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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is he? or am I getting carried away with myself (long sorry)

74 replies

SherlockGnomes · 17/07/2012 10:05

Would really like some perspective on this? I currently work in an admin role and as a complete fluke I've been offered some work for the company doing some content writing - which is pretty much my dream job. I would be paid per article but would have to guarantee a certain number of hours per week, I currently work three days a week and spend the other two looking after my 10mo dd. I had planned to agree to some hours from home (3 a day) and if they couldn't get done I could do them in the evening. Sent my DH a massively excited email and was told I was getting carried away with myself, that he felt I wasn't looking after dd properly by doing this - this is the rest of the email:

"If your gonna do this its gonna have to be on a night when she is in bed... Or on a Sunday when she is not there... and by the time she is in bed at the ' mo then your not far behind!

I'm not having ago... or saying your not doing enough... but we have had a working washing machine for 3 weeks, and we still havent even caught up with that yet!

I dont want you to end up perma stressed, tired and worrried about deadlines!!!

SO really think about it and any questions"

I feel a bit gutted - especially about the laundry bit, as he had a day off work yesterday with no DD so had ample time to get it done, but not sure if it's just being pig headed because I want this so much, thoughts much appreciated?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 17/07/2012 11:21

why wont HE "allow" your daughter to be looked after by anyone other than her grandparents? It isnt just his decision to make.

And why do you not have her on a Sunday?

JamNan · 17/07/2012 11:21

YANBU he is!
Have you considered a child-minder for a couple of hours during the day? Sounds like he's using the housework and your participation in it as a ploy to thwart you doing your dream job. Has he got issues with the fact that you might, in the future, surpass him professionally?

Don't give up on this wonderful opportunity - you write very well.

Rindercella · 17/07/2012 11:24

I think besides your H being an unsupportive idiot, there are many red flags in your subsequent posts Sherlock. You should not have to put up with him throwing furniture if the housework does not meet his exacting standards; your child is the responsibility of both of you - why does she have to be asleep before you can work? Why can't he look after his child? External childcare should be a mutual decision and not one dictated solely by him.

Well done you for getting your dream job. By no means at all is it a fluke: you got the job because your employers obviously know you can do it and that you will be great at it. Well done you - it's a massive achievement, especially when you have such a young baby and a total dick for a husband.

Please don't give up your dream because of such a stupid man.

Original poster

SherlockGnomes · 17/07/2012 11:25

squeaky DD spends Sunday night and Monday when I'm at work with MIL as she is an hour away and we start work at 8:30am so for her to have her she has to stay the night there as my Mum can't do anymore - and we know his policy on strangers!

OP posts:

IKilledIgglePiggle · 17/07/2012 11:28

Put your foot down, take the job and get a childminder for the three hours, oh and tell him to fuck off.

Gather all your laundry and drop it off with a washing service and start ringing around for a cheap cleaner......or leave the bastard.

squeakytoy · 17/07/2012 11:29

"and we know his policy on strangers!"

he needs to get a grip. what happens when she starts nursery or goes to school? everyone will be a "stranger" then..

Nancy66 · 17/07/2012 11:30

he just doesn't want you to be a success - that's pretty much what it's all about.

nilbyname · 17/07/2012 11:31

"strangers"?? WTF? Good quality childcare exists!

I think he does raise valid points in his email....but reading your responses to what others have said it does sound like he wants a ver traditional home life set up. Do you?

dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2012 11:33

OP the more you post, the more I am really disturbed by your situation. Your DH sounds very controlling. It's all about him right now, isn't it? how clean he wants the house to be, his policy on strangers ... what about what you want? Are you really supposed to give up your dream because your husband thinks it's still 1952?

Rindercella · 17/07/2012 11:38

Educating Rita springs to mind when I read your posts Sherlock. A stupid man trying to hold back his brighter wife. By the way, I am not judging your husband's intelligence on his written English, but on his emotional response on learning his wife has landed herself her dream job. Most partners would be thrilled - perhaps there would be concerns about how logistically it could work - but thrilled all the same that their partner had done so well. I do not see any sense of pride or congratulations in his email to you, just selfishness.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 17/07/2012 11:39

OP take the job. Please. He does raise valid points but they are all work-around-able.

I have a 9.5mo so i know what they're like, but I tend to do my work for an hour a morning when ds sleeps and hour in the afternoon when DS sleeps then I'll cram another hour in across the day when he's eating or something. And then catch up a bit more when DH is off.

And a childminder a couple of mornings a week will do your DD the world of good... and you :)

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 17/07/2012 11:40

And let's not slag off the DH's written English. We can all write formally when we need to, with proper grammar and spelling butb I know I use slang when texting my DH, no need to be formal with him.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 17/07/2012 11:40

but*

myfriendflicka · 17/07/2012 11:42

YANBU.

He sounds very controlling - that is more worrying than anything else.

I would get some childcare in the morning, and a cleaner once a week.

You sound a bit scared of him, which isn't good either (and not surprising seeing he throws furniture).

He is probably jealous of the standard of your written English, as someone said upthread.

He should be congratulating you, not raining on your parade, and you don't want a lifetime of that, you really don't.

coppertop · 17/07/2012 11:46

What's missing from his e-mail is what he is planning to do to help you overcome those problems.

A supportive partner would say:

"I don't want you getting stressed about fitting everything in, so maybe we could hire a cleaner/look for a childminder/re-distribute the housework so that you have more spare time."

not

"But what about meeeeeeeee! Who's going to do the washing? etc"

Original poster

SherlockGnomes · 17/07/2012 11:48

OK I feel somewhat of a twat now as I was so disheartened by today I sent him an email saying I wan't going to do it and he sent one back saying don't be daft of course I should do it. I have dropped my boss an email asking if it would be an option to do 2hrs a day not 3 as should be able to fit that in DD's nap so fingers crossed she says yes. pff wish I'd pulled my finger out and done this when I didn't have a DD (and poss a DH!) as I feel I can't do either properly atm

OP posts:

Lambzig · 17/07/2012 11:48

Working with a baby is sometimes do-able depending on when he or she sleeps. When DD was 6 months to 12 months, I used to do some freelance work (also desk based). I usually got it done when she had a lunchtime nap for two hours and sometimes did an hour when DH got home. After that and still now, I now work part time and work half a day at home and fit it around her naps and when DH gets home.

You do have to be focused and jealously guard that sleep time for working, but it can be done and you certainly have enough incentive if its your dream career. Stuff the dusting.

Original poster

SherlockGnomes · 17/07/2012 11:51

May change my user name to StuffTheDusting lambzig !

OP posts:

myfriendflicka · 17/07/2012 11:51

Small children are very tiring but you can do this - I did lots of freelance writing when my children were small.

You sound a bit low on confidence but it is worth revving yourself up for this if it is your dream job.

If your DH could be more supportive and stops being so anal about cleaning and childcare you will be fine.

Viviennemary · 17/07/2012 11:52

Your DH is getting a lot of criticism on this thread! Maybe he genuinely thinks you would be stressed doing this extra work and meeting deadlines. If he's wrong and being selfish that's different. Would it be feasible for your DD to go to a minder for an extra session or two while you get started on this new project. Ah just seen he won't allow your DD to be looked after by anybody but her grandparents. Yes I can see you are up against problems! He is being selfish and unreasonable. You are entitled to do this work if you wish to.

AThingInYourLife · 17/07/2012 11:53

"I have dropped my boss an email asking if it would be an option to do 2hrs a day not 3 as should be able to fit that in DD's nap"

You did what?

What kind of impression do you think that gives?

That you are only available for work you can do while your baby naps.

No, no, no!

If this is your "dream job", you'll need to make it a priority, not try and squish it into your existing life without any change.

Original poster

SherlockGnomes · 17/07/2012 11:55

I didn't say that about DD's nap - they know I have a young child - and I just said initially I would like to trial just the two hours until I've got a better feel for how it will work!

OP posts:

DumSpiroSpero · 17/07/2012 12:01

Have only read the first page so don't know if someone else has said this but I really think you need to have a proper conversation with your DH before getting irate with him.

What someone writes in quick email in the middle of their working day is more than likely to come across the wrong way so I don't think you can call it on that alone.

silverten · 17/07/2012 12:15

OK you need to ignore the little voice of doubt now. If you let yourself think you can't manage this then you're setting yourself up to fail.

Two hours sounds rather more possible, even without any compromise on the childcare issue. You might end up working til midnight but that is more doable, if not ideal. I do think a better solution would be to get childcare sorted so that your worktime is ringfenced, otherwise you run the risk of it being pigeonholed as a 'hobby' instead of the paid work it actually is.

So stop thinking of that email to your boss as backing down. It is a sensible counter-suggestion based on a brief contact with your DH as regards other family commitments. Obviously (so obviously that you and your boss, as professional people, don't need to say so) this will be up for review after a suitable period of time, and depending on how things are going you may be available for more work. However, because you are a professional, you don't commit to anything you can't see through.

Now look at the positives:

+It's a great opportunity that they offered you. That means you're obviously ace! Otherwise they wouldn't have offered, right?

+It might mean more, better paid, more fulfilling work. Always a good thing to aim for (if that sort of thing floats your boat). You are just as entitled to pursue this as your DH is. No debate needed, so don't even start trying to justify it to anyone else (DH included).

Therefore it is clearly worth spending some time rearranging your personal lives to make this happen. There will be some compromises being made. You will have less leisure time, DH will probably have to accept that the housework might slip (or accept that he has to do more; either is acceptable here), or that DD goes into childcare.

Either of you might feel a bit hard done by by this at some point, but hey- that's what being an adult is all about.

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