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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get annoyed with people constantly commenting on my age gap

93 replies

Queenie72 · 13/07/2012 22:39

I have 2 gorgeous ds, 31 months and 5 months.
Perhaps it is the sleepless nights and hormones, but I am getting annoyed with constant negative comments, even from other mum friends like oh it will be easier for me cos dd1 will be in nursery 3 mornings by the time dd2 is born, or poor ds2 never gets much time alone with you, or you must be mad etc erc.
I can already see an amazing bond between my 2 boys and all the comments are getting me down a bit and making me sad that I haven't had loads of time alone with ds2 and that it is going so fast because I am so busy with ds1.
Just can't focus on ds2 like I did with ds2.

OP posts:

TouTou · 14/07/2012 12:18

Genuinely bemused by what the problem is OP. If it was 32 years or 8 months I'd understand, because clearly there would be a story there that you might not want to discuss to random folk, but you seem to be overly concerned about the most...hmm...dull spacing of children I could think of. (Speaks as one who has equally dull spacing of children.)

I think you need to not read so much into it. As all the other posters said, it's just chit chat.

I said to my friend who is PG with her 5th (will have 5 under age 7) that she'll have her hands full (which I know is a sinful thing to say) and she made fun at one point of my accent (which many people would have been upset by). I think both of us could choose to be offended, but chose not to be.

wendythetrampwhowasborntorun · 14/07/2012 20:53

A friend from NZ got knocked up with DC2 pretty quick after DS was born; DC2 (girl) was then born at 28 weeks - thankfully no ill effects - so her 2 are exactly 9 months apart (to the day).

She gets a LOT of comments, mostly on the lines of "DH didn't have to go that far to prove he was at DS's birth!"

50shadesofstress · 14/07/2012 21:02

YAB a bit U, firstly no one surely says 31 months, I was really confused at first, there's over a 2 year gap which certianly amongst most of my friends/aquaintances is the most common gap (or slightly less) and secondly because its just something people say.

My DS1 went to pre-school 2 mornings a week from 2 years old so I had some time alone with DS2 and he had some time away with his friends.

I think there are more comments about bigger age gaps but I can't imagine anyone taking offence to such comments.

serin · 14/07/2012 22:53

Well said Lentilly.

holyfishnets · 14/07/2012 23:54

change the subject. works for me when people pass comment

Yellowtip · 14/07/2012 23:57

TouTou I had five under six and was never in the least offended by 'hands full' comments. Such comments are just not offensive. The people who make them are simply being friendly and wanting to engage. Most people who talk about babies are well intended so it's very mean to get shirty.

The most common question I've been asked (really quite a favourite this one) is: 'Eight? By how many dads?'.

firawla · 15/07/2012 00:05

I think they are just making conversation, as it seems like a very common and normal age gap. Maybe they are trying to empathise if they see some things are difficult, but its coming accross as "being negative"

Maybe you are projecting a bit because you say feel sad yourself about not having the time with ds2, and like you say lack of sleep etc - so maybe you are reading more negativity into what they intended to be just a normal chit chat?

But if you are happy yourself then who cares what others think anyway. People tell me I must be mad too or 'got your hands full' cos i had 3 in 3 years and still want more but i dont think most ppl mean these kind of comments in a bad way (and if they do i dont really give a shit anyway ). You got 2 lovely ds, they have a good bond by being close-ish and youre all happy then just get a thick skin to any negative comments if you do hear them now and again

TouTou · 15/07/2012 00:53

Yellowtip - you probably did have your hands full !

But I've seen on here being being really irate when that is said - especially parents of multiple births. But I can only imagine that it's the truth!! I managed to sit around quite a bit yesterday with the DCs on holiday. My friend was up and down all the time. Exhausting.

And as to the accent, again, as long as it's said in a friendly way, I like people teasing me about my accent and the 'strange' british words I say in the country I live in. Again, people can get quite upset about this.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 15/07/2012 01:09

Yellow - I always wanted 8 then I got too old and decided that would be too much like hard work!!

elliephant · 15/07/2012 02:12

A mom I knew from play group had 8 month and 5 days gap (prem baby, now a healthy 12 yr old) between her first two - now that was worthy of comment.

Yellowtip · 15/07/2012 09:50

Very sensible choice Chipping :)

An engineer once came to our house in the US to fix our air con and did the 'hands full' routine (when I only had two!) then told me that his DC were six months apart. I think his DC2 survived back then (1991) only because she had access to a leading research hospital - she was incredibly premature.

TandB · 15/07/2012 10:09

Just put it down to smalltalk. That's only 4 months smaller a gap than we have and no-one bats an eyelid.

nosleepwithworry · 15/07/2012 10:16

Im opposite, got a 9 year old and currenly expecting number 2!

After 7 mcs, and struggling to concieve for years, i am confident that will shut any one up that asks

nappyaddict · 15/07/2012 10:16

I could understand people commenting if the gap the was 12 months or less but the most common gap amongst my friends is between 1 and 2 years!!

Migsy1 · 15/07/2012 10:19

They are normal comments that everybody seems to get. Just let it go over your head :)

NonAstemia · 15/07/2012 10:31

VolAuVent I've never asked anyone about the agegap between their children, or asked a stranger any personal question about anything! I'm just commenting that, based on many threads I've seen on MN, women who are pregnant/have young children seem to take bizarre offense at the most well-meant comments. It makes me think twice before chatting to a pregnant/mum! I'll stick to elderly people/men I think, they don't seem to mind a friendly comment!

Proudnscary · 15/07/2012 10:35

Totally agree NonAstemia (hello!) - parents get all sorts of comments about age gaps, who the kid looks like their development....it's just polite conversation which you should really have worked out by now. I think you need to get over yourself.

Proudnscary · 15/07/2012 10:36

Oops - OP needs to get over herself not you, NonA!

nailak · 15/07/2012 10:40

be confident in your own decisions, i have 3 with around 18 month age gap, and i am happy that they are close, they play together, and also once the youngest is in school i will be able to go back to work/study or whatever, where as if there was a 3 year age gap, it would take a lot longer to get to that point.

I get plenty of time alone with my two youngest, I do feel the youngest one gets more attention from me, as the other two are in school/nursery so I have less time with them. But that will even out in the end.

VolAuVent · 15/07/2012 10:44

It's not "polite" conversation if it makes people uncomfortable though, however "well meant" it is. It's not polite or well-meant to disregard how you may be coming across to people, or that other people may find it awkward even if you don't.

emsyj · 15/07/2012 11:33

Yes, but those who are seeking to take offence at anything and everything are very hard work VolAuVent - so those people cannot be surprised when others start to avoid talking to them at all.

I certainly don't disregard how I come across to people - very far from it. But someone who took offence at a throwaway, 'ooh you've got your hands full' comment would, frankly, not be at the top of my party invite list. I just can't be arsed with people who are that difficult.

Foshizzle · 15/07/2012 11:44

People say things for all sorts of reasons - jealousy, projecting, something to say, anything, misguided attempt to empathise or sympathise or gee you up. As others have said, don't dwell on it. It can be tough trying to adjust to having two. I found it tough and still do sometimes. People compare or tell me I've got my hands full and I bloody well do. Try and focus on why it's affecting you so much and deal with that. And btw your DS2 is fine. He has you and his big brother. Very different situation from DS1.

VolAuVent · 15/07/2012 11:48

I don't think anyone seeks to take offence at anything and everything. 99% of topics of polite conversation are unarguably fine. So why don't people stick to those? Much nicer than picking something that has the potential to upset/offend.

Triggles · 15/07/2012 11:52

20 year gap between DD and DS2, then 3 yr gap between DS2 and DS3.

First people were horrified because of the 20 year gap, saying we were crazy. Then people were horrified because of another child "only 3 yrs apart".

Can't win, so don't worry about it.

avivabeaver · 15/07/2012 11:54

i have 2.5 years between dd1 and dd2 and a 10 year gap between dd2 and dd3. It never fails to amaze me when people ask if they have the same dad because of this fact.

equally, i got told i was mad for having dd3.

it really no longer bothers me though,people make stupid comments all the time, dont mean any harm at all.

(reflects back to time many years ago, before i knew better, when i asked a casual aquaintance if she was planning any more, only to find out later that she had had an hysterectomy after some catastrophy with her first birth)

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