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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say I just don't want to do this?

67 replies

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 13:16

My sister is getting married very soon and my neices (brothers two children & another on the way any day now) are to be bridesmaids. We've all know about the wedding for over a year and it will involve going away to the location for a week for the rehearsals etc.

We've all had our accommodation booked for months and have paid deposits but my brother has had to pull out last minute to be blunt it is his own fault he won't be able to afford to go because he's been gambling (long story) and has got himself into a heap of debt borrowing money. So now they won't be coming. ATM he's saying he will drive down just for the wedding day.

My sister has asked me to look after my neices for the week so that they can still come and I don't want to do it.

They are 3 and 4 and I have a 4 year old boy who is a handful enough for me I need eyes in the back of my head and I just won't be able to cope with 3 kids. When I have them overnight my partner is here and we are exhausted by the end of the evening and my partner will not be coming to the wedding so it will just be me. They are well behaved girls but when the two of them get together with my son they all go wild. I only have a double bed in my room as it is which I'm going to share with my son so there is hardly any space. I realise typing this that i sound very selfish but I just don't think I'm up to being responsible for 3 small children for a whole week.

I am also slightly annoyed about a few things which I wont' go into but things people have done make me think 'why should I'.

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 14/07/2012 13:19

Why do you have to look after them for a whole week? A wedding is one day....

Can't you rope someone else in to help you? Your mum, a sister, an auntie....one of the other bridesmaids?

Sounds like a very easily solved problem to me

NotGeoffVader · 14/07/2012 13:19

I don't think it's unreasonable for you not to want to look after two extra children for a whole week on your own. If you had offered to look after them whilst their mother was having their sibling and then reneged, that would be different.
Is there nobody else from the family that can help out with the children? If you knew there were two or three trustworthy adults then splitting the childcare between you would be tiring, but do-able, I think.

GeneHuntsMistress · 14/07/2012 13:19

Why can't your brother bring them if he is driving up for the wedding day? Also it would ensure he HAS to come, as it sounds from your OP that this is doubtful, so he won't have an excuse to drop out then.

Lucyellensmum99 · 14/07/2012 13:20

YANBU your sister is going to have to find an alternative. But i suppose this is what happens when people have massively OTT weddings that involve having to have people stay in hotels etc when they can't afford it. I would have to opt out of that too.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 14/07/2012 13:20

Where does your sister propose they sleep? Is there no one else that will be there that can share the responsibilty? It does sound like she's asking quite a lot.

CadleCrap · 14/07/2012 13:20

Why is your DP not going to the wedding if it is your Dsis's wedding?

McHappyPants2012 · 14/07/2012 13:23

yanbu it is a big ask.

and no it a complete sentance as voted by MN :)

SweetBabyJebus · 14/07/2012 13:23

YANBU at all. The kids can come down with their father on the day, or possibly the day before if needed for rehearsals. If your sister really wants them there let her take care of them! It would be one thing if you had volunteered to take them of your own accord, but i would hate to have my services offered by someone else.

Plus, you and three under 5's in the same room? I'd lose my mind!

What does your brother think of your sisters' suggestion?

Original poster

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 13:23

I suggested to my sister that my nephew and his girlfriend (her son) could have them for one of the days but she said no because they will be wanting to get drunk etc. My sisters partner has told her under no uncertain terms that they are not doing it as it's their wedding. There really isn't anyone else as most of the people coming have never met the girls there isn't anyone from our side of the family.

OP posts:

Ithinkitsjustme · 14/07/2012 13:25

Niether of you are being U, in my opinion. She wants your nieces there - for obvious reasons and she can't be responsible for them herself - again for obvious reasons so she has asked you if you would mind. You don't want to be responsible for them, again, a perfectly reasonable response. The only issue would be if you were made to feel like you are in the wrong. The ONLY person to blame is your brother. Sounds like it's up to you whether you agree or not, just a possiblity, is there any way you could have them for a couple of days, but not the whole week?

Catsdontcare · 14/07/2012 13:26

I know they are supposed to be bridesmaids but do they really have to be there? They're so young they aren't going to know they've missed it

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 13:27

Stand up for yourself and say a firm no. Everyone else is saying 'no'. You can too

It's one day. One. Bet the royal wedding didn't even need all this madness

Nancy66 · 14/07/2012 13:27

why can't their father drive them down in the morning when he drives himself?

Original poster

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 13:29

cadlecrap Sorry my dp is coming just for the wedding day but not for the whole week as it didn't seem worth him having the time off work, I have to go for a week for the rehearsal and to help to set things up or the day.

lucyellen that is in part why I'm annoyed it's all cost a fortune that I couldn't really afford plus I've had to cancel my own arrangements such as ds clubs to go to dress fitings etc my dp has been working and noone would take my ds for a few hours so am slightly peeved over that.

sweetbaby my brother doesn't know yet that this is what she wants to do.

OP posts:

Sallyingforth · 14/07/2012 13:30

But i suppose this is what happens when people have massively OTT weddings that involve having to have people stay in hotels etc when they can't afford it.

Bravo! This huge wedding business is getting out of hand IMO. Not only do the couple (or their parents) spend 10 or 20k or more but they expect friends and relatives to spend large amounts as well. And 40% of lavish weddings are wasted when the marriages break up.

DontmindifIdo · 14/07/2012 13:31

say no, you dont want to do this. As it stands, it will be a nice trip for you and your DS, if you add in your DNs it becomes a chore. As you've said, he now can't afford it, dispite having confirmed he would go because he has made poor choices, why should you have your break ruined in order to cushion the rest of the family from your brother's poor choices? It's not right that it becomes your problem, you aren't the one who can't afford to go, and you're not the bride who wants them there.

If your sister wants her DNs there so that they can be bridesmaids, she needs to offer to pay for your brother to go. Could they just go for the day/over night of the wedding without a rehersal? (little ones don't really need to have a rehersal). Your Sister could pay for a room for her brother with his DCs in it for the night of the wedding, the night before as well if need be and he could drive them up and back then without anyone else having to look after them. If she's not going to do that, she's not all that fussed about them being there...

NotGeoffVader · 14/07/2012 13:32

I missed the bit where your brother is driving down on the morning. Why can't they just come with him, for the day? At their age, rehearsals will mean nothing anyway.

Saying that other people won't want to childmind because they want to get drunk ? Then drunk people who could be responsible and helpful ABU.

Sassybeast · 14/07/2012 13:34

YANBU and it's really unfair of people to expect you to do it.

Original poster

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 13:34

dontmind that hasn't been suggested but basically the rehearsal is 4 days before the wedding and she is adamant that she wants them there or else they won't know what to do on the day she's also worried it will all go pear shape as the kids won't perorm because they will be excited. Personally i think they should just come for the day when their dad does but my sister is not happy with this and I think she's also worried he won't even make it for the day as he's in such a mess.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 14/07/2012 13:40

Say you've discussed it with your brother and he's not happy with the girls being away for a week so it's not happening and the bride will have to try and survive this unfortunate set of circumstances.

DontmindifIdo · 14/07/2012 13:40

oh, she's being a bridezilla! A rehersal 4 days before, not just the night before? She's making people spend a fortune. Say no. She wants to throw a big event, then she can pay for it. (Personally, i'd be saying you can't afford to stay that long so now will just be arriving the night before and leaving the day after, but then I don't pander to bridezillas)

If she's worried he won't make it for the day, she could quite easily just offer to pay for a hotel the night before. A family room for 1 or 2 nights won't cost that much.

Hold firm, she wants a dream day, she pays for it. She's not prepared to pay for it, she has to accept that this is her big day, but not all that important to other people.

ThisLittleTeddyBear · 14/07/2012 13:41

What will the girl's mother be doing?

Sallyingforth · 14/07/2012 13:42

These DCs are 3 and 4. They are expected to learn what to do at a rehearsal and then repeat it in the middle of an elaborate ceremony 4 days later? I think that's a bit optimistic to say the least.

Original poster

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 13:44

teddybear she won't go if my brother doesn't go as she doesn't drive and will have the new baby.

OP posts:

SweetBabyJebus · 14/07/2012 13:45

Ha! My children don't remember instructions from 5 minutes ago, never mind 4 days! Your sister needs a wake up call.

Besides, chances are one or both if them will have a melt down and refuse to walk up the aisle anyway !

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