to feel that DH should not expect me to do everything.

[generallyadogsbody]

Basically, I am irritated because I do all the 'chores' around the house. These include cleaning, doing the dishwasher, washing clothes, all the cooking and large majority of the childcare including any night time wake ups, I also sort out packed lunches/ drop offs with cm when i am at work. I work 1 day per week plus do about 1 day's worth from home. DH works full time. His contribution is mainly in terms of keeping paperwork in order, and doing all the personal admin, plus he helps out with the children when he is here (obv he is also the main breadwinner).

This morning I was getting the kids' breakfast (had already got them up and dressed), when DH wandered downstairs looking for a shirt for work. I told him I hadn't washed any. He looked and sounded all hard done by and I'm afraid I flipped and got a bit shouty because he has been at home ALL weekend. I had, as it happened, been doing lots of washing all weekend (changed the beds and did kids clothes) and could easily have stuck a couple of shirts in if he'd just TOLD me he needed them. Or, heaven forbid, he could have WASHED some himself. So basically, AIBU to have had a bit of a rant this morning? I feel a bit mean now....

So you are taking care of business admin too? That obviously will take longer than ordinary household admin as I assume you have to take care of tax returns, NI and generally keep a track of spends so you know what's tax deductible etc?

We have an accountant of course, but yeah, whoever is in charge of admin has to make sure everything is kept together and in order so it can all be filed as and when.

But to be honest, even without work, the admin of home and DC seems enormous. So many bits of paper!!! So many bills to pay, letters/emails/phonecalls to answer...so much bloody filing.

That's interesting. I don't seem to have all of that, but I work for a company as does dh!

Hmmm, I make sure DD has enough clean shirts in her wardrobe for school and even she knows that she needs to put dirty laundry in the basket for washing (and is asked to pick it up if it is not there).

With DH, I will wash and iron his stuff if it is in the basket or he tells me it needs doing, if he is here - and if we are at his place, I tell him when I need to put a load on and he adds his in, or vice versa.

So, I am left wondering where all his dirty shirts were, if not in the laundry basket. I think if they were there, and you did the washing without asking if he needed them done too, then yes, you are being a bit unreasonable as it is just a matter of courtesy. On the other hand, he is also being unreasonable as he could have said he needed clean shirts and taken some responsibility for getting them in the machine. If they were nowhere near the laundry basket, he is being really unreasonable.

I do the majority of washing so it is my responsibility to make sure that the washing and ironing is done. And if the laundry basket if overflowing and there are no clean clothes because I just haven't done it, then yes, that would be my fault.

However, it is not my responsibility to chase up dirty laundry. I wash what is in the basket. I don't follow people round the house asking for dirty laundry.

So, my verdict is:

If his shirts were in the laundry basket and you just didn't wash them, then YABU.

If his shirts weren't in the laundry basket, YANBU.

"But to be honest, even without work, the admin of home and DC seems enormous. So many bits of paper!!! So many bills to pay, letters/emails/phonecalls to answer...so much bloody filing."

Oh gosh, heartfelt agreement wordfactory. Gosh I hate it!

OP, I know you said he is the breadwinner but you also work, right? If you work full-time, then he is being VU to expect all this to be done on top. If part-time, then can see why he'd do less than you, but not sure your current balance is fair, even so. And the 'helpless' act over the shirts is irritating. I think you need to have a full and frank discussion about who does what.

OK, so general consensus is that IABU. I will try to be more organised in future! His shirts were in the basket, but because loads of stuff got put on top of them (ds wet the bed in middle of night, both children got v muddy, DH's other non work clothes needed washing) they did not get done. I do do all of DH's washing and would never intentionally leave his stuff out of a wash. It was just that his shirts didn't get done due to other washing, and because I didn't realise he had run out I didn't worry about it.

In this house if its not in the wash basket it doesnt get washed

I take this one step further. Dirty clothes go back in their drawer if they are not in the washing machine. I didn't have to do that for long before he got the message

washing machine ? washing basket

By the way, that sounds weird as if i put the wet sheets and the muddy clothes in the wash basket. What I should have said was other washing took priority. I didn't just stick wee covered sheets and muddy shorts on top of DH's shirts in the actual basket!

I don't think you're unreasonable. If he hadn't washed any shirts, or asked you if you'd wash them for him, it sounds like his own fault that he didn't have any clean ones . Or did you have a prior agreement that it would be your 'job' to keep track of these things?

Nope Ephiny, no prior agreement. I just wash the stuff in the basket as soon as I get the chance. The only time we have ever discussed it was when I told him he will need to flag it up to me if he has no clean shirts, otherwise there is a chance they may not get done.

No, seriously, you are not being unreasonable at all. On what planet does a 40-year-old man need someone to tell him that if he uses his last clean shirt, he needs to do something about it?

What does he do when he finishes the toilet roll?

What Bonsoir said. If you have divided the tasks and you always do all the washing, then he was not unreasonable just because he did not check if you had done it as usual or not.

There are things that I usually do in our home, there are things that DH does and we assume that the other has done them, unless specified differently. In fact I would be quite pissed off if DH suddenly started asking me if I have ordered dog food (although they are his dogs too) - I always make sure we have a sufficient supply, so unless I tell him that there is a problem, he has no reason to doubt that I have taken care of it.

He does the paperwork and helps out with the kids? You are way ahead of me already (and I work three days a week!).

It's not unreasonable that you divide house tasks and that your DH trusts you to do the job unless otherwise specified. I'd imagine you'd be quite annoyed if he constantly asked you if XYZ had been done yet. Do you check each week whether he's on top of your joint admin?

However, if for whatever reasons you are feeling swamped with laundry, just ask him to help out. I'm sure he has busy weeks at work when you help out by looking after kids or taking over some stuff. In the same way, if the laundry pile is massive, just tell him and work through it together.

Sounds like a communication breakdown. If you do the washing, and usually there are clean shirts, he had a reasonable expectation that you would have cleaned his shirts. But, presumably he has more than 5 shirts, or you would have known that washing and ironing shirts was a priority every weekend.

He knew that you were doing loads of washing; maybe he assumed without checking that some of that would include his shirts. He should have checked. Even better would have been if he'd said on Friday, "this is my last clean shirt, are you washing this weekend or shall I stick some in?" My response up to Sunday morning would be "no problem, I'll do it," followed by "please will you ask your mum if we can borrow her tumbledryer" given the weather. Sunday night/ Monday morning, response would be "sorry, no, didn't know you'd run out, there's Febreeze in the cupboard under the sink!" If he didn't sort out using MIL's tumbledryer, the shirts would remain wet and that would be his problem.

I agree that he can/should remind you without nagging; also that he should own more than five work shirts.

Sympathy on the wet sheets etc all coming at once, on wet days when you can't use the washing line outside. Bloody typical!

when h lived here, I was responsible for doing all the washing (cheaper than buying replacement clothes) but he was responsible for asking for a particular item to be washed if he particularly needed it, getting them to the heap laundry bin and putting them away once washed.

yanbu

YANBU - up to him to make sure there are clean shirts there.

I have to pick up on this. Ruthless - if he only has one pair of trousers, why is it your responsibility to get them clean and ironed over the weekend?

I do all the laundry in our house, or at least I am in charge of it, DH loads the machine, hangs it out etc if it is waiting to be done and he is around. He knows that anything not in the basket doesn't get washed, it is as simple as that.

his shirts were in the laundry basket but didnt get washed!

Seona is right - they were in there but other things got washed first. Basically I think that I should have got them washed, but it would be helpful if he could alert me that he's down to his last one (I have asked him to do this before).

This idea that both parties should get equal leisure time is fine if worked our over the long haul. If, however, a SAHP is demanding equal leisure time in the pre school years but intends to continue to be a SAHP when their children are all at school, that is unfair as their partner will continue to work full time when they have tons of leisure. Equally, if one partner has worked far harder pre children to build up money which is now equally shared, they are entitled to some additional leisure to compensate for the fact that they worked harder earlier in their lives.

I am all for equal leisure but that does not mean equal over the short term.

However, in this thread the OP is being unreasonable as washing and ironing is a job that is hers by agreement and, to me, that means having clean ironed shirts available when needed.