to agree to change DS's (11) surname because he is unhappy about it?

[viktoria]

When I got married, I kept my name as I really did not like DH's surname. DH was/is fully supportive about this because he said he did get a lot of stick for his surname when growing up.
We did briefly consider to change both our surnames when we got married but then felt that it was maybe a bit flippant and it was actually quite difficult to come up with a suitable surname. So DH kept his name, I kept mine.

When we had children, they both got my surname, which is European, quite long and always needs spelling, but is a nice name. Again, DH was/is fully supportive.

DS1 has been talking about wanting to change his name for a while and we always said, that's something to think about when he is 18.
I have just spent a weekend alone with DS1 and the surname topic came up repeatedly and he said that he feels very British and his name makes him sound like he is not British and he doesn't like that. He's also annoyed at people mispronouncing his name and him having to spell it every time.

I did look at what a name change entails - and it seems extremely easy and cheap - £16 (yes, getting a new passport is more expensive, but nevertheless).
DS1 has three first names, one of which is my MIL maiden name and that is the name that DS1 would like as his surname, so there would be a family connection and it would not just be a random name.

sorry for this long explanation, but AIBU to seriously consider changing my DS1 surname so that he can start secondary school in September with his new "British" surname?

I would tell him that you will help him change it when hes 16 or 18 if he still feels the same way

RuleBrittania you are wronger than a wrong thing in wrongsville. It is most certainly not the law that a child has to have the father's name, married or not.

OP, I think its sad that your son doesn't want to acknowledge his heritage with the name. I feel this is about (pre) teenage insecurities and fear of being different. He might feel different when he is older.

I read RuleBritannia's comment as a joke < shrugs >

PvL, interesting point. He is a confident boy.
We have just come back from Italy and he loves going there, but he doesn't speak Italian very well and just doesn't feel Italian. Only when we are in Italy does he comment about how "British" he feels - soemthing that I can understand very well, I never felt especially Italian, only since I've moved abroad!

Hahaha rule britannia you made me laugh

My dcs have my maiden name, I now have my DHs name, I'm hoping travelling with them won't be a problem as we're going on our first holiday since the wedding in oct (when I will be 32 weeks pg) if I can't make it for health reasons then DH will be taking them alone (which may cause more problems as he is their step-dad)

So OP I think if you your DH and your ds are all happy with the situation, go ahead it's nobody else's business!

And rule Britannia my DD was born out of wedlock, when I was 17 and I was 6 months pg with ds when I married their father. Unfortunately that marriage didn't work out, now I am re-married and expecting my 3rd dc! although this time I married first and got of second (not through want of trying we tried for a baby for 14 months before the wedding) so hoike your judgey pants up all you like, it doesn't change the fact that I would not change a single thing in my life!

I would let him go to secondary school using that name, it doesn't need to be official until he takes his GCSEs then the certificates should be in the name he wants to use to avoid hassle.

There are some I'll informed people on this thread . My kids have a random (actually long complicated reasons to do with family history and non English traditions) surname different to both dh and me. It's perfectly legal more common than some people think and causes no actual problems. The school calls me Mrs X but I don't even correct them as it isn't s big deal to me.

I would go with the idea of using the other name for a while, then making it official if he still wants to go for it. Far easier to do it at 12/13, than as an adult. FWIW, it was about this age that I started using my middle name as my usual name - it caused very few problems.

I also spent my entire school career with a foreign surname that looked rude when written down, and cursed my dad for not having the guts to either use another family name, or anglicise the spelling, which he and mum discussed doing when they got married.

Names are a weird thing. I know several adults who are usually known by names other than what is on their birth certificate, for various reasons. It has always been like this, too. Think of all the elderly people called "Dolly", "Jack" "Harry" or "Meg", who are really called things not related to those names. Dolly and Meg may well also be using surnames of previous husbands, step-fathers, or grandmothers.

HandMadeTail, no he hasn't been bullied because of his name - we live in London and the children in his primary school (and his secondary school) have lots of foreign sounding names.

eurochick, when we named our DS I felt it was important that he we acknowledge my heritage - but since then, I have to admit, I have slightly changed my mind.
It is soley my heritage, and it is only half of my DS's heritage; his current name does not acknowledge my DH's heritage at all.
I do feel like a put too much of my stamp on my DS's name - I suppose this is why I am seriously considering to let DS go ahead with the name change.

Thanks everybody for the comments - I find them really interesting.

You can change your name to pretty much anything by deedpoll. Complicated if you are changing a child and were a separated family as I think both parents have to agree however there are ways round it.

Also at school you have to give them the preferred names anyway so it doesn't actually have to be legal names, it would have be the legal name for entering exams I assume if you don't actually change it formally.

OP you won't have any problems travelling with your DS. Even when I was a child, we cold travel abroad with my mum, when she had divorced and remarried so had a different surname to my sister and I. you just need to check that your son's name on any tickets match the new name on his passport, that's more likely to throw up problems.

Like Usual said, he might grow to like his name. I used to hate my surname when I was younger - everyone misspells it, it sounds just like another more common surname when spoken but isn't, and I just thought it was a stupid name. Now I'm ancient older, I really like the fact that it's quite unusual and no-one else has my exact name (seriously, I've googled and searched FB and the like for another SoftKittyWarmKitty-RealName, but no, I seem to be the only one in the world). It helps that I have a not-too-common first name too, I think. I'm a single parent and DS has my surname, which I'm so glad about as one day he may get to carry on the name (he's the last child in the family with my surname).

So my advice would be to get him to think very carefully about the longer term ramifications of changing his name. He might like it as he gets older, he'll have a different surname to his brother which may or may not cause issues between them, and when he and his brother have kids the kids will have different surnames, whereas if he keeps it the cousins will have the same name (provided they're given their father's surname ofc) etc.

Also FWIW I love Italian names, they're really exotic-sounding. Not that that will be part of his consideration .

Yes, I agree with the posters who suggested a period of the unofficial use of the boy's desired name to see how he gets on with it. If it works for him, change to it officially.

We are all entitled to our own opinions and I will stick to mine about children being born within or outside wedlock. How the mother or both parents deal with the situation is up to them. My opinion about that on this thread is nothing to do with the subject under discussion except about the possible taking of the father's name (for which I asked opinions from others).

As for a child having to take the father's name, I said that I thought he had to and asked what others thought about it. Answers came forth.

Just go down the unofficial route. Given the preferred surname is already in his mane, it shouldn't be too difficult.

The only thing I'd be careful of is a friend of mine had problems because the surname she used at school wasn't her official name, but all her gcse and a level certificates are in her unofficial name. Which becomes a problem if you have to use them as an adult - when you have no official record of that being your name.

You can get them changed apparently but it costs a fortune.

Whilst you are entitled to your opinion tutting at another parents decission isn't really on. Hence why you were called out on it rulebrittaina

Agree with Jiggleballs further ^^, you can call yourself whatever you like. Its only legal documents such as passports where you need to use your 'official' name.
I changed mine by deed poll a few years ago (still had exH name, wanted to get rid before first DC born), it took about 3 weeks, a couple of forms and Bob's your uncle. It is so cheap and easy. When the current Mr Plissken and I got married we had a few looks as we both had a very unusual name already.

My friend remarried, and her elder son aged 10 from the previous marriage chose to be known by his mums new surname, especially as a new sibling was on the way, so that they would all have the same family name. (Also to piss off his father, as he wanted nothing more to do with him)

It wasn't changed by deed poll at that time, but he could do it when older.

at secondary school, have your child use his legal name - so change it now if you're going to change it. he will want the name he uses to be the name that appears on his exam certificates.

RuleBrittania your ignorance is astounding - both on the matter of whether a child has to legally take his father's surname and on your attitude to a child being born out of 'wedlock' as you put it (such an achaic term). You now say "My opinion about that on this thread is nothing to do with the subject under discussion" - but it didn't stop you tutting, did it. And why strike the tut tut through? My DS was born out of 'wedlock'. Hasn't bothered him or me in the slightest.

RuleBrittania you are entitled to your opinions and beliefs, you are not entitled to tut at other people for their perfectly legal and acceptable choices. So or that you are a out of order.

You are also out of order for thinking that the law dictates what you name your child and for that you are just plain stupid. I make no apologies for speaking the truth.

FireoverBabylon: "OP you won't have any problems travelling with your DS."

That may have been true when you were a child, but isn't now. My DD has a different surname from me and I've been challenged on it. I also have friends who gave their children a different surname from either of them, and that caused problems too.

Legally, there's no issue with the name change - your son can call himself whatever he likes. But you will now have four different surnames in your family! That will inevitably cause problems, I think, not just with passport control but with schools and officialdom in general. I would consider carefully before making the change.

Okay! I'll retire crushed.

Personally I wouldn't.

I would however, discuss with him why he feels this way. He says he doesn't feel British; well he isn't, he's half British and half Italian. There's nothing wrong with that, and I would be concerned here about his self esteem/confidence and if there were any outside factors such as bullying. You say you know this isn't the case but there must be something.

He doesn't 'feel' British - something specific must have triggered this and I think you need to find out exactly what that is, and address that. It may well be the answer is to change his name anyway, but I suspect you'll get to the bottom of it before it reaches that.

Anyone can call themselves whatever they like, as long as they aren't doing so for fraudulent purposes, there is no need to go down the official route at this stage.

I think you can specify that a child should be 'known as x' within school regardless of what is on their birth certificate. I remember looking at the class lists in my mum's school where there were lots of blended families and kids were listed as 'John Smith, known as John Jones' etc. I think it only takes a phone call/letter to the school to sort out and he will be called by his chosen name.

Maybe do this without the rigmarole of changing passports, birth certificates etc and see how he feels at 18, because 11 seems a bit young to make such a big choice. If he still wants to be known by his chosen surname, then he can make a more permanent change as an adult.

I would do it without hesitation. As a family we have very difficult irish surnames that are not so nice. I wanted to change to my husbands mothers maiden name which was nice and straightforward. Sadly the older boys would not agree to it and so the ugly surname has stuck. I did look into it and it is as easy as you said. When we were discussing the change one of my younger ones went into school and told them he was changing his surname. The teacher told me afterwards that its par for the course and that she does it on a regular basis. No one batted an eyelid. Just recently I found out that my sons girlfriends name is something that she and her sister decided on when their parents divorced. It has no connection with any of the family they just like it.