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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say I just don't want to do this?

67 replies

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 13:16

My sister is getting married very soon and my neices (brothers two children & another on the way any day now) are to be bridesmaids. We've all know about the wedding for over a year and it will involve going away to the location for a week for the rehearsals etc.

We've all had our accommodation booked for months and have paid deposits but my brother has had to pull out last minute to be blunt it is his own fault he won't be able to afford to go because he's been gambling (long story) and has got himself into a heap of debt borrowing money. So now they won't be coming. ATM he's saying he will drive down just for the wedding day.

My sister has asked me to look after my neices for the week so that they can still come and I don't want to do it.

They are 3 and 4 and I have a 4 year old boy who is a handful enough for me I need eyes in the back of my head and I just won't be able to cope with 3 kids. When I have them overnight my partner is here and we are exhausted by the end of the evening and my partner will not be coming to the wedding so it will just be me. They are well behaved girls but when the two of them get together with my son they all go wild. I only have a double bed in my room as it is which I'm going to share with my son so there is hardly any space. I realise typing this that i sound very selfish but I just don't think I'm up to being responsible for 3 small children for a whole week.

I am also slightly annoyed about a few things which I wont' go into but things people have done make me think 'why should I'.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 14/07/2012 13:48

Sometimes it's really hard to say no. But you should. Ferrying them back and forwards to wedding rehearsals and so on. It sounds a nightmare. They will have to think up another solution. In this case it really isn't your problem. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

If the bride wants this then let her pay for accommodation for the whole family for a week. That's one solution. Which she obviously won't take. Agree with the person who says say your brother isn't happy with them being away from their parents for a week.

Original poster

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 13:48

sweetbaby I did think that myself the chances of them all walking nicely up the aisle when they're supposed to is slim (my son's a paige boy too) but that's another story.

OP posts:

saintlyjimjams · 14/07/2012 13:48

A week in advance is crazy surely?

They should come with your brother on the day - they'll just be in the way a week in advance (and will they even want to be there for a week?)

JustGettingByMum · 14/07/2012 13:52

You say that you need to be there for the week to help set up for the wedding. Just explain that you can't do that and properly supervise 3 young children.
Also I would be concerned that other adults in the party are going to be drinking excessively while you act as unpaid nanny to the kids hardly a great break for you!

bigkidsdidit · 14/07/2012 13:53

I can't bear the fashion for weddings like this. I've just turned down an invite for a three day wedding in the middle of nowhere ns DS isn't invited. How much money and time do they think people will give up for a bloody wedding of someone you used to work woth grrrrr

bigkidsdidit · 14/07/2012 13:54

Anyway rant over! Sorry.

I would say no and suggest your brother brigs the girls down an hour early on the day and you will run through their bit with them

Viviennemary · 14/07/2012 13:58

Missed the new baby part . It's impossible. Just say no you can't manage it.

CadleCrap · 14/07/2012 14:00

Sorry OP my misunderstanding. A week of rehersals??? Mind boggles.

YANBU
Yours sister is being a bridezilla IMO

Floggingmolly · 14/07/2012 14:05

Of course you don't have to do it. It's their Wedding Day, why do they have to extend it into a week? There is normally one rehearsal, and it's for the wedding party themselves, not the entire congregation.

What on earth are they doing for the rest of the week that the whole extended family have to be a part of?

eslteacher · 14/07/2012 14:08

I completely agree with idontmindifido's post on the first page. Very well reasoned.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 14/07/2012 14:30

It's blatantly unfair that you should be asked to mop up your brother's messes. It's also not necessary.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 14/07/2012 14:34

I totally agree with the point made earlier - if other people can say NO, so can you.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 14/07/2012 14:36

Me again, I also think your DB and DSIL won't agree to this. I wouldn't

squeakytoy · 14/07/2012 14:36

Are your parents going to be there for this extravaganza too OP?

It does sounds ridiculously OTT and indulgent too.. :(

WillNeverGetALicence · 14/07/2012 14:37

Your DS is being unreasonable.

It is ridiculous of her to assume that you will not only have to attend a whole week of wedding rehearsals [that bit in itself had me going ] with all the cost and inconvenience that that entails... but she also wants you to have sole charge of your two little nieces?

Nice sister, NOT!

I second all the people who say your nieces do not need a week of rehearsals. They can be shown what to do on the morning of the wedding when your DB drives them there. If he chooses not to come, well that is not your issue or problem and your DS will just have to bear the disappointment.

And also, who is to say that your Dns even want to be away from Mummy and Daddy for a whole week, particularly amongst all the upheaval of the imminent arrival of little bro or sis? If I was your DB or DSIL I would be saying No to that for a start [and you say they are not aware of your DS plans so they may well also have objections].

Just say NO to DS, it will not be possible for you to responsible for two extra small children for a week. You are happy perhaps to help supervise them on the day of the wedding but are uncomfortable for having sole charge of them for so long.

It is really not right for anyone to expect you to do this imo. I personally would also not be happy to have sole charge of my DBs small children even though I also love them dearly!

differentnameforthis · 14/07/2012 14:37

How will they cope being away from their parents for a week? Mad idea!

ENormaSnob · 14/07/2012 14:37

Yanbu, I wouldn't do it either.

IMO a weeks worth of shit for a wedding is farcical.

ivanapoo · 14/07/2012 15:27

This is unbelievably bridezillaish. Your sis IBU. Your bro should bring them on the day.

Wedding rehearsal for a 3 and 4 year old? WTAF?

LemonBreeland · 14/07/2012 15:32

Your Sis is already expecting a lot of people that they take up a whole week of their time on her wedding.

No way should you look after them.

Casmama · 14/07/2012 15:44

My ds is nearly 3 and there is no way that I would let him stay away for this long. Say no, I suspect your brother would anyway.

FishfingersAreOK · 14/07/2012 15:44

To swing the argument for a No you could also point out that if you are having to look after 2 extra children you will not be able to do ANY setting up/help/supporting her whatsoever - in which case it would be pointless for you do be down for the whole week anyway . SHe either has you and your DS or noone.

wimblehorse · 14/07/2012 15:47

Definitely hold firm. If you are there as a bridemaid for your sister and to help with the preparations, say you won't be able to do any of this and look after 3 young children, and will likely end up looking knackered on all the wedding pics.

You don't even know if DB and his wife would "allow" them to go unsupervised. Even if they did who would be paying for the room upgrade you would need and their food? Would that be less than paying the remainder for your dbro's room?

Am struggling to think of a scenario in which a week long wedding is reasonable - if your dbro is driving there in the morning, it can't be a long-haul flight away so there's no jetlag involved.

If he says he is driving up on the day, the girls can be bridesmaids. All they have to do is follow you down the aisle and be reasonably quiet. Having a rehearsal 4 days earlier will make no odds to whether they manage to do that or not.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/07/2012 16:16

I don't think that anyone would be unreasonable to say no to this, including the nephew and his gf who want to go out drinking. It's expensive, attending someone's wedding for a whole week - of course they, and you, want to make it a holiday too, to justify some of the expense. In your shoes, I'd want to spend the time with my own dc and if I was the childless nephew with gf, I would not want to be lumbered with 2 kids for any of my holiday.

Agree that your brother should bring them on the day or that your sister should pay for his accommodation for a couple of days.

thegingerone · 14/07/2012 16:36

I'm sure you're very glam and gorgeous but if i had to look after an extra 4 and 3 year old for a whole week before a wedding i'm sure I'd look terrible in my bridezilla dsis wedding album. Just a thought!!!! It be such a shame that everyone would be looking at me and saying how tired i looked rather than looking at the bride.

Original poster

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 16:55

The reason for the week stay is because the rehearsals are x amount of days before the wedding, it's a 2 hour plus drive so kind of makes sense just to make it into a holiday. My sis was panicking about people being there on the right days so took it upon herself to find everyone some accommodation, plus she knows the area as she holidays there a lot so it just went on from there. I think she had an idea of a nice extended family holiday with everyone there but it isn't quite working out like that.

I've spoke to my parents too who are only going down for the day (possibly not my dad for health reason) and even they said they wouldn't fancy having three for a week unless it was an emergency.

The whole thing has cost me hundreds that I couldn't really afford with hotel, travel and also hen 'weekend', meal and night out, although she's paid a lot for the dresses and hair I've had to buy shoes and pay part towards a hair trial, don't really know what the norm is about who pays for what. I've gone along with it because it's very important to her and I am really happy for them but I would now like to have a part relaxing break with ds now so I'm going to say no to this but without feeling bad or selfish.

This has all put me off getting married!

OP posts:

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