to think it's inappropriate for a 2yr10mth old to ride a lift on his own?

[SherryNutkin]

We live in a nice, portered block of flats in central London. There are 3 floors and a basement which leads to the underground carpark. We live on the first floor. I found out yesterday that Dad has been letting our son ride the lift on his own, although Dad waits at the lift doors on our level. I voiced my concern as I think it's unsafe: whilst it might well be fine, he is out of sight and there are risks that can't be ignored, like him getting into the carpark if someone leaves the door open, a resident or visitor being inappropriate or even harming him, or the lift breaking down. Dad says it's important for his development, his independence, but I think it's a step too far, an unnecessary risk and irresponsible. I also think it could lead to my son making bad choices, as he now feels it's ok to go off without Mum or Dad.

My kids were too thick at that age to do that.

You know YANBU.

Your husband is irresponsible.

In our building there's rules about how old kids have to be to ride the lift alone. I think it's 12? If the lift got stuck between floors what would a not even 3yo do? Press the emergency help button, explain the lift is stuck and wait to be rescued? What happens if he presses -1 and wanders into the car park before your DP gets to him? Ask the porter to speak to your DP about not letting a child alone in the lift, maybe he'll listen to outside influence. Yanbu and he is being incredibly irresponsible.

God almighty. I thought I was a lax parent but this is just wrong.

I think the interesting point here is your dp's view that the child needs to develop independence by doing this. What independence does he think he is teaching? What evidence does he have that 'independence' is an isolated quality that needs to develop at this specific age? Does he think it's impossible to learn independence with a safety net in place? Is there an alternative way of doing this? How would he feel about being in the lift but letting ds press the buttons without lots of parental input? If he doesn't think this is the same, why not?

Or alternatively - what a complete nob.

I think your DP has been rather clueless tbh. There are so many things tha could happen to your DS. He'd be terrified if the lift broke down!

As an aside I'm glad that some people seem to see independence as I do. Dcs are 7+5 and are allowed out of sight to post a letter etc. not go to the shop yet mainly as it is 15 min walk and dd wont talk to the staff when ds is 7 I will prob send them together. I am also planning on them walking themselves to school in sept (very busy pedestrian route to school, 5 min walk with lollipop man on the only crossing) most of my friends think I'm off my rocker but I think it's good for them, and as they are both sensible kids (would never NOT turn up at school/play in the road etc) I trust them. If we lived further away it would be different.

Your DH is basically encouraging ds to play in lifts, not to be independent. Why?

On subject of letting kids play out/walk to school. Surely it depends on where you are. We have dealers and a variety of addicts about 10metres from our door of our nice block, so would think twice here.

Another thing with dangerous strangers. I don't think there are more of them now than there when everyone played out/left their back door open etc... However, if there are no kids wandering around unaccompanied, as is the case here, that does put any lone child at greater risk iyswim.

Your dp is an irresponsible idiot. Please don't allow him to do this ever again - good lord is he stupid? He must be.

We also lived in a portered block - and I admit in that time I let my DD (similar age use the lift al

Oops!

I allowed my similarly aged DD to use the lift alone.

TBH the risk of the lift breaking down was so tiny as to not register, the risk of her bein trapped in their with a peadophile even smaller If that makes me a bad mother so be it.

I would put it in the same category as leaving my DC in car when I pay for petrol or in the house whilst I'm at bottom of garden for 5 mins: something could happen but it's fairly unlikely.

So you trust Your child to always know which is the floor they need to get out on and not end up wandering around lost?

Leaving a child in a lift is nothing like leaving them in a LOCKED car for a few minutes.

sirzy I guess it depends on the circumstances.

Yes I was confident that DD would get out on the 4th floor - not so dc2 even when older.

And if sh didnt well we lived in a four story block, with two flats on each floor, building portered and she couldn't exit the building on the ground floor without pressing the door release which she couldn't reach ( and even if she had it only accessed the courtyard).

She was going to get no more "lost" than she might in a large house

If you think that's safe fine personally I think it's irresponsible.

feelign quite claustrophobic just thinking aobut it.
just
aargh. dont do it.

I don't like the mean comments that always arise on this type of thread.

some parents are more protective than others, they shouldn't be told to get help for it.

op YANBU your son is way too young.

Our local primary school will not release any children below age 10 (at all in the sn dept) at the end of the day if a parent or carer senior school age sibling is not seen or parent/carer hasn't phoned up and said xyz is collecting child.
They use the last year at the school to provide parents with advice regarding route teaching ect and offer support to kids about cycleing/road safety and stuff like that.
I think it's quite a good idea

if I was waiting for the lift and I saw an unaccompanied 2 yo in there, I would take them out of the lift, into my flat, and call the police - as I'm sure would many, many other people. I would not be thinking this was a lesson in independence, I'd assume it was a lost child. Meanwhile, while I'm protecting this 'lost child' your DH is going to be having a heart attack running from floor to floor looking for him, isn't he? It's just a bad, bad idea.

I remember when I was about 4 going into a lift and the doors closing before my mum got in. I was really quite scared. I wouldn't have known what to do. He's too little to be independent.

Sara How old was DD when you first let her do this. How old was she when you first let her do it in a shop?

If my DP ever did something like that I would be hugely concerned - why on earth does a 2 year old need independence in that way - yes getting dressed and toileting etc but not going in a lift on their own. Children under school age should always been in the sight of an adult!

I think it very much depends on where you live as to whether an 8 year old plays out on their own, the traffic is extremely heavy where we live and it is not really safe IMO.

My friend lives 20 mins up the road and it is completely different - a bit more like the country.

I think the Sarah Payne reference is very valid, children that young have no real sense of responsibility, her slightly older brother was looking after her but again not old enough to be responsible!

It is often advertised that children under 10 should not be allowed to be around 'traffic' on their own due to the number of road incidents with children under that age, apparently the reflex of running after a ball going into the road does not stop completely until after the age of 10 (I know it is not the case in all instances of course).

YA DEFINITLY NBU

Time to have a long chat with 'Dad'.

Sometimes small children run ahead of their parent who is pushing their sibling in the buggy, jump into the lift and the doors close before Mum can press the button thus sending said small child all the way to the bottom of the car park screaming as he goes. that never happened.

YANBU.

Parents who try too hard to bring up 'brave' children often achieve the opposite. I had a 'free' childhood and i'm not brave, i've got many phobias. My parents worked in hotels and i was often playing in the lifts, it got stucked once and i still remember the horror! You don't become independed, you actually become more fearful.

I'm another one who had a 'free' childhood and found it full of fear. I could have done with more protection, frankly.

Still, I do bristle somewhat at those schools who won't LET children home on their own before the age of 10. In my day, the standard was 7, and I really fail to see why it is not my decision, rather than the school's, when my children are ready to walk round the corner on their own.

Anyway, back to OP. I am intrigued by your dp's desire to achieve independence in a toddler. Reminds me of a friend whose dp was absolutely obsessed with getting his 3yo ds dry at night. Obsessed. The poor kid wasn't allowed to drink anything after 4.30pm, however hard he begged; there was a huge performance, with loads of shouting and bellowing, if he wet his bed (which he nearly always did). The dad seemed to see it as some kind of test of his own manhood, kept saying things like, "Only pansies wet their beds, and I'm not having any son of mine not able to control his dick". Tosser.

Very irresponsible. Someone could just walk off with DS and you would have no idea which floor he was on or where he was. A much older child of 12 - fine but not a toddler. I used to work along side probation officers and don't look at the world with rose tinted glasses.

If he was talking about popping into a garage whilst paying for petrol with DS in car then that would be fine of course.

I wouldn't leave my DS with anyone who took the kind of risks you mentioned.