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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Or is he? Genuine question!

71 replies

herdofimpala · 16/07/2012 20:17

DH is currently going through a bereavement - the person hasn't actually died yet, but is expected to at any moment. This very close relative of DH lives away, so DH has already been to say his goodbyes, and is understandably very upset. Today he decided he didn't feel up to going to work. I'm off work today, so thought we'd spend the day together as a family (DS, 9.5mo). I was also grateful for the help if I'm honest, I've had a really nasty throat infection for a few days now, have started antibiotics this afternoon but feel totally dreadful.

Anyway, he's gotten narked all day every time I've asked him to do something with DS - he's usually very hands-on, we're very 50/50 with childcare. I went for an hour's lie down earlier as I'd been up during the night, and then early this morning, with DS, plus as I mentioned I really do feel like crap. DH didn't look impressed, and after precisely 1 hour he came and woke me up, handed me a screaming DS, and went and sat down and picked up his console controller. Within 3 minutes I had DS laughing, just by playing with him. I asked DH what the matter was (nicely) as he looked so pissed off. He said he'd taken the day off for some peace and quiet, didn't think he should have to 'deal with' DS after looking after him for most of the day yesterday (I was at work), and if I wanted help with childcare I should call my mother!

Sorry this is so long, didn't want to only give half the story. I really do want opinions on who WBU - I don't want to be insensitive to DH's grief or be selfish because I'm not feeling well, but I do object to cooking, cleaning and looking after DS while feeling dreadful while DH sits on the sofa.

OP posts:

TouTou · 16/07/2012 21:15

Herdofimpala - when my DM was close to dying I felt like there would never be any happiness in the world ever again. I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and rock in the corner. I felt like every noise and every touch was just too much to cope with.
It was like the way I was giving birth, it's the only way I can think of it. I wanted to be alone or with someone gentle. Some people would want to be surrounded at these times, some of us find that the sadness is so overwhelming that you just don't know how to be around people and can't find support there.
You only have to read 'Stop all the Clocks' by WH Auden to get a feeling for how I felt and how (possibly your DH feels) about death. One day alone wouldn't have done it.

But, others have different experiences and needs of this.

CecilyP · 16/07/2012 21:24

If you were going through a bereavement and he was feeling unwell, do you think he would take over all the childcare? Or do you think that you would still be doing all the childcare and housework, plus looking after your DH because he was feeling unwell?

mynewpassion · 16/07/2012 21:29

No one was being unreasonable but you were a bit insensitive to think that he wanted to do-a-day-off-together stuff just because he called in sick. He took the day off to grieve not to play hooky.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/07/2012 21:30

It sounds like you have doneteh right thing by talking about it and agreeing to look after each other

Well done.

It sounds to me like both your positions are understandably difficult and there is no clear cut right and wrong. It's just one of those marriage things where you have to be sure to communicate well to get through it.

SecretPlace · 16/07/2012 21:33

mynewpassion all she wanted him to do was look after his own child or are grieving people exempt from parental duties?

He'd rather play a computer game...

Which I understand can provide a distraction from the awful thing that's going on, but so would playing with his kid.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/07/2012 21:35

Are you married or with a DP Secret?

mynewpassion · 16/07/2012 21:37

No, she said later that she thought he wanted to all the things that they normally do if they both had a day off. That was not the case.

SecretPlace · 16/07/2012 21:37

Yes I am and we've both grieved and lost people very close to us.

We came together in these times, not used it as an excuse to wallow and disregard others.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 16/07/2012 21:38

YABU

Let him grieve FFS

caramel1 · 16/07/2012 21:40

When I lost my Dad, the last thing I wanted to do was interact with anybody. I also had a 3 month old baby to deal with.

I retreated into my own little world.

Sometimes it's what people do.

SecretPlace · 16/07/2012 21:40

What would single parents do?

SquidgyBiscuits · 16/07/2012 21:41

My nanna died last year, and the process took over a week. I don't suffer stress, and am generally quite laid back and happy go lucky.

That week was the worst in my life. I was so stressed I was ill. I felt helpless and just completely lost. I was just like a zombie, and found it so hard to just do simple things without really concentrating. I imagine I was a nightmare to live with for my DH. But he was totally there to support me. He did everything he possibly could, from holding my hand at the hospital to taking care of things at home and rearranging plans we'd made etc.

Losing someone is such an extreme situation, and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. But really you should be supporting your DH through it, and making things easier for him, he's had to take time off work because of the distress, it's not like he's skiving so it isn't for you to use to your advantage, it's for your DH to get his head straight.

Cheriefroufrou · 16/07/2012 21:42

"Which I understand can provide a distraction from the awful thing that's going on, but so would playing with his kid."

I disagree, playing with your child isn't the mindless zoning out you get from gaming or reading or TV or MN

Playing with your child is "real" is real life, if he could cope with real life he'ld have been able to cope with work

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/07/2012 21:43

Then dont you ever have really stressful times when you say something in a snappy way when you know you shouldn't especially because you don't mean it in the way it came out?

I know I've snapped at DH when I haven't meant to when I've been especially upset. But we forgive each other and get over it. Which is what the OP and her dh sound like they are doing. What's the point ove going over it, he has apologised?

Original poster

herdofimpala · 16/07/2012 21:43

mynewpassion, tbh all I meant by day-off-together stuff was that we'd share the childcare, as well as play with DS together, which is usually something we both enjoy no matter what, DS's constant baby happiness is usually infectious! I didn't mean go shopping, visit family, etc. Cecily, I honestly don't know as I'm lucky enough to have never been bereaved of someone close. I'd like to think I'd do what I usually do when things aren't great - take a deep breath and get on with it, but I just don't know.

OP posts:

Cheriefroufrou · 16/07/2012 21:44

"What would single parents do?" I imagine something along the lines of kids on front of cebeebies with icecream or beans for dinner if they didn't feel up to playing and quality family time!

SecretPlace · 16/07/2012 21:45

I'm not saying they should go over it, it should be dropped now I'm just saying he was being a bit unreasonable, but I understand why because we all grieve differently.

SquidgyBiscuits · 16/07/2012 21:45

Lots of my friends play computer games to switch off. No different to me listening to music to switch off.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 21:46

At the moment your husband is in a horrible state of limbo, waiting for a phone call. It is one of the worst places to be.

You will get better and be fine, his relative wont.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/07/2012 21:46

Single parents would just have to get on with it, but it would be very hard and I doubt they woudo be parenting anywhere near their best. That's why it's so difficult to be a single parent, but when your are married, it's not unreasonable to expect that kind of support from your husband or wife.

Original poster

herdofimpala · 16/07/2012 21:48

Would just like to say that, as far as DH and I are concerned, the matter is dealt with and dropped, and we'll be making more of an effort to be considerate and supportive of each other tomorrow. I'm still on this thread purely because the difference in responses and perspectives is intriguing!

OP posts:

olimpia · 16/07/2012 21:49

I had almost exactly the same issue with my DH a few weeks ago. He came home from work early to work from home and didn't lift a finger even or his eyebrows from his laptop even though the boys were killing each other, the baby was screaming and I was sweating to cook dinner and juggle everything at once. His excuse reason for not helping when i lashed out was that he would normally beat work at that time.
YANBU
If someone is at home they must help. I don't care if they would otherwise be at work. You can't ignore what's going on around you.

Original poster

herdofimpala · 16/07/2012 22:01

Keep meaning to add - I also worry that I would be doing DH no favours by letting him sit on the sofa and wallow for however long it takes (relative has already well outlived predictions, although is gravely, gravely ill). Many moons ago he suffered with depression, and I worry there's a chance he'll sink back into it if he just sits focussing on his loss. I can't let him 'opt-out' of family life entirely, I worry I won't get him back. I've told him all of this, and he eventually understood and agreed although he reacted badly at first. Olimpia, I don't think your situation was even almost exactly the same - if your DH is working from home, he's actually working! That's not the same as sitting playing XBox!

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 16/07/2012 22:03

I think a bit of grieving/wallowing should be allowed. However if its a prolonged thing, then yes, you should be worried but it was ONE day.

TouTou · 16/07/2012 22:04

Olimpia. That is not even slightly similar. Herdofimpala's husband is suffering the loss of a loved one. Honestly, that puts things in a very different catagory.

In fairness, the OP's DH had the best solution, ask the mother for help. Surely it's times like yours that you are lucky to have family around to help with the DCs. Not everyone can pull up their bootstraps and get on with life as SecretPlace can. You only have to look at the bereavement threads to see this in painful detail.

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