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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really cross - fathers don't "help" with their own children..

96 replies

Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 06:11

I have been up since 4am with OUR baby. Baby is fine, just wide awake. Have now given in and got up for the day.

DH will "help" later by "letting" me lie down for half an hour. He will then make me wish I hadn't as he'll spend the rest of the day telling me how exhausting it was having both dc at the same time ON HIS OWN.

Tonight I will want to go to bed early but he'll try to persuade me to stay up and "chat".

If I'm really lucky, he'll get up with our baby tomorrow morning. But will then be "exhausted" all day and bloody bang on about it.

Grrrrrrrr.........

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 14/07/2012 07:46

You need to talk to him, properly. You can't hint, or expect him to "get it". It sounds like he has the hide of a rhinocerous, and can't see past the end of his own nose.

You need to put the 24/7 point to him, and ask if he thinks you're a slave. Mention that sleep deprivation is form of torture.

Tell him what you expect - for example, one lie-in a weekend (in which he brings the baby to you for the early feed and then disappears), and parenting to be split evenly on weekends - and that he cooks one meal a weekend, for example.

He will doubtless then bleat about never having a "break". Welcome him to new parenthood.

purplesprouting · 14/07/2012 07:48

I have been up since 4am with a vomiting toddler and big boy. Am preg, have spd and Dh will be apologetic that he has missed the fun.

He had planned to share with the toddler to manage night vomiting without waking me but mini beast seemed better.
We share it out, it's parenting. He will do the looking after later if I need more sleep. I prob will we went to bed in the early hours having stayed up chatting.

I would have no wish to stay up and chat to someone incapable of caring for his children and who allocated all the child related planning and caring to me.

Your experience sounds lonely...I hope you can help him see why changing benefits you both.

Babyrabbits · 14/07/2012 07:51

You choose a lie in one of the weekends each. You agree a time and stick to it. Works for lots of mums and dads.

Original poster

Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 07:52

I do sometimes go out on my own in the day, but rarely. And never if it means leaving both children with dh.

I think I could negotiate some time off each week. sigh

I suppose I feel that if you love someone you want to do all you can for them. So when dh knows that I've been up (very) early morning after morning he'd want to step in. Or am I being idealistic?

OP posts:

NeverCleverLand · 14/07/2012 07:53

no napacab he isn't helping evening if op is a SAHM. During working hours it would be the SAHP's full time job, then when they are both at home it is split. It seems unfair that the SAHP has the 24 hour job while the other one doesn't.

HecateHarshPants · 14/07/2012 07:55

I agree with longtalljosie. A long and very clear talk is required. Spelling it all out.

imo, the working week should be the same number of hours. so if you have one person out of the house for 8 hours a day, you have the other person doing 8 hours. Everything that requires doing that cannot be done within those 8 hours should indeed be split equally.

I don't mean getting down to a petty logging of hours, or saying I did an extra 20 minutes on Tuesday... but just a general awareness of fairness in the amount of work being done.

One of you doesn't get to do 8 hours and then knock off while the other one does round the clock. That's not fair.

The only reason someone would think it was, would be if they felt that unpaid work had no value and only their paid work was actual work which entitled them to rest periods.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 14/07/2012 07:56

Why don't you leave both children with him?
Is he totally incapable or do you think he can't manage it?

AThingInYourLife · 14/07/2012 08:03

"I suppose I feel that if you love someone you want to do all you can for them. So when dh knows that I've been up (very) early morning after morning he'd want to step in. Or am I being idealistic?"

No, that is how it should be.

Also, good father's want to be involved in the primary care of their children.

So, shit husband, shit father, lazy incompetent man.

Isn't he ashamed of being so crap?

exoticfruits · 14/07/2012 08:09

Of course he can cope with both if he has to. Don't go out for the whole day. just announce that you are off for an hour this afternoon and go - even if you just have a walk. You are making yourself the parent of an extra child by being 'superior' parent.

Longtalljosie · 14/07/2012 08:09

Yes he should - but you're in the world you're in. And sadly the work done by women in the home has never been valued less by wider society, imo. He probably does think, deep down, that you're on the sofa all day. You need to make him understand how wrong he is about that.

TeaOneSugar · 14/07/2012 08:10

Parenting is 24/7 regardless of gender or employment status.

twofurryones · 14/07/2012 08:16

Don't negotiate a day out just go. Later when he gets up tell him you're going out for a few hours and just leave. When he tells you it's hard say, yes it is isn't it, this is what I do all day every day, it gets easier with practice though.

Just stand up fir yourself a bit it, you're letting him get away with this.

Youcanringmybell · 14/07/2012 08:17

YANBU - I also had this for a few years with my oh. He has got a lot better over the years though. I have had many chats with him and it is only just sinking in.
Sometimes now if he comes home and says that he is going out for something I will ask him what he is doing with the kids and he looks at me like
I tell him that when I plan something I ask him to have the kids. When he plans something he just assumes I'm having them. That is the difference.

Some fathers think the kids are solely our responsibility unless it is otherwise pre-arranged and agreed. It isn't right. It is hard as some genuinely do not get it.

Molehillmountain · 14/07/2012 08:20

I am sahm at the moment. My job to look after dc as soon as dh steps out of the house. Our job as soon as he's back.

Original poster

Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 08:28

Thanks all

He's a good father but just crap in the mornings. I do feel a bit lonely sometimes because I'm very much the main parent.

He could cope with both but he'd find it challenging. As would anyone (and they're good, easy children - even the baby!).

I just hate having to negotiate. We do talk frankly about this but at 5.30am when the baby is up for the day all his good intentions evaporate because he's tired. And then he insists that I sleep when the baby sleeps but that's not always possible. And I've never been great at napping during the day - makes me feel worse to have half an hour here and there.

Sorry. Moan-fest.

OP posts:

Tangointhenight · 14/07/2012 08:31

Ah the old tiredness competition, it does my head in too OP YANBU!!! And anyone who thinks that SAHMs get it easy and don't derserve a break are just stupid idiots, you see it's not a job you can just clock out of, physically or mentally. I think you need to tell DH to stop moaning about being tired because you are both tired and he is making it worse, he is trying to guilt you into letting him sleep and that's not fair, also learn how to push/kick him out of bed when baby cries, my DH conveniently wouldn't hear dd when she cried so I made sure he did --with a firmly placed knee in the back.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 14/07/2012 08:31

I identify with a lot of this. Youcanringmybell- same.

I've just returned to full time work with two very young children so he needs to change his ways! I keep saying we need to sit down and discuss this but that hasn't happened yet. It is exactly like havjbg three kids!!

thisisyesterday · 14/07/2012 08:32

my dp is like this and it drives me potty.

whoever said it's selfish and lazy is right. it is.

Original poster

Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 08:32

It's really interesting to hear from people who's husbands were also a bit rubbish. I know that things SHOULD be split 50/50 out of work hours but I also know that's often not the case. How do you get through the early years without resenting your oh? Am genuinely interested to know...

OP posts:

BlackholesAndRevelations · 14/07/2012 08:34

By the way- my oh isn't like the op's in that he knows how hard it is and won't moan you much about bring tired (!) but still doesn't really do a whole lot. He does puttoddler to bed most nights and does little day to day things for the kids but... In the grand scheme of things.......

thisisyesterday · 14/07/2012 08:34

OP the more you leave them with him the less challenging he will find it because he will be used to it.

it's so frustrating isn't it?

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 14/07/2012 08:36

When we had 2 DC I got up every morning with them because DH was 'tired' and would be grumpy if he had to get up. I am a morning person anyway so didn't really mind...or so I told myself. Then I got pregnant with DC3. We had 'the chat' and I laid it on the line that there was absolutely no way I would be doing all the night feeds (EBF) and getting up with DC1&2 in the morning, then taking care of all 3 children all day. We both work all day - he just gets paid for it and gets a lunchbreak while I don't and don't. He gets up with DC1&2 now every morning and gives them breakfast while I get a doze after a night of DC3. I then come down and he goes for a run and a shower. We share the work, and share the rest as WE BOTH chose to have children together.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 14/07/2012 08:36

Hawknoon- I adore the man and he's a fab dad but I do think that I won't be able to put up with this for the rest of my life! Resentful- yes.

thisisyesterday · 14/07/2012 08:39

lots of resentment here. and he knows it. but the fact is that when it comes down to it he cares more about himself than anything else

Original poster

Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 08:41

Right. Well I'll have a talk with him over the weekend. To be fair he's now up and about to take dd to ballet. I'm still marvelling at how awake the baby is!

OP posts:

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