to want to go back to work when we can afford for me to be a SAHM?

[iloveberries]

Background
I'm 31 and DS is 2.5. I've been building my career since leaving uni and am pretty well established in what i do.

I went back to work 2 days a week when DS was 13 months and really enjoyed it but have recently finished at that company. DH and I decided together I would be a SAHM for a while and see how we got on.

I love being with my DS (of course) but am craving mental stimulation. I don't have many mum friends (my friends are mostly pre kids) and despite attending lots of playgroups have failed to meet anyone i really click with. There are lots of lovely mums there but to be blunt I find the conversations they have boring. Most of them haven't worked (out of the home, before i get a flaming!) for years and tend to just talk about children/potty training/which primary school their kids are going to etc which i find really dull.

If I am really honest with myself I think it probably is better for DS if i am a SAHM (more attention for him etc) but I really want to start looking for a job. It is hard to find part time so it would likely be 4 or 5 days a week.

I feel REALLY selfish for wanting to do this.
I also feel reallly guilty for wanting to go off to work and leave DS in nursery. We've been TTC#2 for a year and I have lost 2 pregnancies since then so i feel even more i should be making the most of DS. Everyone tells me to enjoy staying at home as "you don't get the time back".

Financially we can afford for me not to work but things are tight. I really want for them not to be tight again and if i worked we could afford things like meals out, weekends away, nice clothes, cleaner etc. I know you can't compare this to time with a child but I would like to ease the purse strings a bit.

Finally I guess it's the self esteem part. I don't like that i don't earn money. I know raising kids is important but sometimes when DS is screaming and I am cleaning up (again) i feel a bit resentful as i didn't slog my guts out through school/uni/1st 10 yrs of my career to be on my hands and knees cleaning weetabix up - again.

Anyway - I have my hard hat on and am prepared for the MN jury to tell me I need to put my kid first and bring him up myself but perhaps somewhere there is someone who can empathise, or who has been through the same thing?

its not that relevant but i have to say i hate it when people say"do men feel guilty for working"?Well firstly,im sure some do,my dhs idea of heaven would to be to stay at home and do fun things with the kids.Secondly,if the other is at home with the kids then i dont see why the dad would feel guilty?I wouldnt feel guilty if dh was at home full time and i was at work.

Only read title
YANBU

That's a good point Cuddler - I wouldn't feel guilty if dh was at home with the kids either. In fact he took 3 weeks off when I went back to work after my second maternity leave and it was glorious.

I have to say though that the vast majority of parents I know both work.

I hate it too when people say that about men. Look, we've come a long way in terms of feminism but until men start getting pregnant/giving birth/breastfeeding, women will still USUALLY be the main carer in the early years. Get over it.

YANBU if it is what you really want. I work almost f/t as finding a p/t job that covers the cost of childcare is a delicate balance. I love my job - although it took over 7 months to find. I love my day at home with my DC's too. But it is hard to be everything to everyone and there is a lot of guilt involved - guilt at leaving them at nursery, guilt at having to rush away from work when it's busy to pick them up from nursery. Guilt at being so exhausted when I get home at 4pm that I plonk them infront of CBeebies. Guilt at being crazed angry grumpy woman at the weekend when I am sleep deprived and have a mountain of washing and cleaning to get through.

When I was on my Mat Leaves I felt like you - unstimulated, bored, and as though i didn't 'fit in' with other SAHM (not derogatory to any SAHM just that I never clicked with anyone) Then I returned to work and now I find myself envying those that can spend days at the park and meeting other mums for coffee and play dates.

Truth is, I don't think there is a perfect solution. Its just about doing the best we can to find a solution that fits financial need and our desire to parent how we see fit.

cuddler and dancergirl, it just annoys me that women agonise over these sorts of decisions while most men make few concessions to family life once they have children. The decision for women to work or not also feeds into the broader issue of income inequality which IMO is the main reason more women than men are SAHPs. Of course taking time off to raise kids feeds into that income inequality but there is a lot more to it than that. I don't want to hijack the thread but I'm not willing to just get over it. carry on.

I can't understand why you have to remotely justify working, to yourself or others. If you like your job, and want to pursue a career, why not just do it? You don't have to have all the angst, it's perfectly normal for women to be great at their careers and want to carry on with them. Your ds will be in pre-school or nursery shortly, and my own experience was that 2/3 years out was just enough not to damage my career too much (I wanted to stay home for 3 years with both children, in the end me and my husband did one stint at home each).

As for wanting to earn, I wouldn't be without my income now (or rather, potential to earn, I would take a year or so out and be supported if I really wanted to do something and vice versa for my husband). Having this potential to earn was great when my husband was made redundant a few years ago, it pushed me back into the workplace, and now I wouldn't leave parly because I prefer being financially independent. My mum was left in complete poverty after her divorce later in life and I want to have my own pension and earning power for many reason.

Yanbu, what a silly thing?

I got made redundant when I went off on mat leave with DC2. The plan was fir me to stay at home until the kids were at school as I got a good payout.

I hated it. I was off for 14 months and then a job came up. I was full time for a year and then asked to go part time.

I don't regret it. I feel I appreciate the kids a lot more as I get a break from them it feels a better balance for me.

Sorry you're going through pregnancy losses. I had several mcs after DD1. working (part time) helped me a lot, which surprised me as I don't like my job v much (I just like the cash, social interaction etc!). It provided distraction and people at work didn't know, so I could be my (hard-nosed) "work self". when at home with DD I felt anxious about the situation re pregnancies, upset (but that I had to be cheerful for her) and guilty for not appreciating the child I had enough to be less upset about potentially not having more IySWIM. Felt I was in limbo. I found v good support online and from a counsellor.

Whatever you decide, really hope things work out well for you in having DC2 (I now have DD2 )

I have 2 DCs and choose to work full time, always have done. Even if I didn't have to I'd still work. That's what I want and that's what my DCs are used to. They are well balanced good children doing well at school. Who's to say what they'd be like if I'd been a SAHM but unfulfilled and resentful. Do what you want and don't listen to anyone else. There are good and bad parents who work full time, good and bad parents who stay at home.

Chandellina-you are generalizing a lot there,most men make huge changes when they have a family,a lot of them take on the responsibilities of being the sole breadwinner,and any decent man would make the other obvious changes like social life,etc,just like women do.Maybe Ive just got a good one?

Also don't just assume most women don't work because they don't get paid enough, a lot of people like being with their kids and see it as something actually worth something.

thing is to enjoy being a sahm you need to have a good imagination, be able to make friends, really your time is your own so its really what you make of it.
i would find it personally worrying if i felt they only way i could have what i felt was enjoyable contact with other humans was through paid empolyment, i would be questioning my own inventivness for a start

yes, whiteorchid, i too would find it worrying if the only way i could have what i felt was enjoyable contact with other humans was through paid empolyment!!! Thank god that isn't the case! I have plenty of enjoyable contact but i do miss mental stimulation. I am a really creative imaginative person (my career is based around this!) so I do lots and lots of fun stuff with DS but the fact is i need intellectual stimulation. I read of course but for me it's not enough. I do want to work. I want to earn my own money. I also miss male company and banter which i get a lot of at work.

dozer - thanks - i am glad it worked out for you. hopefully it will do intime for me too. You're right that being at work does take your mind off. After my EP i went back after 10days as I just wanted distraction from it... each to their own but that was my way of dealing with it....

Decision made then - I'm going to look for part time/freelance work and see if i can have the best (and worst!) of both worlds.

Thank you everyone for the helpful advice! and thanks for this being the first thread i've seen on WOHM/SAHM which didn't degenerate into slagging off the opposite group despite a couple of choice posts from certain mumsnetters!!! ;)

YA definitely NBU! No need to justify it to yourself or anybody else.

Part-time work is great, I work 29 hours/week, which means that we can manage most of the childcare between us (DH has some flexibility).

Don't feel guilty - I started going nuts as a SAHM and was so much happier when I went back to work.

I am forever being asked when I am going back to work. What amuses me is that there are a couple of dads at school who are either very part time (given their profession) or stay at home dads. No one blinks an eye or questions their decisions.