about him not putting the washing in himself. Does he usually help out with laundry and stuff or is he being a complete arsehole??

Dprince · 17/07/2012 10:27

I think the hours you are planning maybe be difficult to fulfil. And if you do go bed around the same time she does (understandable) then he may have a point regarding that.
But generally he sounds like he is more worried he will have to pick up some (would say more, but doesn't sound like he does much) housework. Which he should be doing anyway.
If its your dream job your partner should want to do what he can to make sure you can do it. Sounds like he is more bothered about himself than you and using your child as an excuse.

Original poster

SherlockGnomes · 17/07/2012 10:33

WOW really did not expect that response. He is actually a very tidy person - when I met him his flat didn't even look lived in - so I know it is very hard for him to live with me (NOT a tidy person) and dd - I really do try and I think I keep it at a reasonable standard, its never spotless but it is clean and relatively tidy. He tends to get steadily more annoyed about it (but not enough to make you think he's going to blow) and then he goes utterly mental on a Saturday morning and shouts and throws furniture about and cleans it until its immaculate. When I met him I didn't cook at all (I was young) and now we share it so he's by no means idle.

He could have done the laundry yesterday, he did ring the gas and leccy suppliers and ring sky and fix a head board to our bed - so its not like he was sitting around in his pants but I had actually loaded the machine - all he needed to do was put in detergent and set it going! I don't know I do worry that I am as lazy as he says I am, other peoples houses do seem to be better than mine!

Whoever said that about him taking the shine off it is exactly right - I was so excited, I never thought I be able to do anything except be a secretary - but now I just have a sicky feeling in the pit opf my stomach that he's right and I won't be able to cope. And so worried now that I am neglecting my amazing dd to do this :(

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2012 10:33

Does he do his share around the house, taking care of DD? Or does he leave it all for you?

I think you should find any way possible of making this work, writing content like this could be your ticket to get out of admin and into a more fun and better paid job.

I agree that he sounds more concerned about the impact on him than on you.

fuzzpig · 17/07/2012 10:36

3 hours a day is not too ambitious IF you have a supportive partner. Not quite the same but I've been studying OU since DD was 3m, and even though DH was working FT he would use several of his home hours to look after DD (and DS when he arrived) while I went and studied in another room. That's part of his job as a parent.

He doesn't seem to have considered the possibility that he could maybe look after his own child

And don't even get me started on the washing issue. Twat.

dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2012 10:37

x-post

I'm sorry -- he throws furniture?? Seriously?

Does he think that's an appropriate thing to do around his wife and child?

If he wants the house cleaner, he can do it himself. Or hire a cleaner.

It's awful that this is a dream for you that he is crushing. You would NOT be neglecting your DD, not at all!!!

Good partners, if they have a problem with anything, sit and talk about it and try to work something out, they don't go mental and tear down their partner's dreams.

fuzzpig · 17/07/2012 10:38

No, you are not neglecting your DD! You can fit it in although the hardest part will be getting your DH on board.

This is your dream job. It's not even like you'll be spending hours a day out of the home! Do it.

pictish · 17/07/2012 10:41

If he expects to live a married life with a child in it, then his house is never going to look like no-one lives there, as it did when he was single.

If he's that bothered about living in a show home, then he has to put in the effort to make it so...and not by shouting and throwing things either!! That is disgraceful behaviour!

silverten · 17/07/2012 10:41

OK well here's another point of view on this:

I had planned to agree to some hours from home (3 a day) and if they couldn't get done I could do them in the evening.

So you were thinking of the 3hrs/day whilst you were looking after DD on your 'days off' (with extension into the evening if necessary)? If this is the case it sounds really quite ambitious to me.

Sent my DH a massively excited email and was told I was getting carried away with myself, that he felt I wasn't looking after dd properly by doing this

Can't really comment on this bit as haven't seen the wording. Might be fair enough, might be nasty. Can't say.

"If your gonna do this its gonna have to be on a night when she is in bed... Or on a Sunday when she is not there... and by the time she is in bed at the ' mo then your not far behind!

Fair comment I think if I was right about your plans to work during the day with DD. From what I remember of my DD being 10mo there was no way I could have done 'serious' work and after bath/bed/story there wasn't much evening left (I BF DD at night and therefore couldn't hand over to DH for this, this may be different for you though?). And you do need to do some relaxing yourself too!

I'm not having ago... or saying your not doing enough... but we have had a working washing machine for 3 weeks, and we still havent even caught up with that yet!

I actually think this is quite reasonable: he is being explicit that he isn't having a go, and he isn't saying the washing is all your job. He's just pointing out that despite the both of you trying, you haven't managed to get back on top of a routine job yet.

I dont want you to end up perma stressed, tired and worrried about deadlines!!!

Sounds like he's thought about what this might mean in terms of your happiness to me...he's said 'deadlines' as in 'paid work', not 'housework' as in skivvying.

SO really think about it and any questions"

Sounds like an indication that he's willing to discuss the practicalities, rather than just dismissing the whole idea out of hand.

I think if I were you I'd try and talk the detail through with him face to face. This is the time to say that if this is going to happen you will need him to pull together with you to get the dull stuff done, eg, by doing washing on a free day off. You want to take on another commitment, you both have a lot to do running your everyday lives, presumably you work P/T in order to spend a decent amount of time with your DD, so how can you both sort this out to suit you being able to take on more work? Can you do a rota for the both of you which will sort out exactly how and when the routine work of running a house gets done so that there is time for you to work another 6 hours without everything falling to bits? Can you suggest that OK, you both agree to designate Sunday as another of your official 'paid work' days, for example?

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 17/07/2012 10:42

OK, well, sounds like he does help out around the place in fairness and you know him best: do you think he has a macho attitude towards you and your ambition to climb the ladder a bit professionally? If he does, maybe you need to have it out with him. If he doesn't, but he's kind of panicking about how the house will be run, maybe this is something you need to talk through a bit. Could you get a cleaner with the extra money? Might seem a bit of a random suggestion, but I used to sometimes do a similar shouty, angry clean-up of a Saturday (despite having a darling DP who really does do his share and despite knowing that it's passive-agressive and a bit unfair) and having someone once a week for three hours to do the big jobs made a huge difference to how much we enjoy our weekends and evenings. Would this help DH to accept do you think? As for the three hours - will be a bit hard, but my DD (20mth) still naps 2 to 3 hrs a day, so I don't think it's impossible or anything, though it'llbe tiring.

PurplePidjin · 17/07/2012 10:43

he did ring the gas and leccy suppliers and ring sky and fix a head board to our bed that takes about an hour.

He calls you names, throws things when he doesn't get his own way, and thinks your sole purpose in life is servicing his every whim. Oh dear, op, i don't think laundry or grammar is really the problem here, is it!

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