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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ridiculously pissed off that my dh waits until

70 replies

LilBlondePessimist · 17/07/2012 07:31

the day before, or sometimes the day of my birthday, with one hour left till the shops close, then rushes round and grabs the first things he sees for me?

It's just that I always start a few weeks before his (and the dcs) birthday, and always make a list of carefully thought out presents, that will really be for him, and not just whatever I could grab at the last minute.

I'm not complaining about amount, monetary value etc, just would like a bit of thought. And I know they're not all that well thought out, because I wouldn't get half of them for myself. :(

So am I being U to be pissed?

OP posts:
puds11 · 17/07/2012 07:33

Men suck. My Ex once made me walk into town on my birthday to go buy my present because he hadnt been fucking arsed.
YANBU

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/07/2012 07:36

YANBU

poppy283 · 17/07/2012 07:37

Yanbu, dp does this. Last birthday I had to organise my own present (spa treatment). He just gave me the cash to pay for it on the day (a month after my birthday) It really upset me as it gets worse each birthday/christmas.

I didn't hide how upset I was this time so we'll see what happens at Christmas.

Does your dh know it upsets you op?

Original poster
LilBlondePessimist · 17/07/2012 07:38

Part of the reason he's an X puds?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 17/07/2012 07:38

Leave the bastard. Grin

Or alternatively, it's only a daft prezzie. People get too vexed about such things IMHO. What are you, seven?

Original poster
LilBlondePessimist · 17/07/2012 07:40

I think he can probably guess I'm upset by it poppy, but the ridiculous thing is I don't like to complain because I worry I'll just appear so ungrateful.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 17/07/2012 07:42

at least you get a present! We have been pretty hard up for a few years now, the presents have stopped, so something at the last minute would be just lovely thanks.

ZillionChocolate · 17/07/2012 07:42

Next year remind him a month before, see if he's any better. Has he always been crap? What about when you'd first met? I quite often supervise my dad buying presents for my mum, otherwise she'll get something from Halfords.

Original poster
LilBlondePessimist · 17/07/2012 07:44

But that's just it - it's not just 'a prezzie', but a reflection of how much thought he puts into doing something for me I suppose.

And no actually, I'm nine. Ten on my birthday. Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
LilBlondePessimist · 17/07/2012 07:46

lucyellensmum, I'm sorry to hear that, but that would be along the same lines of what's upsetting me. Even if we had no money I would bake him a cake, make a card or something similar. Does yours do this, because I just don't think know fine well mines would.

OP posts:
icepole · 17/07/2012 07:47

Yanbu my dh often does the same. Sometimes I get nothing. It was our ten year anniversary recently, we are skint so I spent ages making up an album of pictures of our time together - special occasions, holidays and the kids. He works away during the week so I thought it would be a nice thing to have, he loved it. He got me nothing. I was very hurt and still am because it said to me that I just don't matter.

LindyHemming · 17/07/2012 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icepole · 17/07/2012 07:49

And as you said it isn't about money it is about thought. He could write a letter or something, anything, just to show that he has thought about me.

Moln · 17/07/2012 07:52

It's the thought that counts, so when there's no thought there's not a lot to count is there.

On my birthday I used to get "You'll get your card later, haven't got it yet" every year. It's not like it was a suprise either as I helpfully keep it on the same date.

I did mention this to hinpm and he informed me that it was still my birthday later. But considering we tend not to do much more than mark the day with a happy birthday and a card the thought was a bigpart of it.

YANBU.

I stopped putting thought into his. He didn't like it. Double standards!

LindyHemming · 17/07/2012 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ · 17/07/2012 07:55

Sit him down a few weeks before your birthday, not after the event, so as not to appear ungrateful and tell him you would appreciate thought and effort before your birthday!!

Lucyellensmum99 · 17/07/2012 07:56

No he wouldn't OP, because he's a bit crap at thinking - He used to buy me stupidly expensive presents that we couldnt afford, because they were easy i suppose, but a bar of green and blacks chocolate would be enough for me really. I'd rather that than an ill thought out expensive present. My DP, you see, poor sod can't win!

LindyHemming · 17/07/2012 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeezyPeeps · 17/07/2012 08:00

I too don't get the big deal about birthdays. Of course I make an effort for my kids, but my 40th birthday went without them even noticing. The only birthday wishes I got were from my mum - and if she hadn't noticed it wouldn't have worried me either!

If its important to you, then let him know. If there is something specific you'd like - tell him. Or order it and get it delivered to him. You obviously approach these things differently, and neither of you are wrong, really. Just different. So you need to make sure you get the birthday you want, as it's unlikely he'll change.

alana39 · 17/07/2012 08:04

Tell him a few days before - sounds like a month's notice might be too much.

And try not to see it as him not caring - some people just don't see presents as that important.

I am one of them - it's lovely to get a well thought out present that you actually want / like but not essential as proof of love.

I've always thought my Mum's view was the best one - it's not about the flowers or presents on birthdays / anniversaries / mothers' day, but about how you are treated the other 364 days of the year.

50ShadesOfGreggs · 17/07/2012 08:38

I stopped hoping a long time ago for a well thought out present from DH. And I made my peace with the fact that it is just not one if his skills.

I now tell him very clearly, several times, and well ahead of time, "DH, this year for Christmas/my birthday I would like ..."

And if I say I don't want anything he knows I mean it and it isn't some weird "woman-speak".

It took us years of upset to get there, it is just about tweaking your expectations I guess :)

Original poster
LilBlondePessimist · 17/07/2012 08:41

Thanks all for your opinions. I suppose I probably do take it personally. I feel a bit like Emma Thompson's character in love actually when she opens the cd, as he always talks about my birthday beforehand and sometimes mentions nice things that I 'could' get. Then just never gets them! Grin (Although I hasten to add that thankfully he's not getting them for someone else!). So it's not that he forgets - just when it boils down to it, can't really be arsed! I think I'll just need to forget it, as if I did mention it, he'd get defensive and say I was nagging and an ungrateful bitch

OP posts:
Herrena · 17/07/2012 08:44

If you have clearly told your DH that birthdays are important to you, that you would like a thoughtful gift, that a 'list of the following' counts as thoughtful and he's STILL doing this, then YANBU.

If you haven't done any of the above and have instead hoped he'll work it out by telepathy/post-event sulking, then YABU.

My DH is told exactly what is expected of him on such occasions, so he can't claim ignorance. We train our partners and they train us :)

Pagwatch · 17/07/2012 08:46

I do get a bit irritated by the 'men are crap at presents' line.

They aren't all crap. Dh is fantastic and it is always the thought and the planning that leaves me feeling so touched - that he takes time to try and find the right thing.

I have got my ds involved in buying presents since they were tiny. Ds1 is bloody brilliant, because it is a skill which require empathy and generosity, and those are things value and want my dc to possess.

I absoloutely get that for some people it doesn't matter, they don't value gift giving and that is absolutely fine.

But if you chose gifts with love and care and then your partner can't be arsed I think that is sad. And saying 'men don't get it' is just like the 'men can't do housework' shit. It is insulting to men and it infantalises them.

Of course they can do it. But they need to know it matters to you and how you feel when they don't bother. If, once they realise that it upsets you, they continue not to bother, I think that is a bit grim tbh.

cuntflapwankbadger · 17/07/2012 08:50

YANBU. My DH did the same. I frequently bring up the fact I got given teabags for my birthday, and had to make my own dinner (his was a month before and I got him thoughtful presents and took him out for tea, plus I ALWAYS cook). At the time I let him know EXACTLY how upset I was. It made it even worse recently when one of his friends got his wife a trip to NY for her birthday - he'd obviously put thought into that well before the day of/day before her birthday.

I found it really hurtful that he'd clearly been to tesco the day before and couldn't even be bothered to offer cooking, let alone take me out for tea.

I don't have children, so my birthday and life is still more important to me Wink

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