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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think other than the obvious reasons , smacking children is bad because..

76 replies

lastnerve · 15/07/2012 08:35

It's actually quite lazy....

I can't articulate my point of view the smackers of the world though, and how a smack 'makes them learn' or 'it never did me any harm' responses.

AIBU to think being very smacky is too quick and easy and doesn't really count as discipline??

OP posts:
seeker · 15/07/2012 08:36

You are not being unreasonable

TheFallenMadonna · 15/07/2012 08:40

I suppose whether it counts as discipline depends on how effective it is in developing desirable behaviours.

Sirzy · 15/07/2012 08:42

Yanbu. I think MOST times a child needs some sort of explanation and calm punishment. Surely smacking just aggregates the situation more?

Original poster
lastnerve · 15/07/2012 08:44

Yes totally I think it HAS to be a last resort and with a warning otherwise all they know is that they are being hit.

I try and say that in real life I just get blank expressions.

OP posts:
Jacanne · 15/07/2012 08:45

Nope - I agree -although I do think that smacking can be a loss of control, at wits end type of reaction. The only time I have ever done it was when DD was 3 and ran straight for the road - I just caught her in time and I was beside myself - not a reasonable reaction at all and one I apologised for immediately.

I think you're right about habitual smackers though. It is lazy and pointless - I don't want to teach my child that physical violence is the answer to anything.

thebody · 15/07/2012 08:45

Smacking is lazy stupid and ineffective parenting ( as well as horrible).

Clear consistent boundaries with sanctions and rewards. Simple really...

CailinDana · 15/07/2012 08:51

IME some people want to smack their children and will continue doing it no matter how many alternatives they're given. It gives them a sense of satisfaction and to a degree they enjoy it because they feel in control and powerful when they do it. Regular smacking in this context is a sort of masturbation exercise for the parent, they don't do it for the child's benefit they do it for themselves.

It's a rare parent that hasn't smacked in utter frustration. It's understandable, and most parents in that situation will apologise and feel awful. Most children will feel aggrieved but understand and forget about it.

HandMadeTail · 15/07/2012 08:52

I never thought of it like this, but yes, it does seem like the easy way out!

In fact, I have discussed it with "smacker" who asked "But how do you get them to behave?" And there is no easy answer to that, because you have to do all the positive reinforcement, ensuring they live with the consequences of their actions and so on. It's not about a simple threat.

To me discipline is about self-discipline. I am always trying to consider how to ensure they will continue to behave well, long after my ability to physically control them would be over. (And at 13, 11 and 8 I would now not be in a position to physically control them, even if I wanted to.)

God, no wonder I find this parenting malarkey a faff! Should've just beaten the crap out of 'em! Wink

Iggly · 15/07/2012 08:52

I agree with Jacanne.

DS was pushing DD (7 months) head back and it looked awful. He wouldnt stop so I had to use my hand to swipe his away. No amount of talk would stop him. I would never smack otherwise and felt shit afterwards. I didn't hit him to hurt, just hit his hand away, which was the only thing I could do to stop him.

SlimJimBra · 15/07/2012 08:55

It's so hard to articulate why I don't want to smack ds because I dont entirely disagree with smacking. The biggest reason for me is that it would be too easy to escalate the severity of a smack in order to still get the same amount of reaction. I remember as a child thinking that a smack wasn't that bad and a punishment worth paying when I really wanted to do something I knew was naughty. In order to get me 'fearful' of being told off the smack would have had to be more violent/ scary than it was and I really don't want my child living in fear of me. But that said if my mum hadn't smacked me for everything then it wouldn't have lost it's scaryness and it would have worked....

bignutbrownhair · 15/07/2012 08:57

thebody sanctions and rewards are so last year - its all about unconditional parenting now innit, where kids just behave themselves, well, just because.

Original poster
lastnerve · 15/07/2012 08:57

I have done it out of utter frustration before and felt awful, looking back I was in a very bad place at the time and it refelcted more a lack or of control over myself/situation. I didn't have they mental/physical energy to discipline how I wanted too.

I wonder how many women find themselves in that situation.

OP posts:
HandMadeTail · 15/07/2012 08:57

I agree, Jacanne, and Cailin, most parents (and not me Blush ) could ever say they have never smacked. But the important thing is not to use it as a calculated form of discipline. And obviously to apologise! Well, we would expect them to apologise if they hit us, wouldn't we.

toomuch2young · 15/07/2012 08:59

Smacking a child's hand away from doing something dangerous is the only time smacking should even be considered. Eg like instances above or in the case of going to touch something hot etc.

You dont go round smacking fully grown adults who are not behaving acceptably. Why on earth would you smack your small dc who you love more than the world?!

It teaches violence is an acceptable reaction, represents a loss of control and does not have a place in loving parenting IMO.

HandMadeTail · 15/07/2012 09:03

Interesting, SlimJim. When I first decided not to smack, the main reason was that I was concerned that if it became the norm to give a "little smack", when I was really angry, it would be so conditioned in me that I would be really physically violent.

The rest of the reasons followed with more thought and reading. Partly this was to be able to justify this decision to other family members, including DH, who, like me, had been smacked as a child, and felt it to be "normal".

UnChartered · 15/07/2012 09:05

i cannot understand the wanting to physically hurt someone who is invariably smaller, more vulnerable and who looks up to you for guidance and nurturing

i have smacked my DCs, and now realise it was when I'D lost control of myself, not of them

if you need to discipline your children with violence, you're out of control.

DollysDrawers · 15/07/2012 09:07

YANBU at all. I have never got the smacking thing, it makes no sense to me to hit my kids to 'teach them a lesson'. Slapping a child's hand away from a dangerous situation or lashing out in fear is not the same as making a decision to smack a child as a punishment. Not brilliant, but not the same thing. I had a conversation with a very lovely lady who choses to smack her children as she feels it 'shows them who is in control'. While I like this woman very much and she is a great mum (we do disagree on this issue though), my response to that is that I think it shows that you have lost control.

You do realise there will be someone along in a minute accusing all non smackers of being namby pamby softies who have unruly children don't you? Smile

Original poster
lastnerve · 15/07/2012 09:10

The worst behaved children are often the most smacked or they are scared quiet children who become violent adults , their are exceptions.

My ds has special needs and has a tendency to lash out etc very hyper, I wouldn't have even risked how being a 'smacky' parent would have possibly effected him.

OP posts:
seeker · 15/07/2012 09:11

I haven't read the thread, but has anyone talked about children running out into the road or putting their fingers into electric sockets yet? If so, I claim my £5.

lovebunny · 15/07/2012 09:13

dolphins apparently nip the fins of their offspring if they step (swim?) out of line...

CailinDana · 15/07/2012 09:15

What's your point lovebunny?

UnChartered · 15/07/2012 09:18

dolphins also batter intruders to death with their noses..point being?

toomuch2young · 15/07/2012 09:22

Male dolphins sometimes eat their offspring - I think ill avoid the dolphin parenting manual thanks - plus have you ever persuaded dc's to eat raw fish?! Wink

seeker · 15/07/2012 09:25

Oh and I get another £5 when somebody refers to it as "tapping". £10 for "a loving tap"

UnChartered · 15/07/2012 09:27

you get a keyring for a 'short sharp shock' too seeker

why not wire DCs up to the mains, you can have the button installed in your chair arm Wink