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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think other than the obvious reasons , smacking children is bad because..

76 replies

lastnerve · 15/07/2012 08:35

It's actually quite lazy....

I can't articulate my point of view the smackers of the world though, and how a smack 'makes them learn' or 'it never did me any harm' responses.

AIBU to think being very smacky is too quick and easy and doesn't really count as discipline??

OP posts:
DollysDrawers · 15/07/2012 09:28

Yes seeker I always think the term 'loving tap' is a good un.

SlimJimBra · 15/07/2012 09:29

HandMadeTail (great name btw) what do you say to others then? I need to explain to others including my mum that I won't be smacking ds but my reason is difficult to explain succinctly. It's mostly just a feeling about it at the moment as ds isn't quite 2 and not being too naughty (yet)

Original poster
lastnerve · 15/07/2012 09:32

I have the same dilemma SlimJimBra,

I just think its wrong for several reasons.

OP posts:
Triggles · 15/07/2012 09:32

You couldn't just do a search for the other 6 million and 12 threads on this and read it?? Nothing better to do? Hmm

SecretPlace · 15/07/2012 09:33

Not even going to get involved with this one because I'm okay with smacking, in a controlled manner.

And yes I'm one of the 'it didnt do me any harm'. :)

hairylemon · 15/07/2012 09:33

Yanbu if someone is very smacky, however I have no problem if its used in extreme circumstances eg darting into roads

UnChartered · 15/07/2012 09:35

house!

hairylemon · 15/07/2012 09:35

Ahhh there's yer fiver seeker

alana39 · 15/07/2012 09:40

When I have been asked by a friend who smacks why I don't I explained the effect it had on me as a child.

I was smacked occasionally, with a warning that this would be the result if I didn't do X or stop doing Y or whatever.

I can still remember thinking "oh really?" and carrying on with whatever it was that I was doing. I got smacked, and I still didn't stop.

Eventually my parents worked out they were not going to winWink.

I haven't smacked my children because this pops back into my head every time I get close to losing it. They are stubborn little buggers just like their mother though and naughty steps and most other punishments meet with the same reaction I gave my parents.

They aren't that bad but generally only respond well to positive reinforcement.

CailinDana · 15/07/2012 09:40

SlimJim, all I say is "I wouldn't hurt a child." There's no sensible response to that. If they say "it doesn't hurt" then say "so, what, you touch them? How does that work?" If they say "it only hurts for a second" you just reiterate, "I wouldn't hurt a child." No other explanation needed.

If it's a relative who actually wants to smack your child then I wouldn't allow that relative to be alone with the child, and if they smacked in my presence I would stop contact with the relative.

SlimJimBra · 15/07/2012 09:46

I'm not worried about anyone else smacking ds -though as mil looks after him regularly I guess I should discuss our choice of discipline with her- it's more that I want to justify my feelings on this subject without opening a can of worms with my mum.

CailinDana · 15/07/2012 09:47

Why do you feel the need to justify yourself SlimJim?

BertieBotts · 15/07/2012 09:48

It's the main reason I don't, because I know I'd get lazy with it and use it every time he was being merely annoying which isn't fair.

In more general terms, it's too short term - it doesn't do anything to show them why something is wrong, or what to do instead, so it doesn't make sense as a teaching tool. What it is really is revenge - you've upset me, so I'm going to hurt you to make you feel bad. (Same for any punishment which is just supposed to make the child feel bad, and has no other purpose.)

Don't take your child's behaviour personally, see it as what it is - that they are less mature than you - and use it as a learning/guiding opportunity, and you won't need to use arbitrary punishments. (Which doesn't mean you'll never lose your temper!)

SlimJimBra · 15/07/2012 09:48

To expand - I'd want mil to enforce our style of discipline (be it time out/ naughty step or positive reinforcement or whatever) so DS has consistency.

SlimJimBra · 15/07/2012 09:49

Because I feel I have to justify most of my parenting!

CailinDana · 15/07/2012 09:51

You don't SlimJim, you can just say "I'm his mother and this is the way I do it." Is your mother critical of you?

SlimJimBra · 15/07/2012 09:54

Not particularly, just she and mil both take it personally if I don't choose to do exactly as they did when bringing up me and dh. I managed to insult my ils because i was looking at extended rear facing car seats [boggle]

CailinDana · 15/07/2012 09:56

That sort of reaction is really common SlimJim, you have to try to ignore it or it'll drive you mental. Their reaction is their own problem, you don't have to justify anything.

ByTheWay1 · 15/07/2012 09:57

mmmmm - no it's much "better" to take away their favourite thing and make them think if you are bigger you can take stuff away, or send them to their room for a time out, so you can't even bear to be with them, making it seem you can withdraw love, or verbally abuse with the "how could you do that, that is horrible" making you seem abnormal - things I suffered with and had my self esteem knocked back to zero with as a child.....

I was a short-sharp-shocker.... I probably smacked my kids 3-5 times in total before the age of reasoning... maybe my kids are good now because I just have "good kids" who knows... but they are confident well behaved and "nice"

So go on folks - have fun with the smackers bingo.... just make sure your punishment is "better".......

CailinDana · 15/07/2012 10:01

So are those things the only alternative to smacking ByTheWay? Do you think people who don't smack are automatically nasty to their children?

SlimJimBra · 15/07/2012 10:02

By looking at rf for our car apparently I implied that the ff britax one they chose ( "because it's the same brand as we bought for our kids") wasnt safe. I also upset her by bfing because she didn't manage it and I struggled but stuck with it and am still feeding him. (I realise I'm lucky with bfing and it is an emotive issue, it's just how this tiptoe-ing around them has been going on right from the start)

megandraper · 15/07/2012 10:03

I don't even agree with 'smacking' a hand away when something dangerous is happening.

If my toddler was pushing my baby, I would lift him up and move him away, then tell him off.

If my child was running into the road or something like that, I would grab them, not smack them.

I don't really get the idea at all.

CailinDana · 15/07/2012 10:07

It's kind of you to worry about their feelings SlimJim but there's a point at which you have to say "not my problem" and just ignore. MIL had some issues around bfing and used to assume I would give up early like she did. She would make endless comments about having to stop when DS got teeth (I think this is a belief among the older generation) and I just nodded and smiled and even outright lied to her. When she realised I just wasn't listening she just gave up and these days she just tends to go with what I say (apart from with bibs but that's a whole other ridiculous story).

ByTheWay1 · 15/07/2012 10:29

Cailin..... no I don't think they are the only alternatives, but time out and removal of a favourite toy/games console seem to be the punishments used by a lot of my contemporaries - they do not have physical effect, but the mental effects can be lasting. One friend has a son (now aged 10!!) who delights in taking things away from other kids - guess what his punishment always was as a toddler.....

OP - I think it is lovely that you are taking your folks feelings into consideration - after all, they raised you to be a caring person, so they can't have done too much wrong.... they are just as entitled to their opinion as you are, but YOU are the mum, so what you say goes! You do not have to justify anything to them, just persist...

SlimJimBra · 15/07/2012 10:32

Haha I got the teeth one too! Still going at 21 mo and I think they've come to realise that the only person whose opinion counts on this issue is ds!