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AIBU?

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Original poster

Really cross - fathers don't "help" with their own children..

96 replies

Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 06:11

I have been up since 4am with OUR baby. Baby is fine, just wide awake. Have now given in and got up for the day.

DH will "help" later by "letting" me lie down for half an hour. He will then make me wish I hadn't as he'll spend the rest of the day telling me how exhausting it was having both dc at the same time ON HIS OWN.

Tonight I will want to go to bed early but he'll try to persuade me to stay up and "chat".

If I'm really lucky, he'll get up with our baby tomorrow morning. But will then be "exhausted" all day and bloody bang on about it.

Grrrrrrrr.........

OP posts:
Babylon1 · 14/07/2012 08:42

Babysitting his own DCs is a term my DH has always used and I bloody hate it Sad

He doesn't get it though Angry

sianc80 · 14/07/2012 08:42

Hawkmoon its like you're reading my mind!

When DD2 arrived DP was on paternity leave for 3 weeks in that time he looked after DD1 most of the time and did the housework and some meals as DD2 was a bit of a handful! He was sooo tired all the time and I obviously unaware of how difficult this was. I did once or twice mention that I had been doing the same thing for two years while working 30 hours a week - it was of course not the same at all Hmm

DP is now back at work and I'm a SAHP (for a while), he appears to have forgotten how hard it is to be at home already!

If he does do anything 'for me' bath for DD1 or similar he expects a pat on the head and a bloody medal. All the while my MIL and others comment about how good he is with the DC and aren't I lucky - what?!

Rant over! Sorry Grin

Tangointhenight · 14/07/2012 08:43

My favourite is the 'I don't feel good' excuse which was given this morning at 6am, OP I know what you mean about the resentment thing, DH never had a lie in before dd was born, now it's all he wants to do and I secretly think he can't be bothered dealing with her on his own. He's going to be looking after her a day a week when I go back to work and will have the biggest shock ever!

He's not the worst but he could be better! My dad was exemplary, despite working 12 hour shifts he always got up with us in the night and morning to give my mum a break, no questions asked, my mum often talks about how good he was when we were small and I'm sad I won't be able to do the same down the line!

lolajane2009 · 14/07/2012 08:47

did you not discuss childcare before having children?

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 14/07/2012 08:48

Okay - DH is great about things like mornings, but his natural state would be to do no housework at all.

We talk about it a lot, I remind him a lot. Basically I'm never letting this issue go because it is not fucking fair for all my rest time to be spent cleaning.

He CAN do better and he is sunstantially better than when DD was born.

Don't learn to live with it, you will resent him forever.

DrDolittle · 14/07/2012 08:49

Jesus. What would he do if you were ill? Right now I am thanking the deity of washing lines that I am, and always have been, an active father for my two DCs. My DW is ill, has been for weeks (well actually more like 6 months, but only bedridden for weeks) and how the hell would I have coped if I had considered "helping" with the DCs for a mere half hour a day?

Bonkers. It takes two adults to make babies for a reason.....

thisisyesterday · 14/07/2012 08:49

how would that discussion go Lola?

"so DP, when we eventually have a baby will you actually look after it ever or will you assume it's my job?"

"of course i'll look after it!"

fastforward 3 years "dp it's your turn to get up"

"fnurrrrr, i don't feel good, you get up"

Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 08:51

thisisyesterday
got it in one!

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 14/07/2012 08:51

DrDolittle - I'm very sorry your wife is so ill Sad

Time for a name change, perhaps?!

Sargesaweyes · 14/07/2012 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrDolittle · 14/07/2012 08:54

Longtalljosie - thanks for the tip, but I don't post very often :-) Started MN more recently since taking over full time care of DCs.

Tangointhenight · 14/07/2012 08:54

I love the ' did you not discuss this before having kids' it narrow kindest assumes tht all children are planned and that we all know exactly why we are getting into before having them, bloody hell don't be so stupid!!

I didn't say to DH before we started trying 'now don't be using tiredness as an excuse not to look after your baby' I'm sorry but who has that conversation?????

Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 08:54

DrDolittle Sorry to hear about your wife. Hope she's better soon Smile

OP posts:
Tangointhenight · 14/07/2012 08:54

*narrow mindedly

hairytale · 14/07/2012 08:56

Yanbu. I was up three time in the night and I'm exhausted after a long day yesterday. DP had a sleep yesterday afternoon and I am prating about on MN having a lie in this morning as he has got the baby downstairs. That isn't "helping" it's being a sad and a loving partner.

AThingInYourLife · 14/07/2012 08:57

"He's a good father but just crap in the mornings. I do feel a bit lonely sometimes because I'm very much the main parent."

Good Dads are equal parents.

What your kids have is a jolly uncle. Poor fuckers.

My DH is crap in the mornings. Even worse than I, and I'm pretty terrible.

He still gets up and deals with his children because he is one their primary carers.

Refusing to get up with your children in the night is neglectful, even if you are assuming someone else will pick up your slack.

Then these lazy, pointless gobshites will claim to be equal parents when the children's only actual parent eventually tells them to fuck off.

Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 08:58

lolajane yes, broadly. As others have said it's a bit different when the children are actually here.

OP posts:
Chandon · 14/07/2012 08:58

I think a lot of men are jst that little bit better at looking after their own needs.

For lots of women, in their lives the children's needs come first, they are no longer the most important person in their own lives.

I found it really helpful to try to "think like a man", ie taking short cuts when looking after the kids At times when I felt overwhelmed (fish fingers instead of home cooked grub, putting them in front of a dvd with no qualms). and also by taking up a hobby, just as lots of men including dh do, which at times takes me out f the house. Sometimes his and my hobby clash. He can not assume his hobby is more important than mine, or the kids' , wheras if I would be at home anyway, he would happily just leave me with the kids. Again.i had to actively stop being a martyr.

Original poster
Hawkmoon269 · 14/07/2012 09:01

Interesting chandon - thank you. Valid points...

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 14/07/2012 09:05

You don't need to have a conversation before children are born.

If it turns out you made a bad decision in choosing a father for your children, you have the conversation that goes:
"Either do your share, or fuck off you lazy, shirking twat."

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 14/07/2012 09:07

I do think they just don't get it, though. He thinks that the level of tired that he feels is as far as it goes and hasn't stopped to think how very very tired you are.

And he thinks he can't manage two on his own. I remember thinking that, too, for about a day, and then I had no choice so I did it. And found that I could. And do a bit of housework, and have a bit of a life, too.

The only answer is to drop him in it, really. Dh and I shared the nights when they were little - one of us did all of Friday night till 6am and then had a lie-in till at least 9am (with the other one making an effort to keep the house quiet!). And then swapped on Saturday night. Oh, and the parent getting the lie-in did the 10am feed the night before, so the parent on night-duty could crash out at 9pm if they wanted. Could you negotiate something like that?

The answer to the moaning is "yes, me too". Like a stuck record. I mean, if he says he couldn't possibly manage one night a week, say you can't either, you're too tired, and when are the fairies coming because you're doing 7 nights at the moment!

And if he refuses to discuss it, it's time to arrange a weekend away for yourself. Then come back and threaten another one if he doesn't step up.

BertieBotts · 14/07/2012 09:07

XP was like this and it was a big factor in us splitting up. Sorry.

AThingInYourLife · 14/07/2012 09:08

I know, DrDo - who are these guys and where did they learn to be so utterly rubbish at being adults in the world?

It's shameful. How can anyone respect a so-called father who doesn't care for his own children because he can't be arsed?

Sorry to hear about your wife :(

AThingInYourLife · 14/07/2012 09:09

Oh, and newsflash: they DO "get it", they just don't care.

Debs75 · 14/07/2012 09:10

I have left DP in bed with DD2 and DD3 this morning. Usually we are all up at 7 for the school run but this morning the alarm was off and I was bored of staying in bed whilst everyone else slept. Yes I have sorted a load of washing but I still feel I have had some great 'me' time. I can't be doing with this lieing in crap, once I am up I am up. Dp used to let me struggle down and 5-6am with whichever DC was ill/grumpy, sleep in till 9am then send me back to bed. I hated that as I can't sleep in the daytime, makes me feel really crap.

We've both been home together for a year or so now and the shift in parenting has been great, he does more and we share almost everything except cooking and laundry, when I go back to college in September he is going to be doing the majority and he is looking forward to it.
It has only taken me 16 years to get him this good, but it has been worth it.
Keep nagging him or gently persuading him or just dropping tools and he will slowly change