To be ridiculously pissed off that my dh waits until

[LilBlondePessimist]

the day before, or sometimes the day of my birthday, with one hour left till the shops close, then rushes round and grabs the first things he sees for me?

It's just that I always start a few weeks before his (and the dcs) birthday, and always make a list of carefully thought out presents, that will really be for him, and not just whatever I could grab at the last minute.

I'm not complaining about amount, monetary value etc, just would like a bit of thought. And I know they're not all that well thought out, because I wouldn't get half of them for myself. :(

So am I being U to be pissed?

OP, I think YANBU here because you've said that he talks about your birthday and mentions things you 'could' get, but then just doesn't bother! That is crap. When he does this, have you tried saying 'Yes, but you won't actually bother to go out and buy this stuff, will you?' It sounds as though he almost thinks he should get 'points' for the idea 'Well, I thought about what would be a nice present for you...'

Elephants yes, exactly. My DH is not bothered about cards but he knows I am so he takes care to get one I will like. He also enjoys getting me presents he knows I will like. Isn't it nice to do nice things for your loved ones? And as Pagwatch says, don't see why people can't manage decent behaviour the rest of the year and a card/gift. It's not brain surgery, is it?

I would give up buying him anything for his birthday, OP. If you have made your expectations clear and he's not responding, then what else you do is up to you but I wouldn't continue to make an effort for someone who wasn't bothered about making the effort for me - and I would tell him that when the day came.

I seem to write this on a lot of threads, but you two need to sit down and work out what your love languages are. THeory is: you show affection in the way you like to be shown affection, but what you liike isn't necessarily what the other person likes. Touch, presents, acts of service (I think your birthday present comes under this because you are upset by the lack of thought), words and time spent together. Here is the link to the test. We did this on our premarriage course and I thoughly recommend it.

You are not alone. I now put entries in dh's work diary (he works for himself so at least no one else reads it) for the 3 weeks leading up to our anniversary and my birthday as he forgets otherwise (notes such as order flowers now seem to work well). Lots of unsubtle hints seem to work too.

YANBU. Pag put it perfectly.

This year we were on holiday at the time of DH's birthday, so I planned it months in advance. I packed cake ingredients and tin in the suitcase so I could bake him a birthday cake, I bought him cards from me and DS (3yrs), and wrapped his presents before we went so everything was ready. I made him a special breakfast, and asked him what he wanted to do that day. We had a lovely time, and went out for a nice meal in the evening.

My birthday is 3 weeks after his. We were home by then, and he bought me a card from the co-op the evening before, that he apologised for when he gave me it as he said it was the only one they had. There was nothing else, no breakfast, no lie in, nothing. At about midday he disappeared into town for 4 hours to get me a present, so I spent most of the afternoon alone (DS napping). He came home with a nice present for me, and a brand new expensive mobile phone for himself. My present was lovely, but I was upset that he'd left it til the day to buy it, so I was on my own at home feeling very unappreciated, and he did nothing else to make me feel special. I went to so much effort for him because I love him. I don't really care whether I get a present (although I do like getting presents!), it's more the fact he left it til the day, when he could have gone the weekend before instead of playing computer games.

Oh and then of course he spent the evening playing on his new phone and ignoring me!

There's a reason for the saying "it's the thought that counts" isn't there?

There's no bloody thought when they leave it to the last minute and that's what hurts isn't it, not the £xx.

Euphimia - if your partner knows it matters to you, which he does, then it hurts when they do nothing. He is not a fan of celebrations although is always happy when I do something for him. If you know that not doing something will hurt someone then why would you not make the effort?

Birthdays are a chance, once in a year, to just spoil someone and show them that you care about them. If that isn't your thing, fine, but at the very least I would get any member of my family and definitely DP a card.

Actually DP and I put a lot of thought into each other's presents. This year I got him a weekend break somewhere I knew he'd really like to go and he is getting me a 'mystery day out' and some new sports kit which he knows I've wanted. Even if we couldn't afford that stuff, I know he would always make an effort.

This doesn't mean he beats me the other 364 days, btw! though according to him he often feels like it

Loving the assumption that because someone isn't bothered about gift 'receiving' they aren't bothered about gift 'giving'. Two different things. Isn't there a saying about it?

I don't think that is an assumption jeezy.

I think people were trying to think of why someone who doesn't give their partner gifts may make that choice.
The logic was that they don't value gifts so don't realise their partner minds. It was just a suggestion.

I don't think anyone has said that everyone who isn't bothered about receiving also won't care about giving.

You are right pagwatch, having gone back and reread the thread I can see where I misunderstood what was meant.

You are welcome. It is better to give than to receive.

So just out of interest - what do you do with a partner who isn't as generous as you?

I always used to buy my husband thoughtful presents (not just at major times but throughout the year), but he never did me. We went several years when I never got a dicky bird. Not that I'm counting but he buys presents for his family etc so I did start to notice! He claimed that being a 'typical man' () meant he just didn't think of things the way I do. So to give him a taste of his own medicine I stopped buying him presents too. Now nobody gives presents and if I broach the subject with him he just says 'but you don't buy me anything either'. How do you turn a selfish sod into someone who thinks about you?

My OH used to do this too, I started getting vocal about "if you don't want to get me a present then say so, stop making excuses about it" he found this a tad embarrassing around his family and friends and started making an effort. Also, I stopped reminding him of his families birthdays. I think he thought that birthdays were no longer his job, including mine but now he knows that if he wants his mum to get a present he has to do something to make it happen, and the same goes for any other person whose birthday he wishes to be seen to acknowledge.

If your dh has spent fuck all time thinking about a gift to give you, or worse bought something he knows you don't like/won't use, then it is a bit grim if you've told him.
Once he knows you'd like some thought to go into your present.
Once he knows what you like and don't like.
Once he knows your interests, hobbies, leisure activities.
Once he knows all this and still doesn't bother then it becomes a problem.
It's not about the gift - it's about feeling that you matter to your dh and that he thinks about how to make your birthday happy.

If he can't be arsed, then it's a metaphor for his feelings. That's the issue, not the fact that he hasn't bought a box of chocolates.

The thing is that you might think you are good at giving gifts, but are you really ? . Despite my comments earlier I quite enjoy choosing things that I think people will like but I am never quite sure that I've got it right because generally people will thank you whatever you give them. Equally I am sure that friends and family who give me presents probably do put a lot of thought and money into it, but quite honestly they very, very rarely get it right ............. so therefore I probably haven't got it right either .

I took ages researching a book recently in a subject that my DH was interested in, he did thank me politely but I can see that it has never been opened !

That's why I have now gone off the whole gift giving thing !!

PS: Equally my DH knows I love reading so he generously suggested buying me a kindle for my birthday, but as I am really freaked out by anything technical that would have been the worse possible choice for me (fortunately he asked first !!).

off topic Ragwort don't be afraid of the Kindle. I am totally non technical, but utterly in love with mine.

Wow, didn't expect so many people to have an opinion on the matter. Would seem to be a lot of dhs out there who just don't cut the mustard when it comes to present giving. I've realised that I probably need to communicate more as I'm not great at saying exactly what my problem is as I don't want to seem spoiled. But he can't know of I don't tell him properly!! :)