AIBU? Or is he? Genuine question!

[herdofimpala]

DH is currently going through a bereavement - the person hasn't actually died yet, but is expected to at any moment. This very close relative of DH lives away, so DH has already been to say his goodbyes, and is understandably very upset. Today he decided he didn't feel up to going to work. I'm off work today, so thought we'd spend the day together as a family (DS, 9.5mo). I was also grateful for the help if I'm honest, I've had a really nasty throat infection for a few days now, have started antibiotics this afternoon but feel totally dreadful.

Anyway, he's gotten narked all day every time I've asked him to do something with DS - he's usually very hands-on, we're very 50/50 with childcare. I went for an hour's lie down earlier as I'd been up during the night, and then early this morning, with DS, plus as I mentioned I really do feel like crap. DH didn't look impressed, and after precisely 1 hour he came and woke me up, handed me a screaming DS, and went and sat down and picked up his console controller. Within 3 minutes I had DS laughing, just by playing with him. I asked DH what the matter was (nicely) as he looked so pissed off. He said he'd taken the day off for some peace and quiet, didn't think he should have to 'deal with' DS after looking after him for most of the day yesterday (I was at work), and if I wanted help with childcare I should call my mother!

Sorry this is so long, didn't want to only give half the story. I really do want opinions on who WBU - I don't want to be insensitive to DH's grief or be selfish because I'm not feeling well, but I do object to cooking, cleaning and looking after DS while feeling dreadful while DH sits on the sofa.

I think its a hard one, but I can understand why your DH would want some time to be alone with his thoughts but at the same time normal family life can't come to a standstill.

Why the hell is it your mum's job to look after his child?

If he's feeling so awful that he can't go to work, then surely he is just at home with his family and does whatever needs to be done? I can understand if you wanted him to decorate the house, but asking him to be with his own son for a while? He is unreasonable.

Alone with his thoughts whilst he's playing a computer game?

Is there any chance he's milking this situation, OP?

He is BU.

I don't think either one of you is being unreasonable. I think you're both just looking for some much-needed support that neither is able to give right now because you're both having a difficult time.

Hope you feel better soon and that your DH manages to find some comfort.

I don't know. Maybe neither of you is being reasonable and it is just one of those awful times where everyone feels sick and gets on each other's nerves and someone has to have the extra willpower to get stuff done. For me, illness would make it harder to pull my weight. For dh it would be grieving/emotion. And both of us get pretty unreasonable about thinking the other should make up the difference for our lack of energy! Sorry not to help at all!

Feel for you though - hope those antibiotics kick in soon.

I think YABU, he wasn't able to cope with work, if he felt that bad I'ld assume he wouldn't be able to cope with work in the home either TBH

I know its hard when you're ill too, I really resented DH the other day when he had (quite a high) fever and was falling asleed standing up, and I was also ill, and we had DS to entertain and look after.. but I was being irrrational, he was illler then me and could not cope with DS, I just felt miserable and didn't want to

Its harder to be loosing someone then to have actually lost them, that horrible limbo when you grieve, then feel guilty for grieving because the body is still breathing..

Neither of you and both of you.

I think you need to be kind to each other, because while you're physically ill, he is (temporarily) emotionally ill. When I'm ill, I don't want to be at all with the DCs and just want to watch Miss Marple. Maybe your DH is feeling like that. I can't imagine, actually I can imagine, what a wreck I'd be like if a family member was dying and even though I'd love to think I'd want to be with my DCs, I think i would want to be alone or with a calm person.

Perhaps he has a point, that your Mum may be a help to both of you at this time. What I don't think will help is getting angry with each other, so try and smooth things over.

just to add, I don't think YAB THAT U, I totally get why you're miffed, but it does sound like in this instance you are the one with more of a reserve then him to keep going

anyway the day is over, prob best draw a line under it, hope you get better soon and your DH's loved one passes peacefully x

I don't think he is BU, tho that's not to say that I think you are either.

He just sounds like he needs some time to sit and wallow. That's ok.

It's understandable that he is restless if the relative is a brother or sister or a parent. But he should be willing to care for his wife and offspring at the drop of a hat. I think he is BVU .

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate the different perspectives! It was more the 'if I want help with childcare...' comment that got to me, grieving or not, DS is still just as much his child as mine. Something which he apparently does undertand when he's thinking straight, as he's just apologised. We both have, and have agreed we're in an unusually shitty situation and need to make an effort to loof after each other.

*look

I think the fact that he is normally so good probably shows how much the situation is getting to him. Hopefully everything is resolved soon so you can move forward.

I think YABU. Only a bit though. He is going through a hard time. So I'd just put this behind you as a not very good day and tomorrow will be better.

I am sorry you I think you need to cut him some slack here. Someone who he has known all of his life by the sounds of it, is about to die. That is a very hard thing for most to cope with, and I think if he is asking for a bit of peace, then he deserves that.

I agree with the poster that said both of you and neither of you.
I can see why you are pissed, I can see why he wanted some time alone. If he is usually good with as and doesn't do this alot or never has done before, I would let it go.

I think he's being unreasonable. My MIL had unsuccessful surgery for a brain tumour last week. Words cannot express how awful things are.

But I'm pregnant and frankly it's done DH good to do a bit of nursery sorting and to give his opinions on a crib and towel I wanted to buy. Your son is alive and well and I think he should try to embrace that. Yes try to be kind to each other but children are great at putting life into perspective.

I do agree on that point, if you need help with childcare it IS you PLURAL who need help with childcare

but its no time to nit pick and sounds like that was out of character for him and sounds like you've got it all worked out now

WOW waitingforme, if anyone told me that I should appreciate the people I had who were alive whilst grieving for someone I loved who was dying I'ld want to punch them in the face! I really would! nothing mitigates the fact that you are loosing someone you love, not even loving other people, you need to be allowed to go with your grief for that person!

Waitingforme just because your husband finds that keeping busy is good for him that doesn't mean the same applies for everyone. There is no right way to act in such a horrible situation.

Waitingforme - we all respond to grief differently. I'm sorry about your MIL and that you and your DH have to got through this and that doing the nursery is helping. But for me, I would be completely 'in my cave' if a bro or sis or parent was dying and a 'chin up, children are lifes blood so embrace' would have spun me off my perch.
I'd probably be being insensitive all over the shop too and would also disintigrate if someone picked me up on small crap things I'd said (although in normal circs I'd definitely be blasting your DH for saying that).
I'm glad that you and your DH have worked it out as you both sound like you could do with tea and sympathy.

I can understand he is grieving and needs some time to himself but why can't he look after his own child?

I think the OP has been understanding, theres no excuse to not look after your own child even when you're grieving. What if both parents are grieving? Would it be a battle of whos saddest gets to have 'alone time'

And 'if you wanted childcare'. Is tht how he sees looking after his own kid?

In my defense (not that I really need a defense!), I'm lucky to have never lost anyone close to me so can't know how he's feeling. I can imagine, but doubt it would come close. I was just astounded when he said he'd expected me to do everything, all day, while he sat on the sofa ignoring us! It never occurred to me he'd not want to do the usual we've-all-got-a-day-off-together stuff, especially as it doesn't happen very often.