to say I'm not going to DB wedding and expect not to have the kids told I'm horrible for not taking them?

[freddy05]

DB has just announced he's getting married somewhere very expensive a long way from anywhere so we would have to stay in the hotel at £150+ a night plus whatever the child addition is for the kids. It's 300+ miles away so a lot of fuel costs as well on top of accommodation. The wedding is 18 months away and they want the kids to be bridesmaids.

I have been looking for work for 12 months since I finished maternity leave having left university with a PGCE, secondary teaching is not a good place to find work at the minute with the falling rolls so I have been struggling, not helped by the now two year out of the classroom, but I have applied for anything and everything that I am qualified for so there is little else I can do but keep at it.

We live off my husbands salary, which is not very high but we budget carefully so we never owe anyone anything and never expect people to pay for things for us but by the end of every month we are eating beans on toast and wearing an extra jumper instead of using the heating. I cannot for the life of me see how we can possibly save the money up to attend the wedding, if I suddenly found a job it would be different but I really can't see that happening anytime soon not that I'm not trying my best to find one.

The text from DB says he doesn't mind if we don't go, I personally wouldn't have arranged a wedding I knew my sister couldn't afford to go to but it's his wedding and his choice, but I know that if I say we're not going he'll suddenly have a problem with it and will be telling the kids he wanted them involved but we wouldn't let them and my mum will be doing the same on top of telling me how I'm letting him down by not going and giving a bad impression to the new in laws. (as if I'm not feeling bad enough already that I have to tell my kids no all the time because I can't find a job)

So given the circumstances AIBU to expect not to be bad mouthed to the kids for saying we can't go?

Sometimes some people say one thing but mean another. Maybe the OP's brother is one of these.

OP look into it and see if there are cheaper options so you can attend your brother's wedding but if you can't afford it you can't afford it...it's as simple as that.

Some posters here are reading things that I just can't see .

I don't think the OP ever said she didn't want to go.

She said she is still struggling with the fact she was bullied into going to a wedding she couldn't afford.
And that she is feeling crap atm because of money/work worries.

Nothing that surprising about any of these.

Have you tried supply teaching as a foot in?

My Auntie seems to work a lot doing that and enjoys it.

There are two xmases and at least one birthday between now and then - can your mum/DB not shout you the hotel room instead of presents?

Pandemoniaa, even with 1.5 year to plan, when there is little money, there is little money.

Agreed, Lady but it's still a long enough time away to consider more options than merely turning down the invitation.

Why don't you wait until he badmouths you to your children before dealing with it? Why do you think you know in advance what other people's reactions are going to be?
If he had actually done this, you would not be unreasonable to be pissed off, but you are majorly unreasonable for being pissed off at something you imagine he might do

I want to go to his wedding just like I wanted to go to my sisters I also want to have the money to buy new school shoes for next term all of which right now I don't have. I'm sorry if I came across as thinking he shouldn't do what he wants to because I don't think that at all. His wedding should be what he wants it to be no questions asked.

MammaTJ I spoke to some agencies about supply and they said they couldn't get me enough to cover childcare at the minute! I think I am going to have to do something like that at some point though or maybe look at TA or something not that I think they'll employ me for those but who know. I'm also looking in my previous area of work so I am doing all I can.

dilysprice you might just have something there, that had never struck me but I might phone and ask my dad. You've just made me smile for the first time in hours thank you :)

Could you ask your parents instead of christmas presents tgis year fo your family they treat you to your room on the night of the wedding?

Petrol - start a loose change jar. Its amazing how quick the 5ps and that add up.

18months away will actually be nearer next christmas so there is thw strong possibility some work will come by yiur way before then?

Could you pick up some evning pt work for some extra money to put away for this?

Oooh xpost with Dylis. Fab idea.

As someone else said, supply teachers are always needed. We have one or two per week on average in my school and don't suffer with poor attendance, long term sickness etc. People are always needed to cover for CPD and it would build up your experience too so good on your CV. You'd pay for the trip and hotel in a couple of days. I've done it myself in the past to get extra income for trips away or treats.

Or have you already decided that you don't want to go?

Sorry - x posted!!

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it, nothing more to be said although the suggestions about camping and booking train / coach well in advance could certainly reduce the expense drastically.

On the job front I'd have thought you'd have a good chance of getting some Cover Supervisor / Substitute work, I was planning a career change into teaching a few years back after being made redundant and spoke to a local Recruitment agency who specialised in Teachers and that kind of work. It would at least get you back into a classroom and help keep your skills fresh / freshen up your CV. There wasn't a lot of work, but a few times longer term contracts would have been available if I'd had a teaching qualification. Of course if your children are pre-school age then short notice child care can be a problem, I was lucky that mine were school age and the out of hours care at ds2's school were perfectly happy to take him on short / no notice occasionally.

Have you thought about exam marking too? My friend is a marker and has suggested it to me whilst on maternity leave this year. You can work from home and earning potential is quite good I hear. Exams set all year now so potentially you could pick up some work in the next few months?

How about looking for a job that isnt teaching related if there are no teaching jobs around?

18 months is a long way off, and you could easily do plenty of ebaying in that time to raise money.

YABU and very negative. I could understand it if it was two months away, but 18 months and you are already putting up objections... that is unreasonable.

I'd not thought about marking 'Margarethamilton' but I'll have a look into that thanks

'Zalen' I think I am going to have to take the big risk come September and sign up for the agencies and hope like hell that they get me enough work to cover the childcare and hopefully that will resolve all this worry as well :)

Thanks again every one I will try not to worry about anything before it happens and concentrate on finding a job and solving the problem all together :)

Agree with Squeaky. It's a year and a half away and you've already effectively said no.

YABU and very negative. I totally sympathise with you being skint, but TBH, if someone said to me (for example) they can't come to my wedding in 2014 because they are skint I would take it as a snub!

Many things could change by then. Your circumstances are unlikely to be identical to what they are today:

-You might have a job by then
-Your DH might have a pay increase by then
-You might have some money from a work-from-home job by then (see above re: marking)
-You could have eBayed the stuff your kids have grown out of by then

It just sounds like you've thrown in the towel without trying and are already on the defensive.

Hey- at least he's INVITING the kids and not getting married abroad! ( see millions of previous wedding threads)

Good luck!

Good luck with the job hunt OP. There's always a place for good, reliable and conscientious teachers. I'm sure you'll find something this year. It seems that this is getting you down more than the wedding so I'd accept the invitation provisionally and work on your CV and work experience. And do pursue the marking too.

Perhaps just tell your brother that you would hate to miss his wedding and will make every effort to get the cash together to attend (eg hotel room as presents) but if your financial circumstances don't improve it will be very difficult / impossible to attend. I'd ask him not to mention it to your kids about being attendants in case they have to be disappointed and ask him to discuss with his fiance, what their cut off date is for you to say whether you are going or not so they can find replacement bridesmaids. If they want to start ordering outfits sooner rather than later (at their expense - sod the etiquitte though I've never met a bridesmaid yet who has paid for their own satin horror show) then perhaps you will have to ask your parents or another sibling to take them on your behalf if your kids are old enough?

Well if money is tight I can see why you don't want to spend that amount of money. But do you have to stay in the expensive hotel. You've 18 months to save a bit of money up, and travel lodges are really cheap if you pay in advance.

I can't speak for everyone. But I think it's important that brothers and sisters make an effort to attend each others weddings if at all possible. Would you go if the cost wasn't so high. I don't think you are letting your kids down in any way though. Can't see that one at all.

thank you again.

I've spoken to my dad about it and he says to accept the invite and the involvement of the kids and if I can't pay for it when it comes he'll 'underwrite' the rest until I can. I hate owing people money but we had a long talk and he agreed that my mum and other siblings would not be the nicest about it if I said we couldn't go so he wanted to sort it for me.

thank you for all the suggestions about work I'm going to look into all of them, pull myself together a bit and try to stop worrying about things too far ahead

Thanks xx

Glad it's worked out. Your dad sounds lovely!

The people who say "It's x months away, surely you can save £x a month between now and then" really bloody annoy me.

When you budget your finances carefully to make sure you can pay your bills (as the op has said she does) '£x per month' is not as feasible as some seem to think it is. If someone said to me "Well surely you can put £30 a month away between now and then" I'd have to reply "With all the will in the world I can't magic money out of thin air I'm afraid so no, I can't"

OP I like the suggestions of asking for the room for birthday/xmas presents. Could you chat with your brother to discuss the bridesmaid issue too and make sure that won't be a cost that spirals?