to feel that DH should not expect me to do everything.

[generallyadogsbody]

Basically, I am irritated because I do all the 'chores' around the house. These include cleaning, doing the dishwasher, washing clothes, all the cooking and large majority of the childcare including any night time wake ups, I also sort out packed lunches/ drop offs with cm when i am at work. I work 1 day per week plus do about 1 day's worth from home. DH works full time. His contribution is mainly in terms of keeping paperwork in order, and doing all the personal admin, plus he helps out with the children when he is here (obv he is also the main breadwinner).

This morning I was getting the kids' breakfast (had already got them up and dressed), when DH wandered downstairs looking for a shirt for work. I told him I hadn't washed any. He looked and sounded all hard done by and I'm afraid I flipped and got a bit shouty because he has been at home ALL weekend. I had, as it happened, been doing lots of washing all weekend (changed the beds and did kids clothes) and could easily have stuck a couple of shirts in if he'd just TOLD me he needed them. Or, heaven forbid, he could have WASHED some himself. So basically, AIBU to have had a bit of a rant this morning? I feel a bit mean now....

I have to pick up on this. Ruthless - if he only has one pair of trousers, why is it your responsibility to get them clean and ironed over the weekend?

I know, I know. Mostly because I am very precious about my lovely washing machine to be honest...

I will consider myself well and truly chastised and will become a more efficient launderer in future!

I don't think you should feel 'chastised'. Seriously?

It does sound like a communication issue, and more his fault than yours.

Larry your system of working out leisure time sounds really complicated. I'm not sure what you mean by one partner working far harder pre children - does that mean if the SAHP worked very long shifts pre children while the WOHP only worked 9-5 that the SAHP should hand the children over at the end of every day and do nothing because they worked hard pre children?

Cailin,

I think "fairness" can only be calculated over the medium term and it is also very personal. If, for instance, a 30 year old who has had a relaxed youth marries a 40 year old who has worked all hours god sends in order to accumulate substantial savings, then the 30 year old should work a little harder in the early part of the marriage, as the 40 year old has already "banked" some of their work and put it towards their family.

In your scenario, I do think the working patterns should be taken into account, though it is never as black and white as you put it. In most successful relationships, whoever has energy and is least knackered always helps their partner out in the tough times, regardless of the way the time is split. I do think "spreadsheeting" relationships is an error, although I can see on these boards some relationships where the split is clearly egregiously unfair.

Fair enough Larry, it just seems a bit petty or something, I don't know. Like, would the 40 year old say "I'm not getting up with the baby because I bought the house?" Or "I won't do the dishes because I am responsible for all our savings?" The way I see it, regardless of how their lives went previous to when they met a couple makes a new life together which means working as a team and helping each other out. Point-scoring on the basis of past effort seems a bit mean to me.

I suppose I mean chastised in that the majority of posters think I'm being unreasonable, and as i did ask I sort of have tO take that!

The attitudes to laundry on MN are really bizarre though OP. Whenever I say I don't do DH's laundry I always get a really really negative response, it's weird. I don't think you were in the wrong at all, a grown adult can keep track of their own clothes. The idea that you have to actually do your DH's thinking for him (in terms of planning ahead etc) is really odd and not something I would ever expect anyone to do.

Cailin,

Point scoring is a bit mean, full stop. But, if you are going to do it, I don't think you can choose a particular slice of life and say anything in the past or future does not count. I am all for helping one another out, though.

Sorry to bang on about it Larry, I'm just curious, how would your idea work in practical terms - how would the 30 year old do more at the start of the marriage for example?

Cailin,

For instance, were they to have the energy, they might happily agree to have a little less free time per day. Not none, not so much that they had no free time but their partner spent all day relaxing, but maybe 30 minutes difference. They might also have a little more energy, being 10 years younger. I would say that would be one version of a "fair" arrangement.

I don't do DH's washing for him either (except if I'm putting a load on and have a bit of space, I might ask if there's anything he needs doing). I'm not a SAHM, but even if I was I don't think it would automatically make me responsible for his personal laundry or that he would stop bothering to make sure he has what he needs for work. He's not a child!

Cailin - I always find it so bizarre when people do their laundry separately as you describe.
Surely it is just as easy for you - or he - to put on a load of laundry that includes everyone's clothes?

I always imagine that there are lots of small loads going on, which is inefficient in terms of time and energy used!

I don't get this "he's not a child" idea. If, when jobs are divided, one person agrees to do the laundry, surely they should do all of it, including planning and execution, and for everyone? Is it that hard?

Ephiny,

If the OP's husband failed to renew her insurance in a timely manner (apparently, that is his responsiblity, from the OP) would you question whether the OP was a child in expecting him to do it without being reminded? Or would you just expect him to get it done as part of the household administration?

No it works fine Alibaba - we have separate laundry baskets and the washing machine is always full when it goes on. There was just never a point in the relationship where we decided to combine dirty underwear :)

We've had the clean shirt argument before too!! Basically, I do everything at home and work 20 hours a week from home. He keeps leaving his shirts in the bottom of his work bag (he cycles so changes before leaving) then wonders why he has no shirts. However, anything actually in the laundry basket I do wash!!

Hunting for dirty laundry really is a step too far. I can understand someone washing what's in the basket, but having to go and check whether the person has enough clean shirts and actually keep a mental inventory of everyone's laundry requirements every week is ridiculous.

But that's why I asked whether they had an agreement that she would check and if necessary wash his shirts for him - OP said no . And she had asked him before to tell her if he was running out of shirts, so I'm assuming there wasn't an expectation that it was her responsibility to 'just know'...

Separate laundry works fine for us too - it's not a case of strictly separating it, and we both combine things to make up a load if necessary, I just naturally prioritise the stuff I know I'm going to need for the upcoming week (and presumably DH does the same).

No, no special agreement, but the shirts Were in the basket. I would normally have done them along with other washing but this weekend got swamped. Would have made special effort to do the shirts had I been alerted to the face he had none left though.

Did it pass him by that you were swamped?

Yes, he would not have particularly noticed how much washing was or was not being done over the weekend.

Really?! How inconsiderate of him not to notice! If you were so swamped and running back and forth to the machine/dryer etc you'd think he'd notice.

And help.

When I say swamped I mean our hanging dryer was full, and washing was hanging in other places in house too (too wet outdoors), plus had other stuff happening and seeing visitors etc. so wasn't doing just washing all weekend, but was busy enough not to get round to shirts. Main gripe is that I would have done them if he'd told me he needed them and I'd also have been more than happy for him to stick them in with another load himself. It's his lack of participation in the process I suppose that's annoying. Im not his mum and all that.