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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that no matter what you think of your child's father it is wrong to try and poison your child against him?

53 replies

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 16/07/2012 11:18

I am getting increasingly frustrated with an acquaintance of mine. She has an 8 year old DD, who is friends with my 8 year old DD, and she split from her DD's father when her DD was 6 months old. The father cheated on her and didn't behave brilliantly but there was no violence or abuse, just him being an arse at times and then having an affair.

Anyway, she initially refused to allow the father any contact and finally after about two years he was granted access through the court; every other weekend throughout the year, with the child staying overnight, and a couple of full weeks of 'holiday' per year.

However in recent years, probably the last two, this woman has increasinly poisoned her daughter against her father. She has instilled into the little girl that the girl doesn't like her father, and that he's horrible and that she doesn't want to visit him. I've heard her saying it. I can tell her daughter agrees with her just to keep the peace. The father now has a three year old daughter too and this woman has told her DD that the three year old is not her sister and she is not allowed to refer to her as her sister.

The woman has now said she is going to stop her DD going to her fathers' house again and he can take her back to court. I feel she hasn't given any thought to her daughter's feelings, she is just going by her hatred of her ex. The little girl talk glowingly of her father when she comes round, and says she likes going there. But if her mum asks her if she likes going, she says that no, she hates her dad, and I do feel this is because her mum is poisoning her and making her feel obliged to say that. The mum is the kind of mum that just speaks for her child all the time.

AIBU to feel it's wrong. and to feel sorry for the child?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 16/07/2012 11:20

i agree with you. a friend's brother is having an awful time at the moment trying to gain access to his kids and it's just heartbreaking.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 16/07/2012 11:21

What grates on me is the mum seems to have no self-awareness at all and thinks that what she is doing is ok.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/07/2012 11:21

YANBU

And if these emotionally abusive parents could just fast forward to the child's teenage years and see the damage and the anger, I'd like to think they wouldn't dream of treating them this way Sad

MistyRocks · 16/07/2012 11:22

she sounds like dh's ex

and she is an evil cunt too, who has ruined the relationship between dh's dd and dh. why the hell do some women do this?

poor little girl.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 16/07/2012 11:31

She just speaks for this girl all the time, tells her what she wants, the girl gets no opinion

OP posts:
nomorecake · 16/07/2012 11:38

Some people cant get over the hurt/rejection/anger and dont realise the damage this with do in the longer term. Especially as it will most probably come back to bite her on the arse.

thisisyesterday · 16/07/2012 11:50

same with the ppl i know hexagonal. the eldest child even said to her dad "you don't lie to me do you daddy? because mummy and grandma do"

so she knows what is going on.

why can't the mum see the damage she is causing? she's so hell-bent on exacting "revenge" and getting her own way that she'll do anything to get it, regardless of the damage she is doing to her children.

it's just so, so sad.

KellyElly · 16/07/2012 11:56

YANBU. It's so wrong of parents to do that and in the end the onlyone who is hurt/damaged is the child.

TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 16/07/2012 11:58

Sad A friend of my parents did this to her daughter. It was horrible. Luckily the little girl now sees her dad regularly, but there were a few years while she hardly saw him at all, despite them living in the same town.

My parents split when I was 11, but both Mum and Dad managed to behave like adults for the sake of me and my sister.

Petsinmypudenda · 16/07/2012 12:03

Its awful do do that to kids. It really messes them up

I've not spoken to or seen my real mother since I was 15 because of the lies she said about my dad. When we found them out we packed up and moved in with our dad and stepmum
I grew up believing he beat her up, didn't care or want to see us and never paid a penny towards us.
My dad showed me solicitors letters and bank statements that showed he fought to see us for years and paid maintenance every month without fail.
She admitted to my sister that she lied about him hitting her to get full custody of us at the time.

Neither of us have seen her since. Its been 12 years now, she tried to get in touch Christmas time last year but i'm still bitter about all the lost years without my dad

Hassled · 16/07/2012 12:07

When you're the bitter, cheated-on ex it's very hard to separate in your mind the wanker of a partner with the father. I was lucky - my Ex was a shit husband but I never doubted that he was a very good father and I was able to separate it, and never criticised him to the DCs, but I can see how easy it must be to allow the bitterness to take over.

Anyway - YANBU. The poor girl.

zookeper · 16/07/2012 12:09

yanbu. In making the child feel bad about her father, she is actually making her feel bad about herself. At this point the child does not know the reason for this, but as she gets older she will understand that she shares half his genes. Ihad every reason to bad mouthe my ex to my dcs but resisted for this reason.

AThingInYourLife · 16/07/2012 12:09

I think people who treat their partners like utter shit are taking a big risk that this will happen.

The woman is human and was treated appallingly by this utter piece of shit at a very vulnerable time of her life.

But now she's expected to pretend he's a good guy so her precious daughter will be fooled into having a good opinion of him.

If he wasn't a dick, this wouldn't be happening.

I feel as sorry for the child that her father is a wanker as that her mother is bitter about it.

redrubyshoes · 16/07/2012 12:09

I have seen this in action where the mother used to lie to her child and say she had posted the letters/pictures etc her DD had written and drawn for her Dad and grandparents. She also binned everything they sent to her.

The Dad went through the courts to get access and it all came out then, she came across as a spiteful and vindictive woman and she gained nothing from it.

SoupDragon · 16/07/2012 12:11

DCs father is an utter wanker. I have never spoken about it to the children - at some point they will work out for themselves what he did.

redrubyshoes · 16/07/2012 12:11

Insult the parent and you insult half the child.

Empusa · 16/07/2012 12:13

I can top that. I know someone who encourages her 8 year old son to say he wants to kill his father.

Granted the bloke is an arse, but that's a pretty horrific line of thought to encourage in a child.

Shakirasma · 16/07/2012 12:14

AThing
The guy may have been a shit partner but that doesn't make him a shit dad, so no need for the child to think him a wanker.

And the mother does not need to pretend he is a good guy, she just needs to stop saying he is a bad guy and butt out of the child's relationship with her father.

cantspel · 16/07/2012 12:18

Being a shit husband doesn't mean the man is also a shit father, Nor does it have to mean that the man is a wanker.

There are many reasons why relationships break down, people have affairs or just behave like an arse.

They could have got together to young, or trapped into a long term relationship by an unplanned pregnancy, finances putting a stain on a relationship, mental illness a host of reasons.

The man left his wife, not his child.

Ragwort · 16/07/2012 12:20

AThing - but what about cases when the wife has left the DH, had an affair or just behaved appallingly and still won't allow the DF access to his own children. This has happened to two friends of mine, in neither case was the DH abusive or having an affair but despite legal proceedings etc etc both of my friends have not been allowed to see their children for many years Sad - despite paying regular child maintenance and trying to do the right thing. Equally sad for the grandparents in both case who have also been denied access to their DGC.

Yes, I know there are two sides to every story but in these two cases I do feel that the mothers' behaviour is totally unacceptable and very, very sad for the children growing up without being able to see their own father.

Kaluki · 16/07/2012 12:23

AThing - thats very harsh.
My ex was a shit partner. He cheated on me many times but worst of all when I was pg with DS2.

But he cheated on ME, not the dc.
He has always been a very good father to them and they adore him. I wouldn't taint their relationship with him by bad mouthing him to them.
They do sometimes ask why their dad and I split up and I still won't tell them the full story. They will figure it out when they are older but I won't be the one to shatter their illusions.
DP's ex on the other hand does her best to ruin DPs relationship with his DC. She has tried to erase him from their lives telling them he doesn't love them, that he lies and she even makes them call her boyfriend Daddy. They are so screwed up, poor little things but they take their Mum's word for everything. One day though they will see the boyfriends name on their parents divorce papers and all the correspondence where he fought to see them and then they will see exactly what their Mum is like.
What goes around comes around!!!

FreckledLeopard · 16/07/2012 12:28

But what about where the individual is a shit father? DD's father has never met her, buggered off as soon as I got pregnant, never paid a penny towards her and has done everything he can to have no part of our lives. So when DD wants to know why she doesn't see him or why he plays no part in our lives, it's hard to say anything other than that he's a twat. I wish he did have a relationship with DD, especially since I know he's now married and a doting father to his child from that relationship. But I can't tell DD that he's a good person, a good father or give her any kind of assurances about him because he is a complete arse.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 16/07/2012 12:29

AThing, I do think the woman's ex behaved badly, however I don't believe two wrongs make a right and I think the woman needs to put her child first and let her DD make up her own mind.

BTW, this was over 8 years ago now, AND this woman has re-married, so it does seem pretty unreasonable of her to still be so bitter after such a long time and having found further happiness herself

OP posts:
Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 16/07/2012 12:30

Freckledleopard, your situation seems different to the one I have described though; the father of my friend's DD seems to be a decent bloke, he's always paid maintenance, and he wants to see his child...

OP posts:
Kaluki · 16/07/2012 12:32

Freckled - in that case then your dd will see for herself what a shit father she has. Sad
In the OPs case the father is trying to see his dd and the mother is alienating the child from him.
Children aren't stupid. They grow up and see the truth for themselves and have to deal with that. Its not fair to influence this before they are ready to see it.