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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry that I'm racist.

59 replies

manicinsomniac · 14/07/2012 08:35

I have never before considered myself to be racist in any way, shape or form. I don't judge people on colour, I don't assume things about them and I have many friends of various and mixed ethnicities. My children are mixed race.

But last night/this morning I was out in London and we were looking for a bar/club that was open after 2am. We thought we knew one in Dalston but when we got there it was closed and there was a black bouncer on the door of a small looking bar next door who told us it now always closes at midnight. So we asked him if we could go into his bar instead. He looked at us strangely but nodded and we went in. The bar turned out to be an all black one. I have no idea if it was a special night, whether it is exclusively a black club or whether it just happens to be popular with a certain group but there wasn't a single non black person in there (about 150 people at a guess).

If I had told myself about this situation yesterday afternoon I would have shrugged and said 'so what?' but, in the event, I couldn't. I felt really awkward and strange and like everyone was staring at us (which I really don't think they were!) We didn't even buy a drink, just left again after standing around awkwardly for a minute or two (group I was with were all either white, asian or mixed race).

The bouncer raised his eyebows at us when we came out and made a remark about being quick. One of my friends said it hadn't really been our scene and the guy laughed and said, 'thought not.' I then felt like a piece of total racist scum.

Was I being racist to feel uneasy in that environment? Nobody did a thing to us or explicitly told us we couldn't be there. Shit, I was being racist wasn't I! I wish I could work out why I felt like that.

OP posts:
LentillyFart · 14/07/2012 08:37

Nah - you weren't being racist. Think of it as a group of girls on a hen night wandering into a WI meeting by mistake - effect would be the same. Of course, if you're determined to label yourself and beat yourself up nothing anyone here says will make a difference.

Sirzy · 14/07/2012 08:41

I would put that down to being out of your comfort zone more than anything else

ToothbrushThief · 14/07/2012 08:44

Just turning it on it's head and imagine a group of black people walking into a bar full of white people. If they turned and left because they felt uncomfortable would you think they were racist?

TenaciousOne · 14/07/2012 08:46

I'm going to go against what posters have said and say yes you were being a bit racist. I've been the only mixed race person at a concert, club, gathering of people whatever and I haven't noticed until someone pointed it out. If you wanted to have a good time, you could regardless of the majority or everyone else being a different colour unless the music wasn't the right sort.

Thistledew · 14/07/2012 08:47

I and a group of my friends from college did a similar thing once. There were about half a dozen of us, all white. We were out mid week and went to a club we often went to at the weekend. When we got in, we realised it was a Bhangra night and we were the only non-white faces in there. We did get a few stares but it was all very friendly. One of the guys in our group got challenged to a bizarre foot wrestling dance and ended up winning! We ended up having one of the best nights out that we had ever had.

Maybe the bar just didn't have a friendly atmosphere?

Thistledew · 14/07/2012 08:48

*Only white faces in there

TenaciousOne · 14/07/2012 08:48

Toothbrush, I wouldn't be able to go in a pub in my town then as whenever I've been in them I've been the only non white person there apart from when one of my friends has come down to visit.

LentillyFart · 14/07/2012 08:50

Tenacious - did the OP say they left because everyone else was black? No. So you calling racist is just shit stirring. OP left because they didn't feel comfortable/atmosphere wasn't agreeable. That could have happened anywhere. It's people like you labelling every bloody thing racist that's causing a real problem.

shewhowines · 14/07/2012 08:54

Maybe it was expectations. In a predominately black country you probably would have thought nothing of it. Here, it is unusual so felt uncomfortable but yes I think you probably were bu because there was no real reason to be.

Original poster
manicinsomniac · 14/07/2012 08:57

Lentillyfart - I'm not determined to label myself at all! I'd much prefer to be told my reaction was normal and not racist!

Toothbrushthief - no, I wouldn't think they were racist. Bit then I wouldn't expect them to feel uncomfortable either

TenaciousOne - yes, that's how I fel I should have felt.

Thistledew - that sounds great fun. The bar wasn't noticably unfriendly, though it was very close and not a proper bar at all really (downstairs room very shabby, dodgy area of London in general)

I don't live in London, I'd travelled down from a much mure rural, racially homogenous, home counties area which might help explain it.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 14/07/2012 09:02

I find it really hard to believe you were the only people in there who weren't black. What music were they playing? I don't think you were being racist but I do think you should have at least stayed for a drink and then seen how you felt?

squeakytoy · 14/07/2012 09:04

OP, you need to read Lentillys post again, she was not saying you were racist!!!

LentillyFart · 14/07/2012 09:06

She should have stayed? Why? If you don't like a place you don't like it - what law says you have to stay? Absolute piffle.

squeakytoy · 14/07/2012 09:08

I have been to a couple of dubious late night drinking places in London before, and on one occasion one of them was a jazz bar, where every single person in there apart from me was black. (I was with a black friend). It was a very eyeopening experience as I did feel very out of place, and knew I was getting a lot of "why are you here?" looks.

AKissIsNotAContract · 14/07/2012 09:13

I wasn't feeling angsty and I didn't say she'd broken the law by leaving, just that if that was the only place around that was still open for a drink, it might have been an idea to get one before leaving

Original poster
manicinsomniac · 14/07/2012 09:20

squeakytoy - no, no, I know she wasn't saying that. But I think she was saying that I want to be told I am racist. Which I don't. I am worried I was but would far rather everyone said, 'no, don't be silly' than 'yes, here's your racist label'.

Not sure I'm making much sense. And fairly sure I am overthinking.

Had 90 minutes sleep and off to school prizegiving, that's my poor excuse for the histrionics!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 14/07/2012 09:21

This instinct is as primal as the 'flight or fight' response.

We are group creatures and it is an old need in us to assimilate with any group that we enter, for safety reasons.

There was a difference between you and the main group, it was colour, but it could have been other factors.

We feel the same when we are in smaller towns across Wales.

These feelings don't come from a racist base, unless you walked in and thought "i'm to good to be in here, it's attracts inferior types (blacks)" and that is why you left.

squeakytoy · 14/07/2012 09:25

No manic, she wasnt. She was saying that to TENACIOUS!!!

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 09:31

Why did you feel uneasy?

What sort of music was playing? I'm asking that cos it will tell me what sort of 'scene' the bar was and I think I could say from that as to how 'welcome' you would be.

I think you not being from/living in london is prob a big factor in how you felt though.

MrsRhettButler · 14/07/2012 09:41

I recently took my white friend (I am white too btw) to a predominently black nightclub (there are all colours of people there and they play jamaican dancehall music) she does not usually go to those types of clubs, she prefers pop music places.

She did feel uncomfortable, not because she is racist but because the atmosphere is so different to what she is used to. (She ended up having a great night btw)

I don't think its racist to leave if you don't like the music/atmosphere but do think its a bit weird to leave just because you were the only non black people in there.

Original poster
manicinsomniac · 14/07/2012 09:41

No, tenacious, hadn't posted at that point. This was the remark I was responding to:
Of course, if you're determined to label yourself and beat yourself up nothing anyone here says will make a difference.
I was just trying to say I'm not determined to be labelled at all and would quite like not to feel the need to beat myself up about it. It was a small, throwaway remark anyway.

Amberleaf - it was rap/R&B type music. And I honestly don't know. Possibly it was just that it was so late at night, in a pretty rough area and was really quite a seedy looking place. I might have felt weird whoever was in there. But I was pretty drunk and I was looking around for any face that was white without really knowing why I was doing it. I was assuming everyone was staring and glaring at us for going in but I don't they were - a few looks of surprise maybe. And also the way our whole group felt the same and went to leave, almost without discussing it. Everything about the place felt wrong.

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 14/07/2012 09:42

I'm not sure why you didn't just get a drink, if you wanted one. Standing awkwardly then walking out was a bit weird, if not exactly racist.

LentillyFart · 14/07/2012 09:44

So if she had wandered into a Convention of the Basingstoke Lancers playing wall to wall Jimmy Somerville, decided she didn't like it and left would she then be homophobic?

Self indulgent twaddle!

ErikNorseman · 14/07/2012 09:45

Although if I went into a bar and didn't like the vibe and there was nowhere to sit I would probably leave too. I suppose if people genuinely were fgiving you funny looks it would have been a bit uncomfortable.

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 09:46

Ok then I think people probably stared because you all stood there like lemons looking uncomfortable!

If you'd just gone in and got on with it it wouldve been ok. But you didn't feel right and really that is down to what's going on in your head rather than the place and people in it tbh.

I wouldn't say you're tacist but I think maybe you've bought into some dodgy ideas about what's 'dangerous'.