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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it reasonable to assume that when you invite someone to a party/sleepover you will fund the coist of food?

54 replies

lunamoon · 13/07/2012 23:23

Hello,

Perhaps it is me that is out of touch or just too hospitible.

Twice this week my dd (15) has been invited to sleep at friend's houses.
To be frank on the first occassion I would have preferred her to stay at home as it was a school night. However we know the other girl's parents very well, we are friends too, and her friend did keep texting/phoning her to ask her to stop.
Anyway when she came home she asked me for money as the friend had ordered food from a take away and asked my dd for the money.

I was a bit put out as I expected the family to feed her. We have been round to each others many times and when they come here we provide the food and vice versa.
I suppose I was more narked as it was all the friend's idea to have dd stay.

Anyway tonight dd is sleeping at another friend's house as it is her birthday party. I don't know this family as well. Before i agreed to dd going to the party I asked where it was and what exactly they would be doing. My reason for this was that if they had been going out for something to eat/drink then i would have said no, as quite frankly I am skint and can't afford to be shelling out.
Anyway as the answer was we are staying at friend's house i agreed and bought a present/card for dd to give.
Approx 1 hour before dd was due to go she tells me that actually she will need £10 as they are ordering a take away!

I was not pleased.
I have given dd the £10 but told her not to spend it all.
I have also told her that she hasn't to accept any more "offers" of sleep overs or parties as quite frankly it is costling too much.

Now the thing is whenever I invite people round or let dcs invite people round I do not expect them to buy their own food. I always feed my guests.
Am i the weird one or is it a bit off to invite people then when they are there or almost there tell them they will be buying their own food.
Seriously is this normal?

OP posts:

Original poster

lunamoon · 13/07/2012 23:27

Also meant to put, I don't think dd had any idea before hand that she would be expected to buy food. She didn't take any money to the first friend's either so for me , they should have eaten food already in the house.
Either way I wouldn't let a child pay for their own food when they are a guest of my dcs.

OP posts:

TouTou · 13/07/2012 23:30

YANBU - I think that is incredibly weird.

I would never dream of asking for money for a person who is a guest in my house at my invitation. To me, it's as strange as asking someone over for a roast dinner and then charging them carvery prices.

I'm sure someone will tell me that I dont understand because they have to do this because they're skint or something, but then in which case I would be cooking something at home and still not asking for money. Maybe I just don't get it.

Adversecamber · 13/07/2012 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

griphook · 13/07/2012 23:31

Yanbu, it's very strange and cheeky, tbh £10 is a lot for one meal aswell. Definitely should be fed of invited

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2012 23:33

I think it's different because she's 15, they probably had other stuff on offer to eat but a sarnie is hardly the same as a takeaway.

YABU to send her with no cash at all, IMO, it's not the same as when they were 7 and weren't going to go anywhere/do anything, a 15 YO is going to be Up To Stuff aren't they?

I'm sure my tune will change in a few years time it's easy to be generous with other peoples virtual money

griphook · 13/07/2012 23:34

If the parents were really skint then they should invite them round later in the evening after dinner

numbum · 13/07/2012 23:35

Maybe your DD knew you wouldnt let her stay if she told you she had to contribute

nickschick · 13/07/2012 23:37

Right I have 2 teen ds generally if kids are here I cook .....but ds has suggested before now that they all put in and buy a pizza? when they go to other peoples houses they quite often have a kebab that they pay for (with my money).....my friends teen dd costs lots of money on nights at friends she needs wine money food money and taxi money ......

out2lunch · 13/07/2012 23:38

this happens a lot around here with ds and his teenage mates - i tend to think that the parents are ' you can have your mates round but you sort it out between yourselves' expecting that their teen will use their part time job wages or pocket money

StealthPolarBear · 13/07/2012 23:38

It's dreadful. Only thing I can think is that the children were doing their own thing iyswim and ordering a take away on their own, with their own cash. Even so, as a parent I don't think I'd expect them to pay.
Did you see the recent thread about the boy who'd stayed at his friend's but slept in a caravan on their drive, barely been allowed in to use the toilet and gone hungry as they'd ordered takeaway and he hadn't had enough money to join in? Makes me

tittytittyhanghang · 13/07/2012 23:38

Hmm i not sure on this one, younger children under say 10/11 I would def say YANBU. Did the parents have take out for their tea or was it just the teens, and was it for their tea or as a snack later on? DS 11 goes to sleep over at his friends and I usually give him money to get a take out as it usually later on after tea (think probably about 11ish) when they all want a snack. If it was for tea, then I think the other parents should have probably paid, or just had a normal (by that i mean not takeout) tea, but if it was for a snack later on, especially if just the kids, then i think it fair your dc pays.

nitsparty · 13/07/2012 23:39

i think this is outrageous! I'd be really ashamed to ask guests to put their hands in their pockets for anything! I might send my daughter with box of chocs or jar of cookies but I have never come across this type of "sleepover". If a take-away was included, and there was no expectation of this, the host paid. so much for old-fashioned hospitality.

whoisthefatherthen · 13/07/2012 23:39

Surely at fifteen she gets pocket money, no? Could she not use that to fund her takeaways?

StealthPolarBear · 13/07/2012 23:40

Are you sure the parents were there?

Birdsgottafly · 13/07/2012 23:40

I am also thinking that it is the teens making the choice to order a takeaway, or the money is being spent on other stuff.

It varies between households whether the food cost is split when it comes to teens.

Noqontrol · 13/07/2012 23:41

Sure shes not just using the money for something else? When i was that age i would of said i needed money for food when it wasn't true, and then buggered off down the pub with it. Not saying your dd would do that mind, but just a thought.

squeakytoy · 13/07/2012 23:44

If these were young kids, then fair enough, but not when it is teenagers.

If my stepkids had mates over, and they wanted a takeaway they would be funding it themselves. If they wanted food that was already in the house, then they would have been welcome to it, but considering they had mates over to stay almost every weekend, as my mother would have said "I am not made of money, if you want to buy pizza or chinese, buy it yourselves."

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2012 23:45

Me too Noq

fags mostly

lauratheexplorer · 13/07/2012 23:46

YANBU. I am skint but if I had guests over I would cook something filling and cheap at home rather than get a takeaway and ask my guest(s) to pay.

goodasgold · 13/07/2012 23:47

No I just think it's the teens in and out of each others houses. When they are at yours treat them as if they were your own teen dc. For me that would be pretty nice.

Original poster

lunamoon · 13/07/2012 23:48

Thanks for the replies.
I was beginning to think that maybe I am weird!!!
She doesn't get pocket money as she chooses to persue an expensive hobby, which she hopes will be her profession one day. Don't want to say what it is as it might out me! As she is well aware this costs more than the going rate for pocket money but we are fine in sacrificing things for her to do this.
As a result she tends to be less of a going out kid and doesn't "hang out" as much as others do. Most of her time is spent studying or doing her hobby which she absolutely loves.
That's why she really wanted to go to the sleepover tonight.

OP posts:

SPsFanjoLovesChanningTatum · 13/07/2012 23:50

I used to tell my mum I needed money when I was staying out but I'd spend it on MD 20/20 and cigs

also I was never sleeping where I said I was

out2lunch · 13/07/2012 23:52

err just remembered one year when ds had his teen friends round for his birthday - it was a few years back and the bill was over 50 pounds then ........

out2lunch · 13/07/2012 23:53

for takeaway pizza

Noqontrol · 13/07/2012 23:53

Oh yeah, i was never sleeping where i said i was either.

And moores menthol fags as well as funding the pub.

Im dreading my dd growing up!

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