to say I'm not going to DB wedding and expect not to have the kids told I'm horrible for not taking them?

[freddy05]

DB has just announced he's getting married somewhere very expensive a long way from anywhere so we would have to stay in the hotel at £150+ a night plus whatever the child addition is for the kids. It's 300+ miles away so a lot of fuel costs as well on top of accommodation. The wedding is 18 months away and they want the kids to be bridesmaids.

I have been looking for work for 12 months since I finished maternity leave having left university with a PGCE, secondary teaching is not a good place to find work at the minute with the falling rolls so I have been struggling, not helped by the now two year out of the classroom, but I have applied for anything and everything that I am qualified for so there is little else I can do but keep at it.

We live off my husbands salary, which is not very high but we budget carefully so we never owe anyone anything and never expect people to pay for things for us but by the end of every month we are eating beans on toast and wearing an extra jumper instead of using the heating. I cannot for the life of me see how we can possibly save the money up to attend the wedding, if I suddenly found a job it would be different but I really can't see that happening anytime soon not that I'm not trying my best to find one.

The text from DB says he doesn't mind if we don't go, I personally wouldn't have arranged a wedding I knew my sister couldn't afford to go to but it's his wedding and his choice, but I know that if I say we're not going he'll suddenly have a problem with it and will be telling the kids he wanted them involved but we wouldn't let them and my mum will be doing the same on top of telling me how I'm letting him down by not going and giving a bad impression to the new in laws. (as if I'm not feeling bad enough already that I have to tell my kids no all the time because I can't find a job)

So given the circumstances AIBU to expect not to be bad mouthed to the kids for saying we can't go?

"they want the kids to be bridesmaids"
That's the critical point for me. DB must be aware of the OP's financial position before inviting them as bridesmaids, knowing that the whole family will have to travel and stay in a pricey hotel.
DB is putting them in an embarrassing position and that is BU.

The gifts of money idea is good too - even if you don't tell extended family that's what it's for, you could just say you're saving for something.

Also suggest you do look at the marking options, my dad is retired from teaching but makes about £2k a month when he's marking exam papers (does this about 4 times a year). It can normally be done in evenings/weekends when your DH can have the DCs so it's completely 'cost free' work.

OP, what's your specialist subject? (Sounds like Mastermind!) I'm an exam marker so could give you some advice. There are loads on here. It would be great for your teaching CV - it really sets you apart from the other teachers if you're an examiner in the subject you teach.

Have you had a CRB check? Have you thought of joining Sitters babysitting agency? It depends on where you live as to how much work you'd get, but it'd be a start in the right direction.

I'm a maths teacher, there's a shortage apparently but you wouldn't know it!!

I might look into tutoring and certainly look at the marking, anything would be good and take the pressure off. the sitters thing might work as well so thanks for that :)

The wedding is 18 months away, can you really not save up enough money to attend your brothers wedding?

I appreciate it's annoying he's having it in the middle of nowhere but yes your brother. You sound like you've already decided your not going snd not making any effort to attend.

I think you might be BU.

So glad you have it sorted and you don't have to be left out of such an important famiy event.

"so I am doing all I can" re job hunting. But you aren't though are you OP??
you have dismissed supply teaching as you think it wouldn't cover your childcare costs - sign on with several teaching agencies and see what they come up with. You have not so far explored the TA route, people have suggested marking and babysitting. How about:

• exam invigiliation (obv seasonal) in colleges, unis, private schools? I know people who do this

-school administration - there were lots of school admin jobs in my local paper yesterday and some are school hours and term time only - no childcare costs -lunchtime supervisor? -learning mentor? -private schools? -after school clubs/holiday clubs/childminding/pick up/drop offs -tutoring - make a card with your details on, stick it up in all local shops/libraries etc -exam coaching for kids -english as a foreign language

Recognise all of the above may not suit re childcare etc but there are LOADS of opportunities out there for you - don't wait for someone to knock on your door and offer you your dream job - its not going to happen. Be proactive and go out there and get the opportunities that are available - it will give you some experience on your cv, you'll build up contacts and earn some cash. Take any opportunity with kids/education - build up your experience and work your way up!

If you explored all of the above you would have your £150 plus extras by christmas let alone the wedding!

of course you can go to the wedding - its great your DB has given you so much notice and that he wants your DCS to be bridesmaids. Don't be put off by negative experiences re your sister's wedding - get some work, save some cash and get yourselves to the wedding - there are good tips on here for accommodation etc

Nothing holding you back but you - go for it!

good luck!

supply teaching?

Some helpful and practical suggestions have been made above. I do agree with calming down at this point, not expecting the worst, and perhaps taking a job that isn't earning more than the childcare costs initially to break into the job market. Nothing gets you a job quicker than being already employed.

However, I also agree with what Stuntgirl said about these theoretical savings on what sounds like a very tight budget. If you've never been in that situation can you not at least make a fair stab at imagining it? You know, the thing where you eBay the children's old clothes just so you can keep feeding them? The one where it's a trip overseas to a posh wedding vs a roof over your head? It's all very well to say "it's your own brother, you can at least make the effort", but if you do not have the money you do not have it. This isn't a trip to save her brother's life. He and his bride will presumably continue to exist after the wedding whether or not all his sisters attended.

Would also like to gently point out that the OP is talking about her own parents and siblings here, so she is likely to be able to make a fair guess at their reactions. "You don't know your brother will say/do that..." no, but she does know what her brother said/did the last few times it came up, and also she's known the man all her life. It's a bit difficult to say oh your brother would rather, oh your brother would never etc, when you don't know anything about him other than what the OP says here, and she has said the family have form. I know my brother would understand in the circumstances. Maybe yours would as well. But would the OP's? If no-one who has contributed to this thread has any relatives that can be a bit difficult in these situations, lucky them, but do try for a spot of empathy, eh?

It's not unreasonable for DB to have the wedding he wants but it is unreasonable to expect you to pay for kids to be bridesmaids etc if he knows your financial circumstances. Cant he pay for their accommodation and outfits? That way you will only have to pay for yourselves which may be a bit more affordable? Cant you simply tell him you really cant afford it all by yourselves and discuss with him how he could put something towards having your kids involved?

DB wants his nieces to be BMs at his wedding, how exactly is that unreasonable? It woudo be unreasonable if he demanded it, or expected you to pay for the outfits, but nothing like that has been discussed yet.

I personally wouldn't have arranged a wedding I knew my sister wouldn't be able to afford to go to

This sums up your unreasonable attitude towards the whole thing, so I hope this thread is helping you see that. What about your DBs future wife? Is she not entitled to have the wedding she wants?

You have 18 months to scrape together about 600 pounds. I'm sure you can do it. Find a fill in temporary non teaching job, mark some papers, vigilate some exams or do some supply work. Do a bit of child minding or serving in a pub even?

How exciting DB wants to have a wedding in a lovely setting all those miles away. It will be a really special family time together for everyone if you instead agree to go with the flow.

Work a couple of evenings a week somewhere?

I was about to say the same thing Fishnets.. surely it would be easy enough to get a couple of evenings a week bar work. Even if it only brought in £40 that is nearly £3000 you could save over 18 months.

I really don't know where you are when a Maths teacher can't get a job and there are falling roles.
Okay contact schools direct for supply, especially any you have worked in/other connections. Also do tutoring, you should charge over £30 an hour (talk to local teachers to check local rates). It is a very nice earner, and can befitted around children. If you can do some daytime, do contact any local HomeEducation networks, quite often they will get a tutor in especially to do a group who are working towards GCSE.

I'm getting married in Oct. I live approx 200 miles from my family and want to get married in my now lcoal parish church.

My sister earns bucketloads and so does her husband so no worries there. I have asked her 2 children to be bridesmaids.

My brother really struggles with money. His wife is a SAHM to 2 children and he is the sole provider. I know they struggle with money. I have still asked the children to be pageboy and flower girl. If I asked one set of nieces and not his children there would be war, I'm sure of it! So I have included their children despite there being financial issues.

We are, as a family, aware of my brother's financial issues. I haven't purposefully chosen to have my wedding miles away from him to inflict further pain, nor have I chosen it without thinking of him. I have simply chosen the wedding venue as it is my local community now where I live.

My parents have offered to pay for his accommodation and I am paying for the outfits the children are wearing.

I know not all families are the same but don't think your brother has purposefully chosen a wedding venue to exclude you or one that is causing maximum problems for you. He has given you 18 months notice, as I did to mine.

It's all about consideration and compromise.

Please don't say you are not going just like that. There are normally ways around things. Are people really aware of how you are struggling? Sometimes people don't even realise...

Can you try tutoring until you get a job ?

I would say to DB - we would love to come, but given how tight things are financially I can't make any promises. Ask him not to plan on the kids being an active part of the ceremony, and that you will do your best to come if you can.

All families are different. I know that mine would discreetly help us out if we couldn't afford something important like a brother's wedding.
My much better off brother has paid for me to go on holiday with SIL and kids while he watched telly etc at home [ulterior motive there!].
My parents have asked us to 'join them' in a holiday cottage they have booked. All done kindly without drama or drawing attention to our lesser finances.

Maybe go to the wedding instead of on holiday?

Holidays are hell anyway.