To be ridiculously pissed off that my dh waits until

[LilBlondePessimist]

the day before, or sometimes the day of my birthday, with one hour left till the shops close, then rushes round and grabs the first things he sees for me?

It's just that I always start a few weeks before his (and the dcs) birthday, and always make a list of carefully thought out presents, that will really be for him, and not just whatever I could grab at the last minute.

I'm not complaining about amount, monetary value etc, just would like a bit of thought. And I know they're not all that well thought out, because I wouldn't get half of them for myself. :(

So am I being U to be pissed?

I remember one as usual awful birthday, when then dp rushed in to town and accosted the woman as she was just about to close the local clinton cards.

He ran in and bought the biggest stuffed rabbit you have ever seen it was 4ft high and same again across with ears nearly 3 foot long. It cost £100 and when he came out he charmed the traffic warden who was about to ticket him, into giving him a hand to stuff it in the passenger seat.

It was huge and pointless and sat in the corner, and yes bought at the last minute on the day. Normally it was a mug and a bottle of anais anais which he knew i hated with a passion, but bought me it 3 yrs on the trot.
Then would invite people I couldnt stand who worked for us, out for a meal.

But on one occassion when it was our managers birthday, he got a 4 day trip to New York, staying in times square with the secretary who was his gf, but who was also shagging my then dp of time, behind his back, all payed for by me.

I alsdo don't understand why anyone over 21 is fussed about presents, totally agree with Euphemia, if I want something specific I buy it; I have no idea of the sort of wierd fishing gadgets that my DH likes for his birthday and wouldn't dream of going to a fishing shop so I can quite understand that he doesn't 'get' my taste in presents - even after 25 years of marriage .

In my opinion very, very few people get present giving really right, I would far rather that someone was kind to me that went out and spent £x.

Last year I was due to have a baby on December 27th, so spent ages making sure everything was organised for christmas well in advance.

When I went into labour on 23rd December and didn't give birth until after the shops closed on the 24th it turned out DH hadn't bought me a present because he was going to do it on Christmas Eve.

Good job I had a cute baby to distract me.

How is it helpful to the OP to tell her that she just shouldn't care about presents anymore? She clearly does, so the next step is to work out how best to communicate that to her DH.

I really do understand the 'not fussed about presents' thing. But I guess I am lucky because my sought out, lovingly chosen gift is rarely going to hurt the recipient. Whereas the 'fuck it, it's just a birthday' seem to be unintentionally hurting their partners.

It does seem to be really hard for those who don't like presents to empathise that others hold different views - what with all the childish comments - but perhaps that is an understandable divide.

Those who appreciate gifts seem also to love giving them and see it as important.
Those who don't seem to genuinely lack the ability to recognise that this gesture may actually be important to others so dismiss and ridicule it.

I guess it is unsurprising that it causes problems.

I do find the idea that the choice is either a birthday gift or day to day kindness and affection quite stark. Shockingly some people manage both.

I am bloody lovely day to day and I give brilliant presents

puppy "people get to vexed" what are you? 12

Pag is right - totally rude and dismissive to assume other people aren't fussed about presents just because you aren't.

My husband is the same. Valentines, anniversary, birthday. A day in the year a little thought could be shown, but zero ever is.
It drives me insane to the point of rage.

YANBU, it's the same for me.

We just had our wedding anniversary, a few weeks before DH asked me to do a John Lewis wish list. I had high hopes.

I got a bunch of lilys. I hate lilys, he knows this.

He told me he doesn't want to do anniversary gifts and feels its the wrong way to celebrate, and that he'd much rather treat me to a meal out. That he didn't arrange. Or pay for

It's funny, I didn't see him rushing to return the £300 I gave him...

the £300 gift

I think this thread is teaching me that some people care about presents and some genuinely don't BUT That isn't necessarily a
Gendered split.

My DH doesn't find presents important but I have explained to him that I do - he makes an effort and apologises on occasions where he hasn't found something. I think it's fair for your partner to
Make an effort if it matters to you!

My husband is pretty good with presents, but the best thing he does on my birthday is bring me breakfast in bed - homemade croissants, orange juice, AND coffee. And then steak and chips for tea. That's as much of a present for me as the wrapped-up gifts he gets.

Pagwatch is as usual spot on, too :)

Pag's right.

I love giving presents, I carefully choose what I think they'll love, I'll wrap it, bag it, or box it in pretty wrappings with artfully scrunched tissue paper (seriously, I'm that fussy about it..)

I damn well expect the same. I don't give to receive but I can't help but be hurt if I spend ages making banners for DH's birthday with the children, give him nicely wrapped gifts and then when it's my turn I get a box of maltesers wrapped in the cheap paper that I keep for kids birthday parties.

But, TheDoctrine, all those crap husbands on here have enjoyed their own presents, haven't they? Why don't they, then, do the same in return?

What I don't understand is, if someone gets YOU a well thought-out, lovely present, doesn't that make you want to get them one when it's their "turn"? ExP was excellent at presents and it was nice because when it came to getting things for him, I felt I could put in the time and effort to make it a really great day.

x-post, Imperial :o

If you've got the money to just buy whatever you like whenever you want, you're very lucky, because plenty of people haven't. I see things I'd like all the time but don't buy them, but when DP asks what I'd like, I mention them and then he knows what to buy, and I know I'll like it.

As for why I like to celebrate my birthday, I was raised in a home where celebrating birthdays was forbidden by my mother's religion, so as soon as I left home, I thoroughly embraced birthday celebration.

YANBU. Although I am the worst one in our relationship

What I don't understand is, if someone gets YOU a well thought-out, lovely present, doesn't that make you want to get them one when it's their "turn"?

Well yes, I do feel like that because (not stealthy boast at all) I am grateful and try to think about other people's feelings! Sadly, there are loads of thoughtless idiots out there who only pay attention to gifts when they are the recipients and don't ever think about anyone else :(

I'm not saying every forgetful DP is a thoughtless idiot, just that you can only give the benefit of the doubt for so long. If you've made your (reasonable, obv) expectations clear on more than one occasion and have been let down then you'd be justified in feeling disappointed....

DH knows there are two rules re cards. First, it cannot come from the supermarket; second, it cannot have ugly fucking coy twee bastard teddy bears on it.

This may or may not be related to a year when he completely forgot, and had to do a midnight dash to the 24/7 Tesco, and came back with a teddy bear card and a dried up cake with teddy bears on.

I cried this year on V Day when he was overseas at short notice (18 hours' notice) so I very explicitly, specifically and honestly said not to get anything. Cue massive fugly Moonpig card with diseased red roses - we have a running joke that red roses symbolise infidelity, so I was devastated.

I know that I have to give him enough, but not too much, notice of a fairly specific thing I would like. Which is unromantic but at least not sad-making. And if I don't like it, say so after a discreet interval, or I'll get it again...

Yes, imperial, I do think the crap partners should make an effort! Why don't they? Hmm, maybe because getting the nice present didn't mean all that much to them - they didn't get the thrill out of it that a 'present-lover' would have done and they would have been just as happy with a card.

Yeah but, surely we all make a fuss for people we like even over things we ourselves don't understand? Flippant example, I have a friend who's a massive fussarse over how tea is made, while I could give a single toss really as long as it looks like tea at the end. It's like some kind of timed ritual for her. When she comes over, I blooming well make her tea the way I know she likes it, because I want her to enjoy it.

Yes elephants, but that's because you are in all probability a nice person :)

I think I try to consider other people, but it is a source of perpetual niggling annoyance to me that the rest of the world doesn't always do the same! Mind you I'm sure that there are things I do which others consider grossly rude and I'm not even aware of it, so maybe it all evens out.

I'd try to change my behaviour if they complained to me though - I think that's the key point. Many people just go 'You're weird and I will ignore you' in that scenario!