I have no idea if I am.... but I need to get this out there.

[roundandroundagain]

Right I want you lot to give it to me straight please (nervous)

I will try and keep this brief.

Living with DP who has been separated from his wife for 3 years. I met him after he had been separated for 1 year.

I am divorced with kids. He has a child with his ex, he sees his child every week and in holidays.

His ex is really dragging her feet on the divorce not replying to sol's letters etc, he is getting nowhere on divorce months can go by without a response being sent by her sol. she refuses to go to mediation.

She has made it clear she does not like me or my children being in DP's life and DP's child even repeats things she calls me in front of me and my children (different and very upsetting issue).

When I met DP I knew he paid her a lot of his salary. Their child is of school age and she does not want to work. He pays her mortgage plus 3 times as much as the CSA recommend for CM. This is really putting us under huge financial pressure.

It is starting to get to me now. I work part time and I am also retraining. I have one school age DC and a preschooler and I work damn hard to fit everything in as well as study. (my ex pays me minimum CSA)

She is asking for more money all the time and I am starting to get very bitter about it. We are on value food and things are very tight (counting every penny actually) and when I see that she is still not satisfied it starts to really get to me. I feel as though she is bleeding us dry. Sol bills are mounting up. DP is in personal debt as he was subsidising her beyond his means before we met.

I don't really know what I want you guys to say really but I just needed to get this out there. I guess I want to know if I should just shut up and carry on scrimping and swallow the fact that she gets enough from him so she does not have to work or should I say something to him? I really don't know

Before he met me he only rented a room in a mates house, we now have to rent a house of our own and I lost my tax credits when I moved in with him thats big deficit straight away, hence why I am retraining to get a better job, as needs must

But you can't afford to live together yet...that's the point.

It's not wrong really...he's just not free to live with anyone yet until his divorce is finalised and he knows exactly where he stands financially.

imperial bingo, you have the best suggestion.

but I love him and my kids love him and we are settled with him i don't want to move out

Yanbu.

Either he sorts out what he is paying or you split. I have been in exactly same boat - including down to divorce taking forever.

He is feeling guilty for leaving ( as did my Dh despite exe having had an affair) and so he is financially punishing himself.

It's up to him where you go from here. Dhs exw - in my earshot - informed him I should be supporting him and dc who lived with us while he gave her all his pay (om dumped her second she was single).

"When I met DP I knew he paid her a lot of his salary"

You've chosen a very tricky man to be involved with, because he already has children, and an ex-wife who he is supporting. You knew the situation from the start, yet got involved with him anyway. Now you are upset that he is supporting them. It is very silly.

I think this is not the man for you.

Then you'll have to carry on struggling won't you?

You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.

It'd be like living with a vegetarian and then complaining he won't eat meat.

You know what you've got yourself into so you'll have to put up with it until the solicitors sort it.

I don't think any of you are being unreasonable. I think this is just the sad reality for families that have separated and gone on to create new second families.

From the XWs POV, just because she is no longer with your DP doesn't mean that their DC are no longer 50% his responsibility. Why should their children have less in order to support your children? Even if she goes back to work, the odds of her being able to fit a job in school hours are remote. What if she then asks your DP for 50% of the childcare costs? After all, he's benefiting from lots of 'free' childcare while the DC live with their mother rather than with you...

From your DP's POV, hes between a rock and a hard place. Unless he can magically conjure up a bigger income, he's going to let someone down. It's only natural that he's going to make his children the top priority, which inevitably means helping support his XW because the children's welfare is inextricably tied up with hers as their primary carer. It's also worth him maintaining the mortgage because the deal quite often is that the parent with care has the right to live there until the DC are independent, but at that point the house can be sold and the asset jointly distributed. Your DP is protecting his asset as much as he is providing for his children when it comes to paying the mortgage.

From your POV you're struggling and have lost out by moving in with your DP. This is the cultural legacy of a situation in which step-parents were usually the result of death rather than divorce and fails to take into account that quite often these days there are two households to maintain. You're falling foul of that and it's something that future governments may need to address as blended families become commonplace. Truth is, very few parents can afford to support two separate households. Until that happens though, you're bearing the brunt of it and I agree it's shit. The law of the land says you are now your DP's responsibility to support rather than the state's or your own DC's father's. It's archaic but that's how it is. The only elements under your control that could allow you to circumnavigate this is to be self-supporting or chase your X for more maintenance.

I think your best solution is to try to negotiate a better deal with the X. It does sound like he could cut back but still pay her a generous amount, but such a negotiation will need to be handled very sensitively or it could backfire spectacularly.

Everyone in this scenario has a reasonable POV. There's no one at fault here. It's just hard.

I am not upset that he is supporting them, he damn well should support them I 100% uphold that. What upsets me is that the divorce is costing so much bloody money and time and he is getting in more and more debt because she won't play ball (he gave her all their savings when they split - so he has no savings to draw from hence using his credit cards to fund the divorce).

If it was all drawn a line under today and he paid her what he is paying now and status quo remained and I got a better job job after my training I would be satisfied as I would know where I stood and I could earn and alter lifestyle in accordance with our means.

I do feel a bit silly, I guess I did not know how messy divorces can get (mine was very quick and very painless and only cost a few hundred quid)

Ex will be getting 100% of cb, tax credits, etc.

Perhaps she may have to rent and claim HB - or give up her dreams of SAHM, there is help with childcare for those on low incomes.

The statues who rarely remains on divorce (I was a single parent for a long, long time).

Sometimes you can't afford to live with someone. Or at least not right now. I think it's important that your dp sorts his own situation out - clearly if he is paying more than can be afforded then he needs to try and resolve this with his estranged wife. However, I think this is much more of a likelihood if you keep yourself out of the equation.

I have some experience of this because dp was separated from his wife (and had been for some time) when we got together. The monthly sum he paid for child support (his dcs were teenagers) was far more than the CSA would recommend and actually, I thought all the more of him for not trying to get away with as little as possible. They'd sorted out the property division early into their separation and drawn up an agreed albeit informal plan for child support and this had occurred long before any new partners came onto the scene.

Despite all these agreements, dp and I didn't rush into living together because I, too, had dcs of the same age from a previous marriage (their father not being known for his generosity) and I didn't think that it would have been helpful at that point, to sit back and expect dp to inherit the responsibility for us too. Certainly, I did not want any conversations with his estranged wife that went along the lines of "well of course I have Pandemoniaa and her children to pay for now, too so I plan to cut the child support to our children". This would have been the quickest way to ensure a total lack of co-operation!

But actually, dp didn't need to do this. First and foremost it was my responsibility to make sure I could support my own children and, at the time, I needed to hold down a job that meant this was possible.

You might be better off keeping a bit of distance until your dp has sorted out an affordable financial arrangement that recognise his responsibility towards his children but which don't leave him incapable of living some sort of life of his own.

Err - sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel. I know it's a novel idea but am sure it will catch on

Sorry but I cant understand people who get in a serious relationship with someone they dont feel they can sit down and talk to especially about something they feel so strongly about.

Leave out the personal stuff, stick to the facts and just tell him what you told us in OP and why you think it's unfair.

Then you either agree a way forward that you are both happy with or you have to consider your options l'm afraid.

What upsets me is that the divorce is costing so much bloody money and time and he is getting in more and more debt because she won't play ball (he gave her all their savings when they split - so he has no savings to draw from hence using his credit cards to fund the divorce).

Dhs solicitor said she has never seen anyone fight so hard, over so little!

Exactly the same scenario

Can your DP not go via the CSA for any reason?

My boyfriend has an ex and 3 kids.

What his settlement was

He pays her the going rate for the kids.
She's keeping the house and he's paying it off.
He gets to keep all his pension less 7.5%.

The divorce has cost him roughly £8,000.00 and was amicable.

He has two jobs to do this though.

My sister is with someone going through a divorce at the moment who has twin girls. He pays her £800.00 per month so she keeps the roof over her head. Sis and him are struggling whilst ex is fine.

It sucks but that's what you let yourself in for and who would be with a man that didn't put his kids first?

He can go via the CSA, he just wants to get it all done amicably but this is looking less and less likely.

We talk very openly about it but it never shanges the fact that she won't progress the divorce.

Has she got money to burn then OP as this tooing and froing must be costing her just as much in fees.

Ok, first things first: It's not her fault, at least not only her fault, it is your partner's fault as well for setting unrealistic expectations by giving her such a mount of money.

Second, she can procastrinate as much as she wants, but at the end of the day. your partner could have been divorced without her consent years ago. He has not yet bothered to find the way: Increadibly easy, download forms, take them to court. Apply for a decree absolute a month and 1 day after they reply to him. She doesn't need to give consent for the divorce to go ahead.

Third, you know well that it doesn't matter how angry or upset she is, your partner is not going to be worse off if he takes the matter to court, she already has the house, a monthly paid mortgage and good maintenance for a child who, under the CSA, is not entitled it to it. He has nothing to loose, which brings in my point:

He is not going to stop putting your needs second to his wife's unless you do something drastic.

I would leave, you will be better off financially on your own. It is not fair for you and your children to live in poverty just because your partner doesn't have the guts to balance the things out.

You moved in with a married man. He is married till the divorce is final. Arrangements for finances are none of your business until after his divorce. When they are divorced you can ask him what arrangements they have made and at that point you can work out if you can afford to live together.

You really need to go back to renting alone and get your benefits back. It might be a horrible prospect but your boyfriend has a family and until things are resolved you need to provide for your family.

I have got NO CLUE how she is funding it. In fact I have said on SO many occasions Please check taht you are not going to be landed with her legal fees.

When men get women pregnant I think they should support them so they can look after their kids, it's irrelevant that he decided not to be in a relationship with her anymore, that doesnt relinquish his responsibility. It's not her or their daughters fault he got with someone new.
Your ex should be paying you more cm!

Ok. I know who is funding his solicitor. I do.

Shall I tell you?

Pedigree you are quite right this could have been all over moons ago. They have the decree Nisi and have had it for a very very long time.

I think being "amicable" is a lovely idea, has he spoken to the ex to say that he's going to have to reduce the maintenance?

Sorry to be so blunt, is he still in love with the ex? I can't understand why he puts her needs infront of yours, he prioritises her over you. I would be suspicious of their relationship. Unless of course the money is going on something else and he tells you in is her. It doesn't sound above board, any of it and if I were you I would be pushing for a solution asap or finish.