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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is he? or am I getting carried away with myself (long sorry)

74 replies

SherlockGnomes · 17/07/2012 10:05

Would really like some perspective on this? I currently work in an admin role and as a complete fluke I've been offered some work for the company doing some content writing - which is pretty much my dream job. I would be paid per article but would have to guarantee a certain number of hours per week, I currently work three days a week and spend the other two looking after my 10mo dd. I had planned to agree to some hours from home (3 a day) and if they couldn't get done I could do them in the evening. Sent my DH a massively excited email and was told I was getting carried away with myself, that he felt I wasn't looking after dd properly by doing this - this is the rest of the email:

"If your gonna do this its gonna have to be on a night when she is in bed... Or on a Sunday when she is not there... and by the time she is in bed at the ' mo then your not far behind!

I'm not having ago... or saying your not doing enough... but we have had a working washing machine for 3 weeks, and we still havent even caught up with that yet!

I dont want you to end up perma stressed, tired and worrried about deadlines!!!

SO really think about it and any questions"

I feel a bit gutted - especially about the laundry bit, as he had a day off work yesterday with no DD so had ample time to get it done, but not sure if it's just being pig headed because I want this so much, thoughts much appreciated?

OP posts:

Original poster

SherlockGnomes · 17/07/2012 10:45

You make reasonable points silverton and more the response I expected - the only thing I'd say is that the three hours on my day off would not be extended into evening time - as in it would never be more than three hours - it would only be if I hadn't achieved the three hours in the day. I don't know, I feel I may have rushed in a bit in my excitment :( bugger

OP posts:

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 17/07/2012 10:49

Actually, in my previous post, I wasn't really 'shouty' but more 'muttery" and banging around a bit, making angry comments about the place being a tip. Not very nice though and not proud of being so cross. I therefore don't hold this sort of thing against your DP as much as some other posters.

One other thing: I just wondered why you would load the machine, but leave it for your partner to put in the detergent and turn it on? I suppose it was because you thought he might want to add something and you told him so? Hope so, 'cos otherwise, this would be the sort of thing that would simply drive me mad!

flatpackhamster · 17/07/2012 10:50

I've read, and re-read, his email, he makes some very valid points and he's thinking about the practicalities.

I can't work out where the rage in the thread is coming from. I can only assume that the frothing posters haven't read the same words as me.

puffinnuffin · 17/07/2012 10:50

Go for it! Use the extra money to pay a cleaner. Try it and see- you will find a way round it and if it doesn't fit round your family it doesn't have to be forever.

silverten · 17/07/2012 10:51

Well, try not to feel too about it yet. From the little I know of it, the situation doesn't sound completely bonkers. I just think that what he's saying is 'we need to think carefully about how this can work so that you don't end feeling like a wrung-out dishrag who never sees her DD'. There's a massive difference between that and 'I think you're a crap mum who should be permanently polishing the skirting boards'.

Look at the positive. You have an opportunity that excites you. You seem to be in the position where you can take it up in a way that should fit into your life. All you need to do now is bash out the detail with DH and you're away!

LentillyFart · 17/07/2012 10:53

Sounds to me like he's pissed right on top of your picnic. That, along with the absurd expectations of tidyness and that hideous awful spelling - sorry - he'd be out on his bad tempered arse quicker than shit off a stick.

Lancelottie · 17/07/2012 10:54

I've been there and tried to do the three hours during the day with a small child. You end up resenting it when they wake from a nap, or leaping from your keyboard to prevent disaster.

Took me a couple of months to admit that I really needed childcare BUT I found a childminder happy to have him for three hours in the morning, take him along to baby groups, and return him knackered for the afternoon, whereupon he would sleep for a good extra hour. So I got at least 4 hours for the price of three, and both of us were pleased to see each other.

silverten · 17/07/2012 10:55

There you go. Lancelottie's solution is one way you could all be happy!

FrizzyFrazzled · 17/07/2012 10:59

I am a writer from home and I have two under three. I manage because dh is supportive and pulls his weight, despite also working full time. We have had struggles when we are both tired but we sorted them out. If washing needs to be done, whoever has time will do it. I am for you that this exciting opportunity has been spoiled! How horrible. Tell him to like it or lump it.

whackamole · 17/07/2012 11:00

I would say that although he has some valid points (NOT the washing one!) what his email should have said was:

Well done! I always knew you could do it.

I'm not sure your three hours a day thing will work, DD is only little she'll be disturbing you all the time. Let's look into a childminder or a babysitter or something, maybe a student who can come and sit with her for a few hours. Then at least you can get it done and not be stressed about deadlines!

And let's get a cleaner. I don't think either of us can be arsed with the daily cleaning and washing.

FrizzyFrazzled · 17/07/2012 11:01

And it IS do-able. You might get less sleep, but if you are excited about it, do it! Three hours a day - an hour during a nap, an hour or two in the evening and catch up on weekends.

pictish · 17/07/2012 11:03

I agree Whack

The email is totally unsupportive and designed to piss on OP's parade.
Where there is a will there is way...particularly when it comes to stuff like this.
OP's dh's underlying concerns are about how it's all going to affect him. If they weren't - the tone of his email would have been more encouraging and pleasant.

dreamingbohemian · 17/07/2012 11:04

I think putting the money toward a weekly cleaner is a good idea. It will give you more time throughout the week and prevent him from having his rages

Don't let his reaction get you down!! You should be really proud of yourself for being offered this opportunity. I'm sure you can find a way to make it work, go on and feel excited.

Original poster

SherlockGnomes · 17/07/2012 11:08

The problem is he won't let me leave DD with anyone other than our mum's and I really don't want to ask them to do any more. I will find a way but I think I will have to tell them 3hrs a day just isn't do able - its really good to hear from people doing the same so I can get some idea of how it would work

OP posts:

hairytale · 17/07/2012 11:09

"and then he goes utterly mental on a Saturday morning and shouts and throws furniture about"

Erm. Why are you putting up with physical violence in your home and around a young baby?

FrizzyFrazzled · 17/07/2012 11:10

Does your dd nap well? What time does she go down for the night? How much sleep can you survive on? It is honestly do-able, but you need dh on board really.

silverten · 17/07/2012 11:11

The email is totally unsupportive and designed to piss on OP's parade.

Or it could have been sent from someone busy at work, written in 'work mode', using 'work mode' type language..someone who, excited at hearing of a good opportunity that's come his wife's way, wanted to respond straightaway to get the ball rolling on the 'how can we do this' part of the problem.

I might be wrong about that. But so might all the posters who are saying 'what a housework-shy git!' based on reading the exact same words as me.

oldraver · 17/07/2012 11:11

I would be furious about the content of that email. My hissy fit reply would be

Yes I think you may have a point about the amount of extra work I would be taking on. So I have decided that looking after YOU will have to go.

mamas12 · 17/07/2012 11:12

He has pissed on your chips alright hasn't he.

Tell him that and see what his reaction is and say that you would like to discuss HOW to facilitate this arrangement because it will happen.
If it means getting a cleaner or a childminder/nursery whatever then it should come out of the joint account not this new extra wage ok.

Good luck I'm sure you'll get it sorted and he'll see what a prat he was in writing.

silverten · 17/07/2012 11:14

The problem is he won't let me leave DD with anyone other than our mum's

Ah now there I disagree with him. He's going to have to get over that PDQ, cos unless you're going to home school DD, she'll be off to be looked after by someone else in a few short years when she goes to school.

She needs to be able to cope with that when it happens. And what better way to ease her gently into the transition for school than starting gently with a nice childminder for a couple of afternoons a week? There are lots of good reasons why this is a good idea that have nothing to do with whether you want to go to work whilst she's in childcare.

AThingInYourLife · 17/07/2012 11:14

"The problem is he won't let me leave DD with anyone other than our mum's"

Have I got this straight?

HE won't let YOU use childcare?

Are you fucking kidding me?

He does NOT get to make that decision on your behalf!

Your time is your own. If you want to use paid childcare to cover the hours you want to work, he doesn't get to veto that.

He sounds very controlling.

And like he is threatened by this opportunity.

Floggingmolly · 17/07/2012 11:17

You land your dream job and he's worried how it'll impact on catching up on the washing? . What an absolute arse.

quoteunquote · 17/07/2012 11:18

OP, you need to change his attitude now before you have a life time of it,

Do your dream job, and anyone who loves you should be bending over backwards to help, if they are not, ask them to,

Washing can wait, opportunities don't wait for anyone.

If anything bothers him around the house, let him deal with it, your career should be as a big a priority to him as it is to you, why isn't it?

doublecakeplease · 17/07/2012 11:18

Congratulations on the offer! If your company are paying you extra could you get a cleaner? You may not come out financially better off but job satisfaction is worth lots!

BelieveInPink · 17/07/2012 11:21

Right, please tell me, WHERE in his email did it insinuate that the OP was meant to do all the cleaning? I took "we" to mean "we" not, the OP. How do any of you know how hands on he is by that OP alone, yet you all jumped straight on it.

The email doesn't seem that bad to me, but he should have put some positives in there. A well done, or a "look, this is an amazing opportunity but let's look at the logisitics". What he is saying (badly) is relevant and he has a point.

Why did you load the washer but not turn it on? Crazy baffled.

If things are quite stressful in the day now, and you both aren't getting things done, then he is NBU to suggest that doing more is going to make you stressed, tired and fractious. You really want to eat into your evenings? which should be for down time and relaxation, spending time with your partner after a stressful day.

The throwing the furniture. I really hope the OP means that not literally. I clean like a whirlwind, I don't actually throw stuff. Hope this is what that meant otherwise I will eat my own words above and call him an arseholio.

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