To think other than the obvious reasons , smacking children is bad because..

[lastnerve]

It's actually quite lazy....

I can't articulate my point of view the smackers of the world though, and how a smack 'makes them learn' or 'it never did me any harm' responses.

AIBU to think being very smacky is too quick and easy and doesn't really count as discipline??

If you smack them - why would you want to hurt your child.

If it "doesnt hurt" - well then what exactly is the point.
It's the being scared of the smack - So you want your child to be frightened of you?
It teaches them right from wrong - by you carrying out a wrongful act on them?

I just keep on this loop til whoever I am speaking with shuts up.

I was smacked as a kid, and no it didn't do me any harm (beyond genuine confusion as to why I couldn't smack my younger siblings) but it didn't do me any good either. I'd tantrum then do whatever I'd done again the next week. Apart from anything else it seems a pretty ineffective punishment.

I was smacked as a child. Resented it - remember feeling very angry that my parents could hit me just because they were bigger. We don't smack ds although I did once lose my rag with him when he was a toddler and I was trying desperately to get out of the house in time for something. I felt terrible and cuddled and apologised for ages - have never done it again.

However, I do think parents who tell children off at huge length and go on and on and on are bloody irritating too. Just tell them off and get it over with, fgs!

Op this has been done to death some people do it some people dont the fact is their are worde things people do to their children
I have read serval thread were people shag in same bed as their children which i thinki way worse

We know some people dont like it and some people think its fine its not agaisnt the law you just started a thread so people can go oh yes how awful

Yawn

I have a strong memory of my mum smacking a sibling in anger whilst saying "Don't hit". Its amazing how young I could recognise irony...

I also recognise that non-physical punishments can be damaging (my dad was a shouter) so I will avoid using them. But that doesn't make physical punishments okay.

Its interesting that the people who use the argument that 'smacking never did them any harm' fail to realise that I consider their lack of empathy for a child being physically assulted by an adult does constitute harm.

I also agree with the other poster who said that they are baffled by the in dangerous situations its justified argument - because my instinct would be to protect, not punish them.

I want my child to associate my hands with kindness, affection and helpfulness. Not with pain, humiliation or punishment. That's reason enough not to smack in my opinion.

You really don't need to justify your parenting decisions to others, if family takes it as a criticism of how they parent(ed) that's their problem. Though I anticipate this might be difficult, I'm sensitive to the feelings of others too.

Mrbojangles1 Said it best

Triggles Sigh thank you.

I was smacked as a child, and while I bear my mum no resentment (she was doing what she thought best and the rest of the time was very fair and brilliant) I am rubbish at confrontation and I think this might be why - because of the whole "talking back" thing, I never know what's reasonable/assertiveness and what's crossing the line into "might offend person enough to attack me"

bojangles how is smacking the same as having sex in front of your children :O

I seen a dad punch his ds in the face in asda one day years ago.

Not the same I know but it got me thinking about it.

8 years later I still feel bad for not calling the police

Wonder what that boy has grown up to be like

Slim I'd say you need to stop tip-toeing, so far it sounds like you haven't done anything in order to offend the GPs, rather they take offence at the slightest hint that you and DH have grown-up ( how dare you!) and are raising a child yourselves

Back to the topic. I also disagree with smacking, but have reacted to extreme situations. Oddly though not with what most people would consider a smack. When DD2 put her fingers on the hob I grabed her hand and yanked it back, I've also grabed and yanked DD1 to get her out of danger. Not smacking as such, but still a violent reaction resulting in distressed DDs and distraught mother.

So what form of discipline won't mentally scar my children for life? I'm confused now!

"Mrbojangles1 Said it best"

MrBojangles1 talks crap.

I'm not altogether against smacking; but I don't do it and I don't know ANYONE who does....do yous really know people who use smacking as a regular and routine method of discipline?

smacking is no different to other disciplinary measures ones negative reinforcement others are positive reinforcement.

They all have pros and cons

the only thing that makes either punishment or reward work is that the child has to understand why it is happening, it has to be consistent and imediate.

I can count on one hand how many times I was smacked by my parents and I've never smacked my DCs and hope I never do tbh. But, I remember my dad saying that (and I think he got this from Dr Spock but could be wrong)
"you should only smack in anger".

At the time I didn't really get it but I gradually realised what that meant. On the very few occasions dad smacked us he would then come and apologise after, he had done it in anger and on reflection felt it was wrong and made that clear to us.

Smacking after reflecting, ie as a thought-through punishment is a completely different thing and is imo wrong.

FWIW my dad was punished in this way by my (I always thought lovely ) Granda and I think it really scarred their relationship.

I am rubbish at confrontation and I think this might be why - because of the whole "talking back" thing, I never know what's reasonable/assertiveness and what's crossing the line into "might offend person enough to attack me"

Thaank you so much, I have wondered why I can't do conflict IRL - this is probably it.

My parents were lazy and ineffective parents. They smacked, slapped, lashed out, dragged me up the stairs by my hair, threw me across the room. They mocked and humiliated me. They taunted and goaded me. They locked me in the porch and out in the back garden in all weathers. Smacking was just one element of their shit parents arsenal. On the surface, they looked perfectly reasonable and MC, but scratch the surface and you discover why I'm such a wreck today.

I am rubbish at confrontation and I think this might be why - because of the whole "talking back" thing, I never know what's reasonable/assertiveness and what's crossing the line into "might offend person enough to attack me" yes, me too.

The fear I feel at work/socially of 'being in trouble' is overwhelming. I'm 38 and yet I can feel the anxiety fear rising up inside me to the point where I can feel that I am losing control of my arms and legs.

They never once explained, were never calm, never allowed me a neutral way out - to back down with dignity, never enabled me to make a 'good choice'.

My husband's experience was similar. We were both scared of our parents. Scared in our homes. Spent most of our childhoods being scared.

We never smack our children. People always compliment us on their behaviour and tell us how 'lucky' we are that they are good. We aren't lucky! It was hard work. It would have been far easier to smack them into submission and obedience, but instead we give them the space to feel angry, and the responsibility to control their own behaviour. We make our expectations clear, and explain consequences. We always follow through on sanctions. It's not the easiest approach.

I'm sure people who got the odd slap on the back of the hand or clothed bottom don't see the problem with smacking, but that isn't the experience I or many other people had.

I was still smacked as a punishment when I was 17 (not just because I 'never learned' but because the list of things that were considered 'naughty' knew no bounds). Although, as I was old/big enough by then to fight back, as you can probably imagine, it did look a lot more like a fight. I'm 5 foot 3, my dad is 6 foot 3. Sometimes I grabbed a shoe or something near me to give me a better chance. Then they treated me like a criminal if I managed to use it to fight him off.

Well done to my parents. You must be so proud.

Sorry for your experience FolkGirl,

I had a 'smack first think later parent and one who really had to pushed to smack was more inclined to send me to my room. I have more respect for the latter.

Thanks lastnerve

Sorry, I do tend to see these threads as therapy .

I'm not surprised you have more respect for the latter.

My dad was the main 'punisher'. My mother was just the enabler once I'd got to about 10.

The last time we had a conversation about it (just before we cut contact with her altogether) I asked her why she let it happen and accused her of not caring about me otherwise she'd have stopped it. She told me that she did find it upsetting when it happened:

"That is why I used to leave the room so that I didn't have to see it. It was bad enough hearing it". I think those words will be etched onto my memory forever.

My dad apologised when I was 24. I still have a relationship with him. I don't ever intend to see my mother again.

Its interesting that you will still see your dad but not your mum, but yes that response was awful.

a lot of women don't grasp they have a duty to protect.

but I also get they power dynamic once having children does change. But its still no excuse.

There was one woman we knew who's husband was nasty towards the kids, my mum reminded her that in the eyes of the law she was just as guilty as she was failing her duty to protect. funny how proactive she became after that.

It's interesting. I think it's because I can explain (although not excuse) why my dad did it and rationalise it. As an adult, and I've come to understand my mother as a person rather than just 'mummy', I can see a very dysfunctional side to her.

When I was 17 I had a friend whose mum worked with 'battered women'. I asked her what prompted those women to finally leave and she said it was when the husband hit the child. It was almost as though they thought "you can do what you want to me, but you are not harming my child". I just thought at that point that my mother was in the opposite camp - you can do what you want to my child, so long as I'm ok. So yes, that's exactly what you say about the duty to protect and just not 'getting it'

Other things have come to light since.

My dad made a mistake, my mother is a piece of shit.

Last time I 'smacked' was when DD2 was 4 (now 7) and she made a break for the road. Entirely my fault, and I reacted in pure shock as a driver actually had to slam his brakes on. I smacked her bum and she got such a shock (I had never ever smacked her before) promptly held her breath until she collapsed in the street.

Bad parent of the year award was a shoo in that year... Not my proudest moment tbh, fairly certain that DD didn't gain much from the experience either. So no, not my style of discipline but I appreciate other parents don't have to feel the same way.

It counts as discipline if it works.
Smacking was something I only resorted to after I had tried a lot of other options. And I didn't keep it up if it didn't work.
So not lazy option. Lazy would be no discipline at all.

The only and only time my parents smacked me was after I kept escaping to run around in the streets at 5am (I was 2-3yo at the time). My parents were tired of me being brought home in police cars. They had tried loads of other things first. So it was a last resort very thought out tactic on their part that went against all their principles. It worked, I stopped escaping.

MissPants I don't think anyone judges those kind of reactions. that's not the behaviour of a habitual smacker.

*Don'tEat- but if you've tried other options you are of course not lazy.
its lazy if its the only way a parent chooses then they are lazy.