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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say I'm not going to DB wedding and expect not to have the kids told I'm horrible for not taking them?

70 replies

freddy05 · 11/07/2012 16:24

DB has just announced he's getting married somewhere very expensive a long way from anywhere so we would have to stay in the hotel at £150+ a night plus whatever the child addition is for the kids. It's 300+ miles away so a lot of fuel costs as well on top of accommodation. The wedding is 18 months away and they want the kids to be bridesmaids.

I have been looking for work for 12 months since I finished maternity leave having left university with a PGCE, secondary teaching is not a good place to find work at the minute with the falling rolls so I have been struggling, not helped by the now two year out of the classroom, but I have applied for anything and everything that I am qualified for so there is little else I can do but keep at it.

We live off my husbands salary, which is not very high but we budget carefully so we never owe anyone anything and never expect people to pay for things for us but by the end of every month we are eating beans on toast and wearing an extra jumper instead of using the heating. I cannot for the life of me see how we can possibly save the money up to attend the wedding, if I suddenly found a job it would be different but I really can't see that happening anytime soon not that I'm not trying my best to find one.

The text from DB says he doesn't mind if we don't go, I personally wouldn't have arranged a wedding I knew my sister couldn't afford to go to but it's his wedding and his choice, but I know that if I say we're not going he'll suddenly have a problem with it and will be telling the kids he wanted them involved but we wouldn't let them and my mum will be doing the same on top of telling me how I'm letting him down by not going and giving a bad impression to the new in laws. (as if I'm not feeling bad enough already that I have to tell my kids no all the time because I can't find a job)

So given the circumstances AIBU to expect not to be bad mouthed to the kids for saying we can't go?

OP posts:
lurkedtoolong · 11/07/2012 16:28

Sounds to me like you've already decided that your DB is completely in the wrong for having arranged a wedding with doesn't suit you and will be bad-mouthing you. Why don't you wait until something is said before having a rant? But it WBU of DB to bad mouth, if he does

LemonBreeland · 11/07/2012 16:28

Is the wedding close to where your DB lives, or is he having it miles away for no good reason?

I would not commit to anything until as late as possible. If he wants your DC there that much he will pay for it.

Nancy66 · 11/07/2012 16:28

nobody has bad mouthed you have they? You're just imagining that they might.

You really can't save the money over 18 months? I can't imagine not going to my brother's wedding.

Treblesallround · 11/07/2012 16:29

Are you sure you'll be bad mouthed? Any history of this?

LaurieFairyCake · 11/07/2012 16:29

But he hasn't yet Confused

Instead you have a text to keep saying he doesn't mind.

You can't afford it and have nothing to be ashamed of. Why would you give a crap about what your brothers new in laws think - you're hardly likely to meet them much when they're 300 miles away.

Good luck with the job hunting.

RedBlanket · 11/07/2012 16:30

But he has said he doesn't mind of you can't go so whats the problem?

tethersend · 11/07/2012 16:32

So... Is your brother being unreasonable in your imagination?

Um. Probably?

tootiredtothink · 11/07/2012 16:32

So he hasn't badmouthed you? Or told kids you're horrible for not taking them?.....

tootiredtothink · 11/07/2012 16:34

X posted with everyone! Damn my slow typing!

Original poster
freddy05 · 11/07/2012 16:34

we were bullied by my mum and brother into going to my sisters wedding last year so I know it is most likely they will try it.

he can get married where he likes it's completely up to him all I was asking was was I unreasonable not to want to be made to feel worse about not having two pennies to rub together when I had to say we couldn't go.

OP posts:
Ormiriathomimus · 11/07/2012 16:35

What a bastard! Fancy being rude and critical of you in your imagination Grin

Roseformeplease · 11/07/2012 16:36

Can you go cheaply? Tent nearby and book a bus far ahead. Save up two pounds a week for 18 months and you could pay for some of it. I would talk to him about it. Maybe he has friends nearby, or in laws could put you up. It is a long time in the future to decide definitely one way or the other.

Nancy66 · 11/07/2012 16:37

do you not like your family? You seem very reluctant to attend your siblings weddings

Blacksquirrel · 11/07/2012 16:37

You sound like you are making yourself feel worse.

I'm not sure you couldn't save up enough money in 18 months...can you not afford to put aside £30 a month?

Ephiny · 11/07/2012 16:37

I don't get it. He said he doesn't mind, and no one is badmouthing you Confused.

YANBU to not go if you can't afford it though.

Ormiriathomimus · 11/07/2012 16:38

Camping is a good idea. We were invited to DH's neice's wedding in Worthing a few years ago and we couldn't afford a hotel. Found a nice camp site and spent about £26 (plus petrol).

diddl · 11/07/2012 16:41

Well, if you can´t afford it, you can´t!

If you want to go, do you have a sibling/other relative who might want to go alone & would share travel/accomodation with?

Dprince · 11/07/2012 16:43

I think you are making more of this than you need to. Why didn't you want to go to your sisters wedding? Is this something that happens alot, you refusing to attend family events? If so, why?

Original poster
freddy05 · 11/07/2012 16:44

I'll check out campsites that's a good idea and should save a bit.

we really don't have £30 a month to save we really don't have two pennies left each month. If I can sort a job I'll be there no bother at all just like I was to the at my other 3 siblings that took place when I had a job and money.

I guess I just feel crap enough about how life is at the minute and don't really want to feel I'm letting my kids down even more.

thanks, for the suggestion to stop worrying about it for now I'll try and do just that :)

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 11/07/2012 16:44

It is vey clear that there is some history behind it and that they OP has already been made feeling guilty in similar circumstances.

I don't think you can blame her to feel the way she is tbh.

YANBU to think no one should bully you into going to wedding that you can't afford.
YANBU to feel sad about not going either.

blackteaplease · 11/07/2012 16:45

But he hasn't said that has he?

You don't have to stay at the ultra expensive hotel. B&b, traveledge and camping all cheaper. There are cheap ways to make this work if you really wanted to attend.

Original poster
freddy05 · 11/07/2012 16:46

we couldn't afford my sisters wedding due to short notice and new baby but we did go in the end and paid for it ourselves.

OP posts:
Vagaceratops · 11/07/2012 16:46

You have 18 months to try and save though.

Sounds like you dont want to go anyway.

LadyInDisguise · 11/07/2012 16:46

You are not letting your dcs down. You would be if you were noit looking after them or something like this.
but not if you say 'We are not going to the wedding because we don't have the money'
£150 per person + children IS a lot of money.

Pandemoniaa · 11/07/2012 16:46

You seem very determined to create a drama long before it might be necessary. Your brother has given you a year and a half to save the money yet you are already condemning him for how he's planning his wedding. Clearly it is important to him that you are there or he wouldn't have asked your dcs to be bridesmaids but actually, it's not reasonable to expect him and his fiancee to plan the day entirely around your own circumstances.

You may well get a job in plenty of time to afford the wedding. You could also start saving very small weekly amounts from now. Or you could explain to your brother that, as things stand, it may be difficult for you to afford to attend. He might then offer to help by finding cheaper accommodation or contributing to your costs.

I'm also wondering if your brother's message about not minding if you don't go is a direct result of how you behaved over your sister's wedding and perhaps it is not an attempt to stir up trouble but instead, a means of avoiding the trouble you seem to be anticipating so keenly.