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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no idea if I am.... but I need to get this out there.

94 replies

roundandroundagain · 12/07/2012 12:44

Right I want you lot to give it to me straight please (nervous)

I will try and keep this brief.

Living with DP who has been separated from his wife for 3 years. I met him after he had been separated for 1 year.

I am divorced with kids. He has a child with his ex, he sees his child every week and in holidays.

His ex is really dragging her feet on the divorce not replying to sol's letters etc, he is getting nowhere on divorce months can go by without a response being sent by her sol. she refuses to go to mediation.

She has made it clear she does not like me or my children being in DP's life and DP's child even repeats things she calls me in front of me and my children (different and very upsetting issue).

When I met DP I knew he paid her a lot of his salary. Their child is of school age and she does not want to work. He pays her mortgage plus 3 times as much as the CSA recommend for CM. This is really putting us under huge financial pressure.

It is starting to get to me now. I work part time and I am also retraining. I have one school age DC and a preschooler and I work damn hard to fit everything in as well as study. (my ex pays me minimum CSA)

She is asking for more money all the time and I am starting to get very bitter about it. We are on value food and things are very tight (counting every penny actually) and when I see that she is still not satisfied it starts to really get to me. I feel as though she is bleeding us dry. Sol bills are mounting up. DP is in personal debt as he was subsidising her beyond his means before we met.

I don't really know what I want you guys to say really but I just needed to get this out there. I guess I want to know if I should just shut up and carry on scrimping and swallow the fact that she gets enough from him so she does not have to work or should I say something to him? I really don't know Confused

OP posts:
Rainydayagain · 12/07/2012 15:37

Its not putting them in financial hardship to say we can't afford a solicitor or to pay excessive amounts. It is fair. Give her notice and its very fair.

Get to court and sort the access the second she messes around. He will win access, i have a friend who tries her hardest to withhold access and he wins in court every time. ( hols abroad everything) she is not holding all the cards, he just thinks he is.

Children are not porns in a game. She needs to stand up and be a grown up now. Get a job and move on with her life as do you. Force the divorce get to csa get in over with access drawn up. If he had died she would have to!

Original poster
roundandroundagain · 12/07/2012 16:37

thank you all once again for your advice. Good to get it out on here.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/07/2012 19:22

Actually, OP, it really irritated me when you said, "But I love him! I don't want him to move out!" It reminded me of the X Factor when they cry and say, "But I want it!"

The fact is that you shouldn't have moved in with him until he got his situation sorted out. Now I know you will argue with that, but you did move in and look what happened. Nothing will be resolved now, except he will get further and further into debt. Take a step back, go back to where you were and start again. Wanting something doesn't mean you can get it or even that it's right that you get it.

holidaysarenice · 13/07/2012 00:53

I would send one more solicitors letter saying as there has been no agreement he is doing x, y, and z. Z being paying the minimum amount for maintenance as set by the CSA.

That will get a reply.

Greedy money grabbing.........

holidaysarenice · 13/07/2012 00:54

rainydayagain Children are not porns in a game.

Interesting!!

holidaysarenice · 13/07/2012 00:54

sorry i meant response not agreement.

sashh · 13/07/2012 04:54

Pedigree you are quite right this could have been all over moons ago. They have the decree Nisi and have had it for a very very long time.

Er if they have the decree nisi then DP can apply for a decree absoloute six weeks after the decree nisi - it costs less than £50 and you do not need a solicitor. That's assuming he started the divorce proceddings, if she started tham then he has to wait three months.

Wht hasn't he applied for the decree absoloute?

Sighingagain · 13/07/2012 08:26

Its common to have nisi but not absolute.

Solicitors advise not to apply for absolute til finances/contact issues resolved.

shewhowines · 13/07/2012 08:55

Op - I would pay 50% of your household expenses plus costs for your own children. Then any shortfall will be shown on his expenses whilst settling in court and the court will look at it fairly. They will breakdown the debts and expenses to check he is pulling his horns in, as they will expect her to too. Keep your finances separate to his and demonstrate to the court this is what you have done.

If you currently pay less than 50% plus your own childs expenses, then the EW would have a legitimate concern that he is supporting you whereas his first responsibility should be to their child.

A long as your income supports you and your child, then you should do as some posters have suggested and detach. It is for them to work out for themselves and is actually nothing to do with you. Any money left over from your 50% and your childs expenses can pay for better food than the Happy Shopper. You personally should not be subsidising the EW.

Separate the 3 financial sides in this triangle.

shewhowines · 13/07/2012 08:57

Any money left over after your 50%

Sighingagain · 13/07/2012 09:09

The court will only look at all that to decide split of assets.

Ongoing maint is for the CSA.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/07/2012 09:17

If he left her after they had both agreed that she would be a SAHM, then I think he does owe her.

If she left him, or forced him to leave, then she should be taking some responsibility for funding their child.

I can't decide my opinion on this until I know what caused the split. I think it makes all the difference.

Sighingagain · 13/07/2012 09:35

I don't think it makes any difference - people promise all sorts of things then reality bites - and maybe he agreed things then she screw him over contact anyway.

Why should anyone have to not wOrk for 18 years?

Rainydayagain · 14/07/2012 07:31

They promised to love, honour, obey...untill death do us part.
Promises get broken all the time.

RuleBritannia · 14/07/2012 07:41

RainyDay

'Til death us do part'. I believed in this vow until I had to divorce my X. I got over the 'keep the marriage going' thought by telling myself that the marriage had died. I then felt free to divorce.

BelieveInPink · 14/07/2012 11:16

Get involved with CSA. Get solicitors to sort contact. No grey areas, no holding the kids to ransom, you all know where you are.

Why hasn't he done this? Instead of spending thousands on pointless letters that get him nowhere.

whackamole · 16/07/2012 10:51

?And while I agree he has a responsibility to his ex wife and child, does she not have a responsibility to him, to ensure that he (regardless of any partner he has taken on) has a reasonable standard of living??

girlsofsummer you are absolutely right of course, my comment was ill-worded. I meant that surely the ex-wife should not want her ex to get into serious debt purely because she doesn't want to get divorced.

rainydaysarebad · 16/07/2012 11:02

Sorry, have skim read, but where is your ex husband in all of this? Doesn't he pay maintenance for your children too? If he doesn't, shouldn't you chase him up on that?

Pedigree · 16/07/2012 12:58

He is paying maintenance. However, in my opinion, that maintenance is never enough if not supplemented with a salary AND tax credits.

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