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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if a GrandParent offers to take GChild they should pay?

58 replies

inchoccyheaven · 10/07/2012 22:53

My DM and her H offered to take DS2 to cinema so all is arranged and she mentioned she had got orange weds for herself and her H but there was a slight pause and no mention about paying for DS2 ticket. So I asked if I should give him some money for snacks and she said yes.

Now I know in the great scheme of things this is very trivial but I thought that if you offer to take someone especially a child then you pay for the whole outing.

I did ask her if she could look after ds2 while ds1 had a sporting event recently and I gave her money in case she wanted to take him out for lunch which she took and bought him food for tea instead as she fed him at home at lunch time. (Wasn't needed as I picked him up at 4.30pm ) Not got a problem with that although again I was a bit surprised that she did.

I would never accept money for taking a child relative out if it was my own choice and same with dc friends.

So aibu to be a bit miffed that she can't treat her gc?

DC are 12 and nearly 10.

OP posts:

pourmeanotherglass · 10/07/2012 23:35

As we both work and my parents are retired, I'd be happy to pay (and grateful for the babysitting). If it were the other way round, it might be different.

SundaeGirl · 10/07/2012 23:37

What's the film?

Original poster

inchoccyheaven · 10/07/2012 23:48

It is Spiderman Sundaegirl. In 3d because DM's H wanted to not ds2.

OP posts:

SrirachaGirl · 10/07/2012 23:48

Possibly she hasn't thought it through? My parents always pay if they invite my children (to the expensive excursions they enjoy) but they can easily afford it....if they couldn't I would still be delighted (and so would DCs) if they offered to take DCs to the park, over to theirs for a movie, to kick a ball around, for tea etc.

SrirachaGirl · 10/07/2012 23:52

If it makes any difference, I just took my two little boys to see Spiderman 4 and DS1 (7) declared that he "did not want the movie to end because it was the best movie he'd ever seen" (he's not usually one for hyperbole). We didn't see it in 3D and even I enjoyed it (don't usually like superhero flicks) .

AKE2012 · 11/07/2012 08:41

If i offer to take a child somewhere id expect to pay for the child. If i ask someone to take my child somewhere i pay. You didnt ask, they offered so they should pay.

illcryifiwantto · 11/07/2012 08:45

i don't think yanbu I'm taking mys ds daughter on holiday with me to turkey next month

while I'm happy to pay for the holiday and trips while we are there ect i asked dsis to make sure that dn has sunscreen insurance and some spending money ( not much as we are all inc) whatever spends my sister give dn i will match it for her as well

i think if your offering to take someone somewhere then the person who is offering should pay at the very least for the entrance ect

dh brother inlay asked us years ago if he could take dss on holiday with them as one of there kids couldn't go
then after dh agreed heh came out with a list of stuff that dh had to get

50 for return ticket to the airport
20 insurance
200 for trips
ok it was a holiday abroad but i think that they should have mentioned that they wanted this before they asked if dss could go

BelRowley · 11/07/2012 10:32

I think YABU. Of course it would be nice if DM paid but why shouldn't you chip in for the price of the tickets. I think it's unreasonable if it's a late request for lots of cash after all agreed as for Illcry but otherwise surely you would always offer the money anyway? Just to be polite?

holyfishnets · 11/07/2012 12:55

yes unless they are honestly skint

Mumsyblouse · 11/07/2012 13:48

Very odd, but I think because she's so new to doing grandparent=y (made-up word) things, I'd give him a generous amount of money on this occasion.

I leave my children with one of their grandparents for 10 days, I would never offer money. I'm starting to worry if this is rude. But I would never charge them for coming to stay in our house, or feeding them or taking them out in the car. Surely all this stuff is part and parcel of being in a family- and if you really are skint, you either don't invite, or you invite on the basis they pay (say if you were unemployed and wanted money towards food).

Mrsjay · 11/07/2012 14:03

she got orange wednesday yet still asked or hinted for money , is she usually so stingy ?

bamboostalks · 11/07/2012 14:05

Is she tight?

wimblehorse · 11/07/2012 14:08

DH and I had a HUGE row once because he offered to take his nieces to the cinema and then accepted money for tickets that was offered by their parents and for snacks that was offered by their grandparents.
I was mortified - if you offer a treat like that, you should pay.
He refused to accept he was being rude and because it was his family, I had to back down and do it his way.
Am still embarrassed remembering it (it was over a year ago!)

Quenelle · 11/07/2012 14:12

I would expect her to pay for the ticket, yes, but I would also offer some money for sweets and a drink. The cost can really add up once you add the wheelie bin full of popcorn and a bucket of Coke.

My parents often take one of my nieces to their holiday home with them. My sister always makes sure the niece has some spending money for treats and makes sure she buys her grandparents a coffee or an ice cream once or twice during the trip as well.

DialsMavis · 11/07/2012 14:18

If PIL offered to take the DC out then I will send them with some money. PIL are really, really poor and I don't think that they should have to miss out on feeling like they are spoiling their GC because of bad luck. I know they can ill afford the treat they offer, so try and minimise how much they will be out of pocket for just doing something every GP should be able to do.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/07/2012 14:33

"This is the first time in years that she has taken either gc out or even looked after them apart from when I took ds1 to the sports event and she had ds2. She lives very close by but really only comes to see dc at christmas and occasionally birthdays. My sis lives abroad and she goes to see her and her dc at least 3 times a year."

And your Dc are 12 and 10?

Original poster

inchoccyheaven · 11/07/2012 15:33

Well I text DM to ask if she wanted money for his ticket and she replied if that was ok so I will now be paying for everything for him to go, which tbh I am annoyed at because the ticket alone is nearly £8 being a 3d film which is something we never go to see because it is more expensive and not that keen on the 3d effects.

She isn't doing us a favour by taking him, both her and her H want to see it and would have probably gone to see it anyway. I don't think they are skint at all and if they were then why not go when they can afford to take him?

Yes whereyouleftit I can't remember the last time she took either of the dc out and this year is the first in many that we have asked them to babysit so we definitely don't take advantage of them. DM would like to give the impression that she is a doting GP but doesn't actually do much to deserve the title.

I can't blame the lack of relationship between them all on her though as I didn't made an effort to involve her in their lives much after ds2 because she didn't really agree with some of the ways we brought up dc and certainly didn't seem to like ds2 until recently, which he definitely picked up on and never wanted to go and see her. :(

OP posts:

VolAuVent · 11/07/2012 16:21

YANBU. It's the same with any invitation you extend to anyone. You suggest it, you pay. Don't suggest things you can't afford.

HerRoyalNotness · 11/07/2012 16:38

You say her H, I presume this isn't your dad? Is he tight? Maybe this lack of spending on her DGC comes from him. Just a thought.

Original poster

inchoccyheaven · 11/07/2012 17:18

Herroyalnotness no he is only a few years older than me so def not my dad We tolerate each other and pretend to like each other for DM sake, well I do anyway. I don't think he would say to her not to pay just to be tight. I am 99% sure that they pay for lots of things for my sis dc when they visit them or when my sis and family come over here. He might not be my cup of tea but he has always been ok with the dc and my sister's dc adore them both.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/07/2012 18:06

Have you ever talked to your mother about her blatant favouritism?

GoranisGod · 11/07/2012 18:23

YANBU-they are ride and stingy and sound very much like my inlaws!

My inlaws have only taken my kids out twice-they are 9 and 6! The first time they were out from 9am until 6 as I was having work done in house.I didnt offer any cash as my own mum wouldnt dream of taking money off me.

I assumed they would have fed them so didnt cook dinner but when they returned all they had had all day was an ice cream They only took eldest dc btw-so only had to fund 1 ice cream!

The next time they took the 2 dc only after I had made a bit of a fuss-I know mil didnt want to take youngest as they were going some where you had to pay an entrance fee. They took their own picnic and she still moaned about how much it had cost them!

They are not poor either-own a home here,plus a home abroad and 2 cars.

Another thing that gets on my goat about them-they have made friends with other ex-pats and are always going on about how their friends bring their gc on holiday and how much they love it and how much fil makes a fuss of them-but never think to offer to take their own gc!

Sorry for the hijack but they have just returned from their holiday home and I am going to have to start putting up with their shit again!!

ImperialBlether · 11/07/2012 18:59

Mumsyblouse, if my child was going to stay with my parents for 10 days I think I'd pack a box of food or a crate of wine for my parents. It's expensive feeding a child for 10 days.

Original poster

inchoccyheaven · 11/07/2012 19:36

whereyouleftit I haven't mentioned anything as I don't like confrontation and I do love my DM and get on with her mainly. We used to be extremely close ( before dc) but eventually I took off the rose tinted glasses I wore that excused some of the things she had done and now we get on and can have a laugh together etc but will never have the same relationship we did.

My sis on the other hand has gone the other way and now sees my DM as her best friend and involves her completely in her dc lives despite living abroad and speaks to her several times on the phone and skype and her dc think GP is best think since sliced bread.

I think this is why she treats them differently and that is probably my fault.

OP posts:

Original poster

inchoccyheaven · 11/07/2012 20:12

Well I now have to say IABU as she returned his ticket money to me when they got back. Don't know why the change of mind but I will take it while it is going. They had a good time and want to go again in the future.

OP posts:

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