My ex husbands GF has cut my sons hair!!

[SOULofLOVE]

I need some opinions on this please!
My ex brought back my sons this morning and my oldest had had all his lovely locks shaved off!! I was close to tears. And then to add insult to injury, the cut was done by his girlfriend.
I feel violated. I know that sounds a strong word but i do. We dont have the best of relationships as it is (he left with no warning when I was pregnant with 2nd son which we had planned, moved in round the corner with the woman he was having affair with, denied pregnancy, didnt see new baby for the first 6 months of his life, and now that the my son is 17 months he is taking me to court for 50 50 custody. He already gets 40% over 2 weeks). So its a very very caustic situation right now. Right in the middle of heated horrible expensive court battles.
This feels like a final straw to me. She knew exactly what she was doing.
What do I do? If i roll over and do nothing it just perpetuates this feeling of my impotance and low self esteem. If I get angry and (do what? i dont know) then all that that achieves is further animosity and negative feelings all round. I feel trapped. and my thoughts escalate out of control and I start thinking I will always live in this ground hog day of spending all my energies fending off these awful situations.
I hope someone has some answers.

To be fair, if someone posted:

'My bf is married but divorcing - he left his wife for me. His sons were with us yesterday, & bf noticed that ds1's hair was quite long - he asked me to cut it. I buzzed it really short, & now bf's xtbxw is furious'...

...I think most would say she was a loon for going anywhere near the kid's hair!

So I can completely see why OP is furious - I'd be incandescent I think. Not sure there's anything to be done though, & I'd certainly suspect it was being done for provocation so best not give them the satisfaction...

so let say the OPs ex husband went ballastic because the OP got her new bloke who may or may not be a barber to clipper her sons hair? Would you all be suggesting she expect a visit from the police as she has allowed her son to be assaulted?

No, thought not.

Mn should be renamed Hysteria Central

A very frothy thread... But hardly a word from op

So the guy is like my son needs a haircut look at how long it is, i'll ask my gf to do it shes good with the old clippers save his mum the job and some cash. win win

^most likely scenario

Mumsnet scenario

Fuck his mother i know just how much she loves her childs curls so i'm going to assault him with clippers. I'm going to get the evil bitch i ran away with to do it and shes not just going to trim it shes going to shave his head like 90% of boys do mwhahahahahaha that will show her!

When Siena Miller cut Sadie Frost's son's hair, Jude Law made Siena apologise to Sadie. i find the Daily Mail sidebar an essential tool in the setting of my moral compass

But if you were the gf, would you not tell your bf: 'I don't bloody think so, his mum obviously likes him shaggy or she'd've got his hair cut already - take him to a hairdressers or do it yourself if you must but I'm having none of it!'

If only to save yourself the aggravation of bf's ex hating you more than she does already...

I think OP has a point tbh, it was a crap thing for her ex to have done without asking first. But if the gf did the shearing, she's either a bit dim or looking to pick a fight.

Last year, DSS1 needed a haircut and his mother got a mate of her's who (allegedly) trained as a hairdresser to cut it. When we collected DSS1 & 2 to take them home (DP has custody), we nearly fell over hysterical over how bad it was (dodgy shaved sides, but left long on top & down back). DSS1 insisted we bought a hat to cover his head as soon as we got into town to do the shopping, and when we got home he asked me to fix it as best as I could. Since then, we've bought a set of clippers and I do DSS1 & 2's hair every 2-3 months.

What would make her think that's ok!
He should be looking after his son when he has him not his gf! She's nothing to do with your son.
Ask him to take ds out on his own or come visit him at yours?

I'm sorry this upset you, I can totally see how you feel, I bet many of us would be angry/upset if we were in that position.

However, as many have pointed out, he is his father and with joint custody he gets to choose stuff like this. In an ideal world the parents would agree and consider each other as well as the child, but it doesn't sound like you have that relationship.

(I have unilaterally decided to cut my (11yo) son's hair without his permission. It was growing longish, ratty, uneven and consistently unshampooed/brushed. He screamed if I tried to brush it. I gave him the choice of either making sure it was done every morning or it needed to be cut. He didn't take care of it so it got cut. His choice of style/length, me cutting.)