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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no idea if I am.... but I need to get this out there.

94 replies

roundandroundagain · 12/07/2012 12:44

Right I want you lot to give it to me straight please (nervous)

I will try and keep this brief.

Living with DP who has been separated from his wife for 3 years. I met him after he had been separated for 1 year.

I am divorced with kids. He has a child with his ex, he sees his child every week and in holidays.

His ex is really dragging her feet on the divorce not replying to sol's letters etc, he is getting nowhere on divorce months can go by without a response being sent by her sol. she refuses to go to mediation.

She has made it clear she does not like me or my children being in DP's life and DP's child even repeats things she calls me in front of me and my children (different and very upsetting issue).

When I met DP I knew he paid her a lot of his salary. Their child is of school age and she does not want to work. He pays her mortgage plus 3 times as much as the CSA recommend for CM. This is really putting us under huge financial pressure.

It is starting to get to me now. I work part time and I am also retraining. I have one school age DC and a preschooler and I work damn hard to fit everything in as well as study. (my ex pays me minimum CSA)

She is asking for more money all the time and I am starting to get very bitter about it. We are on value food and things are very tight (counting every penny actually) and when I see that she is still not satisfied it starts to really get to me. I feel as though she is bleeding us dry. Sol bills are mounting up. DP is in personal debt as he was subsidising her beyond his means before we met.

I don't really know what I want you guys to say really but I just needed to get this out there. I guess I want to know if I should just shut up and carry on scrimping and swallow the fact that she gets enough from him so she does not have to work or should I say something to him? I really don't know Confused

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/07/2012 12:45

He should agree a set amount with her per month and then just stick to that.......seems the sensible solution and then everyone knows where they stand.

Original poster
roundandroundagain · 12/07/2012 12:49

They did agree a figure between them when he was single it is well over a third of his take home salary but she still wants more. especially now she knows that I earn my own money (albeit very little)

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/07/2012 12:51

But he needs to be firm then, to give her the set amount and tell her there is no more! As long as he gives in to her she will just see him as a cash machine and as long as he is giving her a realistic amount he shouldnt be topping up.

Buttwart · 12/07/2012 12:51

She needs to back off. Just because you earn some money has nothing to do with it!

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 12:51

Can you get a full time job so you can support your kids better?

Original poster
roundandroundagain · 12/07/2012 12:54

I am retraining to get full time work when my youngest goes to school. I work part time already at the moment. I would like to be a SAHM but I could no way afford this. I struggle with the fact that she refuses to work but I have no choice.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 12/07/2012 12:57

YANBU for moving yourself and your DCs in with a man who is married to someone else, what was the rush for? Why are you living with and merging your finances with someone who isn't single?

Personally, I'd keep my finances separate until you know what his situation is, until he is divorced, it's between him and his wife how they split their family income . Has he moved into your house or the other way round? If he's moved in with you, you need to be able to fund your DCs lifestyle from your income + whatever your XH gives you, if you want to charge him 'rent' to live with you, then fine, he can then work out how to pay that and sort out the rest of his finances with his W, which is none of your business.

Once he is divorced and his finances are settled, then you can look at building a life with him, and then it's your business what his finances are.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 12:58

Ahh but her refusal to work is her own choice.

I'm just wondering if you have the means to support your own children IYSWIM

That frees your DP up to support his.

Has he gone to the CSA? Is he happy with the payment arrangement he had before he met you?

wfhmumoftwo · 12/07/2012 13:00

I dont think you are being unreasonable. Circumstances change and what may have been ok then are not now. I expect the ex is doing it to annoy her ex (your DP) and make things difficult for him, and he is doing it because he feels guilty he is not still there and also afraid that if he does not go along with it he will lose contact with his child and she will make it more difficult.
Although each circumstance is different, so i cannot comment on yours specifically, it sounds very similar to situations 2 of my close friends have been in.
Ultimately the men had to force the issue with the solicitors, get it to court to agree a settlement and both of the ex wives had to go back to work - the courts did not accept that they could not support themselves when they had children of school age. They split the assets and then the men were left just paying an amount of income towards child support (not alimony to the ex wife) as they had a final settlement divorce. Ultimately the courts will not allow responses to drag on indefinitely.
Ultimately if your DP wants to be with you and your DC as a family he will need to take action on this and make his ex wife realise he has moved on. But be prepared for some difficult and challenging times - you may also need to decide for yourself whether you want to remain in this situation / relationship with this man.

MissFaversam · 12/07/2012 13:00

Was the amount he gives her part of the deal at the solicitors?

squeakytoy · 12/07/2012 13:00

Not sure really, because if he was to pay her less in order to support your kids, that seems a bit unfair too..

GlitterySkulls · 12/07/2012 13:00

while it's great your DP supports his child (and pays a substantial amount over the csa calculation) it's really not feasible if you're all struggling to live as a result.
and why is he paying her mortgage? ok, so he's providing a roof over his child's head, but he's also putting one over his ex's. surely it's her responsibility to house herself? why should your DP do it just because she doesn't want to work?

your DP's going to have to be a lot firmer & sort this out once & for all.

(can't believe he pays so much & his ex still wants more Shock )

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 13:02

I doubt he's paying her mortgage...I expect it's their mortgage.

Original poster
roundandroundagain · 12/07/2012 13:03

I do know its her own choice at the end of the day, it just gets to me.

When we moved in together I lost my tax credits so I was out of pocket by some way.

I moved in with him as I was under the impression that the divorce was going through ok. I now feel naive and a bit stupid about it. In fact this really upsets me.

WRT to what he pays her he always told her it was such a large sum as a temp measure whilst she got on her feet but she is refusing to acknowledge that now. HE is trying to get it all tied up without having to go to court. Its a big mess.

OP posts:
GlitterySkulls · 12/07/2012 13:04

just re-read & saw that your DP has got himself into debt to be able to pay ex what she wants- that's not on!

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 13:04

How long have you lived together?

Original poster
roundandroundagain · 12/07/2012 13:05

Sorry when I say her mortgage I mean the mortgage on their old family home.

OP posts:
Original poster
roundandroundagain · 12/07/2012 13:08

we have been living together for 12 months

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/07/2012 13:09

I understand that when marriages break down the Exh carries on with the mortgage for a bit...but 3 years later - thats ridiculous.

Original poster
roundandroundagain · 12/07/2012 13:10

thing is his sols fees are all going on credit cards and its cost thousands already. letter after letter goes out and there is no reply. The amount he pays was agreed between him and his ex when they first split, nothing agreed in writing with sols.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 13:12

So you've been together for 2 years and when you moved in together a year ago, you didn't know how much he was paying his ex?

See I think the whole thing is a mess because of the rush to live together before the divorce.

Really, you should have the means to support your own children and he should have the means to support his.

If he can't support his because his wife is asking for too much, he really needs to get to the CSA.

Oh and tell him to change his solicitor if they're allowing all this to continue against his will.

PrincessScrumpy · 12/07/2012 13:15

A 3rd of his income goes to his kids.... all of my dh's income goes on our kids and couldn't survive without it. If he could afford it before he met you, why can't he afford it now? You have an income and survived before you met him?!

I think he needs to be firm with her but you need to see he has responsibilities from before he met you.

Original poster
roundandroundagain · 12/07/2012 13:16

I know its a big big mess Sad. I think he (and I) to some extent thought it would all get resolved but there is just no light at the end of the tunnel.

Part of me feels that we can't actually AFFORD to live together surely that situation is wrong?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/07/2012 13:16

OK here's what I'd do.

I'd get him to move out and I'd claim the tax credits etc and get myself back on an even keel.

In the meantime he should sort himself out. When he's been living for a year on his own even keel, you could get back together.

You can't be happy in this situation and his child, if he/she's repeating what the mum has said, is clearly unhappy with it too. Your partner is unhappy, his ex is unhappy.

Be the adult. Break away from them all and tell him to come back when it's all sorted out.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/07/2012 13:17

I totally agree with Imperial - I would stay away until it's sorted....it's been three years so it should have been done and dusted ages ago.