to want to go back to work when we can afford for me to be a SAHM?

[iloveberries]

Background
I'm 31 and DS is 2.5. I've been building my career since leaving uni and am pretty well established in what i do.

I went back to work 2 days a week when DS was 13 months and really enjoyed it but have recently finished at that company. DH and I decided together I would be a SAHM for a while and see how we got on.

I love being with my DS (of course) but am craving mental stimulation. I don't have many mum friends (my friends are mostly pre kids) and despite attending lots of playgroups have failed to meet anyone i really click with. There are lots of lovely mums there but to be blunt I find the conversations they have boring. Most of them haven't worked (out of the home, before i get a flaming!) for years and tend to just talk about children/potty training/which primary school their kids are going to etc which i find really dull.

If I am really honest with myself I think it probably is better for DS if i am a SAHM (more attention for him etc) but I really want to start looking for a job. It is hard to find part time so it would likely be 4 or 5 days a week.

I feel REALLY selfish for wanting to do this.
I also feel reallly guilty for wanting to go off to work and leave DS in nursery. We've been TTC#2 for a year and I have lost 2 pregnancies since then so i feel even more i should be making the most of DS. Everyone tells me to enjoy staying at home as "you don't get the time back".

Financially we can afford for me not to work but things are tight. I really want for them not to be tight again and if i worked we could afford things like meals out, weekends away, nice clothes, cleaner etc. I know you can't compare this to time with a child but I would like to ease the purse strings a bit.

Finally I guess it's the self esteem part. I don't like that i don't earn money. I know raising kids is important but sometimes when DS is screaming and I am cleaning up (again) i feel a bit resentful as i didn't slog my guts out through school/uni/1st 10 yrs of my career to be on my hands and knees cleaning weetabix up - again.

Anyway - I have my hard hat on and am prepared for the MN jury to tell me I need to put my kid first and bring him up myself but perhaps somewhere there is someone who can empathise, or who has been through the same thing?

Also i find cleaning snotty noses and wiping arses is more enjoyable when you are doing it because you want to,and not walking round saying "i didnt go to uni for this".

To be fair OP i do know where you are coming from - i just think its is more difficult to find people with things in common when all you have in common is your children, which whilst its a bit of a huge part of yoru lives its not specific, everyone has kids :) well a good proportion of folk do. You may be a quantum phycisist or an artist, you wont have much in common i guess if you are either of those things so i take back my comment as you seem lovely.

I've always worked since having children. I took a few months maternity leave, but otherwise worked full time until the children were 2 and 3, then three days a week for three years until the youngest was at school, then full time again (they are 8 and 10 now). I never needed to work financially. My husband earns a little over 100K a year. But I enjoy working, it's important to me, we have great childcare and we work sufficiently flexibly that it's all manageable without being too absent from their lives.

I don't think there's any reason to feel guilty for working provided children are well looked after. Do fathers feel guilty for working??

Sorry to go against the grain but if you feeling guilty about going back, I would listen to that. If you felt comfortable about your decision, you wouldn't need strangers to justify it for you on a public forum.

I do understand about the education bit, I also have a (good) degree...but you know what, even if you stay at home you WILL use your brain again, they are little for such a short time. My youngest is now at school and I would love to still be able to have a day out with her etc.

As for the mess etc...part and parcel of having small children I'm afraid and it will get worse when no2 hopefully comes along. But it's not forever. Jobs/careers can always be put on hold but your dc are only small once. They really don't care if their mum is bored or whatever, they just want her around in an ideal world.

Don't dismiss self-employment as having to be too much work. I only work around 10 hours a week, all while DS is asleep. It should be pretty easy to up my hours as he gets older though.

As an aside, why do all SAHM discussions involve mention of wiping arses? That is less than 10 minutes of my day! (Not sure whether I am a SAHM though, but I guess so)

If you wanna work then work. As long as you sort out your childcare properly and really research the reality of your different childcare options then DS will be fine.

If you wanna be part time could you set up your own business/be freelance/ do consulting (depending on what your area is)?

So go back to work and don't overthink it. Your DS will be fine and anyway, soon he'll be in school.

Or else nurture some hobbies that have nothing to do with your life as a SAHM - take evening classes, take an OU course. Nurture your brain that way and meet like-minded people.

I've been a SAHM and a FT worker since DD was born 4 years ago and I don't understand guilt or angst. I've made the most of both roles and loved and hated them both. That's life!

Go work.

Are you me OP? I am in the same position as you - down to the two miscarriages. I'm so sorry that's happened to you. You're much younger than me (by ten years) but I know how much losing babies wrong foots you, especially as a SAHM. When you've put your career on hold to make plans for a family and then it doesn't happen... . Oh god. It so throws you.

I've been considering putting DS (also 2.5) in a nursery a couple of days a week so I can get something of myself back too. It's selfish maybe, but I'm so very unhappy that I think it must be the best thing. Moping at home wiping up weetabix and hoping that it will stop raining so that we can go to the park isn't what I need right now either.

I hope you can find a way out of your situation. But please, don't feel guilty about your choice, whatever that turns out to be. A lot of WOHMs are working because they want to, because they trained for their careers, they love them and they don't want to spend all week skivvying at home and there's no shame in that. It's a short life.

FWIW, can you keep trying with the toddler groups? They're not all full of people fixated on school admissions, really. I've met some great people through mine... most of whom have a very rich life outside of the home. Understand about the pregnant ones though.... When I go I literally duck to avoid them sometimes. It will get easier. Really.

I personally think the guilt comes from societies view of working mums. I have had some people say terrible things to me about working (including my mum) and have felt guilty. The thought actually my kids are happy and healthy and have turned out amazing little kids. Dd is 8 and I wouldn't change a thing about her.
but then when I gave up work to work from home in a business me and dh own (left last week) the same people gave me shit for working less hours and having more time with the kids. Along the lines of 'its alright for some' and ' not everyone can be a lady of leisure'.
I don't think we can win either way, tbh.

I forgot to say, you've stayed at home with your DC for TWO AND A HALF years. Give yourself a massive pat on the back by the way. That's hell of an achievement, even if it isn't one widely recognised by society.

IMHO there's a lot of bollocks written on here about the SAHM / WOHM debate, most of which is written by people with huge chips on their shoulders. The truth is that we're ALL doing what we can for our kids and trying to hold it together. It's hard for most of us. Do what works best for you and your family and hold your head high.

Dprince - cross posted there but hear hear. We can't win either way. Misogynistic old bollocks isn't it? As if mothering isn't hard enough as it is. We should all cut ourselves some massive slack I reckon.

Thanks noclue - really kind of you. Sometimes I think that working will also take my mind off the lack of a successful pregnancy. DS and I do loads of stuff together but parks, ducks, painting, playdo, playing etc doesn't stop me thinking whereas when I am 'working' my mind is occupied and i don't think about the m/c and ectopic.

I am sorry you have been through it too. It is awful and so upsetting.

I will keep trying with the toddler groups though!!and who knows - maybe my business idea will set off and i can run an empire offering an array of part time roles for talented men and women who want more balance in their lives! now that would be nice!

I'm looking at freelancing in the hope of getting a 1-2 smallish contracts which will allow me to keep up my CV, earn enough money for us to have a few more luxuries as a family and allow me to up my hours when DS hits schoolage. Hopefully some work can be done in the evenings too.

You don't say what your previous career is in, but for pure mental stimulation have you looked at the local branches of relevant professional institutes? Its a chance to talk to people still in the workplace.

Yanbu, there is nothing wrong with enjoying work and disliking aspects of child care. How many men agonise over this decision? So why should women?

I can't wait to get back to work after dc2, and will actually be paying our nanny more than my take home pay.

It's a loaded issue but women who have the ability to make a choice certainly shouldn't succumb to misguided guilt.

I think you're doing the right thing by going back to work. It'll be good for you and your career, good for DH, and a good example to your children.

dprince - i totally agree! It's so personal isn't it. I am sure that when people have a go about other's choices it is just jealousy!

Wish I could swap! I have to work 3.5 days a week to make ends meet and really want to SAH. You can SAH and really want a PT job! :)

OP don't feel guilty for wanting to be more than a parent. Many people feel the same...it's considered perfectly normal to feel that way if you're a man .

The good thing about your position is that you don't have to work. So you can give it a try and it it doesn't work out you can give it up. Simple.

After years of woeking at home around the DC, I am finally going back to a pt position in September outside the home. At first I was terribly worried about how it might impact upon my family, but then I realised it doesn't matter!!!! If it doesn't work out, I'll just give it up and no harm done .

hi op - know what you mean about play groups I have slogged through a few, i am the one that does talk about babies though as a common ground with peoeple i dont know and i have been told off for it by older tod group members...i have a few friends now though and we have more interesting shared interests to talk about...its hard when we are thrown together simply by the fact we share children.

there are lots of groups in my area are there in yours?

also i found my DD got alot more interesting after 3 yo....understand more and can teach more...have more intersting time together...it is true have rest of life to work but wont have those first few years back...BUT

If i were you - and i think your in a fab position by the way - you have a good career you dont have to back to etc....i would set a time limit - two/three months and go at home situ with renewed energy, if not happy - def go back to work....also of course checking nurseries out in area...then hopefully you know you have tried and wont feel guilty.

your child will benefit enourmously from your education but there is still loads of time for him to do that around work and of course children do love to be with other children....you can always stop work again if you suddenly feel unhappy ...lots of women would have loved to go back to work but cant afford child care or cant etc....so your in a really lucky postion to choose....

look. you do what suits your personality best. how good a sahm do you think you would make if you are feeling bored and resentful? children need to be with stimulating, loving, safe child care. you can get that with either parents or in good child care. ok they may not love them like their own but they damn well get really fond of them. (ex nursery teacher)

oh and the child has 2 parents equally capable of caring for them. why should it be asumed that it is the mother who should stay home (once past breastfeeding if that is what you do)

people can try and make you feel guilty whatever you chose, either leaving children with stranger/not setting a good example/notfullfilling your potential all things I have seen written recently. I think you are more prone to guilt if you want to do one thing and you feel forced into doing the other because of circumstances/partners expectations or if family members stick their oar in and comment when it is not welcome.

Thanks redwhiteandblue - I'm not sure why everyone thinks i resent my son though! i certainly don't feel resentful towards him. DH works part time anyway so he does do his fair share!!!

Is there any reason why your dh can't be the SAHP?

Why on earth should you question your decision to work?

I have never considering being a SAHM because I don't want to give up my career. People don't question men, or indeed any of the women I work with or indeed me if I think about it.

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