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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if a GrandParent offers to take GChild they should pay?

58 replies

inchoccyheaven · 10/07/2012 22:53

My DM and her H offered to take DS2 to cinema so all is arranged and she mentioned she had got orange weds for herself and her H but there was a slight pause and no mention about paying for DS2 ticket. So I asked if I should give him some money for snacks and she said yes.

Now I know in the great scheme of things this is very trivial but I thought that if you offer to take someone especially a child then you pay for the whole outing.

I did ask her if she could look after ds2 while ds1 had a sporting event recently and I gave her money in case she wanted to take him out for lunch which she took and bought him food for tea instead as she fed him at home at lunch time. (Wasn't needed as I picked him up at 4.30pm ) Not got a problem with that although again I was a bit surprised that she did.

I would never accept money for taking a child relative out if it was my own choice and same with dc friends.

So aibu to be a bit miffed that she can't treat her gc?

DC are 12 and nearly 10.

OP posts:

MrsHuxtable · 10/07/2012 22:58

Is she short of money?

kinkyfuckery · 10/07/2012 22:59

I would be miffed too.

PipFEH · 10/07/2012 23:01

YANBU. Very strange.

lovebunny · 10/07/2012 23:01

why did she offer if she couldn't or wouldn't pay? she needs to be more careful about how she phrases her offers. 'i'm going to the cinema. x and y can come along, if you like, if you can pay for the tickets.'

serotoninbutterfly · 10/07/2012 23:01

kinkyfuckery you stole my name change!

IsItMeOr · 10/07/2012 23:01

I think YANBU to think that they might pay, but YABU to expect them to pay. My family experience is that the norm is for parents and Gparents to both try to pay and it's a race to see who can slap the money down first, if that helps.

griphook · 10/07/2012 23:03

I suppose it depends whether you were intending to take him yourself and whether dm taking him out for a few hours helps you out or whether this this was an expensive you couldn't or wouldn't have afforded.

It can be very irritating if people spend your money for you

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 10/07/2012 23:06

I think it's unusual to make an invitation to a child and then expect the parents to pay. I don't have grandchildren but I've taken my DCs friends out with us to the cinema and I've always paid for the tickets, I think it would be quite rude to offer and then expect the parents to pay.

pigletmania · 10/07/2012 23:07

YANBU at all. If they offer to take dgc out they should pay

usualsuspect · 10/07/2012 23:08

Depends if they are short of money or not , I would always offer to pay if someone was taking my children out.

OhTheConfusion · 10/07/2012 23:09

How odd

AlmostAHipster · 10/07/2012 23:11

If my mum takes my kids out, she pays. Every time. She would never expect me to fork out because she's the one taking them. if she's skint, then she'll take them to her house and feed them from what she's already got in.

How awkward for you, OP.

usualsuspect · 10/07/2012 23:12

We all help each other out in my family, my DD would offer to contribute if I was taking my Grandchildren out.

usualsuspect · 10/07/2012 23:14

Or she would give them some money to spend.

OhNoMyFanjo · 10/07/2012 23:16

Next time I'd be replying I can't afford for you to take them out!

EndoplasmicReticulum · 10/07/2012 23:18

If I ask my parents to look after my children because I'm at work then I make sure they don't end up paying. But if parents offer a trip as yours have done here then they should pay. Although really politeness demands that you offer to pay and they turn you down.

lunamoon · 10/07/2012 23:18

YANBU.
My Mum is a bit like this though. I actually had words with her when she asked dd at a sporting event that my ds was in, "Would you like some sweets?" When dd replied yes she then had the cheek to say "Well go and ask your mum for the money then!"
I was seriously pissed off.

BackforGood · 10/07/2012 23:20

It's nice if they are able to do so, but, OTOH, if they couldn't afford it, I wouldn't want them to not take them to something that would help me out a bit, because they didn't have the money.
I think the important thing is to be clear in the first offer.
eg
"DH and I are going to see {insert film} on our orange Wed deal. We can't really afford to take dgc, but, if it helps you - ie stops you having to go with them to something you don't want to see - then he's welcome to come with us, if you or he is able to pay for his own ticket".
To my mind the problem is saying they will take him somewhere and then you ending up footing the bill.
Still, at least they didn't bill you for their tickets too

StateofConfusion · 10/07/2012 23:21

My dm often takes the dc places when she does my little brother and sister, and we take dbro and dsis in return, however if we know the others a bit skint we hand some cash over, although tbh, neither of us would offer if we can't afford to but we swap favours so to speak, so not really relevant

UniS · 10/07/2012 23:23

I send DS out with grandad with bus fare and entry to where ever costs. Its polite. UP to grandad if he spends that money or returns it. sometimes he does one, sometimes the other. Grandad generally funds ice cream however.

pigletmania · 10/07/2012 23:24

Well if they are short of money, find something free or cheap to do, like park, walk, picnic. Thought the whole point op being a grandparent is to spoil your grandchild

usualsuspect · 10/07/2012 23:26

Well not everyone can afford to spoil their grandchildren.

SundaeGirl · 10/07/2012 23:29

YANBU. She offered therefore should have done the 2-1 for her and your DS.

It all sounds a bit icky. Is she always like this? It doesn't sound very grandmotherly.

BackforGood · 10/07/2012 23:31

Yes, but sometimes, it is cheaper for your child to go along with other people to something, even if you fund their entry, than you having to take them and end up paying for you (and possibly other siblings as well).

An example, a friend of mine was having a bit if a hard time with her boys across the holidays last year. We were going to a local attraction (about £14 to get in). I couldn't really afford to treat him, but knew if he (the older one, who has some special needs) came with us for the day, a) he'd love it, and b) it would make her day easier. So I phoned her and explained that, if she could fund his entry, we'd take him, but obviously I'd understand if it was too much money. She was delighted that he'd got the day out and it had only cost her £14, not the £42 + petrol (£30ish?) + ice-creams etc it would have cost if she'd taken him there and had to pay in for her and her other son. If she'd not been able to or hadn't wanted him to come, that would be fine as he knew nothing of the offer until she decided he could go. I think that's the point - the adults need to be clear what the offer is, before agreeing to anything.

Original poster

inchoccyheaven · 10/07/2012 23:32

Blimey I thought I was going to get flamed and told I was being very unreasonable

I don't know exactly what DM money situation is but I am confident in saying they can afford a trip to the cinema going by other things they do.

This is the first time in years that she has taken either gc out or even looked after them apart from when I took ds1 to the sports event and she had ds2. She lives very close by but really only comes to see dc at christmas and occasionally birthdays. My sis lives abroad and she goes to see her and her dc at least 3 times a year.

It has been a strange relationship between DM and gc and there isn't the bond between them that I hoped for, but that is partly my fault and hers. She admitted after having ds2 recently that she had been apprenhensive about it but it had been fine and to be honest it is the first time he has ever said he wanted to go so I was just as surprised it went well.

She is trying harder now to be more interested in them especially ds2 as ( in my eyes) ds1 can do no wrong being first gc and she did used to take him out some weekends etc when he was tiny before ds2 came along.

I am not sure whether to ask her outright if she wants money for his ticket or just give him enough for snacks? I will feel awkward either way. I can afford to give her the money of needs be.

We probably wouldn't have gone to see this particular film and ds2 will enjoy it but wouldn't have been devestated if he we hadn't taken him as there are other films coming out that the whole of our family ( me DH and dc) would rather see.

OP posts:

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