Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get dh to go to wedding by himself....

62 replies

mangomadness · 17/07/2012 08:34

.....and I'll join him for the reception?

It's his oldest friends wedding, to be held in 'the' church venue of the area, reception is at nice country hotel.

I'm breastfeeding, and dd will be just over 8 weeks old. She's very much into things, even being so young, tries to look.around 360 degrees etc! She's also VERY vocal, I love this but not too sure how it'll go down in a wedding service at posh church. I'm not too sure about how feeding her during service will go down. If I end up using a side room there'll be no point in me being there as I won't be in the service. The reception will be more relaxed I think, and be better for her ad she'll get more interaction than me feeling pressure to keep her quiet! However I'm not sure if I'll be allowed to take her to reception if children aren't welcome.

So would I be U to just take her to reception if possible. If children aren't welcome is it ok to take a baby? Would I be U to not go to wedding if I can't go to reception and dh goes by himself? My brother is on a week's leave from service in war zone, and if I'm completely honest I'd rather spend time with him and my family. I'm only asking because I got the upset look from dh.

OP posts:
RuthlessBaggage · 17/07/2012 10:16

the polite thing would be to send a message or email that regrettably Dh will attend alone, since you are feeding DD frequently and can't leave her. They can then, if they wish, say she can come along, but less pressure on them.

Yes, this. I have been in this position twice. First time they said what nonsense, bring him. Second time they said ooh squee babies, actually you'll notice the bride is 5m pg herself...

Depends how bridezilla-ish the bride is. I would have been gutted if a baby had made noise during my vair vair elegant wedding ceremony.

cuntflapwankbadger · 17/07/2012 10:18

ruthless my DN sharted loudly during mine Grin

RuthlessBaggage · 17/07/2012 10:19

!

nymeria · 17/07/2012 10:29

No children means no children IMO, I doubt a 'very vocal' baby would be at all welcome if they've said that.

If they haven't specified then I think it's fine to ask. Also you have every right to politely decline (or only come to part of the day) if you would find it tiring/difficult, or have other family committments that week. I'm sure the couple would not be offended given that you have such a small baby.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/07/2012 10:29

Ruthless would it really have bothered you?
I had my small niece wriggling trying to get a better view, and a two week old who squeaked a bit throughout - it was lovely!

RuthlessBaggage · 17/07/2012 10:34

Yes it would genuinely have bothered me. I know that's a failing in me, but yes it would.

Control freak bridezilla.

nymeria · 17/07/2012 10:38

It would have bothered me too. I was about the least bridezilla-ish bride you can imagine about most things, but was very firm on not wanting children there. I would have been pretty unimpressed at having someone else's kid 'squeaking' or being 'vocal' during our ceremony, especially when they weren't even invited!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/07/2012 10:39

Its not control freak bridezilla to not want babies crying while you take your wedding vows! Not at all! I was a laid back bride and happy to go with the flow with the child guests at our wedding, they were well provided for.

Surely when you are making vows that important, it's not unreasonable to want to be able to hear each other, and to want the people you have invited to watch to be able to hear too?

People who let their babies make noise during someone's wedding vows are rude and selfish.

susitwoshoes · 17/07/2012 10:43

I would perhaps ask the best man if he can sound them out re babies. I can see that you wouldn't want to put the couple in an awkward position, but I know that pre DD I wouldn't have had a clue about nursing babies, or really the difference between a babe-in-arms and a potentially rampaging 5 year old, and they may not either, and be mortified if they realised your difficulties.

I suppose that the bride and groom have to hope that guests with babies will know to take them out if they're making a noise and not all parents will - Alibabaandthe40nappies - you say your baby squeaking was lovely, but did everyone else including the couple think so? That's the point.

EverybodysDoeEyed · 17/07/2012 10:48

Yo need to ask

It is one thing to go to the reception and people coo over the baby

It is another to go with the sole intention of showing the baby off. That is not the purpose of the wedding!

Original poster
mangomadness · 17/07/2012 10:53

So basically it's not U for me not to go? Or if children are welcome just to go to the early afternoon part of the reception? Will obviously let couple know. It's dh pushing for baby to come, I'd much rather relax and see my brother before he flies back. My brother's got a commitment of his own to do before he goes back, his best friend was blown up (miraculously survived) and he wants to visit him in hospital, will probably be a bit messed up after seeing him. I wish he didn't have to go back, any time with him is precious but that's beside the point.

OP posts:
Original poster
mangomadness · 17/07/2012 10:56

I don't want to show her off! It's dh bring a proud father, I obviously didn't word it very well, have only had 6 hours sleep in the last few days so am a bit scatterbrained at the moment! He just wants to take her everywhere.

OP posts:
parachutesarefab · 17/07/2012 11:55

It sounds as if you're hoping children aren't allowed, as that gives you a reason (excuse?) not to go - as you said, you'd rather see your brother.

You need to find out whether your DD is welcome at the wedding and reception. Your DH seems to think she is, but do check. If she isn't, then YANBU, and can spend time with your brother instead.

If she is, ask yourself what you'd do if your brother wasn't visiting, or if you didn't have DD.

If your brother wasn't home, would you go to the whole wedding, knowing that it would be tiring, but knowing that small babies sleep a lot, that you or DH can take her out of the service if necessary, and there'll be people around happy to hold her for a bit, or push her around in a pushchair? Or would you miss the wedding? Is it that you don't want to go to the wedding?
If you didn't have DD, would you go to the wedding and reception, or would it be a case of "I can only see my brother for a few hours, unfortunately on the same day your wedding; I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to miss wedding / reception"?

(Probably clear from that, but I think you should go to the wedding and reception, and arrange to spend time with your brother during the rest of the week - there will be other demands on his time, but he should have a bit of flexibility for his sister and new niece.)

If it was my wedding I'd be a bit miffed if someone chose to miss the actual wedding, and just come for the party afterwards.

You don't say when the wedding is - a few weeks now, a some more sleep (can you sleep during the day?) can make things a lot easier. It is a huge shock, and adjustment with your first DC.

ViviPru · 17/07/2012 13:16

What Parachutes said.

Particularly since you've already RSVPd. The long and short of it is that I don't think you want to go. Which is absolutely fine, as a bride I'd much rather have a polite call in good time before my wedding from someone explaining why they won't be able to make it now, (and I think new baby and family demands on you are perfectly acceptable reasons) than have you there under duress. Kerching - an extra £75 to spend on shoes.

You're not worried about appearing U to the couple though are you - its more about how can you get your DH to be cool about you not going... Why can't you just tell him straight?

Mayisout · 17/07/2012 13:45

Perhaps DH is v keen to show off DD to friends and relatives at wedding.

Could you go for just part of the day as you ' need to get DD home for bedtime' or whatever.

Fecklessdizzy · 17/07/2012 14:17

I went to three weddings when the DS' were tiny and they were all grim ...

Sitting on a grave feeding DS1 to keep him quiet through the ceremony and being glared at by vergers, spending the reception in the ladies as he howled his head off everytime I went back into the venue, feeding him in the loo at a posh hotel as the people on the next table objected and were Very Important Aunties Who Must Be Humoured At All Costs and probably the worst one where DP was best man and so not around to help where we sat at the back with DS2 plugged in and slurping loudly and me drawing trains and enteledonts all over the order of service to keep DS1 from running riot ...

Fake flu and don't go!

Downandoutnumbered · 17/07/2012 21:03

Don't go. Your DH isn't really thinking about this from anyone's point of view but his own: the couple have said no children, and you'd rather spend time with your brother, but he's just focused on showing off his DD, which is sweet but rather missing the point.

I wouldn't have gone to a wedding when DS was tiny unless I was certain the couple really wanted me there and would be hurt if I didn't come - in a case like this I'd say no without a second thought.

holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 22:16

Ask the couple if your baby is allowed. If she is then fine, go and BF an church (many do) and enjoy reception. Take baby out if too noisy. If your baby isn't allowed, don't go at all.

holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 22:17

I've fed in church, museums and various other nice places before and never had a problem. I've never met anyone judgemental about it

StuntGirl · 18/07/2012 01:08

I think it seems impractical for you to go tbh. Newborn baby and brief visit fron actively serving bro trump a wedding imo. If I were the couple (or your husband!) I'd understand. I might be disappointed, but I'd understand.

goodasgold · 18/07/2012 02:01

I would only go if my db was invited too. If not I would let dh take dd and have a great day with db.

FrillyMilly · 18/07/2012 03:29

If you don't want to go then don't go. If you do want to go then get DH to explain to the bride and groom that you can't make it because you are breastfeeding. They will either say bring baby along or oh what a shame. As pp mentioned if you ask outright they may feel forced to say yes.

I have a similar problem. We are invited to an evening do of a couple who are marrying abroad. Invite doesn't mention children but DH has been told by groom no children. I have a 3 year old who will happily stay with family. I also have a 6 month old limpet who is very fussy about who he goes to. Last time (only time) we went out he cried for two hours before falling asleep. I don't think I will be able to go.

Thumbwitch · 18/07/2012 03:38

In the end, you have to do what is best for you and your baby. If that means not going to a no-children wedding but your DH going without you, then that's what you do. Your DH is being a bit PFB about it himself - I'm sure he's very proud of his baby DD but he has to learn to be practical about it - she's not a designer handbag, FGS!

If he's that desperate for you and the baby to go, then he has to ask his friends how best to make it work - and if they say it won't, then you and DD go to see your brother and leave DH to go to the wedding alone.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/07/2012 07:56

I also get the feeling you don't want to go - the wedding is local so if you really wanted to you could leave your baby with your brother and go tothe service and then take baby to reception - if allowed

You really need to talk to the bride and groom to see if they are havin children there and then base your decision on that

talkingnonsense · 18/07/2012 08:37

Actually, if they are ok with the baby at the service I think you should go. When you have a partner its horrid to go to a wedding alone- they ate about family! By all means don't stay late at the reception as you and babe will be knackered. Get your bro to see his friend that day, and then you won't feel you are missing out on his time at home. But I would feel really bad for your dh if you don't go at all.