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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to agree to change DS's (11) surname because he is unhappy about it?

64 replies

viktoria · 10/07/2012 11:02

When I got married, I kept my name as I really did not like DH's surname. DH was/is fully supportive about this because he said he did get a lot of stick for his surname when growing up.
We did briefly consider to change both our surnames when we got married but then felt that it was maybe a bit flippant and it was actually quite difficult to come up with a suitable surname. So DH kept his name, I kept mine.

When we had children, they both got my surname, which is European, quite long and always needs spelling, but is a nice name. Again, DH was/is fully supportive.

DS1 has been talking about wanting to change his name for a while and we always said, that's something to think about when he is 18.
I have just spent a weekend alone with DS1 and the surname topic came up repeatedly and he said that he feels very British and his name makes him sound like he is not British and he doesn't like that. He's also annoyed at people mispronouncing his name and him having to spell it every time.

I did look at what a name change entails - and it seems extremely easy and cheap - £16 (yes, getting a new passport is more expensive, but nevertheless).
DS1 has three first names, one of which is my MIL maiden name and that is the name that DS1 would like as his surname, so there would be a family connection and it would not just be a random name.

sorry for this long explanation, but AIBU to seriously consider changing my DS1 surname so that he can start secondary school in September with his new "British" surname?

OP posts:

KatherineKavanagh · 10/07/2012 11:04

I thought it was harder to change than that

008 · 10/07/2012 11:06

If you are all fine with the decision, then why not? I´ve had 3 surnames so far, hasn`t bothered me a bit!

BarbarianMum · 10/07/2012 11:06

No YANBU

But expect a lot of confusion when travelling abroad if both you and your dh have different surnames to your ds - this will ease as he gets older.

RuleBritannia · 10/07/2012 11:06

I thought it was the law that children born in the UK had to take the father's surname certainly when the parents are married. Did you have your DS before you were married. -Tut tut--. If the father's name is on the birth certificate, there would be complications if the child took the mother's name. Anyone out there know?

Psammead · 10/07/2012 11:06

I might have this wrong, but I think you can give the school any name you please. I would be tempted to let him use the new name, but to wait for a year or so to make it official.

I woukd feel sad that my child was 'letting go' of one part of their identity, but .i totally understand how at this age, he wants to conform.

RuleBritannia · 10/07/2012 11:07

tut tut

DonnaDoon · 10/07/2012 11:07

Absoloutely now is the perfect time to do it for september. It does not sound like you are changing his name just dropping the last one ? FWIW I think age 11 is plenty old enough to make this decision and stick to it.

Nagoo · 10/07/2012 11:07

I can't see what the problem is if it's not your dh name and no one is getting upset about it, do it.

KatherineKavanagh · 10/07/2012 11:08

ruleBrittania that all sounds very 1950's! What you 'tutting' at?

HellonHeels · 10/07/2012 11:08

How old is DS1? What does your DH think about it? What will you do about your other DCs' names?

I changed my surname to my mother's maiden name when I turned 18 (reasons: father's name was one which drew a lot of childish teasing; parents divorced and I felt totally abandoned by my father).

HellonHeels · 10/07/2012 11:09

Rule Britannia are you having a larf?

LisasCat · 10/07/2012 11:09

Nope, that sounds about right for how easy it is. We swapped DD1's 2nd middle name and surname round when DP and I decided she should have his surname not mine. I think it sounds like the right thing to do, all parties are happy, the start of a new school is the perfect time to do it. Just prepare yourself for quite a few letters to various organisations, and especially if it's a move around of existing names get ready to repeat yourself many, many times to people who skim read your letter the first time and don't spot the change.

PenisVanLesbian · 10/07/2012 11:11

I wouldn't, not at 11. So he feels different, all teenagers have this angst over something, he's just starting early. I also would be discouraging this idea of not wanting a non-British name, its got very dodgy connotations.

Original poster

viktoria · 10/07/2012 11:13

Thank you everybody.
Rule Britannia, don't worry, we were married before we had children!

good point about travelling with a child with a different surname - so far my DH has never travelled by himself with DC, so I will check that out.

I think changing your surname when you are older is more complicated as there are so many things to consider, bank accounts, utility bills etc, so it seems much easier to do it now when DS is young.

I will check with the new school about letting DS to be known by a different surname before making it all legal.

OP posts:

Jiggleballs123 · 10/07/2012 11:16

Sorry but I am actually laughing out loud at some of the replies here.

Britannia what the actual fuck are you talking about?

You can name yoiur child whatever you choose as long as the name isn't offensive or doesn't contain numbers or symbols it doesn't havw to be the mothers or the fathers name. I know two people that have chose a surname for their children that wasn't either parents name they just liked it. Changing a name is easy peasy and can be done at any time for any reason. You are also free to be 'known as' any name you choose without changing it legally.

Anyway, if your ds really wants to I would let him, he can always change it back later on if he wishes to.

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 10/07/2012 11:16

rulebrittania - I had my DD out of wedlock, Tut away! She thinks it is fabulous that she was a bridesmaid at our wedding, and is sad for DS to have missed out on the fun by being born after the wedding! Oh and for what it is worth you can IIRC give the baby a random surname to both parents as long as it is not "out there". Hence why amalgamations of surnames can be used.

Back to the OP. I would have no problem at all with my DC wanting to change their first names. We gave DD an unusual first name, so kind of suspect at some point she may well demote it and adopt a new name. As for surnames I think it would depend on what they wanted to change it to.
In your case your son wants to change it to fit in more, and that is understandable (who doesn't want to fit in at school?) and he has chosen a proper surname with family connections, not just one because he likes a footballer with the same name, or one he picked from a TV show.
He sounds sensible, and well rounded.
My advice would be to let him "adopt" that name for a few months/ a year and if he still loves it then move forward and do it officially.

confusedpixie · 10/07/2012 11:17

I wouldn't let him just yet, maybe unofficially but definitely not officially. I remember wanting to change mine at that age for the same reasons (and wanted to for years afterwards!) but I would have really regretted it now if I had! If you do it unofficially at least he has the option to go back to his current name later on, or change to his unofficial name when he turns 18 if he chooses.

Original poster

viktoria · 10/07/2012 11:18

PvL, I think it's not that he is against "non-British" names - he just doesn't feel like his name represents him.
His surname is Italian and his first name is Italian too (he has his Italian grandfather's first name), and he has said that if he did have a British first name (like his brother) he wouldn't mind, but he does mind because both his first and surname are Italian.

OP posts:

RackandRuin · 10/07/2012 11:18

Would it be better to go to secondary school with the new name and change it officially later on when he is sure that's what he wants to do? Although if it's that easy to change in the first place, it will be easy to change back again if he changes his mind, wouldn't it.

As long as you aren't upset about him not taking your name - go for it!

usualsuspect · 10/07/2012 11:19

Rule Britannia, the 1950s called they want their attitude back.

PenisVanLesbian · 10/07/2012 11:20

personally I would concentrate more on his self-esteem then than changing his name. Why should his name represent him? Its just his name. Getting a new name isn't going to change anything about him, and I'd be concerned why he wants to do this. It's an odd request and not one I'd be going along with.

usualsuspect · 10/07/2012 11:20

He might get to like his name as he grows up though, difficult one tbh.

EightiesChick · 10/07/2012 11:21

RuleBritannia ha ha! Good joke. The mother has automatic parental responsibility and so it is up to her, and possibly the father, to decide on surname. The law doesn't prescribe. It could be his, hers, hyphenated or something completely different.

OP, I believe you can start using any name you choose and ask to be known by it without (or before) any legal formalities. How about agreeing with your DS that he can go into secondary school using his choice of surname, but that you will leave it for 1 year before doing anything legal to change it, so that you can be completely sure it is what he wants. He still gets known by his chosen name in the meantime and you can see if he has a change of heart before making any legal decisions. It would also mean that if you travel in the meantime, that wouldn't be a problem.

usualsuspect · 10/07/2012 11:21

Thinking about it I don't think I would change it.

HandMadeTail · 10/07/2012 11:22

Has he been bullied because of his surname?

Because if that this the real reason, then the bullies will just find something else to pick on, if he changes his name.

Obviously,I don't know if this is his reason for wanting to change, but perhaps worth finding out?

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