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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really cross - fathers don't "help" with their own children..

96 replies

Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 06:11

I have been up since 4am with OUR baby. Baby is fine, just wide awake. Have now given in and got up for the day.

DH will "help" later by "letting" me lie down for half an hour. He will then make me wish I hadn't as he'll spend the rest of the day telling me how exhausting it was having both dc at the same time ON HIS OWN.

Tonight I will want to go to bed early but he'll try to persuade me to stay up and "chat".

If I'm really lucky, he'll get up with our baby tomorrow morning. But will then be "exhausted" all day and bloody bang on about it.

Grrrrrrrr.........

OP posts:
Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 06:12

Oh, and my general point (sorry, I'm tired) is that parents do not "help" with their children. Or do they?! They look after their children because they are THEIR children. Surely???

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 14/07/2012 06:15

Why don't you just say 'I'm going back to bed, I have had hardly any sleep' when he gets up?

Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 06:18

Sonetimes I do bit rarely because by the time he gets up 8/9ish then I'm wide awake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 06:20

Also, after a break I am greeted by martyrish/"exhausted" husband. See above. Hmm

OP posts:
CasperGutman · 14/07/2012 06:21

YANBU, not at all. This gets on my nerves too, and I'm a bloke. I'm up looking after my baby, not to "help" anyone, but because he's awake, and I'm his parent.

Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 06:23

Casper I love you. Not complicated is it. Smile

OP posts:
NapaCab · 14/07/2012 06:23

It depends: are you both working or are you a stay-at-home parent? If you're a SAHM, then your 'job' is taking care of the children so your DH doing evening or weekend care is helping you out as he's giving you a break from your job. That doesn't mean he should make a song and dance about it though...

If you both work similar hours, then, YANBU and it does annoy me to hear people talk about fathers 'helping' like it's a big deal. Childcare for evenings and weekends should be shared equally if both parents work. And with a young baby it's a case of all hands on deck, I think, so neither parent gets a monopoly on exhaustion.

Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 06:27

napa But if neither parent works at weekends then surely the children are the responsibility of both parents?! I'm on ml so yes, they're my "job" during the week. But at the weekend they're our children. Not my job. My dh thinks along similar lines as you... During the week I do 95% of the child-related work.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 14/07/2012 06:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhNoMyFanjo · 14/07/2012 06:31

are you both working or are you a stay-at-home parent? If you're a SAHM, then your 'job' is taking care of the children so your DH doing evening or weekend care is helping you out as he's giving Hmm

So on ml means a 24/7 day working week, being a dad means a 5 day working week at 8-10 hrs per day.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 14/07/2012 06:34

NapaCab, I think even if one parent is a SAHP, then weekend care should be split equally. The in-paid-work parent usually has two days off from work, so the SAHP should have some time off too, even if that is just a lie in on either sat/sun and childcare shared the rest of the 2 days.

Hawkmoon269 YANBU! Same as people saying "babysitting" when the father is staying at home with the children. Makes me go all stabby! And don't get me started on "helping me" with the laundry/housework etc. Angry

caramelwaffle · 14/07/2012 06:38

Yanbu.

Willabywallaby · 14/07/2012 06:40

I agree with that 'stabby' feeling, DH said the other night to a friend he was 'babysitting' the DSs I went a bit Angry

Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 06:41

Interested to hear back from napa Maybe her post didn't quite come across as intended?

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 14/07/2012 06:50

I'm afraid this is the point (or possibly far beyond the point) where I would resort to sarcasm.

"Wow, pathetic much?"

"Exhausted? Let's show you what that word really means"

Or simply put wriggly baby in bed with lazy-arse dp and sleep in baby's room... With a chair wedged under the handle... And industrial strength ear plugs...

Good luck, op, I'm sure you're far more diplomatic than i am Wink

conorsrockers · 14/07/2012 06:55

Oh hell! My DH was just like this. He could never understand why I got so upset when he laid in until lunchtime every weekend - we had 3 under 5's. He was 'tired'. I'm afraid it got a little better with nagging, but I rarely left the kids with him and he rarely did anything. However, 10 years later, we're still together. I guess I just tolerated it for so long it became normal. As the years have gone on though, I have got much bossier - he is only allowed to lay in on the weekends now by special request Wink. You know your DH is out of order - but I doubt he will ever 'get it'. I would (and did) however go to bed early every night. Tell him if he wants to chat he can get up with you at 4am tomorrow and chat all he likes - it's simple, it's bloody tiring running around after little ones and if he can't get his arse out of bed to help without moaning about it then this is the consequence. Tell him to suck it up - he can't have it all Grin.

OneLieIn · 14/07/2012 07:12

Seriously put baby in bed with dh and sleep in baby's room " darling, so tired, just needed a good night's sleep. Fancy a chat?"

minimisschief · 14/07/2012 07:23

how is his whinging any different from yours here?

Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 07:30

mini this is an Internet forum. I'm not moaning in rl (much). And I've now been up for 4 hours compared to his half hour stints. Clear enough?!

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 14/07/2012 07:33

I think YANBU. But you need to have a proper talk with him about how much you both do and how it can be made fairer.

I would have a fit if dp suggested he would 'let' me lie down, and would be pointing out he did not own me.

nextphase · 14/07/2012 07:34

Are you bf? If not, can I recommend agreeing a day out in advance, and leave him to it?

I've just gone back to work after my second set of ml, and was struggling with early evenings - kids wanting time with me, food needing cooking, washing etc. Then I had a really late meeting at work, and DH had to do it. It made him realise what I try to juggle after a day at work, and why I often just go upstairs for 10 mins after he gets in - I just need to sit down!

And yes, I'm up. DH is in bed. I've spent the night with a wriggle 3 yr old sharing with me, who likes sleeping sideways, so I get kicked everytime he wriggles - he's ill, hence the co-sleeping.

Moln · 14/07/2012 07:38

go to bed early - you are too exhausted for a chat

i think if it were me I would also resort to sarcasm and exit left

He's being a twerp.

exoticfruits · 14/07/2012 07:40

I would arrange a day out with a friend next weekend and go. Go out on the occasional evening and leave him to sort out bed times etc. Women start off as being main carer, the one in charge, and then get upset when they get left in that position.

exoticfruits · 14/07/2012 07:41

Also don't issue instructions as you go - as equal parent he should know just as much as you.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 14/07/2012 07:42

Do you go out on your own at the weekend? Not talking at night, more take yourself off for a few hours?
I always had Saturday afternoon off from when dcs were 6 weeks old. Dh would play golf from 8am, come bck at 1, and I would be ready with the car keys to make a swift exit. Anywhere.
Library, wine bar, shopping, coff and cake, walk, just 3 or 4 hours on my own.
Did me the world of good.