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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to go back to work when we can afford for me to be a SAHM?

66 replies

iloveberries · 10/07/2012 13:49

Background
I'm 31 and DS is 2.5. I've been building my career since leaving uni and am pretty well established in what i do.

I went back to work 2 days a week when DS was 13 months and really enjoyed it but have recently finished at that company. DH and I decided together I would be a SAHM for a while and see how we got on.

I love being with my DS (of course) but am craving mental stimulation. I don't have many mum friends (my friends are mostly pre kids) and despite attending lots of playgroups have failed to meet anyone i really click with. There are lots of lovely mums there but to be blunt I find the conversations they have boring. Most of them haven't worked (out of the home, before i get a flaming!) for years and tend to just talk about children/potty training/which primary school their kids are going to etc which i find really dull.

If I am really honest with myself I think it probably is better for DS if i am a SAHM (more attention for him etc) but I really want to start looking for a job. It is hard to find part time so it would likely be 4 or 5 days a week.

I feel REALLY selfish for wanting to do this.
I also feel reallly guilty for wanting to go off to work and leave DS in nursery. We've been TTC#2 for a year and I have lost 2 pregnancies since then so i feel even more i should be making the most of DS. Everyone tells me to enjoy staying at home as "you don't get the time back".

Financially we can afford for me not to work but things are tight. I really want for them not to be tight again and if i worked we could afford things like meals out, weekends away, nice clothes, cleaner etc. I know you can't compare this to time with a child but I would like to ease the purse strings a bit.

Finally I guess it's the self esteem part. I don't like that i don't earn money. I know raising kids is important but sometimes when DS is screaming and I am cleaning up (again) i feel a bit resentful as i didn't slog my guts out through school/uni/1st 10 yrs of my career to be on my hands and knees cleaning weetabix up - again.

Anyway - I have my hard hat on and am prepared for the MN jury to tell me I need to put my kid first and bring him up myself but perhaps somewhere there is someone who can empathise, or who has been through the same thing?

OP posts:
FlossieMae · 10/07/2012 13:54

yawn

Sorry, but really, do what you want, it's no one else's business. Plus, those that would like to be SATM get a bit Envy at stealth boasts about not having to and all that

noblegiraffe · 10/07/2012 13:57

If you want to go back to work, go back to work. You're not going to be a very good sahm if you're sat there resenting it the whole time.

Trazzletoes · 10/07/2012 13:57

You shouldn't feel guilty whether or not you decide to work. Both are valid choices for a mother and no one else's business. You can still have time with your child and go out to work.

scuzy · 10/07/2012 13:59

if your not happy then your ds will pick up on it. go back to work if you wish. you are not being selfish. its your business.

Original poster
iloveberries · 10/07/2012 14:03

sorry flossie - it wasn't supposed to be a boast at all.
noble - i'm not resenting it - but i don't feel i am really enjoying it.

Thanks trazzle - i have always been in that camp as well and don't judge others on their life choices so I'm not bothered what anyone else thinks of my choices as DS is supportive of whatever i want to do in this situation. It's just that in my head I wonder if i am a bad mum for not wanting to be with DS 7 days a week.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/07/2012 14:06

Go back to work if thats what you want.

Financially I dont need to work although we would have to go without a few luxuries if I didnt. Personally I would go bonkers if I didnt work.

Horses for courses, do what makes you and ultimatally your family happiest. There is no right or wrong, its a personal preference.

eurochick · 10/07/2012 14:06

No, of course YANBU. Do what is right for you as a family. Plenty of my friends with children work. I dare say they could manage on their partner's wages if they wanted to. It's not only about finances, it's also about career development, mental stimulation, self-esteem and so on.

Minesaguinness · 10/07/2012 14:08

Given he is 2.5 and therefore hurtling fast towards his 15 hours of nursery and then school, no reason why you shouldn't work. He's going to start being elsewhere during the days! Might be nice to be part-time so you're around for him a bit after school but not essential.

And don't working mothers still have to scrape up Weetabix? :)

Original poster
iloveberries · 10/07/2012 14:09

true guinness! (on both your comments!)

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 10/07/2012 14:09

Well if you can stay at home for a bit and there's no rush why not look around until you find a more part time job which would be win win really wouldnt it.

lovebunny · 10/07/2012 14:11

when i saw the thread title i thought 'of course you should go back to work if you want to!' but having read the op i'm not sure you actually want to go. i think you might want a more stimulating life rather than to go back to work. clearly you do what your son needs to do, but do you spend any time doing things that you find interesting?

ArtVandelay · 10/07/2012 14:16

YANBU but please don't decide that all us SAHMs are dullards. We aren't and you'll still have to wipe bums and bogies even if you go back to work. Your life won't suddenly transform into some glamorous business related adventure! Nothing wrong with wanting a bit of variety though, do what makes you happy.

samandi · 10/07/2012 14:19

No, why would you be?

Dprince · 10/07/2012 14:23

Yanbu at all. Different people make different choices. Doesn't make you a bad person/ mum.
Sounds like you enjoy working, so why not?

Lucyellensmum12345 · 10/07/2012 14:29

See, what really annoys me is your prejudice towards other SAHMs, you know, they are probably like you and have put good careers on hold and are wanting to discuss things other than nappies. Maybe you could start the ball rolling? It takes imagination to make good conversation, it takes two.

I was a SAHM, i don't think im boring at all - and im dead clever too,, although i hide that well Grin.

Saying that, i really think it would be good for you to return to work, could you do job share if you really don't want to return full-time?

I didn't and it buggered my career really which is a shame because i think its is bollocks that women can't take career breaks without screwing their prospects. My DP always says i did the right thing because you never get those early years back but my word its been tough. I think if i had he opportunity i would have at least worked part-time as I am now struggling to get back to where i was in my career.

Not selfish though, maybe a leeetle bit up your own arse, but i'll forgive you Grin

FamiliesShareGerms · 10/07/2012 14:32

Do what you want to do and don't feel guilty about your choices. Best thing for a happy child, IMHO, is happy parent(s).

MrClaypole · 10/07/2012 14:34

YANBU at all!

We all need to do what is right for ourselves and our families AND STOP SLAGGING OFF EACH OTHER'S CHOICES!!!

And I don't think OP is prejudiced towards stay at home Mums, it just seems like she has not met any that share the same interests as her and she misses the world of work.

RhiRhi123 · 10/07/2012 14:34

I am Envy. I would love to be a SAHM. I work full time long hours and do a 100mile round trip to get there and back. I do it because i have to and atm its the best thing for my family. If i didn't work the bills wouldn't get paid. My DH also works FT. I have to travel as I live in a small town and there isn't the work available that earns what i need to earn to get by.

My DD is 13 mo and it kills me to leave her everyday however i am lucky as my sister is able to look after her shes not in a nursery for 12 hours a day.

YANBU for wanting to go back to work - when i was on mat leave although i loved being at home with dd i really wanted mental stimulation. however now i am back at work although i enjoy my job i am a wreck. I get no sleep - dd still wont sleep through. I have no time for my self - i spend my weekends cleaning and washing and then i get up monday to do it all again. The grass isn't always greener.

When i was at home i used to dream of meetings and wearing smart clothes and having intelligent conversations with people lol and now i dream of getting up going to the park or playgroup and playing with my dd :) - we're never satisfied.

Is there a way you could start your own business or like some others have suggested waiting until you can find something part time? I honestly understand your want to work you just need to get the right balance - something I havent mastered yet! :)

SeventhEverything · 10/07/2012 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrClaypole · 10/07/2012 14:35

Oh and another vote for part time work! I went back p/t when DS was 12 months old and 5 years later I'm still enjoying the mix of SAHM and WOHM!

MrsHelsBels74 · 10/07/2012 14:37

I work 2.5 days per week & to be honest if I was a stay at home mum I think I'd go crazy. I love my little boy to death but I can't look after him 24/7. I view the situation that he benefits from nursery & I benefit from not going mad Wink

I'm pretty sure my son doesn't suffer & we both enjoy the days we are together more than if it was every day.

Original poster
iloveberries · 10/07/2012 14:37

why thanks lucy!

I am definitely not predjudiced towards other SAHMs and really didn't want this thread to turn into bashing other people's life choices! Apologies if it came across as predjudiced as it wasn't meant to.

It just happens that the SAHMs i have met are not interested in talking about anything apart from kids, believe me i have tried starting conversations about all sorts of different things and it just gets a "meh" and then it's back to talking about kids, or just dull playgroup gossip.

Thanks for posting your view on what happened to your career - it is bollocks isn't it - equally bollocks is the lack of part time positions - as that would be ideal for lots of families.

OP posts:
whenyouseeitwaveorcheer · 10/07/2012 14:38

I feel like this somedays, having been in a similar position to you (made redundant on m/l with DC2 and decided to stay at home for a while to see how we got on).

I do love being at home, but I also miss the routine of work. I am 'lucky' I guess in that, although I had a degree and career job my job bored me and wasn't really what I wanted to do. So although I miss the social side/mental stimulation I do remember what it was like to be doing a job that made me miserable.

Anyway, my solution has been to throw myself into as much stuff as I can in my spare time - gym, choir, I take up most social invitations that come my was. I have found that a lot of the people I've met through playgroups etc I maybe haven't clicked with. But there are a handful who are absolute diamonds and I'm so glad to have met them.

I'm also planning to get some voluntary work in the evenings for the next 2 years until the youngest goes to school so that I have experience in the field I want to be in when I look to go back to work.

Being a SAHM is what you make it, really. But I think you may find it/your life more fulfilling if you put some effort and time into doing what you want to do.

That said, working is equally valid and if you love and miss your old career I think go for it!

Original poster
iloveberries · 10/07/2012 14:44

oops, the thread moved on!

Thanks claypole - no bashing from me!! i would love p/t but have been looking for that for a few months with no luck. To rhirhi'spoint though - i am working on a couple of business ideas though most people i know who are self employed work 50+hours per week!!!!

Good advice waveandcheer - i suppose i have checked out of playgroups in the last 6 months as i've found them dull and rather hang out with just DS but perhaps i should take a different mindset and throw myself back into them. This probably sounds silly but since losing the 2 pregnancies i have found playgroups very hard as all the mums of toddlers are with baby or bump too and, at risk of sounding dramatic, i find it, and a lot of the associated conversation pretty tough.

OP posts:
Cuddler · 10/07/2012 14:47

If you want to go back mostly because of the mental stimulation then there other ways you could get it other than work.I think we are so hung up on work and having a job as a culture,there is more to life than that.Get a hobby,make some new friends,read,lots.If its more than that then go back to work,what about part time?