AIBU? Or is he? Genuine question!

[herdofimpala]

DH is currently going through a bereavement - the person hasn't actually died yet, but is expected to at any moment. This very close relative of DH lives away, so DH has already been to say his goodbyes, and is understandably very upset. Today he decided he didn't feel up to going to work. I'm off work today, so thought we'd spend the day together as a family (DS, 9.5mo). I was also grateful for the help if I'm honest, I've had a really nasty throat infection for a few days now, have started antibiotics this afternoon but feel totally dreadful.

Anyway, he's gotten narked all day every time I've asked him to do something with DS - he's usually very hands-on, we're very 50/50 with childcare. I went for an hour's lie down earlier as I'd been up during the night, and then early this morning, with DS, plus as I mentioned I really do feel like crap. DH didn't look impressed, and after precisely 1 hour he came and woke me up, handed me a screaming DS, and went and sat down and picked up his console controller. Within 3 minutes I had DS laughing, just by playing with him. I asked DH what the matter was (nicely) as he looked so pissed off. He said he'd taken the day off for some peace and quiet, didn't think he should have to 'deal with' DS after looking after him for most of the day yesterday (I was at work), and if I wanted help with childcare I should call my mother!

Sorry this is so long, didn't want to only give half the story. I really do want opinions on who WBU - I don't want to be insensitive to DH's grief or be selfish because I'm not feeling well, but I do object to cooking, cleaning and looking after DS while feeling dreadful while DH sits on the sofa.

yeah if it was going on indefinitely but the person hasn't died yet

let me tell you about my experience of grieving for someone who is "gone" but not dead yet, it is stunted, you grieve, you feel guilty for the livng body.. so when they actually die you find it hard to fully grieve because you've been stopping yourself from talking about then in the past tense all the time you were waiting for them to die. I took me years to let proper grief out after being in that situation

if he is wallowing in grief this is GOOD because in this kind of circumstance it is hard to fully grieve, either before or after!

And to add, he's been doing all the other things in RL, taking care of DS for several hours when you were at work yesterday.

Give each other a break and I am glad that you guys were able to resolve it.

not allowing him to wallow now could drag the issue out for years

Yes not the same situation but it reminded me of my own: DH oblivious to partner struggling because he's in his own bubble.
By the way, I wouldn't have minded that he wasn't helping if he had sat in his office working. As it were he was say on the sofa right on his laptop and completely ignoring all that was happening around him.

I'm going to give him some wallowing time tomorrow and take DS out for a while, maybe to visit family if I still feel shit, maybe into town or to softplay if I feel a little better. I know it's only been ONE day, but I always think ahead and don't think I'd be helping him long-term by letting him wallow 24/7. I certainly don't expect him to do everything he normally does, and I'm trying to be supportive in every way I can. I don't want to ask my mum to have DS as she already looks after him while I'm at work, I don't want to ask her for more of her time!

you cant timetable it, the waves come when they come

Can you go stay with family for a few days to recover as he isn't able to support you

it'll already be stinted by the situation of the body still being alive, don't stint it further because you (understandably) are afraid of seeing him like that, it'll cause more problems long term, trust me!

Why don't you ask what he might want to do tomorrow?
My Dh, when he was upset because it looked like his mums 2nd chemo wasn't working, all he wanted to do was go to the cinema, because it was his way of shutting off for a while. So I booked a babysitter for the day, walked in the park with him and went and saw something with superheroes (I think) with him and held his hand. It wasn't what I would have wanted, but it helped him so much.

Do you think your mum would really object to having your DS so you could be a support to DH.

And I see what you mean about long term, but I'd say a week woudl be minimum ( as one of the posters above was saying about her Granny dying) to 'wallow'. And I think thinking of it as 'wallowing' is making berevement sound like a trivial and self-indulgent thing, can you think of it in another way so you don't make it seem, right now, like he sounds like a teenager down in the dumps about somthing rubbish?

holy, I don't think that would do either of us any good, plus I'm sure I'll feel better in the next couple of days. Cheri I'm not afraid of seeing him like anything, I just want to balance supporting him in the short term with protecting his health in the longer term.

TouTou, sorry if my choice of words make it seem that I see it as trivial or self-indulgent, I really really don't see it that way. I'm going to ask him in the morning how he feels and what he'd like to do, or what he'd like DS and I to do.

if you want to protect his health long term then stinting his grief and putting limits on it now is the worst thing you can do, I know what you mean, but honestly! he's not down for no reason, being unable to go right down to the bottom of your grief means you don't get to come out the other side of it, rather its surpressed and causes you problems for years!

This kind of grief is hard enough to really get through anyway

If you try to control his grieving for him, or make him feel that it should be to your specified timescales, there is every chance he will try and bottle it up and that will not help him at all.

You cannot expect him to behave in the way you THINK you would behave in the same circumstances. Until you lose someone that you are close to, you cant even imagine how it feels.

You seem really nice and I don't think you think like that

Perhaps that woudl be the kind thing to do, ask him in the morning, baby him a little bit (even though you probably feel like babying yourself with a cold!), let him tell you what he'd like to do that day and just enjoy the day with your DC at soft play playing in the piss ball pit.

ONly you know your DH and you are right, there may be warning signs about depression, so you're right to be aware of this.

Yep, I took that on board from points made in earlier posts, so going to take things one day at a time and ask him what he needs. I'm not usually ill, certainly very rarely ill enough to limit what I do, so I'm sure I'll be back to 100% in a day or 2! Squeaky, I know that, I've never said I expect him to behave in that way, I even said I have no way of knowing how I'd behave, I just know what I'd like to think I'd act like, especially with DH and DS to think about. Cherie, I understand what you're saying, and I'm not trying to stint his grief. Unfortunately real life still has to be dealt with - I'll only get leave for the funeral, so until then and after that DH has to do dinner, bath and bed for DS on the days I'm at work, and do everything from breakfast to bedtime if I'm at work on a Sunday (I usually am), as my mum can't look after DS on Sundays. I have no control over my shifts. Do you have any suggestions? I'm heartbroken for him (and very sad myself about his loved one, we've been together since we were teenagers so I feel close to his family), but honestly don't know what to do differently to support him in these circumstances.

Thank you TouTou, I really am just trying my best to look after my little family as best I can!

I think its one of those times when the bare essentials of clean bum and full tum (and obv not allowed to lick live electrics etc) is good enough

and flexibility, he may feel blank or humourous on the day the rellie dies or for the funeral, and sad at less likely times.. don't expect the grief to peak at the funeral, it might, it might not, don't expect it to wane after the funeral etc

I think there's been some great advice on here, the thing I would like to add is that when you start 'counting' who is pulling their weight more, that's not good - there has to be times when one person is allowed to be more needy without it all going on a big score card. You feel ill, but that will pass quickly - grief is a complete knockout and its not like a film where everyone starts behaving in a saintly fashion as soon as illness or death come knocking. Maybe just show him you care by asking him what he needs from you?

No-one's counting Polly, and I'd already decided to be guided by him. Thanks for the advice and support everyone.

I think you are right to encourage him to remain involved in family life. A little time out is fair enough but a whole day at a time is a bit self indulgent, I think.

By the way, my DM died after a protracted illness 6 years ago, I had a new born to look after, my DH was very supportive, but there just wasn't time for me to take 'time off'. Different from your situation, I know, but I think it did me good to just have to get on with things.