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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think this is a bit weird? PILs and sleepovers...

70 replies

lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 21:48

I need a fair perspective on this please you sensible mumsnetters.... Wink My inlaws are a bit bizarre, and have never been particularly involved with their GC, DD1, DD2 and DS. They spend most of the year in warmer climes, and have just got back for a bit over the summer to spend a few weeks in their house - 5 minutes down the road. DH doesn't get on very well with them, and FIL doesn't really like coming to our place - long story - so we normally end up visiting them every now and again. It's always awkward, FIL ends up drinking too much and saying inappropriate things and/or insisting we sit through 4 hours of holiday photos. Both of those scenarios are as painful as each other....

When I phoned MIL yesterday to welcome her back (they've been away so we haven't seen them for a few months), she mentioned her and FIL want to have my 2 DDs over to stay with them for a few days. DDs are 9 and 7. It's uncharacteristic, because normally we go and see them, or MIL comes to our house for short periods - cup of tea, chit-chat - perhaps once in a two-week period and they don't take the children out on their own. I said something like 'lovely idea, but perhaps lets spend some time all together before we leave them with you for the weekend'. MIL seemed quite surprised that I'd react in that way and didn't seem to want to meet up, just have DDs over to stay with them.

Am I being weird or are they? Does anyone else have PILs like this - or is it just me? Come on MN - don't hold back....

OP posts:
parakeet · 09/07/2012 21:52

Why not see what the girls think? If they're up for it, perhaps an overnight stay would be best to start off with.

Of course if the girls don't fancy it, then that's up to them. Couldn't blame them seeing as they see so little of their granparents.

hairylemon · 09/07/2012 21:52

Maybe they've decided to build bridges, start afresh that sort of thing, id feel the same as you btw

hairylemon · 09/07/2012 21:54

Oh hold on this is aibu

Yabu and id hate for my sons to marry a Wretch like you

Yes that's more like it Grin

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 21:55

phew. I was having to refresh constantly til I got to your message hairylemon. I feel better now... Wink

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 09/07/2012 21:55

Maybe they'd like to see the girls more but as they don't get on so well with your dh they thought this was the best solution?

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 21:56

Good point though. Maybe I'm a bit narked cos they seem to want to do it their way and not mine.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 09/07/2012 21:57

It does seem a bit strange. I would let the girls decide if they want to do that or not and I would suggest that one night is enough the first time - then the girls get to come home without causing a fuss if they aren't happy there. If they call begging to stay longer then you can assume they are happy and leave them there for the school holidays :)

LemonBreeland · 09/07/2012 21:58

It really depends on how well your DDs know them. I assume your DS is a fair bit younger and that is why he is not invited. Please correct me if I'm wrong on that.

I think it seems perfectly reasonable to catch up before a whole weekend away from you.

tryingtonotfeckup · 09/07/2012 21:58

Why not DS? I know 3 children may be a bit daunting but why wasn't DS invited?

How are they with the children? I would feel uneasy letting DCs stay over with someone they didn't really know? It sounds as though they don't have much contact.

Kayano · 09/07/2012 21:58

I would say yes, lovely idea, thanks! And make sure the kids were all excited
For it and not have a 'how odd' attitude in front of them

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 21:58

do people just go from nought to weekend sleepovers though MrsB? Aren't there supposed to be cinema visits ad trips to the zoo inbetween? They're only 5 mins down the road...

OP posts:
MagicHouse · 09/07/2012 22:01

Sorry, but if I were you I would say no to them your DDs because of lots of things you've said - they've never made the effort to get to know them, they are a bit bizarre, it's awkward, your FIL drinks heavily and makes inappropriate comments, your DH doesn't get on with them.
From what you say your gut instincts are that there is something about them that means you don't want to spend lots of time there. Be polite and carry on meeting up by all means, but don't leave your DDs there without you.

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 22:01

Yep Kayano - I haven't mentioned anything to the girls about it yet for that exact reason. Tryingnottofeckup - DS is 3, so prob a bit too much for them.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 09/07/2012 22:01

Perhaps they've had a near death experience and have seen the error of their waysGrin seriously though I would spend time with them check everything's ok see who else will be in the house at the time chat to your Dh about it see how your dc feel about it the usual stuff really .

soozeedol · 09/07/2012 22:04

seems a bit odd to me...expecting your DC's to go and stay a few days when they never have before...I'd be suggesting 1 overnight and take it from there...if the DC's want to go and maybe go longer next time...build it up to a few days if that's the goal....

At 9 and 7 your DC's have a good grasp of situations and will very quickly assess whether they want to stay or repeat any staying over...I'd be guided by them and how they felt

tryingtonotfeckup · 09/07/2012 22:14

I agree with Soozeedol, sounds a bit weird.

What does DH think of it? Are you comfortable with FIL and his drinking / behaviour?

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 22:14

All really nice comments ladies. Thanks so much. I might have to go for full disclosure here though. The reason why DH doesn't get on with FIL is because of his abusive childhood at the hands of his dad. DHs brother was terribly disturbed by his upbringing and killed himself 3 years ago. DCs know nothing of their GF's behaviour and I've tried to keep things happy and friendly and try and move on from the past. It's never been too much of a problem because they've never wanted much to do with DCs. Now that things appear to be changing and DDs are growing up, I'm unsure about how to proceed...

OP posts:
tryingtonotfeckup · 09/07/2012 22:19

Its a no then from me with overnight stays. Not sure how to handle it though, maybe see what DDs think if they go on some short visits / day trips but no promises.

MagicHouse · 09/07/2012 22:22

I think you proceed as you have been doing. Some family outings there - you don't need to bring the past into the open. But trust your instincts - why else would you be posting about this if you had no qualms about it. Don't leave your DDs there without you.

hairylemon · 09/07/2012 22:22

Ah, hmm, yes......I understand your feelings totally. Still possible they want to make amends but id want to take things very slowly. Build up visits til you feel comfortable then see what your dds think maybe?

squeakytoy · 09/07/2012 22:22

If they are only five minutes down the road, then I cant see any need for a sleepover anyway, perhaps a short visit on their own first with you picking them up before bedtime to start with anyway.

theotherboleyngirl · 09/07/2012 22:25

absolutely no then. And you mustn't undermine your DH on that. Absolute no, don't let your DD's be there without you.

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 22:28

Yep. I believe in second chances and I don't want to colour DCs view of GPs but at the same time I need to ensure they (and me) feel comfortable.

OP posts:
theotherboleyngirl · 09/07/2012 22:32

to be fair though the second chance is your DH's to offer - and between your DH and his dad. Not your DD's. They have to be protected first and foremost - not used as an attempted second chance... Sorry I don't mean it harshly, just bridges really need to be built from FIL to DH before the DC's are involved at all. And for it to have resulted in such tragic consequences for BIL it clearly was fairly horrific.

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 22:32

Theotherbolelyngirl - interesting. DH definitely doesn't want them having DDs for the weekend.

OP posts: