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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get dh to go to wedding by himself....

62 replies

mangomadness · 17/07/2012 08:34

.....and I'll join him for the reception?

It's his oldest friends wedding, to be held in 'the' church venue of the area, reception is at nice country hotel.

I'm breastfeeding, and dd will be just over 8 weeks old. She's very much into things, even being so young, tries to look.around 360 degrees etc! She's also VERY vocal, I love this but not too sure how it'll go down in a wedding service at posh church. I'm not too sure about how feeding her during service will go down. If I end up using a side room there'll be no point in me being there as I won't be in the service. The reception will be more relaxed I think, and be better for her ad she'll get more interaction than me feeling pressure to keep her quiet! However I'm not sure if I'll be allowed to take her to reception if children aren't welcome.

So would I be U to just take her to reception if possible. If children aren't welcome is it ok to take a baby? Would I be U to not go to wedding if I can't go to reception and dh goes by himself? My brother is on a week's leave from service in war zone, and if I'm completely honest I'd rather spend time with him and my family. I'm only asking because I got the upset look from dh.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 17/07/2012 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cuntflapwankbadger · 17/07/2012 08:37

Just don't go. If it's not child friendly and doesn't specifically say except for babies I'd take it the child isn't welcome. I don't agree with this btw and think you should be able to have baby in the church without catsbums

Pagwatch · 17/07/2012 08:38

DH has been to weddings alone when it has been primarily his friend and child issues have made it difficult for me to go.
Why is it a problem for him?

lisaro · 17/07/2012 08:39

If its no children then it's no baby, I'd assume. And can def see your point about the church. You're not BU at all. Hope your brother enjoys his break!

WipsGlitter · 17/07/2012 08:40

Have thy said no children? If they have then you can not go. If babies are ok to go, I'd go but skip the church bit.

Original poster

mangomadness · 17/07/2012 08:41

He wants people to meet our baby, I find it quite tiring still with people in large numbers. I think he forgets that she's still a tiny baby. It makes me feel guilty as I'm at home all day with her whilst he's at work, so makes me feel like I'm depriving him of spending time with her.

OP posts:

CherryBlossom27 · 17/07/2012 08:43

If you wanted to go to the wedding, then I'd get your DH to ask the bride & groom if they would be happy for you and the baby to come to the church service and reception. However, as you would rather spend time with your brother, just tell your DH and he will have to accept it. He can always use the breastfeeding/age of your baby as a reason for you not attending to the bride & groom and I expect they will undertstand.

ben5 · 17/07/2012 08:44

I would ask them. ds1 was 8 weeks old when I got married so he had to come. Everyone loved looking after him for the day!

Tigresswoods · 17/07/2012 08:47

Personally I would go. But I had no issues with feeding DS anywhere & everywhere. If your LO makes a noise during the service & you feel uncomfortable then step outside. Otherwise get a sling & enjoy the day showing her off.

Original poster

mangomadness · 17/07/2012 08:48

We specifically said that children were welcome at our wedding, they were included on the invites. The best thing was two sisters, 4 and 6 having a whale of a time on the dance floor!

She's my first baby so I'm still getting my head around social protocol!

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 17/07/2012 08:48

Are you very local? Could you pop down to the church to see the bride and groom come out, or to have a quick drink at the reception whilst photos are being taken?

In your position, I would probably not go though! If there is anyone DH specially wants you to see,maybe they could call in in you on the way to the wedding to say hi?

Killergerbil · 17/07/2012 08:58

Speak to the bride openly re the baby, often bf babies are fine, and if not if you can manage a genuine conversation about this is will save you feeling guilty for going or not going! She will probably be very grateful that you want to skip the service and so not have shouting !

ViviPru · 17/07/2012 09:11

We're specifically stating on your invites that due to capacity restrictions, we can only accommodate family children, but babes in arms are welcome at our wedding. Three close friends will be nursing so I'd like to leave the choice in their hands. If any of then declined the ceremony due to similar concerns as the OP I'd totally understand. It would be nice if they would still attend the reception though.

I'd be quite disappointed if any of them declined altogether, but we've made it clear it's a relaxed, informal wedding where they would feel comfortable BFing.

(I just want to add, none of the guests with babes in arms have other children who are not invited - luckily we don't have that potential issue!)

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/07/2012 09:19

You need to speak to the couple to find out if your baby will be welcome. If they say she is, I think you should go. It's nice to be invited to weddings and it's nice to be there for your dh.

I think it might actually come across as a bit rude if you only go for the reception, it's kind of like you can't be bothers with the ceremony (the important bit) but you are happy to turn up for the free meal. I know it's not like that, but it could come across that way. I would have been a bit miffed if someone who I'd said was welcome to bring their baby couldn't be botherd to even try to make the ceremony. For all you know at the moment, your baby will sleep all the way through it.

If not, then yes, you will miss the ceremony if she needs feeding or is being loud, but at least you ar showing willing.

If your brother is home for a week, I'm sure you could see him on the other days.

schoolchauffeur · 17/07/2012 09:25

I went to a wedding when DS was 3 months and I was still feeding. It was a no kids do except babies. Got to the church and DS was fine but started bawling the minute the organ started up so I ended up moving right to the back and fed him- bride smiled and waved when she came in! He calmed down and I walked back to nearer the front during one of the hymns and when bride and groom came down the aisle ( they hadn't seen DS as we were living overseas so I flew in for wedding) they stopped to look at him ( it was a scottish wedding so i had him in little tartan waistcoat outfit!). It was lovely- but I had initially said I might just hang around outside church as I was worried about noise and bride just said not to be silly- so talk to the bride!

Original poster

mangomadness · 17/07/2012 09:26

They're not my friends so it's up to dh to ask them. I wouldn't stay for the meal anyway, just more of a showing my face kind of thing. I suppose it all depends upon wether or not she's welcome really.

OP posts:

maybenow · 17/07/2012 09:29

your dh is really going to want his oldest friends to meet his baby (and wife), assuming that people will be travelling for the wedding who you don't often get to see.
if i were you i'd do a short shift - early reception for a couple of hours - and let dh do the full day... but of course you need to ask what the policy is about babies before you make a decision.

Sallyingforth · 17/07/2012 09:34

I think it would be not only reasonable but sensible to miss the church and take your baby to the reception. DH is right to show off his dc but at the church all attention will be on the couple.

Dozer · 17/07/2012 09:35

If the invite says no children that usually means no babies too, couples do realise this means some nursing mums can't go, if they haven't already said babes in arms are welcome then they're probably not, and your DH shouldn't ask.

Your DH would be unreasonable to push about the baby going and show her off at the wedding, IME one of the reasons some people specify no DC is to avoid this! (and crying during vows etc).

Dozer · 17/07/2012 09:37

Showing off tiny DC at child-free weddings is a no-no.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/07/2012 09:50

Have you RSVPd at all yet?

Original poster

mangomadness · 17/07/2012 09:58

The invites came out before we were pregnant and we replied then. They live about 10 mins away and have already met her. I'll get dh to talk to groom/best man today about it.

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/07/2012 10:04

Good idea to talk to them ASAP, especially if you are saying you don't want to stay for the meal. You don't want then to have to pay for a meal you aren't planning to have.

Tbh, if you aren't having the meal, it would be rude to just turn up to show off your baby.

Dozer · 17/07/2012 10:09

If the invite said no DC and didn't mention small babies then it is rude even to ask the groom IMO, puts the couple in a v awkward situation, I know several couples who had babies at their weddings when they'd rather not have because they were put on the spot like that.

The polite thing would be to send a message or email that regrettably Dh will attend alone, since you are feeding DD frequently and can't leave her. They can then, if they wish, say she can come along, but less pressure on them.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/07/2012 10:14

Does the invite say no children though? Find it a bit weird that you haven't already discussed it with them.

BFing in church is fine though, I've always been made to feel very comfortable about doing it. One priest pointed out that it is how Jesus was fed so he would hardly have a problem, which I thought was a good point :)

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